“It does.” He pauses for several beats and then takes a deep breath. “How did you find it . . . the cancer?”

  “I was taking a shower, washing my body, and there it was. It felt like a rock under my skin, and I freaked out because I remembered my dad telling me that when mom found her cancer, she’d said the same thing.” I squeeze my eyes shut and push out the rest of the story. “I called the doctor and within the hour I was at the hospital having an ultrasound and mammogram. I remember sitting in that cold room all by myself—”

  “Mia wasn’t with you?” he asks.

  “Nope.” I shake my head. Then I spend the next hour telling him every little detail about my diagnosis, all my options and everything leading up to the surgery.

  “Why did you choose the mastectomy over the lumpectomy?”

  “I wanted it gone. I was so scared, and all I could think about was getting whatever was growing inside of me out. So I had the surgery, went through six weeks of recovery, and moved home.”

  “Are you scared now?” he asks. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him to ask me that. Hell, it’s not easy for me to answer that, but I’ll try. Because keeping anything at all from him, even my fears, is no longer an option. When it comes to Levi Beckford, I am an open book.

  “Terrified.” His arm tightens around my shoulders and his chin drops to the top of my head. “I’m terrified of what I might miss out on.”

  “Does it hurt?” he asks softly.

  “The cancer?”

  “No . . . yes. I don’t know. The chemo, your scar—all of it. Are you in pain?” I love that he’s asking these questions because it shows me that he cares.

  “No, no pain. There are certainly other things going on with me, but right now pain isn’t one of them.”

  “Will you tell me about it?”

  “It’s weird,” I start off, trying to put my feelings into words. “There are days when the cancer is all I think about. It consumes me to the point of exhaustion, and I feel like I’m going to go insane from worry. And then there are days when I’m able to forget and my life seems completely normal.”

  “When it consumes you—what’s that like?” Levi’s hand is tracing circles on my arm, but when he asks the question, his fingers stop.

  “Keep doing that—with your fingers,” I demand, wriggling my arm. He chuckles and starts tracing again. “I just get a jumbled mess of thoughts that I can’t seem to work through, and I’m constantly battling to stay strong and not feel sorry for myself. A lot of times I find myself thinking about things I want to do before I die . . . just in case.”

  “Your bucket list.”

  “Yes,” I nod. “But more than anything, it scares me to think that at any given time I could be gone from this world—forever—and never be able to come back. I’ll never get to hug Mia again or fight with Luke and Benny or make love to you. Essentially, I would be like a face in the background of a forgotten photo. A blip on the radar. And that scares the hell out of me.” My voice gets scratchier with each word and tears well up in my eyes. “I’ve never said that out loud to someone before. It’s much harder to say than it is to think.” Tears drip from my eyes, landing on Levi’s chest, and he wipes them away tenderly. Then he pulls me up his body so we’re face to face.

  “I didn’t mean to upset you, Lane. I just need to know what we’re up against.”

  “What we’re up against?” I clarify. Levi brushes his nose against mine and then kisses me softly.

  “Yes, we. Us. Me and you,” he mumbles, his lips brushing over mine with each word. “You’re not doing this alone, not any of it. Absolutely everything you go through, I will go through with you.” My heart flops over in my chest as I soak in his words.

  “That’s a lot, and I would never ask you to do that.”

  “That’s the thing, you don’t have to ask me. Because that’s just what you do when you care about someone.” Levi’s thumb runs a slow path across my bottom lip before brushing my bangs out of my eyes. “I couldn’t imagine not doing this with you.”

  “I’ll warn you, it’s not pretty. There are days when I get so depressed just thinking about things that I can barely get out of bed. And eating? Not happenin.’”

  “That’s why you didn’t eat much when I took you on the picnic.”

  “That night it was the nausea. But my appetite, in general, is fading. I’m just not hungry, and most of the time when I do eat, it’s so that you, Luke and Benny don’t ask questions.”

  “I won’t push you to eat, baby, but you have to keep yourself fed so that you can stay strong and fight this,” he says with conviction. “I’ll start cooking for you.”

