I clutched the picture tightly to my chest as I went back downstairs. Without saying a word, I put it back on the mantle where it had been the day I’d taken it down. I’d been just a day out of the hospital and seeing them had been too painful. But it wasn’t painful to see my parents anymore. They were beautiful, and they had been wonderful to me for all the years that I’d had them. I reached up to straighten the picture a little and make it more even. Then I felt someone behind me and I looked over my shoulder to see Rex standing there. I nodded to him, giving him silent permission to do whatever he wanted. Maybe he could my fragility right then and that’s why he’d even bothered to hesitate and ask. Whatever his reasons, I was glad that he had. I felt like I had no skin. I was so raw in that moment.

  But that feeling slowly lessened as his arms came around my chest and he pulled me back against him. I put my hands over his. He was my battle armor, my jokester and my protector. I let myself relax while I stood there in his arms.

  “You have your mother’s nose,” he told me, “and her mouth.”

  No one had ever told me that before. Uncle Phin hadn’t liked to talk about them much, and there was so very much I wished that I’d known. I had planned to ask him someday, but, of course, that day would never come now.

  I closed my eyes and let my silent tears fall over our joined hands.

  * * * *

  That night I took a whole sedative, like Farra had told me to, and I drank the hot chocolate CJ made for me. Then I was ready for bed. But I kept feeling like maybe it was time to stop sleeping alone. I didn’t want to have sex. I definitely wasn’t ready for that at all or on any level, but I felt like maybe it was time to make some changes to my life and how I went through it. And maybe that included being okay with just one other person sharing my bed—and only for tonight.

  But I didn’t know how to go about asking them. I knew that any of them would volunteer to spend the night just lying with me. But I didn’t want CJ or Malcolm to be there with me. I wanted Rex. And I felt guilty for wanting him to myself, especially when CJ was kissing him. I looked away from them and decided that I’d go to bed alone like I always did. I’d ask him another night, and that would be fine. It didn’t have to be tonight. I could wait.

  Only I didn’t want to. And that was selfish of me because nothing said that I had to have one of them to myself. I knew that they paired off for sex sometimes, but they always seemed to share the same bed at night. I wanted to be part of that group, but I couldn’t be just yet. And I felt like if I forced myself to be, then freaked out from having them all around me in the middle of the night, that it would be bad for us.

  I was starting to think of the four of us as a unit, and what would be best for us as a whole. And I wanted to sleep next to Rex tonight, but I didn’t think that that would be good for us in the least. “Goodnight,” I said as I stood and started heading to the kitchen to put my mug in the dishwasher.

  Malcolm put his arm out, though, to stop me before I could get out of the room. He hadn’t grabbed me at all to get my attention. And the only way he would be touching me is if I ran right into him. I looked down at him and he tilted his head back to gaze up at me. “What’s wrong?” he asked me. We instantly had the attention of both CJ and Rex too.

  I shrugged. Then I bit my bottom lip as I turned to Rex and CJ. It was wrong to want him for myself, just to sleep next to. Not playing favorites, but I knew Rex treated me differently than either CJ or Malcolm did. He pushed, and he wouldn’t let me back down. If I said I wasn’t okay with something, he would get me through it while I was still taken care of and protected. CJ would let me get out of it easily. I knew that. But I didn’t feel right saying that, or asking if I could borrow Rex for the night, like either of them were his pimp. Just the idea of treating any of them like that sickened me.

  I shook my head and tried to go forward. I expected Malcolm to drop his arm, but he kept it there. “You don’t get to go upstairs until you tell us what’s wrong,” he said quietly. I stared at him, completely unsure of myself and his words. He didn’t treat me like that. At least, he hadn’t really before. But now he was being firm, and I knew that if I tried to run underneath his arm, he would chase me, and I would be right back to where I was now.

  “It’s stupid,” I warned him.

  “I don’t care.”

