‘Collin, do you want a divorce?’ I typed out but didn’t dare send it. Part of me was terrified of the one-word answer I might receive and the other part of me knew that even I wasn’t the kind of person to seriously demand something that serious over text message.

  Plus, reading the word, even after I had typed it scared the hell out of me. I erased it immediately, hoping to God that I was extremely off base.

  I didn’t want to lose Collin, but I wasn’t going to fall all over him either. I had asked him to talk when I got home last night, and he refused. I had told him I loved him, and he hadn’t even tried to respond.

  Did he love me? I thought, wishing these thoughts would go away. I didn’t want to have this looming over my head. I just wanted to fix whatever this was, but considering I was the one who started it and I didn’t know how to fix it, I wasn’t sure what to do.

  I would do anything for Collin and if our relationship was in more trouble than I realized, I wanted to fix it right away. I would do anything I could for him, but now, he was simply flat-out ignoring me and I hated it.

  I couldn’t fathom why he wouldn’t just try to work with me. I wanted to at least find out where we were at, because not knowing was worse than any possible outcome I could think of.

  ‘Look, I’m sorry I was late coming home last night, but that is no reason for you to act like a child…I want to fix this, whatever this is. I love you.’ I typed out, feeling better about this text than the first one I had written, but I erased this one as well. I didn’t think either of us were at fault and I certainly wasn’t going to swoon all over him, because letting him do exactly what he wanted was what made me unhappy in the first place.

  I thought about telling him that I would do my best to come home as early as possible, but I knew that wasn’t entirely true. I couldn’t promise anything. I didn’t want to promise anything to him like that because I figured if for whatever reason I didn’t go straight home, or had to work late, he would use this text against me in an argument and I refused to give him that kind of easy ammunition.

  So, again, without sending anything back, I put my phone down and got ready for my day. Having not slept so great the night before, I was exhausted, but I knew the mental anguish of my current, personal situation was far worse than the actual lack of sleep I received.

  I went to work and thankfully, once I was out of a personal space, I was able to flip my working switch and get what I needed to do done and over with.

  Being able to be so malleable when it came to the ability to morph from personal Flora to professional Flora was an accomplishment that was many years in the making. Now that I had it almost down to a science, I was able to rely on it, exclusively when I needed this personality trait the most.

  I was more thankful than ever to be able to do this, though, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to work at all if I couldn’t turn off my personal problems.

  I was done with work at a reasonable time that evening, thanks to my no-bullshit attitude.

  Yet, every time I thought about having to go back to the apartment and face Collin, the knot in my stomach tightened. What was worse, however, was the idea that I would get home and Collin wouldn’t be there at all.

  I wasn’t sure he was even coming home tonight, since I hadn’t answered his text and therefore, I decided that instead of racing home to be either disappointed or possibly irreconcilably broken hearted, I would make a quick pit stop.

  “Hey, Girl!” Riley answered the door cheerfully, but her face dropped when she saw how horrible I looked. “What the hell got into you? Are you okay?” Her voice was automatically worried.

  “Yes, I’m okay,” I replied, to curb her worry. “I just need to talk.”

  “Okay,” she replied, stepping out of the doorway, so that I could come inside.

  After saying hello to the kids, Riley and I sat at her kitchen table and she demanded to know what happened.

  I explained what had happened the past two days, trying to keep the conversation a little more kid-friendly, since the little ones were playing nearby. I did notice though, that they were far less crazy today, and I wondered if they sensed something, or if this was simply the result of a proper nap schedule.

  I groaned as I finished my story, “I don’t know what to do, Riley. I am so upset…I just can’t stand it. I’ve never felt this way before and I hate it! Practically all my adult life, you and Collin have been there for me. I trust you two and that’s it. I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to change who I am not to lose him…” I shook my head and buried it in my hands, distraught.

  Riley was quiet for a long moment, but when she finally spoke, her words didn’t help much, “Okay, well, a man who wants a divorce doesn’t generally bring home flowers and wine.”

  “He might if he wants to soften the blow,” I responded, “Don’t you think I’ve tried to grasp on to that? All I can think of is he just thinks I’m some distraught woman who is going to be on her way to get the breakup food and something’s going to happen and then he’s going to blame himself for life.”

  Riley squinted her eyes at me and torqued her head to the side.

  “Um…Flora, don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you are way too far in your head. You seem to have convinced yourself that he is leaving, and you don’t really even know what it is he wants to talk about.”

  “But we’ve always been able to talk about everything. He understands me, and I know he loves me, so why is he dragging this out?”

  “Maybe he’s just upset that you couldn’t come home last night and he’s just having a man-tantrum. It’s not like he ignored you completely. He did tell you he was okay and sometimes, people just need a break from one another. It’s possible that he didn’t want to say anything he regretted, so he left it alone until you guys could talk properly.”

  “Yeah, but why didn’t he say that?”