  “I’d love for you to cook for me.” I kiss him gently and smile. “I just don’t want you to get your feelings hurt if I don’t eat much.”

  He purses his lips and nods, his eyes searching mine. “Stay with me tonight.” That’s Levi . . . never one to ask, only tell.

  “I was already planning on it.” I slink down on the bed and wrap my naked body around his, and it’s the single best feeling in the world.

  As it turns out, Levi makes one hell of a pillow. I don’t think I’ve ever fallen asleep as quickly as I did last night. Unfortunately, as per usual lately, I woke up way before I wanted to, so I’ve spent the past several hours watching Levi sleep. I can’t count the number of times I’ve wanted to touch him or kiss him, but he just looks so peaceful and I’ve missed being with him like this. Awake or asleep, he has a calm presence that somehow soothes my soul.

  My bladder finally forces me to sneak out of bed and pad down the hall to the bathroom. I glance around the room as I take care of business, noticing that somehow my clothes made their way from being strewn across Levi’s bedroom to being folded and stacked neatly on the bathroom counter. I smile, wondering when he did this.

  Right before I jump in the shower, I spot a clock on the wall. It’s only eight a.m. and I recall Levi saying he doesn’t have to be up at any certain time today. As I wash up, I think about what I’ll make him for breakfast and I find myself smiling again.

  In and out quickly, I grab a towel from the bathroom pantry to pat myself dry. I slip on my shorts from yesterday, hating that I don’t have a clean change of clothes and forgoing underwear altogether, and I walk back into Levi’s room to rummage through his closet. Grabbing the first t-shirt I find, I pull it over my head and return to the bathroom. I rinse my mouth out with some mouthwash and then run my fingers through my hair.

  I’m standing in front of the mirror when it happens. A chunk of hair is tangled around my fingers, and the sight of it makes my stomach drop. Panic sets in and I reach up, running another hand through my hair, only to come up with more chunks. “No, no no no,” I whisper, frantically pulling the stray hairs from my hands. “This isn’t happening. It’s too soon.” I shake my head furiously and, without warning, tears start falling down my face. My hand comes to mouth and I hold back a sob.

  I can’t do this here; I need to be at home. I want to be at home. All the articles and pamphlets in the world can’t prepare you for what it’s like to actually lose your hair. They can tell you it’s going to happen and when it’s going to happen, but in the grand scheme of things, there’s no way to prepare for the way it rips you apart.

  I tiptoe quietly into Levi’s room, dig an old receipt out of my purse and scribble a quick note to him.

  I lay the note on the pillow next to him so he won’t miss it, then walk out of his bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind me. I’m barely holding on by a thread, and I just need to be alone right now.

  I DON’T REMEMBER THE drive home or walking in the house, and I certainly don’t remember how I ended up standing in my bathroom in front of the mirror with a pair of clippers. But here I am, staring at my reflection, daring myself to get it over with.

  I look like hell. My eyes have dark circles under them and my cheekbones are prominent, a product of the weight I’ve slowly been losing. I rub a chunk of hair between my fingers and watch as several loose strands fall to the floor. Who in their right mind would find this attractive?

  My lip quivers, followed by my chin, and I squeeze my eyes shut, vowing that I can do this. Not that there are many options. I could let my hair fall out slowly, but that’s not how I want this to happen. My plan was to do this gracefully, and I had always told myself that when my hair started to fall out, I’d simply shave it. Well, I’d been fooling myself because that is much easier said than done.

  I don’t want to lose my hair.

  I don’t want to be bald.

  “Fuck,” I cry, throwing the clippers on the counter. I sink to the floor, a pile of loose limbs and tears. A deep sob rips from my throat and I bury my face in my hands. My mind is racing, battling itself at every turn, one minute telling me to stay strong, and the next telling me to let it all out. My cheeks are flushed and my body starts trembling as self-pity washes through me. My sobs turn into gasps as my lungs fight against the screams that have been clawing to get out.

  This isn’t fair. This isn’t fair. This isn’t fair.

