I don’t know how to accept all we lost.

  “Cat,” Cynthia calls from the door.

  I squeeze my eyes shut. “I know.”

  “We’ll miss the flight if you don’t get up.”

  Blowing out a breath, I focus on the picture on my nightstand. It’s of Jay and me on our wedding day. It feels like a lifetime ago. Two hopeful people standing under the stars, making promises of forever.

  Another tear falls.

  Cynthia sits on the corner of the bed and places a gentle hand on my hip. “Look at the two of you,” she whispers with a soft smile. “You have to focus on the good, honey.”

  I nod again. It’s been my go-to. Nod through the pain. Smile. Hold myself together.

  But she’s right. I promised Jay I would do this. Promised him I’d be there for our family. No matter what. His fierce Cat forever. So I press my fingers to my lips and touch my husband’s picture. “I’ll see you soon, baby.”

  The sight of the name Bouvier scrawled across the 787 makes my chest squeeze with pride, despite my blues. The James plane is far less ostentatious, but everything about this screams Jay, and that makes me smile.

  He makes me smile.

  He always has.

  Garreth and Hayden are standing by the stairs when the limo drops us off. Hayden rushes over and pulls me in for a tight hug as soon as I step out of the vehicle. “You okay?”

  I swallow my nerves. “Yeah, I just want to get there.”

  He nods and reaches for Chloe. “Come on, Chlo. Last one to the plane is a rotten egg!” The two of them take off at a run.

  Garreth steps up and mutters, “Jesus Christ” under his breath.

  “Hey, Gar.”

  “You ready?” he asks, his expression somber.

  I wish everyone would stop coddling me. Of course I’m not ready. My brother’s best friend died only a few dozen yards from me. One minute, he was kissing me, and in the next, he was gone.

  Telling my brother that his best friend is gone was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. He came back from his honeymoon excited to start his life with Grace, only to find out his best friend was dead.

  Losing Frank devastated every single one of us.

  But watching Chloe crumple at her father’s hospital bed? That gutted me. Holding his hand while—

  “Kitten, why are you staring at the plane like it’s going to eat you?”

  I suck in a breath as my husband saunters up beside me, his beautiful blue eyes lighting up at my shocked expression.

  “I thought we were meeting you in Paris—”

  Before I can chide him for not telling me he’d be here, he scoops me up and spins me around. When he sets me on my feet again, he says, “Wanted to fly with you guys.”

  “You flew home from Paris just so you could get on a plane back to Paris with us?”

  His lips tip up in that gorgeous shy smile I’ve always loved.

  “I’d ride the plane all day if I could spend just a few minutes sparring with you,” he teases, reminding me of the words that swept me off my feet fifteen years ago.

  Though back then, he was talking about a forty-minute commute from Providence to Boston. This time, he really will travel all day just to have more time with me.

  “Jonathan Hanson, I love you,” I say, sweeping my tongue across his lips.

  He moans as he kisses me back. God, I’ve missed him.

  Pulling away, he holds me at arm’s length. “Fuck, wife. I’ll go away more often if that’s the welcome I get. Je t’aimerai jusqu’à mon dernier souffle.”

  I will love you until my last breath.

  I smile up at him. “I see you’ve been practicing. Show off.”

  If losing Frank has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t want to live in the grief. I want to focus on the good. So when Jay suggested we spend Christmas in Paris with Cynthia and his brothers, it was a no-brainer. The Sienna Langfield show will start filming in the spring, but starting fresh in Paris as soon as possible feels like a necessity.

  We put it off long enough. This trip has been years in the making.

  My relationship with my brothers still hasn’t completely recovered. I wish they were as close with my husband as I am with Jay’s brothers, but it’s possible that will never happen.

  We’re still trying to figure out how to tell Chase that he and Jay are brothers. But for now, we’ve decided to save that truth for another day. So many secrets have been exposed. So much loss. So much grief. And our hearts need time to heal.

