Narrowing my eyes, I search my mind for symptoms that could have been more than me being irrationally low after Wren left.

  “Well, I’ve definitely been eating a lot more than usual,” I mutter. I thought that was just depression binging. Looking back, maybe the intensity of the hunger—straight-up ravenousness sometimes—should have been a tell. “Which is why I didn’t really find the weight gain that concerning.”

  “Aha. I see.” Doc nods, scratching at his short, gray beard while darting his eyes to the test like he’s expecting some intense chemical reaction.

  I shift on my feet with a sigh. “And constipation, I guess. Yeah, that’s been…a thing for a while. But I thought that was from eating too much of the wrong things.”

  Act like they’re not there. Act like they’re not there. Dualis be good…

  I mean, it’s not like I was ever really educated about pregnancy. I learned the same basics everyone else does. Venus might be common around here, but everything’s pretty beta-normative, and women are taught more about it than men, omega or not.

  “Sounds like pregnancy symptoms to me, son,” Coleman says as he’s pulling the strip out of the water. He shows it to me, pointing at the two pink lines.

  “Is that…?”

  “Yep. You are pregnant,” he announces with no emotional connotation to his words, just a straight-up fact. “And if we consider what your aunt told me about the conception possibly being sometime around that awful storm near the end of winter, you should be about…eleven weeks, I reckon?”

  It finally hits me. Hearing him say it. Seeing those lines.

  The world goes still and silent for a few moments before the panicked beats of my heart burst through like a tidal wave, deafening. My body feels strangely not mine, while simultaneously, as I look down at my stomach, I’m at peace with it in a way I’ve never known before.

  I sharply turn to Elmira, seeking comfort or guidance or…something. Her loving eyes study me as if she’s trying to figure out what sort of support I need.

  What do I want? What do I want to do about this?

  The silence makes my insides coil. Thankfully, the doc seems to know just what to do. He slaps his hands over his thighs, drawing my attention.

  “Which happens to be the starting time frame when you can detect the heartbeat with the Doppler. These things can be a bit tricky,” he says, already searching in one of the heavy metal drawers full of equipment for something, whatever this Doppler is, “but I’ve had plenty of practice, so I should be able to find a heartbeat for ya, if…that’s what you want?” He pauses, staring at me with a small handheld device already in hand.

  He’s asking me if I want to go further with this.

  It is the same question that’s been hanging over me since Elmira realized.

  The Church of Divine Dualis Sovereign has a clear stance on abortion. It’s not to be done. It is against the wishes of the gods, who made us with the intended purpose of reproducing and purifying the human race. Of course, that’s the view of the most staunch believers, not the majority of venusfolk who believe in the Dualis…

  My family was never particularly religious, not in such a devoted way, and neither is Doc Coleman, from what I know. While some of the more orthodox families living on the mountain might not like it, he’s been known to help others end unwanted pregnancies—whatever the reason—for years.

  Auntie Elmira and I stay locked in intense, charged eye contact that feels impossible to break as we’re silently considering all the implications.

  “What would be our options?” Hunter speaks up, his voice unsteady but tender.

  “His options,” Doc says, making it clear it’s absolutely up to me, which makes my heart skip, “would be to go through with it or not. It is quite simple.”

  “Simple, huh?” I murmur.

  He offers me an understanding look. “From experience, the first thing that comes to mind is usually the right choice for you. Was your initial thought that you had to terminate? Then that’s probably the best. The power to end a life before it truly comes to be is only in the hands of the one who gives it. It is your right, no matter what anyone says. Even if it wasn’t, it’s still a monumental decision, but you likely feel a certain way about it already, and I’d advise you to follow that instinct.”

  Coleman makes sense. He’s concise and clear about it. He doesn’t speak in those weird, philosophical riddles like others often do. That shit always confuses me. This soothes me.

  People like him make things easier, no matter how monumental the decision.

  I glance at Auntie Elmira, who now looks as if she’s searching her own heart and mind for something. My chest constricts with sympathy for her. She could never have children. Had to choose to either have her reproductive organs removed or risk the high possibility of getting the same cancer Momma had.