  “Because men are weird,” she rebutted, almost as though she knew I was going to say that. “Look, I know Collin too and I don’t think that he wants to leave you. You’re just going through a rough patch. You said yourself the other day, you’re not exactly happy with the situation you’re in with him. You guys are too tired to have sex and you never see one another ‘cause you guys are always working. Maybe this is what it looks like when these things start to take a toll.”

  “So, what’s the end game? It’s not like I’m going to quit my job and I’m not going to ask him to do that, either.”

  “Of course not,” Riley insisted, “You guys need to think of a way to come to terms without making a life-altering decision. Unless one of you wants to quit your job, or do something drastic like that, it is never fair for you, or him to ask something like that. You need to figure out something that works for you within your current situation. You’re just having an issue. If you fix it now, or at least work on it, things will get easier, but if you try to move past it without having a conversation, it’s only going to get worse. That is usually when you can’t fix it anymore, after so many things go unsaid and unanswered.”

  “Okay, so when do you have time to talk to Craig? It’s not like he’s home at your beck and call…and besides, between all the sex and the baby-making, when do you have time to do anything else?” I insisted in a teasing manner, but I could tell from the look she shot me that she knew I was a little green with her advice, considering everything that I seemed to be presently lacking.

  “You have to make time. Sometimes, we talk in the morning while he’s in the shower and I’m brushing my teeth. Sometimes, we talk while the kids are in the living room, or right after I put them to bed. It’s not always easy, but we talk about a lot and we don’t let anything go without making the other person aware of it.”

  “So, you tell him every time he doesn’t change the toilet roll?” I demanded, sarcastically.

  “No, and he doesn’t tell me every time I get lipstick on his cheek when I kiss him, but there’s a balance.”

  “There’s a balance, I know, but right now, I’m off balance and I feel like I need a big gesture to get myself…ourselves, back on track.”

  “Okay, but not everything has to be grandiose. Sometimes, less is more. It’s not always about the big things. After all, it seems like him bringing home flowers and wine was a good thing and not once did you mention that you thanked him for it.”

  “He left the flowers out to rot. He was being a dick, because I didn’t do what he wanted.”

  “Are you sure that’s what it is?” She insisted, “Or maybe, he was upset and just forgot. After all, the wine wouldn’t have spoiled if he left it on the counter and as for the flowers, men don’t really care about flowers. He got those for you. You weren’t home, so he set them on the counter for you to see when you got home. If you found flowers in the trash and a smashed wine bottle, I’d say you might be on to something, but honestly, Flora, I think he was reaching out and you completely ignored him.”

  “I did not! I gave him an opportunity to talk to me last night,” I insisted, indignantly, crossing my arms over my chest.

  “Oh, yeah? When you got home at one in the morning, after he wanted you to come home to talk about your marriage? You both had to be at work early this morning. He was probably half asleep. Why the hell would he get up and try to have a serious, probably emotional conversation at one in the morning, when you both had to get up early?”

  “You know, I’m starting to think that you’re not on my side with this whole thing.”

  Riley’s expression was immediately aggravated as she narrowed her eyes, “Flora, you’re refusing to see the big picture. You are wrong. I love you and I am always on your side, but you and Collin have been through a lot together. You have a lot of stress that is weighing on you, that neither of you can fix, and you aren’t making it rain financially as well as you thought you would be. Your plans are put on hold and what’s worse is you both have zero quality of life. You never even see one another for more than an hour a day, on a good week and you are the one who doesn’t seem to be trying to fix anything.”

  “Yes, I have!” I insisted, furrowing my brow back at her.

  “Okay, then why the hell are you here, talking to me, when you know damn well your husband wants to talk to you?”

  I went to respond, but instantly stopped, shocked at her questioning.

  “What? Do you think I’m trying to cause problems? I came to you for advice…” I finally stammered, “I’m trying not to cause problems. I want to fix this.”

  “Then, get home and fix it!”

  “I’m not happy, sexually,” I finally sputtered, feeling better having said it aloud. “We’ve done the same damn thing for ten years, and it’s boring! I want to do something else, but every time I try, he ends up taking the lead and ending exactly the way we have every time for a decade!”

  At first, Riley simply stared at me, but after a long moment, she cracked a grin and eventually started to laugh.

  “This isn’t funny!” I exclaimed, “I’m sensitive about this and I’m terrified to tell him. I don’t want to upset him. It’s not his fault.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you…Please, I’m sorry,” Riley put her hands up, as though she was surrendering. “I didn’t mean that,” she insisted, “It’s not you. I…I was afraid that you guys were really having some deep routed issue, but this is fixable. This is good news,” she replied, though I couldn’t find why she thought this was so incredible.

  I remained quiet, staring at her for more information.

  “Okay, listen, I think all you need to do is go home and remind Collin of the woman he married,” her grin was sly, but I didn’t quite understand her so-called good news.

  “Okay…So, what? Talk to him?”

  “No!” She groaned, but then backtracked slightly, “I mean, yes. You can talk to him about it, but you don’t have to talk about it…at first. You need to show him what you want and what he is missing.”

  I continued my blank stare, hoping that she would elaborate.

