“Doesn’t feel that way to me.” Matt sipped his drink. His brother was dissatisfied with his life, and the place he hung his hat was just a reflection of his discontent. “May sound stupid, but my little house feels like an old pair of worn-out jeans.” He chuckled when Paul rolled his eyes. “I’m serious. It feels good, feels right. When I walk in the door, it doesn’t matter what kind of day I’ve had ‘cause I know I can leave it behind and just relax.”

  “I guess this house doesn’t really give that ‘inviting’ vibe, does it?” Paul asked, with a wry grin. “I’ve been thinking about unloading it. It doesn’t really feel like it suits me anymore.”

  Matt saw that as progress, but he wasn’t about to pass judgment. They were finally making headway. “You should do what feels right, whatever makes you happy, Paulie.”

  “So your girl… she really leave you?”

  With a sigh, Matt said, “Seems she’s taking a little break from life for a while.”

  “You try to track her down?”

  “Not really. I thought I should respect her right to have space to sort things out.”

  “That doesn’t sound like you. You go after what he wants and gets it.”

  “Love doesn’t work that way. You can’t make someone love you.”

  Paul’s gaze drifted down the hall. “You’re right about that.”

  “You love her?” Matt asked, following his brother’s eyes.

  “I have since the first time I laid eyes on her.” He smirked. “I guess this is where you tell me to go to hell, right?”

  “I might, if I cared.” That statement said as much about Matt as it did about Paul. “Marrying Robin was a mistake, I can see that now.”

  “How can you be so sure?” Paul asked.

  “Because I know how I feel about Kris, and it doesn’t compare to the way I felt about Robin. This is the real thing. The thought of losing her…”

  “I saw it, the way you looked at her that night at the folks’ place. That’s why I did what I did. I wanted you to feel what I felt when I stood by your side and watched you marry Robin.”

  “Jesus, what a pair we are, huh?” If the pain wasn’t so fresh, Matt may have been able to find humor in their predicament. “We had damn good role models. So how’d we get this relationship thing so wrong?”

  “I ask myself that question all the time.”

  Leaning forward, Matt raised his glass. “Here’s to finally getting it right.”

  Paul smiled and touched his glass to his brother’s. “I’ll drink to that.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  “You any closer to making a decision?” Nadine asked, looping her arm through her daughter’s as they walked along the quiet street. They peered into shop windows, waving or smiling at the occasional person who passed them.

  Kristen had already stayed longer than she’d intended. The week with Phillip and her mother had been therapeutic, healing her in ways she hadn’t expected. “I’m getting there.” They passed a baby boutique, and Kristen stopped, admiring the decked out bassinet and nursery vignette.

  “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Nadine whispered almost reverently. “I pass by here all the time, wondering when… if I’ll ever be able to come in and buy something special for my grandbaby.”

  Tears sprang to Kristen’s eyes, and she had to blink to clear her vision. “I do want a family of my own someday.” Whenever she thought about it, visions of their broken family came back to haunt her, so she pushed it out of her head, vowing to think about it another day.

  “Then what are you afraid of, honey?” Nadine brushed her daughter’s long hair aside so she could see her face.

  “I’m afraid of making a mistake.” Kristen stepped aside so an expectant mother could enter the shop. She looked so happy, her eyes bright with excitement. Kristen wanted to feel that too. Excited about the future, in love with her husband and unborn baby.

  “We all have to manage our fear,” Nadine said. “I’m afraid too.”

  “Of what?”

  “Of losing you.”

  Confused, Kristen drew her attention away from the window to search her mother’s face. Tears were swimming in her eyes. “Why would you be afraid of losing me?”

  “Losing a child is gut-wrenching. You’re never the same after that. No matter how hard you try to move on with your life, there’s always a piece of you that’s missing.”

