“I’m not the same, though. I’m—” I was broken, messed up and still freaking out so badly.

  Rex gave me a soft smile. “Why don’t we worry about what you are, instead of what you’re not? Are you attracted to men?” I nodded. I’d already told them that I was gay. “And you’re a great cook. That’s a definite win in my box. And you like being kissed. I bet you’ll really want a lot of kisses when you get more used to being touched.”

  I blushed and he let go of my hands. He came forward to kiss my cheek. “And I like the haircut Sophia gave you. She told us to tell her if your hair ever starts getting too messy again.”

  “Because I don’t know how to tell that my hair is wild?”

  Rex smiled at me as if he knew how annoyed I’d be at someone else deciding when I needed a haircut. “Guess not. Is our nap over or do you want to stay up here? I think we should go tell CJ and Malcolm the good news.”

  “What good news?”

  He gave me a wink. “That you don’t hate the idea of having three boyfriends.” Much too quickly for me to stop him, he grabbed me and had me pinned under him again. I tried not to panic and just breathe through it. He wasn’t going to hurt me. I wasn’t going to be taken anywhere. It was going to be okay. I tried repeating those facts to myself. But I was also getting distracted by Rex’s mouth as he placed kisses along my jaw.

  “I can’t think when you do that,” I told him.

  He laughed. “That’s the point of it. Stop trying to think. Don’t be so panicked. Just let me kiss you and love on you for a bit. Imagine how good this would feel with two other mouths on you.”

  I did what he said as I laid under him, without any guilt this time. I thought about Malcolm behind me, holding me up as he gently kissed my neck. And I thought about Rex’s light kisses on my jaw. And CJ… I put him in front of me, kissing my lips softly. He’d play with my hair like he had the other night. With the three of them around me, I’d be so warm and I’d feel so safe.

  “I’ve got you, just enjoy that fantasy,” Rex whispered to me. It was then that I realized that he was rubbing against me, but he was keeping the blanket between us. “CJ is soft and sweet. He tastes like peppermints, which he likes to sneak. When we first met him, he was a smoker. He quit that habit pretty quickly, but he still likes having those candies. Malcolm is all hard muscle. He runs all the time and he likes staying active.”

  I let that information get into my daydream and I imagined the taste of peppermint on CJ’s tongue when he kissed me, and I thought about Malcolm being hot and a little bit sweaty after a workout. Rex moved his kisses to my collarbone and I bit my lip as he hooked his hands under my knees and pushed my legs up and out a bit, creating a cradle for him.

  “Being with them both is the best thing I’ve ever experienced,” Rex told me in soft whispers as he ground himself against me. “And it’s not just the sex, though I can’t wait to show you that, too. It’s the kisses, the being held, the waking up and finding two pairs of legs all wrapped up with yours. It’s never sleeping alone again and always having company when you want to do something. It’s running out of toothpaste faster than anything else and never having to check how many people a board game needs to be played, because you’ll always have enough. Don’t fight this, Blake, just relax. Enjoy it. I know you’re close. Let go when you’re ready. You’re safe here. You’ll always be safe with us.”

  I opened my eyes and found him staring down at me. The fantasy melted away and it was just us together—just Rex on top of me and loving me as gently as he was probably capable of. I still hadn’t touched him, and now I brought my shaking hands to his shoulders. He smiled and dipped his hips a bit. “Let go,” he told me again.

  And it was so easy. I cried out a little as I came and I clutched at his shoulders as my vision went hazy. He whispered something incoherent against my neck. I felt him jerk against me too and I knew he’d come, too, then the world went still around us. We were warmth and beauty and, as I lay there under him, there was no constant thrum of panic that usually went through me. I wasn’t afraid. I was quickly getting overheated, but I didn’t need to run. Rex was laying fully on top of me, and I didn’t feel trapped.

  After a few minutes he rolled over and smiled at me. “How was that?”

  I gave him a shaky nod and a small smile then sat up. “What now?”

  He shrugged. “Now? Now we do whatever the hell you want to, though I do need to change my pants.”