  I don’t want to live under the weight of it all anymore. We deserve to be happy. And I’ve finally recognized that some relationships will never be the same. People change. We make mistakes. And that’s okay.

  Jay kisses my forehead once more and smiles down at me. “You ready, Kitten?”

  Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes and let go of Boston.

  79

  RIPTIDE BY VANCE JOY

  Jay

  I can’t get close enough to either of my girls. After finally reuniting with Cat and building a solid relationship with Chloe, only to come so close to losing everything all over again, when I say that I’d fly back and forth all day just to make sure that I’m traveling with them, I mean it. It may sound morbid or insane, but if anything were to happen, I want to go down with them. The idea of living even a day without them is too painful to bear.

  Too many near-death experiences will do that to a person.

  So will loss.

  We’ve had too much of that in our lives. I couldn’t be happier to say goodbye to Boston and set out on a new journey with my girls. Only a year and a half ago, Chloe lived half a world away from Cat and I had no idea she even existed. But now, she’ll have all her parents in one place.

  It’s what’s best for her. And I firmly believe it’s what’s best for Cat.

  My wife needs this change. A fresh start. It’s the adventure we should have had fourteen years ago.

  “I can strap myself in, you know,” Cat says with a smirk, though she doesn’t fight me when I buckle her seat belt.

  “I fucking missed you, Kitten,” I growl, bringing her hand to my lips. “I’ll never get enough of taking care of you, even if you are the strongest woman I know. So get used to it.”

  She rolls her eyes, but a smile lights her face. Turning her attention to our daughter, she asks, “What do you think of the plane, Chlo?”

  “It’s okay.” She shrugs. “I think the James plane has softer leather, though.”

  “Excuse me?” I bark as my brothers and Cynthia groan.

  Cynthia pokes our daughter, who has dissolved into a fit of giggles. “Don’t tease him. I don’t want to sit through an oration about why all things Hanson are better. I heard enough the first fifteen times.”

  Cat squeezes my hand when I glare at our daughter’s other mother.

  “It’s a fact, Cyn,” Garreth says as he settles into his seat on the opposite side of the plane.

  Garreth and Hayden have been working tirelessly to rebuild Hanson Liquors. And they undoubtedly will. But that is no longer a part of my story. Bouvier Media is my sole focus—when I can tear myself away from Cat and Chloe. Because they are truly my world.

  One day, we’ll bring up the subject of having more children. But if Chloe is it for us, then I’m still the luckiest man on earth. Cat has been through more than most people can handle in the last few months, so forcing her to deal with the trauma of her mother’s death and concerns over her own health is out of the question.

  “What do you want to do first?” I tilt forward and eye my daughter across the aisle. She’s created a list of the things she wants to show me, and I can’t wait to learn more about the city she spent years traveling back and forth to.

  “Duh. Obviously, I want to see the studio.” Ah yes, she’s most excited about spending time on the set of our show and rubbing elbows with Sienna Langfield.

  Cat laughs, and the sound is like a balm to my soul.

  Standing below the Eiffel Tower, I squeeze my wife’s hand. “What do you think, Kitten? Should we sneak up there later tonight? I want to have you above the entire city.”

  She bumps her shoulder against me. “So dirty, Mr. Hanson.”

  “About that,” I say, pulling her against my chest and bringing a hand to her chin. I brush my lips against hers, and then, because I can’t help myself, I swipe my tongue across them, always craving her taste. “Chloe and I did a thing.”

  Cat’s brows pinch together. “What kind of thing?”

  Because I can’t ever get enough, I press my lips to hers again. “We changed our last names,” I murmur against her.

  “You what?” she says, her voice raising an octave. She puts a hand to my chest and pulls back, scanning my face.

  Above us, the stars sparkle and the lights of the Eiffel Tower glitter, but in this moment, there is nothing brighter than my wife’s eyes. She glows as the meaning of my words sets in. “You changed your last name?”