  “I still miss him too.” Kristen squeezed her mother’s hand. “I think about him every day, especially around the holidays or his birthday.” The only other person who would understand their grief was her father. Her father had his faults, but there was little he wouldn’t have done to shield his children from physical harm. If only he’d considered the emotional impact of his decisions.

  “It’s because of what happened to your brother that I worry about you so much. If I don’t speak to you for a few days, I get frantic. All of these terrible scenarios filter through my head, and Philip has to be the voice of reason.” She smiled, though her eyes still reflected her sadness. “He’s forever reminding me that you’re busy, that you’ll return my call when you have the chance.”

  Kristen felt a pang of guilt. It was easy for the hours, even days, to slip past when she was busy. She should be more considerate, especially under the circumstances. “I’m sorry, Mama. I’ll try harder to—”

  “No, it’s okay.” Nadine took Kristen’s hand and guided her toward a bench in front of the boutique. “You don’t owe it to me to ease my fears, baby.”

  That may be true, but Kristen wanted her mother to enjoy the peace she deserved. “We were happy once, weren’t we? As a family. I remember a lot of good times before things fell apart.”

  “There were a lot of good times,” Nadine said, a faint smile tugging at her lips. “I have no regrets about marrying your father. He gave me two of the best things that ever happened to me: you and Lionel.”

  “He also gave you a lot of heartache and disappointment.”

  “No, I did that to myself.” Nadine tucked her hands under her arms. “I’d known for a long time that Charles didn’t love me anymore. He told me as much.”

  Unable to offer the words of comfort that were on the tip of her tongue, Kristen just listened. Learning about the breakdown of her parents’ marriage from an adult’s viewpoint would help her put things into perspective. Maybe she would learn to be strong enough to make some decisions about her future.

  “He wasn’t unkind or hurtful. He just said he felt we were drifting apart. He said he didn’t feel we were connecting anymore. He loved his children and loved me because I’d given them to him, but he wasn’t in love with me anymore.”

  Kristen tried to conjure up her anger and bitterness for the man who’d abandoned them, but it wasn’t there. She found memories of the daddy who held her hand at the skating rink during their winter vacations or pushed her on the swing at the park. “I miss him too.”

  “I know you do, sweetheart.” Nadine took a packet of tissues out of her purse and handed one to Kristen. “Sometimes I blame myself for the rift between the two of you.”

  “It wasn’t your fault,” Kristen said quickly. Her mother had more than enough guilt over her son’s death and her subsequent drinking. The last thing Kristen wanted to do was add to her burden. “Dad chose to leave us. He did that.”

  “He left me, Kristen. He didn’t leave you.”

  “Same thing,” she muttered, unable to look her mother in the eye. When her dad left, Kristen was mad at life. She was angry that her brother was taken away when she needed him most, that her mother chose the bottle over her family, and her father, who’d always promised to be there for her, wasn’t.

  “No, it wasn’t the same thing. I let you believe it was because I wanted you to hate him as much as I did. Seeing how much that hate has hurt you made me realize how selfish I was.”

  “You weren’t being selfish,” Kristen argued. “You were trying to protect me.” She had to believe that. Her mother was the only person she had left who loved her unconditionally. A little voice reminded her of Matt, but she quashed it.

  “I was trying to get even with Charles for leaving me by turning you against him.”

  Kristen shook her head, refusing to believe her mother could have been so underhanded. It wasn’t in her nature to be deceitful. “I don’t believe you would do something like that on purpose. You had every right to be angry. So did I.”

  “Does believing he was solely responsible help you sleep at night?” Nadine asked, curling her hand over her daughter’s. “Does it help if you have someone to blame, someone to hold accountable for what happened to our family?”

  “Why are you saying these things?” Kristen had always believed she and her mother were on the same page about her father’s betrayal. Now it seemed Nadine was giving him a free pass and suggesting her daughter do the same.

  “Because I want you to let go so you can move on with your life.”

  “Don’t you think I want that?” A sob escaped as Kristen tried to ignore the curious stares of people passing by. “You think I want to question the sincerity of every man I meet? I don’t!”