  She got it anyway, but she probably would’ve died a long time ago if she hadn’t taken the safe route of going through with that operation.

  I never asked her about it in depth. About how it’s made her feel and how she’s dealt with it. Maybe I should’ve. With every passing second, I’m seeing more and more things I should’ve thought about and paid attention to before now, and it makes me nauseous. Overwhelmed. It makes me feel like a foolish child completely unequipped for any of this.

  Stupidly, I wish Wren were here.

  “If I were to give a suggestion…” Coleman starts gently, “How about we use the Doppler and look for the heartbeat? It might help you settle on what you want. Or you can leave and take some time to think about it. That’s fine, too.”

  “Help me settle?” I ask hesitantly, putting my hand over my stomach. Is it what I want? I think…I think it is, but I’m worried.

  “I tell people to pay attention to how they feel when I find the heartbeat. When I do, and you hear it, is your initial response excitement, joy, or discomfort and fear? My intent isn’t to sway you one way or the other. Pregnancy, especially when unexpected, is hard, even frightening. I understand. But the knee-jerk reaction being disappointment or happiness can reveal a lot, I think.”

  Flaring my nostrils with a deep inhale, I nod. I catch some of the Doc’s scent, faint and slightly tangy, like citrus fruit with a hint of brown sugar. When I turn back to Elmira and Hunter, they nod in unison, both of their faces soft with tender expressions of support.

  “Alrighty,” Coleman says. He points to the examination table on the other side of the room. “This ain’t a proper ultrasound. Don’t have space or money for that sort of thing. And honestly, people who care about that stuff go to the hospital, anyway. But this will catch a heartbeat just fine.”

  I lie down and hesitantly pull up my t-shirt.

  Gods, I really have been ignoring this, haven’t I?

  It’s not like looking at my stomach immediately says I’m pregnant, but the shape of it isn’t how it used to be when I was less fit and more chubby, either.

  I am such an idiot…

  “I’m gonna feel for your uterus before we start,” Doc says plainly and starts pressing his fingers into the middle of my stomach from down low to above my bellybutton. It feels weird, him squeezing and poking, but it doesn’t hurt.

  He hums and nods to himself before he squirts a clear liquid on my stomach and pushes my pants down a tad to get better access. He holds the main part of the machine—a bit larger than a phone—in one hand while using the other, connected by a cord. Pressing the probe in near my pubic bone, he gently glides it around, heading upwards, toward my belly button.

  The room is dead silent while he searches.

  He moves the probe with exceptional care, which makes it hard for me not to hold my breath, as he seems to. A strong, rhythmic sound comes through, but before anyone can get excited, Doc Coleman quickly speaks. “That is your pulse. Hear? Slow. That’s called gestational flow. Baby’s is gonna be much quicker. I felt something around here. It should be… Hmm, a moment.”

  I stare at the wooden ceiling, trying not to lose my mind waiting. I’m reminded of when Wren and I lay on the bed after our activities—the ones that led to this whole predicament—when I did the same thing, feeling feather-light and tranquil.

  Even without hearing the heartbeat, I guess I already know what my decision will be.

  Deep down, I’m at peace, all the while knowing this will change my life forever and most likely make it a lot less peaceful than it has been. I am…content with that.

  But what about Wren?

  That’s a completely different story. That part of this mess is what makes me really nervous.

  Everybody in the room gasps in surprise in unison when another, much quicker sound comes through the machine. It’s super hazy, but… “Is that it?” I ask, my heartbeat probably shooting up to the same speed at that moment.

  Doc smiles and nods. I glimpse Auntie Elmira covering her mouth, eyes glistening with tears.

  The sound cuts in and out, so Coleman moves the probe slightly to get it back. “Like I said, it’s finicky, especially this early,” he says, frowning to himself. “But that was a pretty clear heartbeat, and from the little I got, it sounded fine. The rhythm’s good.”

