He got me sitting, but my head was pounding and my vision was all blurry. He put a mug of hot chocolate in my hands and I sipped it as I tried to wake up. Malcolm sat down beside me and I resisted the urge to lean on him, not because I didn’t want to touch him, but because I knew that if I did relax against him, I would be asleep again in no time at all. It was a huge change for me to want to touch someone.

  “What started you being with more than one person?” I asked him, as I tried to stay awake. “Was CJ the first person you brought into your relationship with another person?”

  Malcolm shook his head. “No. I realized pretty early on in high school that I liked more than one person, but I felt selfish about it. People kept telling me that if I really liked the one boy, that I wouldn’t like the other, so I denied those feelings until I couldn’t. Then I asked if I could see if the second guy wanted to be with us. I meant as more than something sexual for one night, but that’s how my boyfriend took it. He thought he wasn’t enough for me, and we argued. After that, I approached things differently, by telling people right off the bat that I was looking for someone who would be okay with eventually expanding our relationship to include another person. I got lucky in my second year of college with someone who was okay with that, but when we found another person and he wanted to have his own group that was separate from us, that relationship eventually fell apart. See? I’m polyamorous, but I still ask for commitment within the group. The only reason any of us ever crossed the line into something romantic with you was because we sat down and spent hours talking about it between us, and we decided that approaching you would be good. If we hadn’t decided that, as a group, then this would never have happened.”

  What he was saying made sense, in a strange way that my half-asleep brain was somehow able to actually make work, and I was grateful that they had decided to come up to me. “Could we still have been friends?”

  “Yes, if you had wanted to. But there wouldn’t be any kissing or cuddling.”

  I smiled over at him. “There’s no kissing between us, anyway.”

  He chuckled. “You could change that at any time. I’ve been waiting for you to work up the nerve to kiss me.”

  “Really?”

  Malcolm nodded and I handed him my hot chocolate, which he put on a nearby table for me. After that, I wasn’t sure where I was going with this, but I definitely wasn’t sleepy anymore. I ended up getting up on my knees with my feet tucked tightly under my butt then just staring at him. “So…”

  “No, you need to come to me. Rex takes, CJ will slide his way in, but if you want me, you need to make those moves on your own. I’ve seen how you are if something scares you, and I don’t want that between us.”

  I licked my lips and ducked my head. Then I took a breath and slid my legs over his thighs so that I sat on his lap like Rex had been when I’d first seen them kissing by the pool. Malcolm laid his head on the back of the couch and just looked up at me while I tried to figure out where my hands were supposed to go. Maybe on his chest, but that seemed really intimate. At the same time, though, I was sitting on his lap. We were already being intimate. I decided to lay my hands over his shoulders. He had really big shoulders. When I moved in closer to him to be able to kiss him without falling forward, he rested his hands loosely on my hips.

  I kissed him quickly, because I was so nervous, then I pulled away just as fast. And I looked down and instantly wished that I’d taken my time, because he had soft lips and he was gentle with me. But then Malcolm put one of his hands behind my head and I saw that his eyes were closed as he brought me back down to meet his lips again. He kissed me slowly, letting me decide how fast we were going to go or how much pressure he was going to use against my mouth, and I loved that. I loved that he didn’t open up his mouth until I did and that I got to be the first one to slide my tongue between his teeth. He never moved his hand from my hip to grab me anywhere else and, when I finished, I hugged him tightly then laid my head on his shoulder and breathed deeply.

  “Thank you,” I told him.

  “You’re welcome. Now go get ready for that meeting. You’re running out of time.”

  Before he released me, though, he hugged me tightly too and kissed me on my cheek. I reluctantly let him go, but I knew that I needed to. I slid off his lap and yawned as I headed upstairs for a quick shower.

  The meeting went quickly, which was a blessing, and two hours after I’d left Malcolm’s lap, I was back downstairs on the couch. But this time I used my phone to text my therapist.

  Would it be possible for me to cut down on my sedatives? I would like to get off them eventually.

