“Yeah, and some people date for decades and still can’t nail anything down.” He shrugged again. “He’s not a kid. Maybe he’s been around and watched other people enough to know what he wants and what he doesn’t want. Maybe he’s mature enough to skip all the bullshit we did when we were fifteen-year-old dumbasses.”

  “And what happens in five years when he realizes how much better he can do than me?” I slouched against the sofa. “Every other man has figured it out sooner or later, and this one is hot, he’s young, he’s rich, and he’s got plenty of admirers who’d be happy to take my place. He doesn’t need to settle for a fucking whore.”

  Bryce tsked. “You’re selling yourself short, Cole.”

  “Am I?” Before he could answer, I shook my head. “I just think I’m getting in over my head, and I’m going to regret this. I mean, we have a deal. He knows what this is and so do I. But last night, I didn’t even charge him. I didn’t want to charge him.”

  “Why not?”

  I thought about it, then shook my head and sighed. “I can’t explain it.” Mostly because I didn’t know how to explain that I couldn’t put a price on last night. That all I’d wanted was Parker and sex, not money, and even after the fact… “I just couldn’t do it.”

  “So don’t.” Bryce touched my arm. “Talk to him. If he’s not into it, then—”

  “That’s the problem—I think he is into it.” I kneaded my neck with both hands. “I don’t want to hurt him.”

  “Then don’t. Cole, don’t be a dumbass. If something’s happening between you two, then let it happen. Hell, with your track record of staying friendly with most of the guys you date, it isn’t even that big of a risk. Worst-case? You end up friends with him.”

  “Or I end up being the one who gets my heart stomped on this time. And like, do you really think he wants to bring me home for Christmas to meet his family? He’s already said his parents think anyone who isn’t college-educated or military is a loser. I’m sure they’ll love it when their son brings home a prostitute who dropped out of college halfway through his junior year.”

  Bryce scowled. “I still think you’re overthinking this. If it were me, I’d much rather have it not work out than wonder what might have been.”

  I couldn’t argue with that either.

  Bryce had to make some calls and get in touch with Anita, so he headed back down to his bedroom, and I stayed on the couch with my cold coffee and my whirring thoughts.

  He’d made a lot of good points, but I wasn’t convinced. Maybe because Bryce was always the sunny optimist, and I was too cynical about love to be anything but a pessimist. Did he not notice that we were both single? That he hadn’t stayed with me just like all the men before him? And I was supposed to cling to even the tiniest glimmer of hope that a man with everything Parker had to offer—a man who’d just had the entire world of sex and dating opened up to him—might be different?

  Maybe… I didn’t fucking know. I just knew that nothing about my situation with Parker felt right. I didn’t want to bail, but the fact that it hurt so much to even think about bailing—I mean, that had to be some kind of clue that I’d gotten in way over my head.

  Ugh. Marco was right, wasn’t he? I should’ve listened to him when he’d told me to be careful and to block Parker and move on before things got too real. The smart thing to do had been to punch out while everything was easy and getting too involved was just an unnerving hypothetical.

  Too late for that.

  I rubbed my tired eyes. I hadn’t wanted to walk then, and I sure as shit didn’t want to walk now.

  The longer I stayed, though, the harder it was going to be to find the exit. Which meant…

  I sighed into the stillness, my shoulders sinking as an ache set up deep in my chest.

  I’m sorry, Parker.

  But this is gonna hurt.

  Chapter 27

  Parker

  Something wasn’t right.

  The second I opened my door and saw Cole, I could feel it. It was that same stomach-dropping oh shit I got when a teammate went down and someone put up a frantic hand to get a linesman’s attention. When there was no telling how bad it was—anything from getting the wind knocked out of him to an injury warranting a stretcher—only that something was definitely wrong.

  “Hey.” I stood aside to let Cole in.

  He flashed me a quick and unconvincing smile, then broke eye contact. Hands in his pockets, he stepped into the condo without looking at me. He also didn’t make any move to take off his jacket or his shoes.