  Those three words cycle in my head over and over again, until I get so fed up with my own damn brain that I grip my hair in my fists and pull . . . hard. I growl, pushing up from the floor. A chunk of hair falls from my hand and I look down to see dozens of strands scattered across the tile floor. I’m yanking on my hair and reminding myself how unfair life is when the doorknob to my bathroom starts rattling. I stop dead in my tracks, hands in hair, eyes red and puffy, hot tears streaking down my cheeks, and I stare at the wood, waiting to see what’s going to happen.

  “Open the door, Laney.” I sigh in relief when I hear Benny’s voice through the door instead of Luke’s. My little brother doesn’t need to see this. No one needs to see this.

  “Go away, Benny.” My hands drop from my hair and I turn around, propping them up on the sink. My head dips low and I draw in a ragged breath.

  “Laney Jacobs.” My head snaps up at Levi’s firm voice. “You have three seconds to open this goddamn door or I will kick the fucker down.” I close my swollen eyes and wipe angrily at the tears that are still racing down my face. “One . . .”

  I look up at the door, then at the mess on the floor. I don’t want them to see me break down. I don’t want them to see me like this.

  I drop to the toilet seat. “Levi, please—”

  “Two,” he yells. His strong voice sends shivers down my spine. Damn him, and damn Benny because I’m sure he had something to do with Levi showing up at my house only minutes after I left his. Well, let them kick the stupid door in; it’ll be their problem to fix, not mine. Although this is my only bathroom and I’d prefer not to be without a door.

  I can hear faint whispering, but I can’t make out what they’re saying. “Three.” My eyes pinch shut and I tense up, waiting for the door to fly open. Several seconds pass and I chance a peek to find that the door is now wide open and there are two brooding men standing in front of me. “Turns out, I just needed a coin.” Levi holds up said penny and shrugs. Stupid child lock doors.

  Benny pushes past Levi. “Your boyfriend is a fucking Neanderthal.” He squats down in front of me and takes in our surroundings before his eyes fly to mine. His face is awash with kindness and compassion, but I’m still too raw and I can’t do this right now.

  I shove myself off the toilet seat, brushing past Benny and Levi, taking extra precaution not to touch either one of them or look them in the eye. If I do, I’m afraid of what I’ll find, and I’m not ready to see pity. I can hear two sets of feet bound after me. They’re not going to stop . . . and if I’m being honest, I don’t want them to. I keep trying to remind myself that they love me and they’re worried about me, so I leave my door open when I walk in my room, silently inviting them in. Even facing the other direction, I know they’re both standing there because their presence in a room is demanding. Not to mention, the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up, and that’s usually a good indicator that Levi is within close proximity.

  I spin around to face them at the same time my front door opens and then slams shut. “Laney?!” Luke comes barreling down the hall, pushes past Benny and Levi, and doesn’t stop until he’s toe to toe with me. His golden eyes bounce around my body, and I can tell the moment that he notices my hair. “Oh, Laney.” He yanks me into his arms, and for several seconds I just stand there, unable to move. Then something inside of me crumbles, and I wrap my arms around my brother.

  “I’m losing my hair, Luke,” I cry, squishing my face into his chest. “I don’t want to lose my hair. This isn’t fair. I don’t want to be bald and I don’t want to wear a wig, and I don’t want people to stare at me and wonder what’s wrong. I just want to be normal and have hair and boobs. Is that too much to ask for?” I sniff. “Hair and boobs. That’s all I need.” The words sound funny when I say them aloud, and I choke back a laugh because it just doesn’t seem appropriate to go from bawling like a baby to cracking up in a matter of seconds.

  “Your hair will grow back, Lane.” I can’t see Benny because I still have my face buried in Luke’s shirt, but his voice is laced with sympathy.

  “Plus, you still have one breast, and it’s a really great breast.” My head snaps up and I stare at Levi in horror, shocked that he would say that in front of Luke and Benny. “What? It’s true.” I keep staring and he keeps shoving his foot further and further into his mouth. “I don’t care if you only have one breast. You could have no breasts and I’d still find you insanely attractive. It would be a little bit harder to get you off—”

  “Stop.” Luke’s voice booms through air. Still clutching me tightly in his arms, he spins around and glares at Levi. “I do not need to know about my sister’s breasts. Please, for the love of God, don’t ever talk about her boobs or lack thereof again if it in any way pertains to anything unrelated to her cancer. There is only so much a brother can handle, and that’s just pushing the limits.”