  “Yeah. But not to James,” I tease with a smile.

  Her lips tip up and she shakes her head. “God, you make me happy.”

  “Good. Because, Catherine Bouvier, I didn’t know happiness until I met you. So what do you say? Can I have your last name?”

  Cat purses her lips and gives me a teasing shrug. “I think that could be arranged.”

  “How ’bout right now?”

  “Huh?” she asks, adorably confused.

  “Marry me.”

  “But we’re already married.” Her smile makes my heart skip a beat.

  “Yeah, but your family wasn’t there.”

  “They’re not here now either,” she retorts.

  “You sure about that?” I tilt my head and look at the crowd gathered behind her.

  She spins so fast she almost trips over her heels.

  There on the lawn in front of the Eiffel Tower, both our families have gathered. Bundled up and keeping warm on this cool December night, they watch on, wearing wide smiles.

  Cat grabs for my hand, squeezing tight as she whispers, “What did you do?”

  Theo, whose health has improved greatly since his stroke, is the first to approach. “He did what the rest of us should have done months ago. He brought your family back together. I’m so sorry, Sunshine.” He holds out his arms, and Cat rushes into them.

  While I’ll never forget the hurt Theo caused by hiding Chloe from me, I understand his need to protect my wife and child. And because of that, I’ll let the past go. And more importantly, I’ll do everything I can to ensure Cat has what we both never did: both of our families.

  Theo shakes my hand and pulls me in for a hug. “Really appreciate you arranging all of this. I know it wasn’t easy.”

  “Easiest thing I’ve ever done is put Cat’s happiness first,” I say honestly.

  When I turn, Cash is approaching Cat. “I’m so sorry, Kit Cat. I’ll never forgive myself for how awful I’ve been to you.”

  My wife buries her face in his chest and squeezes him tight. “Let’s let it all go. Please.”

  With a nod, he releases her and turns to me. “If not for you, we could have lost them both that day,” Cash says, his voice breaking. On a sob, he doubles over and plants his hands on his knees. “Sorry,” he says as Grace rubs his back. “I promised I wouldn’t lose it…”

  “Cash, it’s okay. We all miss him,” Cat murmurs.

  Shaking his head, he swipes at his tears. “But he would want you to be happy. Cat, you have to know he loved you like a sister.”

  I can’t help the scoff that falls from my lips.

  Cat groans. “Now is so not the time.”

  Cash’s eyes go wide, and he looks from me to Cat. “I fucking knew it,” he says. And for the first time in who knows how long, he lets out a laugh. “Holy shit. You fucked my best friend,” he whispers.

  Cat eyes him, and then her face cracks, and she smiles as a tear slides down her cheek. “Yeah,” her voice falters. “I fucked your best friend.”

  Shaking his head, Cash grabs her in a hug, and they both tremble with laughter and tears.

  “As lovely as this has all been, we have a wedding to put on. And I’d rather not think about my bride with anyone else. Even if he was one of the best people I’ve ever known,” I say, meeting Cash’s gaze.

  He nods and we clasp hands, and then I pull him in for a hug, patting him on the back.

  “I really am sorry…for everything.”

  “My makeup!” Cat screeches as more tears cascade down her cheeks.

  “Did someone say they need help with makeup?” Sophie says from the back of the group.

  Cat gasps and claps a hand over her mouth when she spots her. “You brought my best friend?” she asks, peering up at me, then looking back to where Sophie, Dex, and their gaggle of kids step out of the crowd.

  I smile at her. “Couldn’t get married without her here, Kitten.”

  Another sob erupts from her. “I love you.”

  “I love you too. Now let’s get rid of those tears, baby. The quicker I marry you again, the sooner we get another wedding night.”

  She smiles and pulls me close so that no one else can hear. “I have a surprise for you too.”

  I kiss her again. “Yeah?”

  She smiles. “I went to the doctor this week.”

  “You did?” I raise my brows.

  She takes a deep breath and slides a hand up my chest. “I did.”