  I closed the door. When we’d first met, I’d been nervous about making contact. I’d follow his lead. If he put his hands on me or kissed me, then it was fair game. Over time, though, I’d relaxed, and touching had come easy for us.

  Right now, I couldn’t shake the feeling that if I reached for him now, he’d recoil, and I had no idea how to feel about that except this close to panicked.

  I hooked my thumbs in my own pockets, hoping that conveyed that I wasn’t going to reach for him and also that I wasn’t freaking the fucking hell out like I absolutely was. “Are you okay?”

  “I…” He was quiet for a long moment, but he wasn’t still. I’d never seen him this twitchy before—shifting from foot to foot, acting like he couldn’t get his hands comfortable in his pockets, gnawing his lip. This wasn’t like him at all.

  I was about to ask again if he was all right, but right then, he took a deep breath and looked me right in the eyes with an unreadable expression I’d never seen on him before. “I’m sorry, Parker. We have to stop doing this.”

  My heart dropped into my feet. “What? Why?”

  “Because I think it’s getting too…” He chewed his lip some more and stared at the carpet between us before he sighed and made a frustrated gesture. “Too real, I guess?”

  “Too…” I blinked. “What do you mean?” The question sounded stupid because I was pretty sure I knew exactly what it meant, and I was too stunned to ask why it was such a bad thing for this to be real. It was going great, wasn’t it? He’d obviously been enjoying it, and so had I. So what was— “Is this about the money?”

  Cole winced. And then he nodded. “Kind of?”

  “Kind of? What does that mean?”

  He swallowed hard. “It means I’m supposed—” He pursed his lips. Then he looked right at me with the faintest extra shimmer in his eyes. “I can’t keep doing this because I don’t think you’re in this as a client anymore,” he whispered unsteadily. “I don’t think you see me as an escort.”

  “Do you see me as just a client?” I asked. “Because I feel like you wouldn’t be crying if you did.”

  He shifted his gaze away and swiped at his eyes. Still avoiding my gaze, he shook his head. “I’m sorry. I… There’s just no way.”

  “But… why? At least tell me that much.”

  The hurt in his expression did more to throw off my balance than a body check from an oversized defenseman. “Parker, we—”

  “If stopping it hurts you this much, and it hurts me this much, then doesn’t that mean stopping is wrong?”

  “Parker, I’m your first,” he blurted out. “You’ve never dated anyone, and I’m—”

  “So the hell what?” I didn’t know if I was more angry or hurt, but both emotions were coming in hot. “We can’t do this because there’s no way I’ll know what I want until I’ve fallen on my face a few times? Is that it?”

  He pressed his lips together and shifted his weight, frustration radiating off him. “It’s not… It’s… Look, everyone gets infatuated with their first. I did. And I should’ve known that would happen this time, and I—”

  “You didn’t know a damn thing,” I snapped. “One minute you’re telling me it’s too real, and the next you’re telling me it isn’t real enough?” I threw up my hands. “Which is it?”

  “Both?” he said through gritted teeth. “We’re closer than we should be. You’re a client, and I—”

  “And I don’t care what you are or what I am. I like the way things have been going. How can that be wrong?”

  Cole met my gaze with tear-filled eyes. “Because it’s only a matter of time before you realize that with as much as you have to offer, you can have any man you want. You don’t have to settle for—”

  “How is that your decision to make?” I demanded. “No, I don’t have experience, but who are you to tell me what I’m going to want or what I’m”—I made angry air quotes—“‘settling’ for?”

  He pressed his lips together. “I’m someone who did the same damn thing, and when the guy let me go for the same reason I’m letting you go, he was right.”

  “Yeah?” I folded my arms tightly because like hell was I going to let him see my hands shake. “And was he as upset as you are about it?”

  Cole flinched.