  I look up again, tightly gripping my scrunched-up shirt.

  Fuck, this is really happening.

  I need to tell Wren. How am I going to do that?! Shit…

  I screw my eyes shut tight, in an attempt to calm down. I can’t just call him. ‘Hey, so, I’m pregnant. Surprise!’ Would he be angry that I let him knot me left and right, knowing I could get pregnant? Would he believe me that it wasn’t intentional, just me being clueless? Would he think I’m trying to trap him or use him or something like that?

  “Hmm, the fetus can wiggle around sometimes, so… Let me try here,” Coleman’s words pull me out of my head. He moves the probe to the other side of my stomach and searches there after briefly pressing his fingers into my belly again. “Ah.” The rapid thuds return, though the Doc looks a little perplexed.

  That’s when I hear Elmira draw in an exaggerated breath, making me lift my shoulder blades off the table to look at her. “What?!”

  “It’s nothing, just… Well, there is quite a history of twins in our family,” she mutters. I frown in confusion. “Your Ma and I were twins. You know that.”

  “That doesn’t mean that—”

  “And you were a twin, too,” she adds in a low tone.

  I go stiff, staring at her with narrowed brows. It might be the pregnancy brain already kicking in, but I highly doubt I would’ve forgotten about a twin sibling I never had.

  Seeing my face, she hangs her head down with a sigh. Hunter gently massages her shoulder. “You… Ah, darling, this…is something your mother never shared with anyone. Only your father and I knew, but…when she carried you, there was another babe. It didn’t make it to birth. Came out underdeveloped and sickly. She always blamed herself for that, for not getting enough vitamins or having enough checkups, but it wasn’t her fault. She never wanted you to know, to…to not make you feel like you were robbed of something, I suppose.”

  I widen my eyes at her, blinking slowly. What?

  “That poor babe was never going to survive, the doctors assured her, but…”

  “Why wouldn’t she have told me?!” The familiar pain shoots through my chest—that pain that comes back every time I encounter something I want to tell Momma or Daddy, or ask them about, or that reminds me of them. The pain that serves as a reminder that I will never be able to show them, tell them, or ask them. Ever.

  Doc Coleman withdraws his hand with the probe and stands motionlessly next to me, as if he wishes he were invisible.

  “She just told you why, Russell,” Hunter says, meeting my eyes with that firm, protective glare of his.

  I squeeze the bridge of my nose and take a deep breath. Okay, okay… Now is not the time. This is something I can come to terms with later.

  “It’s fine, just…alright. It doesn’t matter,” I whisper.

  “So…is it possible?” Hunter continues, now aiming his words at the Doc.

  He hums next to me. “Perhaps. Those heartbeats were quite far apart. You won’t know without a proper ultrasound. That’s what I would recommend if you intend to go through with this pregnancy. Multiples are notoriously difficult for male omegas. Though,” he pauses, taking an account of me, “you have a good build for it. Wide hips. You could likely carry twins without too much trouble, compared to a smaller, daintier male. But I would most certainly advise getting seen and monitored in Ridgelake.”

  Looks like I’m not avoiding a hospital trip after all.

  “I’m gonna be honest, son. Even if you’d like to terminate, I recommend that route. There are ways I can help, of course. For those who don’t like the doctors or don’t want anyone to know, but in this case especially, and to those who will listen, I tell them to deal with it the modern way. Much safer. I have methods—teas, and herbs to make it happen—but oftentimes, nature’s not too kind to those tryin’ to sabotage its primary purpose.”

  “I won’t need that.” The words just slip out, clear and assured.

  I blink and look up, meeting eyes with Auntie Elmira. Her gaze is one of relief and fiery determination. She has something to say, but her brief glance at the Doc tells me it’s not something she wants to share in front of him.

  “Your choice, like I said,” Coleman says. He moves aside to wipe the Doppler.

  I pull my shirt down and hop off the examination table. “Thanks for your help,” I say and shake his hand. He gives me a reassuring squeeze. With a knowing expression, he comes closer.