  He was only a little bigger than me. “There might be some comfortable pants in the dresser. Second drawer down. Can you grab me some, too?”

  He found a pair of plain black ones for himself, then he gave me the Star Wars ones he liked so much on me. I rolled my eyes and smiled as I pulled them on. But then he came to me with a wet washcloth. It was warm and he cleaned me off with the gentlest of touches.

  “You don’t want to let yourself dry. You have come before, haven’t you?”

  I nodded and blushed, thinking about how the first time I’d come with them in the house had been watching he and Malcolm.

  “When you watched me?” he guessed.

  My blush deepened. I couldn’t believe he was asking me about that. “And…also”—I swallowed thickly. I couldn’t lie to him, as much as I really wanted to—“when you and Malcolm were kissing by the pool. He put his hands under your pants. And…” I shook my head and Rex laughed then kissed my cheek.

  “He is pretty hot.”

  When we were both cleaned off and his dirty jeans were in my laundry hamper, we headed downstairs. I grabbed a pill before we left, just in case I stayed down there with them late. Rex took my hand, and I stayed close beside him until he deposited me on the couch beside Malcolm. CJ was on his other side, then Rex went into the kitchen.

  “Coming always makes me hungry. Anyone want a snack?”

  “Oh, God,” I groaned, dropping my head into my hands. I wanted to crawl back upstairs and hide under my blankets.

  CJ was up in a second. “What did you do to him?” he demanded. I could hear them yelling, even from the lounge.

  Malcolm put his arm over the back of the couch, draping it loosely around my shoulders. “Here’s the remote if you’d like to watch something,” he said as he put it on my thigh.

  “You’re not going to yell, too?” I asked him as I peeked at him from between my fingers.

  Malcolm chuckled and shook his head. “CJ is being overprotective enough for me right now. I’d rather just hang out with you. Go ahead. Pick something. You probably don’t like home improvement shows. CJ does, but he also wants a house the size of yours to work with. We have a two-bedroom condo that we’re renting, and he can’t even paint the walls there.”

  I took the remote and switched through until I found a show where they were auctioning classic cars. I thought that might be his thing. I peeked up at Malcolm, but I saw him looking as uninterested as before. So, I decided that if he wasn’t going to help me figure out what to watch, I was going to flip through until I found something for me, which happened to be a show on the natural hybridization of animals. I put the remote back down.

  “You can change it if you don’t like animal shows,” I told him softly. I’d never really tried watching TV with any of my bodyguards before, except them. I had my own TV, and no one but David had made me come downstairs.

  Malcolm just shrugged and we watched as someone told us about a polar bear-grizzly cross called a growler. The name of it made me chuckle.

  CJ and Rex came back about ten minutes later. CJ no longer looked so annoyed. Rex just seemed smug. He sat down on the other side of me and shared some popcorn. I took a handful from the bowl and passed it down.

  No one asked me what Rex and I had done, and I couldn’t stop blushing. But sitting with them all and watching TV felt almost normal. It was comforting, that despite everything that had happened and how short of time that we’d actually known each other, that we could be completely normal like this. I really liked it. And I savored it for all the hours that we sat there until I realized it was dinner time. My panic was a constant mellow reminder, but I had no need to run back upstairs. I was okay, if a little shaky, but I kept doing my best. And for once, it felt like that might have been good enough.

  Chapter Twelve

  At almost seven I got up from the couch, and suddenly they were all turning to me. “Is something wrong?” CJ asked.

  I shook my head. “I should go make dinner.”

  Rex was already getting up. “Do you want some help?”

  “I like making dinner.” It wasn’t that I didn’t like that he’d asked. It was that I had some things that I had to do alone. I worked alone and I cooked alone. I needed this.

  Somehow Rex must have understood that, though, because he slowly sat back, then curled into Malcolm’s side in the seat I’d vacated. Rex gave me a smile, Malcolm put his arm around Rex’s shoulders and I went off to the kitchen.