  I expected a text back, like she usually did when I texted her. But normally I texted to get a refill on my prescription. I was surprised that she was calling me.

  “Hello?” I answered my phone, earning me a look from Rex, who was sitting on the other couch watching the news. I didn’t want to bother him while I was on the phone, so I got up and went into the kitchen. But CJ and Malcolm were talking there, so I headed upstairs to my office instead. I didn’t realize that my house was getting that crowded, but I was happy with the company. It was another big change for me, but this one I didn’t mind.

  “Okay, Blake, let’s talk about your sedatives. What kind of timeline are you looking at for being completely off them?” Farra asked me.

  I frowned and tapped my fingers on top of my desk as I thought. “Is a year too little?” I did want to be off of them, eventually, but I didn’t want to go through the shock of not having them and being freaked out, either. I’d been feeling almost normal for a little bit, and I wanted to keep this lower level of panic, if I possibly could.

  “That depends on your motivations for wanting to be off sedatives after nearly twenty years. Or do you just want off this particular one?”

  I shook my head. “I want to be unmedicated.” I didn’t even really remember what that felt like anymore. I remembered the panic of last time—the insurmountable fear that felt like it was strangling me, even as I hid in my room and under my blankets. But how much clearer were my thoughts? Did I feel differently without them? Would I ever be able to simply go up to Rex and hug him like he seemed so eager to do with me? Or could I spontaneously kiss CJ on his cheek? Or wrap my arms around Malcolm while we were watching TV? These all seemed like such normal things for them to do to each other and yet I couldn’t even begin to grasp how to do them without my fear, panic and insecurities getting in the way. I didn’t know how to get around all of that, but I had a feeling that it started with getting rid of the pills.

  “I want to be normal,” I told Farra. “I want to know that my thoughts and my feelings are mine alone. I don’t mind that it’ll take a long time to get them out of my system, and I know it’ll have to be gradual. But I want to know that eventually I can be me without them.”

  “I think that would be a great step for you, Blake. When would you like to begin?”

  I’d already taken my morning pill. “Could I start on it tonight?”

  “Sure. Let’s have you go down to half a pill at night, two nights a week to start. We’ll do Monday and Thursday nights. This will be gradual and, if you feel like you’re having problems, we can go back up. Would you like to keep a journal of how you feel while you’re on the lower doses? I think that would be best.”

  I’d never been much for journaling at all, and I forced myself to do the little bit I did already, but if it was something that let me eventually get off the doses, then I’d trudge through it. “Sure.” I had a mostly empty notebook handy already, so that was the easy part done.

  “Great. Keep notes and call me twice a week to check in, in addition to your normal therapy appointments. Whenever we start to wean someone off a medication—or a group of medications, in this case, that have been in a person’s system for so many years—we like to have a lot of communication through the process. That way, if something does go wrong, we’re there to help you recover right away. How do you feel about this?”

  I was scared, nervous and worried that I’d never be able to be off of them, but I really wanted this, so I had to try. “I’m excited.”

  “That’s great. Make sure to call me.”

  I nodded. “I will.” As soon as I was off the phone with her, I went downstairs to find them all waiting for me. “Hi…” Was this some kind of an ambush or an intervention? I didn’t think that I’d done anything wrong to warrant something like that, but maybe I had.

  “What’s going on?” Rex demanded.

  CJ shifted his weight against the island. Out of the three of them, he looked the least likely to jump on me if I said the wrong thing. “Rex said it sounded like you were on an important call.”

  “But if you’d rather not tell us, we won’t make you,” Malcolm said to reassure me.

  It was okay, though. Now that I knew it was possible to get off the sedatives, as long as I could be patient about it, I wanted them to know. “That was my therapist I was talking to. She said I could start taking myself off my sedatives. It’ll be slow, but we both want me to be free of them.”

  “That’s great news!” CJ rushed over to me, but stopped before he got to me. “Are hugs okay?”

