“Oh no. We’re not doing this. No regrets, darling. The past is in the past, and what matters is that you’re here now and you’ve found each other again,” Harley says, looking like she might know a thing or two about what’s she’s saying. “Laney, I don’t think you get it. The boy can’t stop talking about you. He drove Tyson and me nuts. Not that we don’t love hearing about you,” she clarifies, “because we do. But seriously, for like two hours it was Laney this and Laney that.”

  If a soul could smile, then I think that mine just did. It not only smiled, but it sighed and it laughed. Knowing that I’m making Levi happy again makes my soul happy. “Thank you,” I whisper. “I needed to hear that. I see the happiness in him and the change from when I first got home, but it’s nice hearing the words.”

  “That’s because men are stupid,” she says, puckering her lips. I laugh at her and she smiles. “It’s true. They just have no idea about anything, and that’s why we girls have to stick together. So trust me. When you do find the right time to tell him, which should probably be sooner rather than later, he’s not going to be mad. Sure, he might be upset that you didn’t tell him sooner, but that’s something he has to get over. This is your life, Laney. It’s your journey and I can tell that it’s been a rough one, and you still have so far to go.”

  “I know,” I sigh, leaning back in my seat.

  “I read your chart because you’re my patient today,” she says with a hesitant look, “but I’d love to hear it from you. Will you tell me about it?”

  “There isn’t much to tell. I was taking a shower, found a lump, and within the blink of an eye, I was having a mammogram and then an ultrasound followed by a biopsy. Honestly, I don’t really remember the visit where the doctor told me it was malignant. By that point, I was numb. It was like my mind had just shut down in an attempt to preserve my sanity. But I’m lucky enough to have a really great friend who stepped up and took notes and made sure I was where I needed to be. I decided to have the whole breast removed rather than just the lump, and now here I am”—I frown, looking at the tubes and wires that are attached to me—“getting chemo every other week in hopes that if there is any cancer left after the surgery, this will kill it off.”

  “Wow,” she says, eyes wide. “You just seem so strong and unaffected by it all. When I saw you at Flame, and then again at the Senior Center, you appeared to be full of so much fire and life, and right now you look really great too. What’s your secret?”

  “Trust me,” I laugh mirthlessly, “I am far from unaffected. I hate this. I just choose to deal with it privately. Sometimes I feel like if I can look like I’m holding it together, then it will make it easier for everyone around me.” A lump forms in the back of my throat and the tears I pushed away just moments ago are starting to reappear. “But it’s hard. It’s so hard. There are days that I don’t even want to move, and I’m not sure if it’s because my body is worn out or because I’m depressed. And that . . . that’s a whole other ball game.”

  “What do you mean?” The machine attached to my IV beeps, and Harley stands up and messes with a few knobs and buttons, making the machine quiet back down.

  “I’m so happy right now with Levi, and when I’m with him, I’m able to forget all of this.” I lift the tubing attached to my arm. “But when I’m by myself, my mind takes control and it starts running in a thousand different directions, most of which aren’t good.”

  “I’m so sorry, Laney,” Harley says and exhales deeply. “I hate this for you. No one should have to go through it. For what it’s worth, you should tell Levi. Especially if you plan to keep seeing him. He wouldn’t want you to go through this alone.”

  “But that’s the thing. I don’t want him to do it out of pity.” I rub my hands over my face. “I want him with me because he wants to be with me. Not because he feels bad for me or thinks I might d—”

  “Don’t! Don’t say it. That is not going to happen, and I don’t even want to hear it come out of your mouth. Plus, he’s already with you and he doesn’t know. So when he does find out, I swear to you that he’s going to want to support you one hundred percent.”

  “I’ll tell him. I promise.”

  “Good,” Harley says, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. “And although I hate that we’re getting to know each other under these circumstances, I’m really glad we got the chance to talk.” She rises from the chair. “So, my lunch break is over. I got pulled down here because someone left sick, so hello”—she reaches out her hand playfully to me—“my name is Harley, and I’m going to be your nurse for the rest of the day.”