  I really had to order some groceries soon. But I had some cheese, eggs and flour. I smiled as I knew exactly what I could make and, by the time the guys came in to check on me half an hour later, I was carefully dropping the raviolis into the salty, boiling water.

  Rex came up behind me and kissed me on the curve of my neck, just as we’d done when we had been in my bed. Only this time I yelped and nearly splashed myself with the hot water in my efforts to get away from him.

  When I glanced back at him, Rex had his hands up defensively. “I’m sorry.”

  I nodded. It was okay. Nothing had happened. “It’s just—”

  Rex gave me a little smile and dropped his hands. “Don’t worry about trying to explain it. I’m pretty sure I know. No blanket assumptions. Right?”

  I blushed and was so glad that he got it. “Thank you.”

  Malcolm leaned against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest. It made him seem imposing, but I wasn’t afraid of him. “Either of you want to fill CJ and me in?”

  I looked to Rex for help, and he gave me a nod. I went back to cooking. He could explain this to them. “Pretty much,” Rex began as he moved around the island away from me. “Blake’s acceptance of affection is situationally dependent, so asking is best?”

  He was turning to me for confirmation so I nodded to him. “Yes, please.”

  He leaned on the island and I glanced back at him as I dropped the last of the raviolis into the water. Eight minutes until dinner would be ready. I couldn’t wait. I loved pasta, especially when it came already filled with cheese. “So is it no kissing in the kitchen, no kissing downstairs, or…?”

  I glanced at Malcolm and CJ, then I stared down at my hands on the marble island. “I don’t want things to be weird, for any of you.”

  “Ah,” CJ smiled at me. “If Malcolm and I told you it was okay, would that help? Or if we told you that we’d both like to kiss you too sometime? When you’re ready, of course.”

  “I… I think so. You want to kiss me?” I asked him.

  Malcolm nodded. “Very much so, especially when you’re seeming particularly vulnerable. Then I just want to hold you against me and kiss you gently and try to make it all better.”

  I just stared at him and let out a little whimper, because I really wanted that from him too. I glanced away quickly before he, or anyone else in the room, could see just how much I did.

  “Are there any non-situational dependent affection things I can do to you without asking?” Rex asked as he came up beside me.

  I had to think about that for a while. I wasn’t used to be touched in general, and, on some level, it still freaked me out to be around three other people. “Can I get back to you on that?”

  He was instantly disappointed. I could tell. “Sure.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Rex shook his head and I stared down at my hands again. I’d already messed this up.

  The ravioli was ready a few minutes later. I finished them with a spicy marinara sauce and a bit of fresh basil from a little pot in front of the window. We went into the dining room, and I sat away from the others. I could see how that bothered them too, by the way they kept their eyes on me. CJ was the worst because he kept giving me worried looks like he was sure that he alone had been responsible for whatever had gone wrong this evening.

  But he hadn’t. It was all me and my inability to be physically close to people. Imagining being surrounded by the three of them was fine. It was a great fantasy, and I’d loved it. But the reality of having the three of them in the room with me, all paying attention to me and asking me questions at once was just too much. I felt claustrophobic and like I was on display as the freak that I was.

  I ate as much as I could then silently got up to put my plate in the dishwasher. Before any of them were out of the dining room, I was already back upstairs and behind my big door. Bandit had been asleep on my bed, but she quickly came to me as soon as I sat down on the other side of the door and started crying.

  I tried to stay as quiet as I could while I buried my face in my knees and my shoulders shook. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was crying, especially when my tears had nothing to do with my uncle. I missed Uncle Phin and was sorry that he was gone, but it was like I’d become so numb to death that I’d cried all that I could over him. That made me feel like a horrible person, but there it was. I was just a horrible person who couldn’t be touched, didn’t cry enough over my uncle and didn’t know how to function in society—a child who needed constant supervision and couldn’t be left alone for more than a night because I couldn’t even remember to feed myself. I was a mess and maybe I should be institutionalized, but that couldn’t be the answer. I couldn’t be too messed up to even be in society, as removed from it as I actually was. That couldn’t be what I’d become, just a raving lunatic who was better off locked away in a padded room somewhere while some nurse medicated me until I no longer knew my own name.

