Flora

  All day, I was so upset, I couldn’t even function. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t act right, and I couldn’t even speak right. I was a mess and immediately, people I worked with started to notice.

  Thankfully, I had garnered too much respect throughout the years to receive the regular, domineering, trouble in paradise question, but the fact that they were asking if I was okay, was almost worse. At least if they were joking about it, they didn’t think anything was wrong.

  Yet, my disheveled appearance seemingly took my co-workers by surprise. Today, my work personality seemed to have abandoned me. I couldn’t focus and all I kept thinking about was what had happened this morning with Collin.

  The way he looked at me. It made me feel so ashamed. I couldn’t get the image out of my head.

  I usually wasn’t a desperate woman and when I had started the mission this morning, I hadn’t thought that doing something like that to my husband would be anything more than slightly kinky, but his reaction had made me feel slutty and starving for attention.

  I didn’t like feeling so helpless and alone. I had worked extremely hard to build up the self-esteem that I had, and it bothered me that anyone, even Collin could strip it away with a simple look.

  Growing up, there was a time where I thought I was doomed to be alone forever, because my parents made it sound like the only available good men were the bachelors of my home town. I didn’t want them, because I knew what they would ask of me and I wasn’t about to give up what I wanted, for something that they didn’t know any better, than to want for themselves, and their families.

  When I went to college, I had a new perspective on life, but I still wasn’t going to convinced I’d end up alone. Yet, when I met Collin, and everything changed.

  However, today, after the two of us had such a strange reaction, I couldn’t help but feel the same way all over again.

  It was over a decade since I had that sensation, that fear that there was no one who would truly love me, and while I didn’t want to believe that Collin’s love had faded, the look in his eyes was that of a deer in headlights. He was scared and had no idea how to deal with the situation that he was faced with.

  This morning, he had looked at me as though he didn’t even know me; it was like I was a stranger to him and I couldn’t figure out why. I still couldn’t figure out what I had done that was so bad, that he couldn’t even tell me about it.

  “Hey, um…Flora, are you alright?” Tom, one of my co-workers asked as I passed him in the hallway.

  “Of course,” I answered, feigning the truth as best as I could, though I could tell by his reaction that I hadn’t done a very good job. “Why?” I asked, trying to recover, though I was sure that ship had indeed sailed.

  “I hope you don’t mind me saying so, but you seem a little…Off today?”

  “Well, you know, every day can’t be wonderful,” I grinned, even though I knew I came off sounding like a bitch.

  “Yeah, I know…Just, if you ever need to talk…”

  Tom was a weaselly little man, that liked to gossip more than most women, so come hell or high water, I was not going to give him any indication about how I was feeling or what I was going through. That simply wasn’t an option, unless I wanted my personal business blown out of proportion and slapped all over the building, like a cheap smut column.

  Still, I knew I couldn’t say that to him, so, I simply tightened my grin and answered, “Thank you, Tom. That’s very sweet of you, but I’m completely fine.”

  With that, not caring anymore if he believed me, I turned and returned to my office. Halfway there, I realized that I needed to go home and wait for Collin.

  When I got home, I decided to make a nice meal for us. I wasn’t sure when Collin planned to be coming home, or even if he was coming home, but I wanted to be ready to have a serious conversation when he arrived.

  However, as I was walking through the door, I received the text from him. Not wanting to waste another moment, I called his number and prayed that at least, he would give me the courtesy of picking up.

  When he did, I was thrilled to learn that he was on his way home and so, instead of working on dinner, for the moment, I started to tidy up the house.

  I wasn’t completely giving in to the whole Susy Homemaker shtick, but I did want to make all the effort I could to show him from the start, that whatever it was, I would be willing to work through it with him.

  After all, I was convinced by now, that whatever was the issue, it would be easier to get it out in the open, then continue to run from it like we’d been doing. I needed to know what it was that had made him so angry. If I didn’t find out soon, I was certain it would drive me crazy.

  When Collin arrived home, there was a spark of a connection that I realized hadn’t been present in a long time. Instead of going through the motions, we both allowed one another to feel what we were doing. We were both happy to see one another and excited to be home, able to enjoy the company of one another.

  When Collin kissed me, it felt as though it was ages since his kiss was as passionate and sincere as it was in this moment.

  The hint of desperation I sensed made me nervous, however, and I wanted to focus on making ourselves better, instead of drawing a wedge deeper between us. I had no intention of going anywhere and I wanted Colling to be sure of that.

  “Hi sweetie,” I said cautiously, when we broke away from the kiss, “Do you want to talk now, or…”

  “No,” he shook his head, while holding me gingerly in his arms. “We don’t need to talk right now. I just want to enjoy the time we are spending together.”

  I grinned and lead him over to the kitchen.

  “Remember when we used to cook together?”

  “When we were first dating? Of course, I do! That was so much fun,” he replied as he grabbed a knife and started to chop some onions, while I fished around for an appropriate frying pan.