  “It’s selfish,” I tried again. That made his eyebrows go up and I sighed as I realized the only thing that would get me out of this mess was if I told them all the truth. “I kind of wanted Rex to spend the night with me—just to sleep. But he looks busy and that seems wrong and—”

  Malcolm dropped his arm, and I ran upstairs. I was completely embarrassed by what I’d said and I knew I’d been selfish.

  But an hour after I’d gone to bed and was still trying to sleep, Rex came into my room. He silently lay down beside me, and I just stared over at him.

  “It’s not selfish to want time with just one of us—or even two of us. We have one-on-one dates all the time. And now that you’re here, we’ll probably have threesome dates too. That’s fine. You just need to talk to us about it. And, like tonight, if we have something started, we’ll finish what we start then whoever you want sleeping next to you will come up here. That’s how we can do it until you’re comfortable with sleeping in our bed full-time. Though it would be great if it’s this bed, since the one we have is smaller than this one and I like the view from your windows.”

  I gave him a tentative smile and moved closer to him. “I didn’t want you to come up here for sex.” I wanted him to know that right off the bat, in case he got any ideas.

  But Rex just laughed. “Believe me, I’m so worn out from those two that I couldn’t get it up right now, even if I tried.” I blushed deeply at his words but I was also glad that I hadn’t interrupted anything between them. He stripped off his shirt, leaving himself in just his lounge pants next to me. He had a great body. He wasn’t all muscular like Malcolm or soft like CJ. He had some abs, but they weren’t that defined. I like that they weren’t carbon copies of each other. They were each perfect and unique, just as they were. “How do you want to do this?”

  I had no idea. “Can you just lie next to me and if we end up touching then it’s okay, but we won’t force it?”

  Rex nodded and turned over onto his stomach. He pulled the blankets over both of us and yawned loudly, showing off his nearly perfect teeth, except for one that was chipped on the side that he could mostly hide, even when he smiled. I imagined him getting into some big fist fight while protecting one of their former clients and breaking that tooth on some guy’s knuckles. It made him seem dangerous and wild.

  “Night, Blake.”

  I pulled the blanket farther up until it was covering my ear. I faced him, so I saw him give me a sleepy smile and I smiled right back at him. “Goodnight.”

  He blew me a kiss then I fell into one of my best nights of sleep I’d had in years, safely tucked in beside Rex.

  Chapter Fifteen

  After waking up alone, I was slightly annoyed. I mean, I knew Rex had to work, so he couldn’t spend all day in bed with me. But at the same time, this had been my first time falling asleep next to someone. Anyone. I’d hoped to be able to savor that feeling and wake up next to him. Maybe he’d even smile at me. Maybe we’d kiss and he’d wrap his arms around me and hold me close for a little while as the sun came up. That’s where my fantasy ended, though. I knew what morning sex was and how most guys would have probably preferred that. But I wasn’t ready for anytime sex, let alone right-when-I-woke-up-and-felt-kind-of-gross sex.

  And the guys… They seemed okay with that. They had each other to satisfy their needs for now, and I knew that once I was ready, I would be welcomed into their bed and fully into their lives. I was theirs, as they kept telling me. And the three of them? Well, they were mine.

  I dragged myself out of bed and showered. The light snow had turned much heavier in the night and though the house was warm, I could feel the cold like an icy blast against my fingertips when I touched my window. Someday I’d be out there. I was sure of it. Someday I’d play in my backyard again and run through piles of fallen leaves. And someday, I knew, I wouldn’t be afraid of going outside anymore, because of them—because I had three men looking out for me and protecting me now. They’d never let anyone get close enough to hurt me again. There would be no more cages and no more psycho people to put me into them. I hadn’t even dreamed of being trapped last night. That was so rare. I’d woken up a bit shocked by the duration of my sleep, and I credited Rex’s presence with doing that for me. Without doing a thing except sleeping next to me, he’d been able to quiet my nightmares and leave me feeling safe enough that I’d been able to sleep all through the night for once.