  “Let me know if you need anything. I would guess that you’ll be fine. You are strong and healthy,” he says, giving me a quick look-over, “But it won’t be easy, lemme tell you that.”

  I smirk. “I’m pretty familiar with not easy.”

  “Not this sort, son, but I admire your optimism,” he remarks, smiling at me like he knows something I don’t.

  I pull away while Hunter steps in, pulling out his wallet to pay the doc. I don’t bother arguing with him about it, because I know he would insist, anyway.

  After some more nods and handshakes and thanks, we leave.

  The quiet between us is thick and uncomfortable as we make our way back to the car. Aunt Elmira makes a disgruntled sigh almost as soon as her wheels hit the ground, and it gets my attention like it’s supposed to.

  “You want to continue with the pregnancy. Very well. I support you in that,” she says, voice decisive and confident, but I don’t like where the determination of it is headed. “I’d support you in anything you’d do, you know that, don’t you?”

  I nod, looking at her carefully. This is going to turn into a talking-to. I can feel it.

  Sure enough, she gestures for Hunter to stop pushing her and grabs my hand. “But if there’s one thing I will insist on, it is that you gotta tell your city alpha who did this to take responsibility and come back.” My attempt at pulling away doesn’t work because suddenly, her grip is steel-tight.

  She doesn’t understand. She doesn’t know Wren and his situation, and I can’t explain it to her without completely betraying his trust and spilling all his deepest, darkest secrets.

  “I— No. It’s not that simple. Please, don’t pester me about this.”

  “Pester you?!” She lets go of my hand sharply. “This is serious, Russell. This isn’t something you can just brute-force your way through! That alpha knotted you, did he not? Consensually. Intentionally. He knew what that meant, and he needs to take responsibility for it.”

  My skin itching all over with frustration, I spread out my arms. “What if he doesn’t want to?”

  I know he would. Well, I barely know Wren, but something tells me he would. That he’d insist on doing the right thing, even if that would hurt him. Which is exactly why I can’t tell him.

  Or should I? He deserves to know, doesn’t he?

  Gods, I don’t know what to do…

  Elmira’s face twists into a horrified expression. “Then he’s an awful person, Russell!”

  I put my head into my hands and pace around the wheelchair while Hunter watches me with a look that says he’ll stay out of it as long as I don’t upset her too much.

  I don’t want her to think the worst of Wren, so I stop in front of her, determined to change her mind. “I was there too, you know? I wasn’t some senseless, powerless fuck doll for him to use. And I’m the one making this choice, even with the knowledge that…that he wouldn’t be happy here, which is why I won’t tell him. Not…not now! N-not yet, I… Ugh, I need to mull this over, okay?!”

  “This isn’t something you can easily do by yourself, darlin’.” Auntie Elmira’s voice shifts into a despairing, soft, worried tone that tugs at my heart. “I don’t want you to go through such a monumental life event like this, Rus. You shouldn’t have to. You should have the support and aid of the person who—”

  “I have you and Hunter for support. Don’t I?”

  A smile appears on her face, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. They stay serious. “We won’t be here forever…”

  “Stop,” I groan. No. No, I don’t wanna think about that. “Can-can we go home? I’m tired, and my head hurts. I need some time to—”

  “‘Course,” Hunter says firmly. He and Elmira look at each other before he starts pushing her toward the car again. I’m glad the arguing is over, because I can barely hear my own thoughts at this point.

  Dammit, of course I want him here!

  I hated it when he left more than I logically should’ve, and I loved the moments we shared more than I have the right to. But…life isn’t some fairytale. Wren is in the city trying to get his life together and he’s succeeding. I want that for him. More than anything, he deserves to have happiness and stability after what he’s been through.

  So how could I rip that away by telling him this news and pulling him back here, where he’d be haunted by so many horrific memories? Only for him to resent me, this environment, and our child, and to slip back into the horrible place I saw a glimpse of him in.

  I don’t want that. For me, him, or the kid. Kids? Oh, gods…