  I shake her hand firmly and we both laugh. “It’s been a pleasure meeting you, Harley. I’ll be your patient for the day, and don’t mind me . . . I’m not going anywhere for the next couple of hours.”

  “Hey,” she says, dropping my hand. “Do you have someone here with you? A family member or friend? I can go get them for you, if you want.”

  “Nope. Today it’s just me.”

  “Okay, well now you have me.” She smiles and I smile back, knowing deep down inside of me that she really means that.

  “HOW WAS YOUR DAY?” Levi steps up to my back, nuzzling his face into my neck. I’m sure he would wrap his arms around me if he could, but the burning stove and scalding hot pan in front of me might be a bit of an issue right now.

  “Good,” I laugh, scrunching up my shoulders because the scruff on his jaw is tickling me. “Now go. Stop harassing me. I’m trying to work here.”

  “No way.” His soft lips pepper kisses up and down the length of my neck, and he stops to suck on the soft spot just below my ear. “It turns me on to watch you cook.”

  “It does?” I spin in his arms, spoon held high, and smack a kiss right on his mouth. “Then I should cook for you more often.” He nods his head in agreement and brings his mouth back down on mine. As much as I love Levi’s kisses, I don’t have time right now—I need to finish this food. I pull away from him, nipping his bottom lip as I do, and he growls in response. Then I twirl back around to check the pasta.

  “Is it ready?” he asks, peering over my shoulder.

  “Yup. Would you mind getting some plates out?” Tonight we are at Levi’s house, and it was my first time seeing it. I was pleasantly surprised that he didn’t live in some bachelor pad condo, although he told me he used to but recently sold it. He lives in a ranch-style brick home on the outskirts of town and it’s stunningly beautiful. The entire living room is nothing but ceiling to floor windows. What little wall is visible, is painted a bold red, which offsets the light oak hardwood floors perfectly.

  And let’s not forget about this kitchen. It’s a chef’s dream, and I practically drooled the second I walked in here. Black granite countertops practically go on for miles and there’s more room to move than I’ve ever had in a kitchen of my own. So, of course, I had to cook here.

  “Not at all,” he says against my temple, kissing it softly before moving to get the plates and silverware. I made chicken alfredo, mostly because I know how much Levi loves it, but also because it’s super easy to make and the quicker we eat, the quicker I can tell him. Harley’s words have stuck with me this past week, but every time I opened my mouth to tell him, I froze. Well, not tonight. Nope, tonight, come hell or high water, I am telling him. My palms start to sweat just thinking about it, but I know it has to be done.

  I drop the alfredo into a serving dish, then walk it over to the table and take a seat. Levi surprises me when he plops into a chair right next to me rather than across from me, and I give him a curious glance. “What?” He scoops out a helping for himself and then fills my plate as well. “This way I can touch you if I want.”

  “Okay.” I smile around my mouthful of pasta, loving when he drops his hand to my thigh. We spend the next half-hour eating and laughing, sharing stories about our day, and throughout the entire time, Levi’s hand stays locked on my leg. It’s possessive and extremely sexy, and every time he moves a finger or swipes his thumb, I want to just say screw dinner so I can maul him.

  After he’s cleared his plate and I’ve eaten as much as my stomach could tolerate, I stand up and head toward the sink with our dishes. Setting them down gently, I turn on the hot water.

  “The dishes can wait.” Levi flicks the water off and turns me in his arms. “I’ve got other things I’d like to do first.”

  “Oh yeah?” He kisses my nose and I giggle when his fingers skim up my sides until they rest at the base of my neck, where he gently holds onto me and brings my face to his.

  “Yes, and they don’t involve dishes.” His mouth fuses with mine and his hands slide down my shoulders, stopping to play with my bra strap that is peeking out from under my shirt. He slowly starts to tug, moving the strap and shirt out of the way, exposing more of my shoulder. That’s when my brain kicks in.