  I was amazed and excited by that new development. He hadn’t tried to grab me in the middle of the night either. I’d sort of expected him to, just because he was Rex. But I’d woken up on my side of the bed. And the side that he’d slept on had still been warm when I’d run my hand over the sheets.

  After I was dressed and had on my socks and rainbow hoodie again, I came downstairs to see Malcolm drinking coffee as he leaned over the island and looked at his phone. He put it away and smiled up at me as I came in. “Hey,” he said. His smile got bigger as I came closer to him and smiled tentatively back at him.

  I drank down my pill with some milk from the jug then put it back before answering him. “Hi.” I came over to lean against the island with him, so that we could talk. “Was last night okay? With me stealing Rex from you and CJ? I’m sorry if it wasn’t.”

  Malcolm nodded to me. “It was very okay. Feel free to take him any time—or any of us. We’d all love to share your bed, whenever you’re ready. Can I ask you something, though?”

  “Of course.” He didn’t have to ask for my permission.

  “Why Rex? Why not myself or CJ? He’s a lot easier to sleep next to, and also to get along with in general. He’s so easy-going and he tries so hard to make everyone happy. Honestly, I thought you would have chosen him to share your bed with first, instead of Rex.”

  He was right. CJ was all of those things and so much more too. “If I’d panicked, if I hadn’t been able to stand having someone in my room and in my bed with me all night, you would have respected that and left. CJ would have tried to make me feel better, but he would have left, too. Rex, though? Rex would have pushed me to get past it. When I freaked out and he pinned me down so I could see that even when I was helpless with him on top of me, he still wasn’t going to do anything to hurt me. He doesn’t let me stay in the panic. He makes me work through it. And the fear? He makes me get to the other side where I can be reasonable and think rationally again. All of your approaches to how I react to things are good, at times, but when I’m afraid of doing something new, even when I know it’s a good thing for me and I won’t be hurt, I need him there to make sure that I don’t have an excuse not to be better.”

  Malcolm slowly nodded as he smiled at me. “He is good at getting his way. Would you like CJ and I to push you more? Whatever you need from us, we’ll do for you, in a heartbeat. In time, I hope you know that.”

  I already did. He didn’t have to prove that to me. None of them did. They already had, and they’d earned my trust because of it. I was safe in the house with them, because they were in it with me. I wasn’t ready to go out into the world just yet, but when that day came, I knew that they would be there for me then, too, protecting me and keeping me safe at all times, just like they did here.

  “What I want you to do,” I told him, “is whatever you’re most comfortable with. I don’t want you to feel like you have to change who you are. I care about you all because of who you are. And you’re all so different, but you work well together. And I want to be a part of that. I want to be in your unit, too, and someday I hope that I can function as well as you all do, both together and apart.”

  Malcolm moved a little closer to me. I didn’t move back. Having him in my space was kind of nice. Like I knew that he was close enough to reach out and touch me if he wanted to, and maybe he did, but he’d ask for my permission first. Someday I hoped that I wouldn’t need him to do that, but, for right now, I loved that he respected my boundaries enough to wait for me to reach out and touch him before he touched me. I laid my hand over his and he bent down to kiss my knuckles. By the time he was standing back up, I was blushing madly.

  “I think you’re going to be just fine,” Malcolm whispered to me.

  I came closer to him and tilted my head back, inviting him to kiss me. He brought his mouth gently to mine, brushing my lips in the barest of touches. I kept moving closer to him, moving us until I leaned on the island and he was in front of me. I lifted myself up with a little jump and my hands, then I was sitting on the island with him between my open thighs. I rested my hands loosely on his shoulders, and he brought his arms around my back.