  “It’s okay.” Nadine pulled Kristen into her arms. “It’s okay to let it out.”

  “Not here.” Kristen was mortified that she’d fallen apart on a street corner in broad daylight.

  “Why not here? Do you know any of these people? Do you owe them anything?”

  “No, but you do. Don’t you care what they think?”

  “I don’t give a rip.” Nadine laughed at Kristen’s shocked expression. “Hitting rock bottom strips you of all humility. I was falling down drunk in front of everyone from our minister to the president of the P.T.A. Not much you can say or do will garner the same kind of negative attention.”

  Kristen couldn’t help but laugh. “When you put it that way…”

  “The fact is, at the end of the day, the only person you’re accountable to is the one in the mirror.”

  “I know.”

  “Do you? Really? Are you happy with the way you’re living? Are you being true to yourself?”

  “I don’t know,” Kristen said with a grimace and light shake of her head. “I thought I was, but Matt made me question everything.”

  “Maybe it’s not so much what Matt did, but the way he made you feel.”

  “What do you mean?” Kristen wasn’t sure she wanted to know.

  “He did something you thought was a deal-breaker.” Nadine smiled and waved when a woman leaving the post office called her name. “He cheated. But he didn’t cheat on you, baby.”

  “I know that.” The arguments for and against loving Matt had been spinning around in her head for so many days she was getting dizzy. “But he proved he’s capable of that. How can I believe he won’t do the same to me?”

  “There are no guarantees. Anyone is capable of anything, under the right circumstances.”

  Kristen tugged at her pink cashmere scarf when it felt like a noose tightening. Was her mother suggesting she jump in with both feet without being certain Matt would be there to catch her? How could she do that? “That’s not very comforting.”

  Nadine laughed. “I wasn’t trying to comfort you. I was trying to reason with you. When your cell phone was charging on the kitchen counter, I couldn’t help but notice you had seventeen missed calls from your young man.”

  “You couldn’t help but notice?” Kristen raised an eyebrow.

  “Fine, I snuck a peek,” Nadine said, sitting straighter as she squared her slight shoulders. “Call me a nosy old hag, but I couldn’t help myself.”

  “Fine, you’re a nosy old hag.”

  Nadine looked at her daughter, stunned, before they both burst out laughing. The release was cathartic as Kristen laughed until tears streamed down her cheeks. She didn’t care that people did a double-take when they walked by. As her mother so aptly pointed out, she didn’t owe them a damn thing.

  “My point is,” Nadine said, when she finally caught her breath, “a man doesn’t call you that many times unless he’s serious about making amends.”

  “So you think I should give him a chance to explain what happened with his ex-wife?”

  “No.”

  Kristen tried to ignore her disappointment. She’d hoped her mother would tell her to give Matt another chance. “Oh.”

  “I think you should tell him he doesn’t have to explain.”

  “What?”

  “What happened between them has nothing to do with what the two of you are trying to build. You don’t have the right to question him about his past any more than he has the right to question you about yours.”

  “You really believe that?” The past shaped a person. Was it possible to fall in love with someone without knowing about the mistakes they’d made?

  “It’s worked for me and Phillip.”

  “You mean Phillip doesn’t know everything about—”

  “He knows as much as I chose to tell him, which is a lot. But that was long after we were married, and not because I felt I had to. I knew it wouldn’t change how he felt about me. He loved me. Nothing I’d done years ago would change that.”

  Kristen closed her eyes and pondered those words. How could I have been so dense?

  ***

  Matt was tired by the time he stumbled through his front door. He wasn’t looking forward to another sleepless night. He’d had eight since Kristen left, and he knew the hours stretching out before him would be more of the same.

  He stopped in his tracks when he heard sounds coming from the kitchen. His door had been locked. He hadn’t seen a familiar car parked in the driveway or on the street. Since his mother was the only one with a spare key to his house, he assumed it was her.