  “You need to show him that you can take charge and that he’s going to like it. Be dominant. Don’t let him take over.”

  “What if he doesn’t like it?” I insisted.

  “Don’t you think it’s worth a try? Personally, I think it’s a hell of a lot better than mentally drawing up divorce papers, without even having a civil, non-middle of the night conversation with him. I mean, I think you owe him that much.”

  “A good fuck and meaningful conversation?”

  “De-stress and fix the problem…I don’t see a damn thing wrong with that.”

  I laughed, feeling like this might work, though I still had my reservations.

  “I don’t even know how to start, though,” I insisted.

  “Who cares? Make it up as you go along. The important thing is that you go home and take control of your relationship. Start in the bedroom and work your way out,” she replied confidently. “If you’re able to do this, you’ll be able to do whatever you need to do to make things right between you two.”

  I thought about it but thought there were far more ways this could blow up in my face than not, so I wasn’t sure I could make it work.

  “I don’t know,” I finally lamented, “Maybe we should backtrack a little and I should start with a conversation. That seems a little better than going all freaky on him. I mean, last I heard, he doesn’t want even talk to me…”

  “Well, in all fairness,” Riley interrupted, “He won’t have to talk to you.”

  I rolled my eyes, “Okay, but do you think he’s going to want to be intimate with me?”

  “That’s what started this thing. Maybe this will be the first step in ending it,” she suggested.

  It wasn’t that I was completely against it, but I was concerned that I was making the wrong move in an extremely delicate situation.

  “You do realize that sex doesn’t fix everything,” I complained, when I had no other recourse.

  “Yeah, but if you’re with that person, it usually doesn’t hurt anything either. It sounds like all you guys have to do is reignite that spark. I told you the other day, you’re stuck in a rut…I just didn’t realize how deep that rut was…but you haven’t dug a grave yet,” she added quickly, “You can still easily get yourselves back on track and this can all go away. You just have to take care of it now!”

  “I don’t know…” I replied, eyeing her suspiciously as I thought over everything she said.

  “You don’t have to know. I know enough for the both of us. I’m telling you, this will break down a few bearers and it will help you open up to one another. Please, trust me.”

  I sighed, unable to help that I was warming to the idea.

  “Okay. I can do that, I think.”

  “No, I think! This only works if you’re confident.”

  “Okay,” I answered, and Riley stared at me expectantly. I stared back, unsure of why she was looking at me so intently, so I finally said, “I agree with you. I’ll try it.”

  “Great!” She exclaimed, standing up, “So, go! Get the hell out of my house!”

  I laughed, but she didn’t.

  “I’m serious, Flora. Go save your marriage,” she replied, shoving the chair back, so that I could get up easier.

  “Oh…Okay. Like, right now?”

  “No time like the present,” she insisted, “Tell me about it later, if you can. If not, we’ll talk when you come back from your second honeymoon phase,” she grinned broadly.

  When I got home, I was pumped and ready to go. This time, I wasn’t about to let Collin take control. I was going to do whatever I could to be the dominant one. After my conversation with Riley, I knew that I needed to figure this out, or I would risk losing everything I held dear. I needed to feel like I had say in our sex and if that meant getting a little rough to do it, I wasn’t opposed, as long as he listened.

  “Hi Flora,” Collin called from the bedroom when I got home.

  Perfect! I thought as I sauntered down the hall, stripping myself as I walked.

  By the time I entered the room, I was completely naked. Collin stared at me strangely as I approached, but before he could figure out anything to say, I ambushed him.

  He had no idea what was going on, but that was all part of the plan. I kissed him hard and directed him toward the bed.

  However, this time, it was me who sat, with my legs parted, welcoming him.

  “What are you doing?” He asked when I allowed him to break away.

  “Whatever I want,” I replied, pulling him close to me and pressing my naked bosom into his face. I felt him nip, bite, and tease my cleavage, but eventually, as he usually did, he tried to take control.

  I wasn’t having it, this time, though. Instead, I grabbed him and pressed my lips close to his ear, forcing him to listen to me. “If you don’t do what I tell you,” I hissed, feeling breathless with the power I was feeling, “I swear to God, I will tie you down and force you to do what I want.”

  Collin pulled away, looking at me with an odd look in his eye. After a moment, he smirked, and I couldn’t help but think he might have taken that more as a suggestion, then as a threat.

  “Is that so?” He asked, but instead of answering him, I grabbed his hair and directed his head toward my femininity, which was ripe and waiting for him to devour it.

  I felt him grasp my legs and so, I wrapped my thighs tightly around him, pulling Collin closer to me.

  Soon, I felt his mouth begin to kiss my moist, downy hair, before his tongue added to the pleasure I was feeling.

  I leaned back, confident that he had finally gotten the hint from my warnings, at least for the moment and reveled in the feel of his mouth pleasuring my most sacred place.

  Moaning, I grabbed the sheets and the side of the bed, trying to keep from thrashing away from him within my throes of passion.

  When I felt as though I was on the brink of expelling my heavenly moment of bliss, I pulled myself up and pushed him away.