  We all stand in stunned silence for a solid minute before Benny and Levi start to bust up laughing. Levi’s head falls back and a deep throaty laugh erupts from his mouth that does nothing but send tingly sensations to all my fun parts. Benny slaps Levi on the back and they do one of those weird man-hug things.

  “So . . .” Luke says, stepping away from me. “You and Levi, huh?”

  “Yup.”

  “You never told me.” He looks hurt, and I instantly regret not sharing that with my brother. He’s been busy with work but we text or talk nearly every day, and I should’ve told him.

  “I’m sorry, Luke. Things have just been crazy, and it all sort of happened really fast.”

  “It’s okay. Just tell him not to talk about your boobs in front of me again, okay?”

  “You got it.” I giggle, amazed at how quickly these three wonderful men were able to make me feel better.

  “So . . .” Benny eyes me up and down, hands on hips. “Your hair looks like it could use a cut.” Levi smacks him upside the back of the head and walks over to me. He wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me into his side.

  “You’re right,” I say, pursing my lips, preparing myself for my next words. “I think it’s time to shave my head.” I haven’t looked in a mirror, but I’m sure my little tirade in the bathroom did nothing but make me look like a cat with mange.

  “Only when you’re ready, baby.” Levi kisses the side of my head and my brother rolls his eyes.

  “So how did you guys all end up here, anyway?” I ask, shooting Benny an accusatory glance.

  He raises his hands innocently, but before I can call him out on it, Luke speaks up. “Benny called me,” he confesses.

  “What the fuck, dude?” Levi shoots Benny a glare. “You called him and not me?”

  “Wait . . . who called you?” I ask Levi.

  “No one. I woke up and you were gone—”

  “Wait a second,” Luke interjects. “Woke up? Are you sleeping over there?”

  “Butt out, Luke,” I say, keeping an eye on Levi. “Keep going.”

  “I got your note, but it didn’t make sense because last night you told me you didn’t have any plans until this evening.” Levi runs a hand along the back of his neck. “Then I went into the bathroom to take a piss and your hair was all over the sink. I knew something had happened so I came straight here.”

  His words melt my heart. “Thank you.” I push up on my tiptoes and kiss him. My mouth traces the seam of his lips until he grants me access, and I sink my fingers into his hair, angling my head to the side. Levi’s arms wrap around my back and he picks me up, my legs dangling beneath me.

  “Fuck,” Luke hisses from across the room. “This shit is going to drive me crazy.” Levi laughs, breaking the kiss, and looks over my shoulder.

  “Get out, Luke. You’re cock-blocking me,” Levi quips, a wide smile gracing his gorgeous face. Luke mumbles a string of curse words and Benny laughs, pushing him out of my bedroom, leaving Levi and me alone.

  “Are you okay?” he asks, his brows dipped low. “I was really worried about you.”

  “I’m okay.” I rub my eyes with the heels of my hands and take a deep breath. “I’ll be okay. I just freaked out. I was ready for it, but I wasn’t, ya know?” Levi scoops me up and sits down on my bed, settling me in his lap.

  “So what do you want to do?”

  “I think I’m ready to shave it. I don’t want to walk around looking like this,” I say, lifting a strand of what’s left of my hair.

  “I’ve got an idea.” Levi smirks, tapping my nose. “Get into an old shirt, get the clippers and meet me in the bathroom.”

  “Okay . . .” I say skeptically, giggling when he slaps my butt on the way out the door. I have absolutely no idea what he has planned; all I know is that when my head hits the pillow tonight, I’ll be bald. Unlike earlier, I find that the thought of that doesn’t make me panicky. Maybe I just needed to have a meltdown. Maybe I just needed a good old-fashioned cry. Or maybe I just needed these three men to remind me that losing my hair isn’t the worst thing in the world. Losing my life would be, and if one of the side effects of the medicine that may save my life requires me to be bald, then I guess that’s just something I’m going to have to learn to live with.