  “Wait, Levi. Please wait.” His fingers stop, but he doesn’t move; he just pulls back enough to look me in the eye.

  “Is everything okay?” Well, if that’s not a loaded question, I don’t know what is. I push gently on his chest and he steps back, his head cocked to the side. My eyes dart to the floor and I suck my bottom lip into my mouth as I try to figure out the best way to say this. I’ve practiced these words hundreds of times, but funny how right now they are nowhere to be found. My legs feel restless, so I brush past Levi and walk into the living room. His feet pad behind me on the floor and when I stop, he stops. “Laney, what’s going on?”

  Every worst-case scenario starts flashing through my head, especially the one where Levi gets upset that I didn’t tell him sooner and walks out on me. I’m just not sure I’ll survive that.

  I take a ragged breath and meet his gaze. He runs a hand along the back of his neck and cocks an eyebrow. “Okay . . .” I rub my hands down my thighs as I move over to the couch. “I think you should sit down for this.”

  “I don’t want to sit down.”

  “Okay, well, I would like for you to sit down because I’m already nervous and you pacing around me isn’t going to make things better.” He growls in frustration and tosses himself onto the couch.

  “Just tell me what’s going on, Laney.” He props his elbows on his knees, his hands fisted between his legs. His eyes are watching me intently, and he’s no doubt trying to figure out exactly what I’m about to say. I’d bet anything that every last guess he has is so far off the mark it isn’t even funny.

  “I, uh . . . wow.” I rub my hands down the front of my face. “This isn’t easy. I didn’t think it would be, but it’s even harder than I thought. So—”

  “You know what? Forget it. I can’t believe I let myself do this again.” Levi pushes up from the couch and paces around the coffee table.

  “What?” I stammer, not sure what he’s talking about.

  “This. Us.” He waves a hand between us and then rubs his hands down the front of his pants. “I knew this would happen. I knew you’d find a way to fuck it up again, but I convinced myself that you were different . . . that you wouldn’t hurt me again.”

  “Levi, no—” I shake my head firmly, tears burning the back of my eyes. How could he think that?

  “Then what is it, Laney?” he yells, his hands out to his sides. “What do you have to tell me, and why is it so damn hard for you spit the words out?”

  “I have cancer!” I blurt, plastering a shaky hand across my mouth as soon as the words are out. Adrenaline is pumping through my veins and my entire body is trembling. Tears start slipping from my eyes, but I can’t move. My body is completely numb as I wait for him to say something.

  Levi’s mouth falls open and a cold knot forms in my stomach. “What?” he gasps. “What did you say?” He isn’t moving either. He’s just standing there staring at me like I just told him pigs fly.

  Very slowly, I let my hand fall. “I have breast cancer,” I whisper, my voice cracking on that hideous word.

  “Laney.” My name falls from his mouth in a desperate plea, and in three strides he’s standing in front of me, gathering me in his arms. A strangled cry rips from my throat and I wrap my arms around him. My fingers curl inward, gripping the back of his shirt tightly in my fists. My body heaves on a deep sob as I finally let myself grieve in front of someone else. My tears are blinding, falling from my eyes in waves, but I don’t make a move to wipe them. I need to let them fall. I need to rid them from my body.

  Levi nuzzles his face in the side of my neck and whispers sweet words to try and comfort me.

  It’s going to be okay.

  We’ll get through this together.

  You’re not alone.

  I can’t lose you.

  I’m not sure how long we stood in that embrace, and I don’t remember how or when we moved to the couch, but when I look up, I’m cradled in his lap and he has a death grip on my body.

  “I—I don’t want t-to die, Levi,” I hiccup, my face buried in his chest. “I’m not r-ready.”

  “Shhh . . .” His strong hand is soothingly stroking up and down my back in a hypnotizing rhythm. “You’re not going anywhere, Lane. I won’t let you. I’ll hold onto you and I’ll never let go.”

  “But that’s the thing—” I pull back frantically, tilting my tear-streaked face up to his. “You d-don’t know th-that. What if the s-surgery didn’t work? What if the ch-chemo doesn’t work?”

