“Why you no swallow it?” Rico asked with laughter in his voice. “Is good for you, like spinach.”

  Turning it into a joke made it even more repellent. He began to shake from head to foot. He hugged himself, feeling as if he might still vomit. “I’ve got to go.” His voice sounded hollow as it issued from the depths of his horror.

  “Sure. You suck good. I like. I fuck you too. You be my girl. You go now. I come after watch.”

  Robbie didn’t hear the words, only the blithe confident notes of the voice coming to him out of the dark. He struggled to his feet and careened across the deck and almost fell down the companionway. He tore his clothes off in his cabin and washed and dropped onto his bunk feeling doomed and half dead. His body ached as if he had been beaten and he felt he’d never again find the peace of sleep. He was gripped by the horror he had committed. He would never be free from the memory of it. What absolution could he hope for? He would have to face his mother as if nothing in him had been soiled or corrupted. She would never suspect the depths to which he had sunk. At least he still hadn’t been tempted to do anything with a girl. He would never be untrue to her and to the unspoken pact between them. He dozed.

  He awoke with pale light filling the cabin. Rico stood palely naked near the washbasin. His friend had come to sleep with him. His heart bounded up with welcome. His erection locked rigidly against his belly and he let the sheet slide off him. The torment he had gone through earlier was relegated to some corner of his mind where fragmentary nightmares lurked. If Rico did it with his mouth, he might be able to do it again for Rico. Something in him cringed from the act but he was consumed with the desire to worship proud masculinity. He was torn by the violence of his conflicting emotions, caught between the sublime and the physical degradation of achieving it.

  He sat up to absorb the wonder of seeing Rico naked at last. His body looked slighter without the bulky clothes, compact and muscular but unexpectedly boyish. Hair formed a cross on his torso, rooted in his shadowed groin. He turned from the washbasin and approached with a carefree spring in his step. He had an erection; he made a swaggering display of it. Robbie’s trained eye confirmed that his own was longer. If Rico could boast about his, Robbie had something to boast about, too. Rico’s had a slight upward curve and looked confident and aggressive. He caught his breath and began to tremble as Rico took a final step toward him. He was going to find out for the first time what a naked body felt like against his; he was going to learn what to expect of a man who was hard with love for him. He reached up for him but Rico brushed his hands aside and pushed him back and rolled him over onto his stomach. A hand moved over his buttocks and greasy fingers probed between them. Terror struck, making the soles of Robbie’s feet contract. He knew what Rico wanted. He had heard of it without believing it possible. The moment on deck wasn’t a nightmare but the prelude to this culmination of horror.

  He wanted to shout with protest; he wanted to leap up and fight off his assailant and escape but he didn’t dare make a sound. The creak of the hull and the slap and rattle of gear above drowned small sounds in the cabin but he couldn’t risk an outcry that might bring others running. Fingers continued to probe into him and apply some greasy stuff. He must stop him somehow. He would never survive it.

  Rico dropped down over him, straddling him on his knees, and pulled his hips up to him. The contact of their naked bodies seemed to drain all the strength out of Robbie’s muscles.

  “No,” he gasped as he felt a nudge of entry. He tried to tense his muscles to prevent a further advance. He tried to twist his hips away but he was held in a powerful grip. He clamped his teeth onto his arm to suppress a scream and prepared for the claw of pain. Rico seemed to become enormous as he slid deeper into him. A flash of pain seared him and shattered his remaining resistance. His body went limp with a groan. Rico was tearing him apart. He felt as if all his insides were going to spill out of him. If he suffered some hideous damage he would never be able to tell anybody, never dare have himself healed. He sobbed uncontrollably as pain ripped into him with the endless enormous penetration. For an instant’s pause, he thought Rico had reached his limit and then he made another lunge into him. Rockets seemed to burst in his brain. It had happened. He had been destroyed. His death throes were an orgasm that spun off to infinity.