  I place my palm against it and hold it tight over my heart. “And?”

  “Je veu avoir un bébé avec toi,” she says softly, her eyes glowing.

  I work the words over in my mind, trying to translate them, but they keep getting jumbled. Despite months of listening to nothing else in the car or at night before sleeping, I’m still not fluent in French. But I’m trying. I’ll never stop trying when it comes to my family. “I don’t think I know that one.”

  She smiles. “I want to have a baby with you.”

  “You got the test?”

  She shakes her head. “Having a baby increases the odds that I’ll get cancer, but so does half the stuff we put in our bodies. I won’t let that dictate how we live our lives…” She bites her lip. “For too long, outside forces controlled every move I made. I want to try for a baby. I want to choose you. I want to choose joy and trust that you and I will figure out how to deal with whatever life throws at us. Together. No matter what. And if I get cancer, I’ll fight.”

  Frozen, I stand in awe of the strongest woman I’ve ever met.

  She holds her breath like she’s waiting to see how I’ll respond. All I can do is let the smile that pushes at my lips take over. It’s the smile I’ve always saved for her. The real me. The man I became because of her.

  “So what do you say, husband?”

  I pull her against my chest and hold tight to the only woman I’ve ever loved. Ducking and bringing my lips to her ear, I rasp, “You’re a dream come true, Kitten. Our life is a dream fucking come true.”

  “Swoony,” she murmurs.

  “And tonight, I’m going to fuck you so hard you’ll forget both our last names.”

  She laughs. “Surprisingly, that didn’t ruin the swoon. You’ve gotten better at this.”

  My hair falls over my eyes as I smile down at her. “Only for you.”

  “Head over heels,” she whispers as I press my lips to her forehead.

  Trailing lower, I pepper her face with kisses and cradle her cheeks. “Completely. Irrevocably. Head over fucking heels in love with you, wife.”

  THE END

  80

  DIE FIRST BY NESSA BARRETT

  Epilogue

  Many Years Later

  Jay

  “There’s no fucking way my daughter is marrying a McCabe,” I grumble as my wife tries to push me out our bedroom door.

  “Shh, she’ll hear you,” Cat scolds. Her glare still heats me up in a way only she ever has.

  I press her against the door, caging her in, and push my pelvis against her. “Let’s just stay here. I don’t want to do a meet the family dinner. I can make it worth your while.”

  Cat bites her lip to hide her smile. “Our only daughter is getting married. Keep it in your pants for once.”

  “Ha,” I bark. “As if I’m the only dirty one here.”

  Her lashes flutter closed as she places her soft hands against my wildly beating heart. At forty-eight, my wife still takes my breath away. She’s only gotten more stunning as her confidence has grown through the years.

  We still play. Together and sometimes with others. But my favorite moments are when it’s just the two of us, here, in our own little world. She’s all I’ve ever needed—all I’ve ever craved—and the smile on her face tells me she knows it.

  Some couples spend their lives side by side yet living separate lives. Their friends interest them; strangers entertain them. I want nothing to do with them.

  My wife is the most interesting person in the world to me. Her thoughts. Her expressions. Fuck, I could watch her for hours and never get enough. We don’t live a life beside one another. We live a life with one another. She’s my life. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  One year after our marriage in Paris, Catherine gave birth to our first son. Two years later, we welcomed our second. A year after that, my wife was diagnosed with cancer.

  Because of her annual check-ups, we caught the cancer early, and as my wife always does, she used her experience to highlight the importance of annual screenings in an article she wrote for Jolie. She also started an editorial column online where she wrote about the treatments weekly.

  While she was the epitome of grace under pressure, I was a ball of nerves. I told her we couldn’t let fear dictate our lives, but the thought of losing her was so debilitating, there were times it was hard to let her go and get out of bed. But I did. We had children to raise and lives to lead. I promised Catherine she’d have my last breath, and I pray mine is before hers.