  “Surgery?” His face falls and his voice is desperate. “What kind of surgery did you have, Lane?”

  “Mastectomy.”

  “So that means they removed the whole breast?” he clarifies. I nod and look down. “How long have you been getting chemotherapy?”

  My head snaps up, my eyes pleading with him not to be mad at me. “It’s why I’m off every other Friday.” My tears start to slow but my breathing picks up pace, along with my heart as I wait for his reaction.

  “This whole time . . .” He breaks eye contact and looks off to the side. “This whole time that’s where you’ve been going, and I didn’t even know. I would’ve been there with you, Laney.” His eyes find mine again. Sadness and frustration are warring for a spot on his beautiful face, and I curl myself into his chest.

  “I should have told you—I know I should have told you—but I wanted you to pick me again for the right reasons.” I watch as regret, defeat, sadness, and pain flash across his face. I wait to see anger and disgust, but they never come.

  “The fatigue—”

  “Chemo,” I mumble.

  “You’ve lost weight and you haven’t been hungry.” He isn’t asking a question. He already knows.

  “And nausea—”

  “Because of the chemo,” he says dryly, finishing my sentence. I nod feebly. Levi slips his arm under my legs and lifts me from his lap. With gentle ease, he places me on the couch and then stands up.

  “I, uh . . .” He spares me a quick glance and then looks away. “I need a minute.” He walks out of the living room and into the kitchen. I hear the faint sound of a door opening and shutting, the noise signaling the exact moment when my heart breaks into a million little pieces.

  He left me.

  Bending my knees, I pull my legs to my chest, my arms clutching at them for dear life. I can’t believe this happening. I’m numb. Completely numb. Levi was the reason I was fighting. He was the one thing I wanted if I survived . . . and I just lost him.

  MY HANDS CURL INTO my hair and I tug forcefully, desperately needing to feel something other than this sharp pain that is stabbing through the left side of my chest. I tilt my face up to the sky, blinking several times, but it doesn’t help because a tear still floats carelessly down the side of my face. And then another and another. I brush them away angrily, but they just keep coming. A guttural moan tears from my throat as I let the weight of her words settle inside of me.

  Cancer.

  Laney has cancer. My Laney has cancer.

  This can’t be happening. She can’t come back to me and then be ripped out of my arms—the world wouldn’t be so cruel, would it? Anger seeps through my veins, slowly taking over the sadness and grief that I was feeling just moments ago. Anger at God for letting this happen to such a wonderful person . . . my wonderful person. Anger at Laney for not telling me sooner so that I could be there for her, because—damn it—I want to be there for her. And anger at myself for not asking more questions. Not once did I bother to ask what she was doing on those Fridays off. I didn’t push for more answers when she was always yawning or falling asleep in the middle of a conversation. Her pale face and dark circles were unmistakable, but I was so wrapped up in our new little world that I didn’t even bother to try and figure out what was going on.

  I sit on the ground, leaning against the side of my house. The bricks are still hot from the midday sun, but I don’t move because I feel numb. I’m at a loss for where to go from here. But I guess, in all honesty, there isn’t really a choice. Laney has to have this chemo. She has to fight for her life, and I’m going to be there with her every step of the way. There’s no way I’m letting her go now, and I can’t lose her. I just can’t. She deserves to have someone fight this battle with her, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

  And then it hits me like a ton of bricks—I’m not in there with her now. She just dumped a load of information and insecurities in my lap, leaving herself open and vulnerable, and I just left her there in my living room¸ crying. I’m a fucking dick.

  Pushing up from the ground, I stalk back into the house, determined to show her how much she means to me. I want her to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that her scars don’t scare me and that I want her, just the way she is.

  Laney is exactly where I left her, only now she’s curled into a ball and her shoulders are bobbing as she cries into her arms. Wasting no time, I walk over to her and scoop her into my arms. Her head snaps up and I inwardly cringe at her wide eyes—fuck me, she’s shocked I actually came back.