  Pain was bliss. He hovered on the outer edge of ecstasy. His fingers opened and closed to cling to it. His toes stretched. Rico’s cock was in him. It made him a part of his friend. He acquired identity with every thrust of it. He was wanted, he existed. He knew absolutely and irrevocably who he was.

  “Oh God. Yes,” he murmured. “Yes, Rico. Do it. I’m yours.”

  Rico chuckled contentedly without breaking the rhythm of his masterful drive for conquest. “Sure. I fuck you good. Is plenty big, yes? I know. You want big man.”

  Robbie’s orgasm had no ending. It shook him anew, spreading ecstasy into every particle of him. Rico had taken possession of him and was finding satisfaction in him. All of him melted with submission. He wanted to be taken. He wanted to offer himself without reserve. The revelation was complete. His body was a receptacle to be filled by a man’s desire. He wanted Rico to feel how total his possession was, joining them and making them one. He moved against him, shaken by paroxysms of rapture, inciting him to an unrestrained exercise of his will.

  Rico gripped his shoulders and threw all his weight on him and drove into him with redoubled force. Robbie wanted to be punished for exulting in his subjugation. He had discovered the ecstasy of pain. Briefly, they were warriors locked in mortal combat and they both cried out with victory as they were rocked by orgasm. Rico drove his triumphantly into an adversary whose victory consisted of surrender and lay on him, breathing heavily. Robbie drifted in a stupefied daze of fulfillment, not daring to think how far he had moved toward accepting his future. He felt the hard power within him diminishing and he flexed newly discovered muscles to retain it.

  “Some boys almost good like girls,” Rico said against his ear. “You very good, very wanting. Why you no got tits? You be perfect then.” He laughed. Robbie could feel it inside him.

  “Have you done it with many boys?” Robbie asked hesitantly, still trying to fathom the mystery of what this meant for him.

  “Sure not. Not many. Five, six maybe, when no girl. You the best. You be my girl. You give me present, show Rico how much you like fuck. Other boys give me present.”

  “What kind of present?”

  “Nice present. Money. I got no money. You no want to give me money?”

  “Sure, but I haven’t got any, either.” He knew Rico didn’t mean it the way it sounded. He wasn’t asking to be paid for what had happened. It was just sharing between friends. “Don’t worry. I’ll get some. I promise.” He uttered a little cry as the power surged into him and filled him again.

  Rico chuckled. “You want Very much, you make me strong. I fuck you good again.”

  “God, yes. I want what you want.”

  “Sure. You my girl. Beautiful like girl. You give me nice present, maybe I give you a kiss.” He laughed as if he’d made a great joke.

  Offering himself again for Rico’s satisfaction confirmed everything he was discovering in himself. He had never guessed that his body would some day be capable of such rapture. He had never imagined that he would arrive at such sexual freedom. His mouth tried to join Rico’s but it evaded him. He was aflame with love and untried sensuality but resigned himself to what he supposed was the normal restraint imposed by their being the same sex. As they approached another climax, he sensed the restraint being overcome, as if Rico had forgotten that he wasn’t a girl. He doubted if a girl could bring his friend to more impassioned orgasm. Rico wanted him.

  When they lay still, Robbie felt as if he were cradled in a great healing peace after surviving a violent storm and he plunged into a deep sleep with Rico still sprawled on top of him, slackly joined to him. He awoke alone and squinted against the glitter of sun in the light that filled the cabin. He was seized by panic at the memories that crowded his mind but was instantly lulled by the peaceful fulfillment that seemed to have seeped into his bones. His new sense of identity was strong. He was somebody at last. He was embarked on a life of his own. He would have private joys, private disappointments. He was alone but he knew what it was like to be wanted. It dispelled the loneliness that had always haunted him.

  He became aware of the mess he had made of the sheet and rose, pulling the sheet up with him and tossing it into a corner. He replaced it with the top sheet. He must be sure to have a towel with him in the future. Rico would know how to dispose of soiled linen.