  I wiped at my eyes. I didn’t even have the slightest idea of why I was crying, only that I was. “Yes. Hugs are very okay.” He finished coming toward me now, only instead of rushing at me like he’d done before, this time he went slowly and took me into his arms with gentleness and grace. I laid my forehead against his neck and breathed deeply as he rubbed my back. I closed my eyes and someone came over and ran their fingers through my hair. Someone else, probably Rex actually, pinched my butt. That made me smile.

  I wanted them to all hug me at once, but then I didn’t want them to at the same time, because I worried about how I’d react to being trapped between them. I wanted it though—so much. I didn’t want to be afraid of them touching me. In my mind, it didn’t make sense to be afraid of their touch and, at the same time, care about them and want to be with them.

  “Group hug? Please?” I whispered. Then Malcolm laid his arms over me and I felt the strength of his body against mine. Rex joined him right after and I could feel the warmth of his breath on my forehead and cheek as he breathed deeply too. After a few moments, my breaths were in time with his. Malcolm was the first to pull away from me, then CJ moved a few steps back as well, which left me just with Rex holding me tightly against him.

  “I’m proud of you,” he whispered to me.

  “Thank you,” I whispered back. I closed my eyes. It had helped keep my panic away before when all three of them were on top of me, but now I had them closed just because it let me focus on the feeling of him—his lean muscle, the bit of scruff on his jaw and the fact that he smelled like peppermint. He’d been kissing CJ, for sure. Or maybe he’d kissed Malcolm after Malcolm had kissed CJ. This was so complicated, and yet I didn’t ever want to let it go.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I expected to see Sophia the next morning, since it was one of her regularly scheduled days but not to have her crying as soon as she came in the door or to have her waving a piece of paper in my face either. “Um…” I’d been just trying to make some eggs Benedict when she’d come in. “What’s wrong?”

  “You… You…” She sniffled. “You wonderful man!” She threw her arms around me and hugged me so tightly that I really couldn’t breathe. Also, she wasn’t exactly on my very short list of the people who could hug me without asking me first. I was instantly sent into panic mode.

  “Help!” I gasped out and was instantly saved by Malcolm as he pried her off me. I shivered and rolled my shoulders the instant I was free. But she’d latched right onto Malcolm, and she was crying again. I shared a look with him and made sure that I made another serving of breakfast, in case she wanted one. If she turned it down, it was okay, anyway. The guys didn’t really let food go to waste, so I knew it would get eaten quickly. There might even be fighting over it. I loved how they seemed to adore my food. It felt good to do something nice and something that was appreciated for someone else, and cooking worked to calm me in a way nothing else seemed to.

  By the time I finished making breakfast for all of us, Sophia was on to hugging Rex. And he looked happy about it. CJ looked amused, and Malcolm was smiling at me. “She must have seen her raise,” Malcolm said.

  Oh, yeah. I nodded. That made sense. Then I was suddenly happy, too, because I’d been able to do that for her. The money didn’t even make sense to me. I’d been trying to wrap my head around a number that big and completely at my disposal, but I hadn’t been able to. Malcolm had shared a small percentage of it with her, and Sophia had been brought to tears. I probably wouldn’t have even noticed the money being different, but it had seemed to matter so much to her. She finished her rounds with the guys and came back to kiss me on my cheeks. I ducked my head and smiled. I hoped she didn’t see how nervous she made me by being there. I’d gotten better, but I wasn’t anywhere near the level of touching where she seemed to be.

  “Will you stay for breakfast?” I asked her while I continued to look down at my socked feet.

  “Of course I will. Then I’ll get to cleaning this house. You know you didn’t have to do that for me, right? You don’t owe me anything. And what you were paying me was the going rate.”

  I looked up at her and realized she didn’t think she deserved the money. I swallowed against my suddenly tight throat. “I wasn’t even a teenager when you started here, and you’ve never missed a day or taken a vacation and, before these three came into my life, you were the closest person to me besides Uncle Phin. And…” Damn. Now I was sniffling, too. “You were the closest thing…that I had…to a friend for years and…”

  She wrapped her arms tightly around me and patted me on the back of my head as I held onto her and started crying. I dug my hands into her loose shirt and I sobbed into her shoulder. She just kept rubbing my head and back and telling me what a good boy I was and how much she loved me, until my tears subsided. I was afraid and nervous, but my tears pushed all of that away.