  Kissing him was all gentleness and pleasure. I didn’t have to be worried. I didn’t even have to think. He didn’t demand to take over the kisses and lead. I just let it happen. I didn’t want to control them. I didn’t want to be the one in charge. I just wanted to be loved and to enjoy the feeling of having his mouth on mine as I tasted the coffee on his tongue. He must have ordered some groceries, or someone had gone out for them, because I hadn’t had coffee. I didn’t worry about it right then. It was more like I realized something mildly interesting, but I didn’t let that detail have any more of my attention than that.

  Something hard hit the French doors beside us and I froze as the cold tingle of fear raced my spine.

  “It’s just Rex and CJ throwing snowballs at each other. CJ has horrible aim when it’s not with a gun. You’re okay. You’re safe,” Malcolm muttered against my lips.

  While I did trust him, I did want to see them playing around for myself. Sure enough, there they were, no more than ten feet from the doors, both of them bundled up in heavy winter clothing as they tossed snowballs at each other. They were laughing and playing around.

  “They look like they’re having fun,” I said with a smile.

  Malcolm chuckled. “They are. If you wanted to join them, I’d go out there with you.”

  I looked down at my socked feet. Being outside was… Well, it was terrifying. Out there people could get me. They could hurt me. There was danger, and I was constantly being threatened. Or was that just what I’d led myself to believe? I looked back over at CJ and Rex. They were trained bodyguards, but they weren’t acting like they were afraid of a threat. They looked happy and relaxed.

  “On a scale of one to ten, how dangerous is the back yard right now?” I asked Malcolm as I continued to watch them.

  “If one is a puppy who can barely walk and doesn’t even have his eyes open safe and ten is a burning fire with no way out where you’ll surely die horribly and in a lot of pain?”

  I nodded. That sounded about right.

  “Then it’s a one. They wouldn’t be acting like that if there were any kind of a threat nearby. They’re goofing around, so it’s safe out there. If it weren’t, they’d be on alert and they’d be surrounding you. We all would. Why? Are you worried about them?”

  I shook my head. I knew that CJ and Rex could handle themselves. They were big enough that I thought they could take on anybody. But I wasn’t big or strong—or fast, either. That’s why I needed them. I went back to looking at my socks.

  “If I went over and opened the door, would you stand with me, even if I never went outside? Even if you thought I was being silly or stupid?”

  Malcolm tucked his knuckle under my chin and made me look up at him. “I’ll never think that you’re being silly or stupid. Whatever you want to do, we will. Lead the way. I wouldn’t mind a bit of cold air. I’ve noticed that it gets a little stuffy in here after a while.”

  I silently nodded then slid off the island. I was shaking and walking incredibly slowly, but Malcolm didn’t comment on it at all as he walked behind me. He was just as quiet as I was as we moved toward the door. I opened the one on the right, just a few inches, then stepped back as the icy air came around me, making me shiver. Malcolm was right behind me. I could feel his presence there looming over me and protecting me, even though he never touched me or said anything.

  I stood there for a few minutes, just breathing in the cold air and letting it come over my hands and face. I was freezing, but it felt so good to have the fresh air against me again. After a few minutes, I pushed the door open a little farther. That felt even better.

  I couldn’t get my hands to stop shaking as I put one out there, then the other. I turned my palms up and smiled at the snowflakes that landed on my pale skin. I opened the door a little more, until it was open all the way. Then I sat down in front of that open door. Less than an inch from the outside world and no one was coming to get me. I wasn’t being kidnapped again. I was just sitting there, just enjoying it.

  I looked back to see Malcolm smiling down at me. I turned back to the heavy snow in front of me and I leaned forward so that I could plant my hands in it. It was wonderfully, blessedly cold and I gasped as that icy touch went deep into my skin. I rubbed my hands together then put them into my hoodie.

  “I think that if I had any shoes, I might go out there right now for a few seconds, no more than that. But I’m not in danger right here, so maybe if I stayed close to the house, just in case there was a problem, then maybe I’d be safe. Just a few feet out, though. I’d need to be able to get back to safety quickly.”