  He went through his morning routine at the basin and crossed the passage to the cramped shower to wash thoroughly. The boat was moving smoothly through the sea and it was another brilliant day. He wanted to go above to join Rico but he also wanted a little time to himself, to grow accustomed to everything that was new in him. His body had become precious to him in a way it had never been before. He saw for the first time that it was beautiful.

  He dried himself slowly in front of the mirror in his cabin, gloating over his tan and the smooth flow of muscle under his hairless skin. Now that he’d seen another to compare it to, he was impressed by his cock. Wondering if Rico would ever want to take it in his mouth made it lengthen and a little encouragement from his hand and the towel made it rigid. He swayed his hips, studying it. As pure form, he found it spellbinding—long and straight, the convoluted head suggestive of plant life, with an indefinably imperious lift unlike anything else he knew in nature. The more he studied it, the more conspicuous it appeared to be, more worthy of Rico’s attention.

  He dropped to the bunk and stretched out and caressed himself idly where he wished Rico would caress him. Although his mind shied away from the word, he knew that the monstrous thing called homosexuality was a threat he must beware. He wasn’t a homosexual and could never become one, but apparently it happened to some people. Things he had thought and felt last night—this morning—might be deeply troubling if it hadn’t happened with Rico. Finding a substitute for girls wasn’t homosexuality. Rico would probably kill him if he suggested there was anything homosexual about it. If he could be transported to an exalted level of pure emotion and selfless adoration by acts that he had been taught to think of as abhorrent, he couldn’t accept anything as truth without testing and re-examining it for himself.

  Most people didn’t really know very much. There was so much to learn. He had discovered that with his painting. For the immediate future, he had to learn how to make his friend so happy with what they had found with each other that he would forget any limits that two boys might ordinarily impose on themselves. He thought of Rico’s “nice present.” He must find a reason for asking his mother for money.

  He sprang up as his erection subsided. It was time to go out and discover how he would actually function now that he had acquired a whole new self. As a start, he could dispense with his confining trunks. He hitched a towel around his waist. His cock felt good swinging about freely as he headed to the aft companionway. Rico could get at it easily if he should suddenly take an interest in it. He found his mother writing a letter in the saloon and paused to greet her. She looked up serenely, her eyes gentle with love.

  “How enchanting you’re looking, my beloved. That tan is heavenly. Are you just getting up? What a lazybones. It’s almost lunchtime.”

  “Mercy. How decadent. I suddenly felt like sleeping my life away. Did I miss anything? Any sign of Greece?”

  “Angelino says we’ll sight land in the morning. We should be in by midday. It’s really quite exciting, sailing all the way to Greece. I don’t see how they know where we are in all this water. Your father thinks he’s Odysseus.”

  “I hope he has a better sense of direction. I wouldn’t want to be out here for the next forty years or whatever it was. He’s a great one for battling the elements. We’re going to have to arrange for things to go wrong at home every now and then—power failures, water shortages—something for him to cope with now that he hasn’t got his grapes.”

  “That’s very perceptive of you, my darling. Heaven forbid that we should simply relax into the lap of luxury.” They laughed at the head of the family.

  “We’ll have to tip the crew, won’t we, Mum?” Robbie asked.

  “I think that’s the usual thing.”

  “I thought it would be nice if I give Rico his. We’ve become good friends. It would make it more personal.”

  “That’s very thoughtful of you, darling.”

  “Do you have any money? If I give it to him now, he’d be able to have some fun ashore. I’m sure he has a girl in every port.”

  “What an odd life a boy like that must lead. I have some leftover lire. About fifty dollars, I think. Is that too much?”

  “We’d better ask somebody but that sounds all right for now. Maybe we should give him more at the end.”