  “Hey, Ma, I wasn’t—” He paused mid-step when he saw her. “What’re you doing here?” He made it sound as though the sight of Kristen’s gorgeous face wasn’t the best surprise he’d ever had. Damn. “I mean…” What did he mean? Glad you’re back. Nice to see you. Where’d you go? Don’t ever leave me like that again!

  Kristen was wearing an apron, and she had been bent over and peering at something in the oven when his voice startled her. She jumped back. “Oh my God, Matt.” She flattened her hand against her chest. “I didn’t hear you come in.” When the silence stretched on, she said, “I’m sorry.” She gestured to the pots on his stovetop and sink full of dishes. “I went to see your mama, you know, to thank her for all of her help with the party. I didn’t get a chance that night.”

  She started wringing her hands, a sure sign she was nervous. Matt wanted to find the words to put her at ease, but he couldn’t while his heart thumped loudly enough to drown out the radio playing classic country tunes.

  “Where’ve you been?” he asked, bracing a hand on the granite countertop. The cold surface felt good, grounding him and reminding him that no matter what happened, he would survive. He hoped. “I’ve been going out of my mind worrying about you.”

  He cursed his accusatory tone. She was there. That should be enough. Granted, she wasn’t launching herself into his arms and telling him she loved him, but she was making him dinner. That was a good sign, wasn’t it? He sure as hell hoped so, or his mood was about to go from bad to a whole lot worse.

  “I didn’t mean to worry you,” she said, flattening her hands on the other side of the counter.

  That two foot slab was the only thing separating them, but it felt like an ocean. “Why didn’t you contact me? I must have left a dozen messages.”

  “I needed time… to think.”

  “And?” If she didn’t give him a hint as to what she was thinking soon, he would lose it.

  “It helped. I sorted a lot of things out.”

  Instead of telling him what she’d decided, she set about emptying the pots into the bowls she’d laid out. Vegetables. Mashed potatoes. Gravy. If he didn’t miss his guest, there was a roast in the oven. She’d gone to a lot of trouble preparing one of his favorite meals. But why?

  “Would you mind giving me a hand with these?” she asked, taking two of the bowls and leaving two for him. “The meat is almost ready. Then we can eat.”

  How the hell does she expect me to eat with a knot the size of a golf ball lodged in my throat? Instead of admitting his weakness, he said, “Sure,” and picked up the dishes before following her into the dining room. “This looks nice.” He admired the antique china she must have found in the buffet. The table was covered in a cream linen tablecloth, and the centerpiece was fresh flowers and candles. He’d have to be blind not to see she was setting the scene for a romantic dinner, but he wasn’t ready to get his hopes up until he heard the words from her lips.

  “Thanks.” She lit the candles with a matchbook and stood back to admire her handiwork. “I didn’t expect to find all this stuff here. Your house is pretty well stocked for a bachelor pad.”

  “I believe in making a house feel like a home.” When he couldn’t stand it another second, he reached for her hand. “But I gotta tell you, I’ve never felt more at home than I do right now. Because you’re here.” He wanted to tell her how sure he was that she belonged there with him, sharing his table every night, watching TV in front of the fire on crisp days, and waking up in each other’s arms every morning.

  Looking around the dimly lit room, she said, “I love this house, Matt. From the second I walked through that door, I felt like I belonged here.”

  He held his breath, waiting for her to say all the things he’d been thinking.

  Instead, she said, “Oh, I almost forgot the meat. Sit. I’ll be right back.”

  Matt closed his eyes and curled his fingers around the back of the hand-carved wood chair. He needed to hear her say she could get past what she’d learned about the breakup of his marriage before he could allow himself to believe they could have a future together. He’d spent every day and night since she left thinking about what his life would be like with her… and without her. He didn’t think he could face the latter.

  When he knew he couldn’t sit still, as she’d suggested, he made his way into the kitchen. “Shall I get the wine?”