  Throughout the preparation of the meal, Collin and I talked, laughed, and played around with one another. During that span of time, it became obvious to me how much I had missed this. It reminded me of a simpler time when, despite the homework and college drama, it was still all about the two of us.

  While I worked my ass off at school, there was nothing other than school and one another. There were no bills that needed to be paid, no worries about houses, or babies. We were just concerned with meeting college deadlines and being able to hang out between studying and going to class.

  I had to admit, it was a time that this particular night, I really missed.

  Of course, I wanted my career and I wasn’t going to give up the money we made, but I also wanted more moments like this.

  For the first time, in what seemed like forever, both Collin and I were together, and we were able to relax. We were able to be ourselves and we didn’t worry about anything, other than spending time with one another, and making sure the dinner didn’t burn, since we were getting hungry.

  However, the more I thought about it, trying to come up with a solution, the more I feared that no matter what I did, I would never be able to accomplish everything I wanted.

  Thoughts of this nature lead me to start genuinely evaluating my life. I thought about all the issues Collin and I had of late and I couldn’t help but think that the looming discussion. While, presently, I didn’t want to darken the evening with something so serious, but I also hoped that the conversation wouldn’t get swept aside, simply because we were having such a wonderful night together.

  Collin

  I always enjoyed spending time with Flora, but tonight, I was ecstatic. We were having an amazing time and for the first time in what seemed like years, we were able to talk about everything and anything, but work.

  Lately, that seemed to be the only subject we knew how to discuss with one another, but now that we had finally let our guard down, it felt natural and easy to talk to Flora; like it always was, until something happened and that was no longer the case.

  I had no idea what happened or why it ended up being that way, but at some point, the only conversation we seemed to have was about our ambitions and complaints about our jobs.

  Yet, on this particular night, we were able to set all of that menial crap aside and finally, focus on one another.

  However, after dessert, I knew that there was no way I could put off talking about my concerns, or it would eat me alive.

  I wanted to have this time with Flora, so that if all else fails, at least I had one last wonderful memory with her. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go but in case it went poorly, I didn’t want to spoil an opportunity to do something I understood I should’ve done a long time ago.

  Although, as if she could read my thoughts, with a swift turn of the tension between us, I watched Flora poke at what was left of her dessert, with her eyes downcast, as though she had fallen into serious thought.

  “Okay, Collin, I guess it’s time,” she took a deep breath and her eyes raised toward my gaze, confidently, as though there was nothing in the world she was trying to hide from me. “What would you like to talk about?” Flora’s eyes stared at me intently, but it didn’t take me long to realize that there was no accusation. She seemed as though she was simply curious and, like myself, wanting to get this over with.

  I drew in a deep breath, feeling kind of like an asshole for even going here, but I needed to know. So, once I let the breath go, slowly, I asked her, in the calmest voice I could possibly muster, “Flora, are you, or have you ever seen anyone else while we were together?”

  “No,” she answered immediately, her eyes narrowing as the true essence of what I was asking her came to fruition in her mind. When it did, her gaze locked on mine and when she spoke again, her voice was solid, but angry, “No, Collin,” she insisted, with a heaviness to her voice that made me feel both relieved and ashamed, all in the same moment. “I love you. I would do anything that I could for you. In fact, I have to consistently fight for you and defend you, every time I talk to my parents.”

  “I love you too,” I stammered, now feeling ridiculous for having any suspicions at all, “I just don’t want to lose you…”

  “Well, if you don’t want to lose me, why would you say something like that?” She insisted.

  “I’m sorry. I just had to know,” I answered. The contriteness in my voice was undeniable. I lowered my gaze, ashamed of what I had even thought about her.

  Now, in my mind, it all seemed silly. I should’ve never let those thoughts sink into my head.

  “Why would you even think…What did I do to make you distrust me so much, that you think I would betray you like that?”

  “It was just…You seem unhappy, with me, or something, and you didn’t want to have sex. Then, you’ve been staying out extremely late…”

  “Collin, I was working. Do you need to see the report I worked on until midnight the other night? I mean, you’ve not come home from the office on occasion and not once did I think you were out fucking someone,” she hissed, and I knew I was in trouble.

  “Well, then you were acting so weird…With all the taking control and the morning sex…”

  “Yes, let’s talk about that,” she insisted, “Is that you freaked out? Because you thought, what? I was getting my moves somewhere other than home? No, Collin. I just looked at you, sleeping on the couch, and I thought you looked so sexy, that I wanted you and I wanted to show you, just how much I wanted you. I wanted to do something nice for you and you treated me like some two-dollar whore.”

  “I didn’t mean to do that, Flora. I appreciate what you were trying to do, but considering what I thought was going on…”

  “Yeah, considering you thought I was, what? Guilty? Trying to cover up what I was doing by trying to fuck you into placation, so you wouldn’t notice?”

  I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out but a deflated, defeated, “Yeah…”

  When she said it, especially, it didn’t sound right. I sounded like a class-A dick.

  Everything that I was so sure of before now seemed to be completely unfounded and ridiculous.

  However, in a way, I was still glad I asked. I knew she loved me and now that I was certain she wasn’t cheating, I felt like we could get through anything.