  Then she moved back and put her knuckle under my chin to tilt my head back. I had no idea what she was looking for as she stared at my face, but I blinked against the bright light. “You need more sleep,” she tsked. “Tell these boys to give you a night off.”

  I chuckled and couldn’t help but blush again. I wished that sex was the reason I couldn’t sleep. Maybe it might have been able to help me relax. It was a nice thought. I hadn’t noticed a difference in my sleep with only half a pill. I was still barely functioning and lucky to get four hours if I tried really hard to relax and think of nothing. I hoped that tonight would be easier.

  We ate breakfast quietly with the only real words being to compliment my cooking. Other than that, they were just moaning softly and I struggled not to get hard each time Rex moaned just like he had when he’d been on top of me.

  After the dishes had been cleared then put into the dishwasher, Sophia stopped me before I could leave the dining room. She laid her hand on my arm and I wondered about when I’d started not only allowing, but also welcoming the touch of certain people. Malcolm noticed, too, because he raised his eyebrow at me. I nodded to let him know that it was okay, and that I’d be out in a minute, as they started leaving the dining room. He gave me a nod, then Sophia and I were alone together.

  “Your uncle’s funeral is tomorrow, and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me,” she said softly. Then she started crying for a whole new reason. “I’m so sorry that you lost him.”

  I hung my head. Then I brought one of my knees up to my chest. The other leg I let dangle there as I brushed my toes against the floor. But I absolutely didn’t look up at her, because I was ashamed. I’d been in a hospital when my parents had been buried, so I hadn’t been given a chance to go to their funeral. But now? I didn’t have a good excuse, except that I couldn’t work miracles on myself. I hadn’t been outside in so many years. And there would be people there that I didn’t know. But I felt like I should go. I felt as though I owed it to Uncle Phin to be there. But, even as I knew all of that, I also heard my mind screaming at just the idea of going outside.

  I shook my head and felt guilty for it. I was ashamed of myself and I hated what I’d let myself become in that moment, because I couldn’t even be there for my uncle. “I’m sorry,” I whispered brokenly.

  She patted my arm then pulled away. “I know you are. And I know why you can’t go, too. Don’t you worry about it. I’ll tell you how it was, so that you don’t feel like you missed it at all. Now, I’d better get to work. You don’t pay me to sit here and cry with you.”

  She got up, and I stayed right where I was. Outside the snow continued to fall in light little flurries, but it was piling up. There might be a few inches out there. I remembered playing in the leaves in the fall, but not in the early snow days like this was. We weren’t even in winter yet—not officially, anyway—I couldn’t remember a time when I’d ever actually liked being out in the cold. The wind hurt my skin and being in the snow made me shiver. But it was beautiful to look at as I thought about the early years when we’d had Christmas with Uncle Phin, and we were all smiling around the tree as I opened up too many presents for any one kid to have. As an only child, I’d been spoiled senseless, and I hadn’t even realized it at the time. But now, looking back, I would have traded every single one of those presents for just another day with my mom and dad.

  I rose quickly from my chair and moved silently through the house until I stopped in front of the closet in my office where I never went but everything was still neatly organized. There was a silver framed picture of the two of them standing together on the day they’d renewed their vows. I’d been five at the time. I’d been an accident, and their reason to get married, but they’d never once made me feel like that. I stood there, leaning against the wall, smiling down at five-year-old me, throwing flowers into the air around them. I’d been a flower boy, because I’d demanded to be, according to Uncle Phin. I didn’t remember it, but I could clearly see how happy I’d been as I stood there smiling up at my parents. Dad was in a black suit. Mom had on a long, lacey white dress. With no daughter to pass either of her wedding dresses onto, she had donated them to different charities.