  “It’s very sweet of you, darling.” She was surprised by his thought. Over the last few days she had noticed a change in him that seemed to be growing more pronounced. He was more open, more easygoing, more—“ordinary” was the word that came unexpectedly to her mind. She loved his aloof, superior manner. It kept people at their distance. Was he going to turn into just another amiable boy, popular and easily absorbed into the herd? With the customary pang, she thought of girls. She hoped his sailor friend wouldn’t try to include him in all his escapades.

  “I think I’ll go above and take a turn around the deck before lunch,” he said in mockingly hearty nautical style.

  “You’re too absurd.” She trilled youthful laughter and gathered up her writing things. “I’d better let Beppo set the table for lunch.”

  Robbie let her precede him up the companionway. He had made another major discovery during the brief conversation. He was safe. If he had suggested making a gift to a girl he would have had to put up with jocular innuendo from his father, reproachful warnings from his mother. He could suggest giving money to a boy without sacrificing his privacy. Whatever took place between them, there were certain things that people didn’t mention or even think about. He was free to be himself. Everybody didn’t have to be silly about girls. What about bachelors? He could ask his mother for money again and give Rico lots of presents. His friend would be pleased.

  His father was sitting at the wheel behind the binnacle where Rico had been last night. Robbie blushed and his eyes slid past him as they exchanged the usual pleasantries. He caught sight of Rico forward, bent over one of his ceaseless chores. He gave his towel a hitch for security and stepped up onto the narrow deck. Rico looked up as he approached.

  “Hey, Robbie. What you do? Why you no come see me?” His smile was merry and his eyes full of familiar admiration. He radiated health and wholesome high spirits. There was no shadow of shame between them. They loved each other. He dropped down beside him.

  “I just woke up.”

  “We have big night.” Rico’s teeth flashed with his laughter and he winked. “You like? You want again?”

  “God, yes.” Rico had a big needle in his hand and was repairing a sail. They sat side by side on the deck, facing in opposite directions, their thighs touching. The freedom of Robbie’s cock permitted it to swell deliciously at the contact. They were out of sight of the cockpit. “I just asked my mother for some money. I’ll have a present for you.”

  “You get?” Rico beamed with pleasure. Robbie soared giddily; it made him almost burst with happiness to see his friend happy. “You good friend. Nice present?”

  “Fifty dollars.”

  Rico’s eyes sparkled with cupidity “Very fine. You very good friend. I give you kiss for that.” He slipped a hand under Robbie’s towel and ran it along his thigh. Robbie’s cock leaped up when the work-roughened hand reached it and moved on it with playful familiarity.

  Rico didn’t seem to find it particularly exciting but he was getting more interested in it. His hand was really feeling it for the first time. “You plenty big, Robbie. You crazy notta want girls. You change, I bet.”

  “There’s nothing to change. You’re the one who says I don’t want girls. I just don’t think about them.”

  Rico chuckled. “You get big hard cock when you think about me.” He moved his hand along it, exerting small pressures. When he reached the end, Robbie was shaken by a little shudder.

  “My God, Rico. You’re going to make me come.”

  “Sure. You suck me. We come together. Nice. Hurry.” He pushed the sail aside and scrambled to the hatch. Robbie followed, trying to keep his erection under cover. He dropped down into Rico’s arms where he was content to remain but Rico hustled him along the passage to his cabin. Robbie tossed his towel onto the bunk. Already he found it natural to be naked with his friend. His erection lifted shamelessly toward Rico as he stripped. They loved each other. They liked to be naked together. Rico reached for him and ran his hands over him down to his buttocks and pulled him in against him. Their bodies moved against each other, their joined erections prodding them into closer union. Rico chuckled.

  “You got skin like a girl. Beautiful.” Their mouths met. Staggeringly, Rico darted his tongue out along his lips. Robbie’s heart almost stopped. Was that the way to kiss? The caress of hands on him and the tongue against his lips overcame him. He dropped back onto the bunk and grabbed for the towel and was shaken by orgasm.

  Rico stood over him and laughed. “I make you come quick. You do me now.”