  “Please,” I whispered. “I know this isn’t what we set out to do, but I like where it’s going. Why not see where it can—”

  “I’m sorry.” He shook his head. “I can’t. I just can’t. And no, I’m not pretending this is easy, or that I want to. But I have to do this.”

  “Do you?” I was out of steam, and my voice sounded pathetic now. “Because if it’s this hard, then maybe it’s not the right thing.”

  “It is. I’ve thought about it, and…” Another head shake. “I’m sorry.”

  “You keep saying that, but…” I exhaled. “Jesus, Cole. Is this really so bad? So we got closer than we were supposed to? So the hell what if you’re my first? It’s not even worth trying to see if there’s something here?”

  “No,” he whispered shakily, “because the minute you realize you don’t need me, and that you really can have anyone you want, you’re—”

  “Anyone except you?”

  Cole flinched, but he didn’t speak. He avoided my gaze, his jaw clenched and his lips pressed together like he was really struggling to keep his composure.

  As I watched him, my chest ached. I was pissed, and I was hurt, but it was also painfully obvious that this was tearing him apart. I didn’t want to let him go, but I didn’t want to keep digging at this if it was going to break him like that. So what else could I do?

  Voice full of resignation, I said, “Okay. Okay. Fine.” Then I realized I was between him and the door, and I sidestepped so he could leave if he wanted to.

  His eyes flicked toward the door. Me. The door. I let myself indulge in a moment’s hope that he might change his mind. That given the choice between staying or going, he’d stay.

  But with another whispered apology…

  He was gone.

  He was gone, and there was nothing I could do to stop him.

  Mind reeling, I leaned against the wall. The emptiness of the condo rang in my ears, and my chest hurt.

  The tears wouldn’t stop. Damn it, I hadn’t cried since my grandma’s funeral when I was nineteen, and this was a flavor of hurt I’d never experienced before.

  How could he say this wasn’t real? That I’d go looking for something better after I got over my infatuation? Was he fucking kidding me?

  I wiped my eyes, not that it did a lot of good, and I pressed my head back against the wall.

  If this was just infatuation…

  If this was what it felt like to lose someone I was just infatuated with…

  Then holy hell, I never wanted to fall in love.

  Chapter 28

  Cole

  “You what?” Luca almost dropped his drink on the couch we were sharing. “Are you serious?”

  I stared into my own drink, heat blooming in my cheeks. “I called it off.”

  “Because you’re his first. And he couldn’t possibly be in love with you.”

  “He’s infatuated with me,” I corrected. “I’m the first man he’s ever touched. He’s infatuated with me just like I was infatuated with Marco, and he’s going to bail just like every man I’ve ever let myself get attached to.”

  Luca’s sharp sigh said he didn’t buy it. “So what if you’re his first? I mean… Dude.” He put his drink on the coffee table and looked right at me. “I’ve seen the way you light up when you talk about him. You’re obviously into—”

  “Yes, I am. I totally am.” I exhaled hard. “But what difference does it make?” I threw up a hand and slumped back against the couch. “He’s a rich, hot, talented guy who straight up told me in the beginning that he had men propositioning him now that he’s a big shot athlete.” Fuck, I’d told Luca too much, hadn’t I? It was out, though, and I didn’t even care right now if I was breaking company policy. “How the hell long is he going to be infatuated with me before he remembers he can have, like, any guy he wants?”

  Luca pinched the bridge of his nose. “Cole. Jesus.”

  I glared at him. “What?”

  He dropped his hand into his lap, and when our eyes met, his expression had turned surprisingly gentle. “Has it occurred to you that you might be the man he wants?”

  Against my will, some of my last conversation with Parker echoed through my mind:

  “You really can have anyone you want, you’re—”

  “Anyone except you?”

  I shook my head. “He has nothing to compare me to!”

  “So? Have you thought that maybe it is possible to fall for his first lay?”

  “You mean like we all did?” I eyed him. “How did that work out?”