  I was sobbing when someone knocked on my door.

  “Blake?” Of course it was CJ who had come to check on me. He was the most loving, the gentlest person I could imagine. “Open the door, please. We’d like to talk to you and find out what happened and where we went wrong.”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong!” I shrieked at him through my sobs, no longer trying to hide my pain. “I’m the wrong one. I’m the one who can’t live on my own without a bodyguard.”

  “Your way didn’t work. My turn,” Rex said. “Open the door or I’ll never show you what else we can do in that big bed together.”

  “You’re such a pig,” CJ muttered.

  Rex snorted. “Being nice and coddling him isn’t going to get the job done tonight. He needs to know that we’re here for him and that hiding away from us isn’t a valid answer for when something happens. You’ve always told me that we deal with things as a unit. Well, he’s part of the unit now, so make him deal with it like you would with me.”

  “He’s not a stubborn asshole like you are, though. He needs gentle handling,” CJ argued with him.

  “No, you just think he does. What I think is that he needs to be strapped down naked and to let me show him how good it can be to lose control.”

  “No one is strapping me to anything!” I shrieked at them. Just the idea of someone holding me down right now had me wanting to run to my panic room.

  “See? I told you. Your way doesn’t work with people like him,” CJ snapped at him.

  Someone knocked on the door, just once. And I knocked back out of habit. Then the second door to my rooms flew open and I was staring at Malcolm as the door banged against the wall next to me, making a hole in the plaster. “They’re both idiots.” He offered me his hand, and I took it. He lifted me to my feet then into his arms. I wrapped my legs around his waist and held on tightly around his shoulders as I closed my eyes. There was no reasonable explanation of why he carried me or why I’d agreed to go with him, but he just took me into the lounge again and set me down on my couch. Then he knelt down in front of me and I pulled my knees up to my chest. Bandit came bounding into the room and sat down beside me while I stared at Malcolm, waiting to see what he’d do next.

  “You nearly broke my door and you damaged the wall.”

  He smirked. “Were you going to come out for either of them?”

  I shook my head.

  “Then my way was the only solution. I’ll take your wall as an acceptable loss.”

  Rex and CJ silently came into the room and sat down on the other couch, but they were looking at Malcolm and me. “Now, you get to tell me what made you so upset,” Malcolm said as he put his hands on the couch on either side of my feet.

  “I’m so lost,” I whispered. I began to cry again, and I wiped at the tears as quickly as they came. “I don’t know how to do anything for myself. Maybe it would be better if I was locked away, then I wouldn’t need to take care of myself and I wouldn’t be a burden on anyone.”

  “Oh, Blake—” CJ tried to get off the couch and come toward us, but Malcolm waved him away and, reluctantly, CJ sat back down.

  “What is it that you couldn’t do for yourself,” Malcolm asked, “if you really tried?”

  I didn’t even know where the list was supposed to begin. “I’ve never handled my own money,” I started. “I haven’t been outside since I was a kid. I can’t drive. If Bandit gets sick, I can’t take her to the vet and sometimes the vet that makes house calls for her vaccines isn’t able to get here for a few days. I’ve never done my own laundry or mopped the floors. I don’t know how to take care of the pool. I—”

  Malcolm shook his head. “And none of us know how to cook like you do. Rex makes macaroni and cheese with a powder packet, and you make fresh ravioli. CJ doesn’t have the patience for French toast. He thinks cereal is a basic staple for every meal. He’s good with people, not with food. And you’re great with food, but not with other people, so that’s an even trade. As far as your money, I’m sure your uncle had someone that will be calling or coming by sooner or later. And, as for Bandit, we’ve each got a car. We’ll take her wherever the vet is. Sophia takes care of the housekeeping, and they have pool companies online. You get your groceries delivered, your mail comes through a slot and we’ve already proven that we can buy you new clothes. Whatever your bills are or whatever else your uncle was handling, if you trust us to help you take care of it all, we will. Is there anything else?”