  Although, as the conversation wore on, and the meaning of exactly what I had asked her continued to saturate her consciousness, instead of helping to dispel any issues with Flora, she simply seemed to become angrier and sadder.

  “Look, Flora…I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant…I believe you,” I answered, feeling as though my words were useless.

  “Well, that’s great! I’m so glad you feel better,” she hissed.

  “I’m sorry, Flora. I made a mistake.”

  “Yes, you did, and you hurt me.” Flora answered, this time with her voice reaching extremely low and dangerously even.

  “You know, I never meant to hurt you, Sweetie. I love you.”

  “I love you too,” she replied, but it sounded more like an accusation than a statement, much less a supposed profession of love. “You know what? I didn’t tell you this, because I didn’t want to hurt you, but now, I’m going to explain what I have to go through, all the time, when it comes to you and my parents.”

  “Oh, that’s nice. You’re going to hurt me now that I’ve upset you?” I spat, feeling slightly indignant, while my attempts to make amends continued to be ignored.

  “No, I’m not that petty and you know it. I’m not trying to hurt you, either, Collin, but I think it’s important for you to understand, since you’ve apparently been questioning my loyalty to you.”

  “Flora…” I insisted, “I’m sorry.”

  “You remember when I went down to my parents’ house a few months back? Remember I cut my trip short?”

  “Yeah? I thought you said you needed to work,” I replied, remembering that I was happy she was back, but didn’t think too much about it.

  This had all happened before my apparent stupidity took hold.

  “Yeah, that’s the reason that I told you, because I didn’t want to go into it. In fact, I didn’t believe it had actually happened until just recently. That’s how shocked I was that my parents would stoop so low.”

  “Flora,” I asked, stepping toward her with concern, “What did they do?”

  “They tried to set me up with someone else,” she replied, and continued to tell me the whole story of the poor, unsuspecting blind date and her malicious parents.

  Throughout the admission, I felt a mix of anger, hurt, and sorrow, which was all compounded by Flora ending the story with, “So, if I was going to cheat, if my oats weren’t significantly sowed, or if I wanted to do right by my parents, apparently, I sure as hell wouldn’t be standing here right now. I would be in my home town, being treated like the prodigal daughter my parents wish I would wake up one day to be.”

  When she was finished, I couldn’t find the right words at first, feeling extremely bad for the way I had treated her, as well as the disrespect her parents had shown her.

  Even though she wasn’t particularly close to her parents, I knew going through that couldn’t have been easy. After all, for as much as my father and I fight, and for as much of an asshole as he is, I would love to make him proud. It was a pipe dream that I knew would never come true, though I assumed the feeling was likely the same for Flora.

  Every child wants their parents to be proud of them. Regardless of the relationship, or the craziness they put them through.

  I pursed my lips and shook my head, looking down at the floor.

  For a long, grueling moment, I tried to wait for her to say something more. However, after a while, I realized she was waiting for my reaction.

  “I’m sorry,” I offered, finally looking up at her. “I didn’t know it was that bad.”

  “Yeah, neither did I. But, you know what? When I came home, I was happy to be here; a place where I was trusted and wanted; appreciated for my accomplishments, by a husband who loved me and respected me.”

  “Flora,” I answered, narrowing my eyes at her as I started to understand exactly what she was trying to say, in a sneaky, sarcastic manner, “You know I love you and I respect you. We’ve been together ten years. I think I know you better than anyone.”

  “Yeah, you’d think,” she hissed, “And yet, here I am, defending myself against you, of all people.” Taking a step toward me, she reached out to touch my face. Although I wanted to react, to take her in my arms, kiss her, and make sure that she knew I was just caught up in my own mind, I knew that responding wouldn’t be a good idea. I could tell by the sound of her voice that she had more to say than what she had presently said. I truly believed that saying anything at this point would only be contributing to my ultimate failure.

  Therefore, I was certain that it was better to allow her to gather her thoughts, so that she could speak again when she was ready.

  Yet, eventually, she scoffed at me.

  “You know, I’m disappointed that you would think so lowly of me and I am disgusted that you would think so much about it, that you didn’t even bother to ask what was wrong with me. Why this whole thing started in the first place? You were so wrapped up in making sure that your image was maintained, that you still had your wife at your beck and call, that you didn’t even stop to consider that maybe, there was something else going on?”

  “Well, is there? Are you really that unhappy with me?”

  After gaping at me with wide eyes for a long, intense, dangerously silent instance, she shook her head.

  “Wow…Okay,” she laughed humorously, “I’m done.” She replied, before pivoting herself around and stomping toward the bedroom.

  “Flora!” I called after her, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. Please, come back. I want to talk to you.”

  “Oh, I think we have both said enough,” she insisted, continuing forward, without turning back.

  “Listen to me, Flora! Please!” I begged, grabbing ahold of her arm and lightly turning her to face me. “I believe you. There is no doubt in my mind that you are faithful to me. Once I said it, I knew how stupid it sounded. I’m so sorry, but it was driving me crazy.”