  “Dude, I was fifteen! It didn’t flop because he was my first. It flopped because we were stupid kids without a clue about anything. Not just relationships, but you know, life? The world?” He inclined his head. “Tell me you’re not a different person than you were when you slept with someone the first time.”

  “I wasn’t that much younger than him, though,” I said quietly. “I was twenty-one. He’s twenty-five.”

  “Uh-huh. And I was a lot stupider at twenty-one than I was at twenty-five. If memory serves, so were you.”

  I pursed my lips, avoiding his gaze.

  “Yeah, maybe he is infatuated with you because you’re his first, but maybe he really is in love with you.” Luca touched my arm. “The same way you are with him.”

  “I’m not…” Two words in, and I ran out of air. I was exhausted just thinking about telling him that, no, I was not in love with Parker. I didn’t have it in me right now to lie.

  “You’re not in love with him?” Luca asked softly, because apparently he could read me anyway. “Are you sure about that?”

  “What if I am? And what if he is, but then he isn’t?” I met his eyes as mine threatened to well up. “Should I keep investing in him until he realizes how much other dick he can get? Wait around to get hurt when he walks just like every man eventually does?”

  “Yes, that’s a risk. Love is always a gamble.” Luca laced our fingers together and looked right in my eyes. “And yes, you could get hurt. But maybe that’s worth it for what you could gain if this works out.”

  My throat tightened. I would have sold my soul to believe he was right. That I had a fighting chance at being what Parker saw whenever he looked at me with those longing eyes. That the shine wouldn’t wear off and he wouldn’t realize I was just a whore he’d paid to help him shed his virginity, and yes, he could do so much better.

  “If you give it a try,” Luca pressed, “then you have a chance of being with Parker. You also have a chance of losing him. But if you let him go like you’re doing right now, then your odds of losing him are a hundred percent.”

  “And you don’t think it’ll hurt a lot more to lose him six months or a year or whatever down the line?”

  “It will,” he said with a nod. “But if it were me, I think I’d rather stomach a breakup than wonder what might have been.”

  I got it. I really did.

  But as much as it already hurt to let go of Parker, the thought of stomaching a future breakup after I’d gotten in deeper with him? Oh, that was something I preferred to leave in the realms of speculation and glad I didn’t do that.

  I told Luca, “I’ll think about it.”

  He eyed me skeptically, and he was right to not completely buy it. After all, I was only saying it to appease him. Would I think about it? Absolutely. All I’d been thinking about was Parker and our “relationship” (whatever it was) and our “breakup” (whatever the hell that had been).

  But no, I wasn’t going to reconsider. I couldn’t. I just fucking couldn’t.

  What I needed was someone who’d tell it to me straight. Someone who would tell me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear. Someone who wouldn’t hesitate to tell me that I’d been an idiot to keep going back to Parker and I’d finally made the right call by leaving.

  Fortunately, I knew just the person.

  “Hey.” Marco gestured for me to come inside. As he’d closed the door, he hugged me gently and offered one of those lopsided smiles that had pulled me across the crowded club the night we met. The smile quickly fell, though, and he studied me. “What’s wrong?”

  I sighed. “Am I that easy to read?”

  “Uh, yeah. Come on.” He put an arm around my shoulders and steered me toward his living room. “Let’s sit. Do you want something to drink or—”

  “No, I’m good. Thanks.” I sat down on his enormous couch.

  He took the cushion right next to me, slinging his arm across the back and resting his knee between us. “So, what’s up?”

  “Um. Well.” I took a deep breath. “Remember that client I told you about? The inexperienced one?”

  Marco nodded. Then his eyebrow arched in that way it always did when he was reading me like a billboard. “Let me guess—you stuck around and found out?”

  I laughed uncomfortably as I sat back. “I am that easy to read, aren’t I?”

  “No, but your situation is that predictable.” He exhaled. “And I knew that day you weren’t going to listen to me.”