“You did?”

  With a soft smile, he nodded. “Yeah. Because I know you, and because I could already tell you were all in with him. There wasn’t much I could say that was going to talk you out of it.”

  “But you tried, right?”

  “Well, yeah.” He huffed a laugh. “That was what you wanted, wasn’t it?”

  “Yeah.” I sighed as I rubbed my eyes. “And now I’m in way, way over my head. And then I called it off because it was getting too—” I flailed my hand. “I fucked up. I think I did. I… I don’t know.”

  “How did he take it?”

  I winced. “He wasn’t happy. I mean, he wasn’t a dick about it, but it obviously hurt him. I obviously hurt him.” I held Marco’s gaze, hoping my desperation came through in my eyes and my voice. “I’m listening this time. I really am. What should I do?”

  I braced for him to remind me I’d been an idiot before, and to emphatically tell me that I’d been right to bail on Parker, and to tell me that what I needed to do now was block Parker’s profile and not feel bad about it. Yeah, it would hurt both Parker and me, but it was for the best, and we both needed to move on. I was not the only queer man in this town, and Parker had certainly been with me enough that he could hold his own in bed with another man.

  Stop being stupid and sentimental, Cole. Let the guy move on so you can move on.

  I was not ready when Marco quietly said, “Maybe ending it was a mistake.”

  I blinked. “What?”

  “You obviously feel something for him. And if it hurt you both to walk away, then…” He gave a resigned sigh. “Then maybe it wasn’t something you should be walking away from.”

  I stared at him, disbelieving what I was hearing. “But you said… And I mean, like I said before, I’m his first. He’s never been with anyone else.”

  “In that case, he’s lucky he found someone like you. You know more than most people how intimidating it is to start this as an adult. And you’re patient like a lot of people aren’t.”

  “Okay, but that doesn’t mean I should get into a relationship with him.”

  “No, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t.”

  “So you think I should?” Holy crap, this was not the direction I’d expected this conversation to take. “Like, I should tell him I made a mistake when I ended it and we should give it a try?”

  “I think…” Marco’s eyes lost focus for a moment, and then he sighed. “Look, I think you’re taking a big risk, and I won’t tell you otherwise. This could blow up in your face. Any relationship can.”

  “Including one between an escort and the client who hired him to take care of his virginity?”

  “Yes, including that one.” He held my gaze. “Look, you’ve got a big heart, Cole. You know what they say—the bigger they are, the harder they fall, right?”

  “Does that really apply here?”

  “Doesn’t it?”

  I thought about it, and… Okay. Maybe he had a point. When I fell for someone—really fell, not the way I’d thought I did with Marco—I fell hard. “You fall pretty hard yourself.”

  His eyebrow flicked up. “You saying I don’t have a big heart?”

  “Touché.” And he really did. He was much more cautious and holy-shit-cynical when it came to love than anyone else I knew, but dear God, when that man actually fell… What I wouldn’t have given to be on the receiving end of love and devotion like Marco’s.

  And from the hurt in Parker’s eyes when I’d called this off…

  Damn. Maybe I had been on the receiving end of it.

  I swallowed. “That also means we get hurt. A lot.”

  Lips tight, Marco nodded. “Yeah, it does.”

  “So what do I do?” I shifted uncomfortably. “Because when I came here, I thought you were going to tell me again to stop being a dumbass and bail.”

  Marco laughed softly and shrugged. “And maybe I should. Maybe I’m getting soft. I don’t know.” He looked right in my eyes. “But I know you, and I think you’re good for someone like him. I also think if you’re this tied up over him, maybe he’s good for you. So, maybe that means I was wrong before when I told you to run and never look back.”

  “And I was wrong for telling him we couldn’t do this anymore.”

  Marco nodded.

  Well, shit. So much for a dose of his prickly cynicism.

  “But I’m his first,” I protested weakly. “You said yourself when we broke up that everyone gets infatuated with their first.”

  He actually winced, dropping his gaze to the cushion between us. “A lot of people do, yeah.” He looked at me. “But that doesn’t mean those feelings can’t mean something. Or that it’s always one-sided.” He must have seen my skepticism, because he quietly added, “I felt something for you.”

  “Yeah, but you knew it wasn’t… You knew what we were and weren’t doing.” I moistened my lips, and when I spoke, I sounded more desperate and pathetic than I’d hoped: “How did you know? And how do I know?”

  He sighed again, sounding more resigned than I was used to hearing from him. “I wish I could give you a black and white answer.” Shaking his head, he whispered, “I can’t, though.”

  “But you knew with us.” I furrowed my brow. “Didn’t you?”

  Marco looked right in my eyes. “Do you think I figured it all out overnight?”

  “You didn’t?”

  “Hardly.” He laughed humorlessly. “In fact, to tell you the truth, I lost sleep over it for weeks before and after I called things off with you. I thought it was the right thing, but… I wondered.”

  I could barely make sense of that. He’d seemed so certain back then. Even when I’d tearfully insisted that what we had was real and that he was wrong and—

  Just like Parker did?

  My own thought made my throat tighten. “I can’t believe I never knew. I always thought you were so sure.”

  “I know,” he whispered. “I needed you to think that. Because otherwise I’d have caved, and I was afraid we’d both wind up getting hurt worse. And sometimes…” He swallowed hard. “Sometimes I wondered. But I can say with absolute certainty that even when I doubted it and seriously considered picking up the phone and telling you I was wrong…” Marco touched my arm, and in a softer than I’d ever heard from him, he said, “I was never as torn up over it as you are over him.”

  The words hit me hard, and not because I was hurt by the idea that Marco hadn’t been that crazy in love with me. No, because he was right that this was tearing me up. I dropped my gaze. “Fuck…”

  “I told you before that having a big heart means you fall hard. And I stand by that. But you’re not stupid or naïve.”

  “Except look at me.” I wrung my hands in my lap. “I let Parker go because he’s infatuated with his first, but I’m the one who’s losing it because I was too fucking stupid to see what I had.”

  “No, you weren’t. You were being cautious.” He squeezed my hands. “And you listened to me. Maybe not right away, but in the end, you did what I told you to do. But I’m no expert in life or love. Instead of listening to me, I think maybe you need to listen to your heart. If it hurts this much to be away from him, and if it feels this wrong, then…” He swallowed. “Then maybe it is wrong.”

  That heart he was talking about fell into my stomach. “Do you really think something could work with him, though?”

  “Why not?”

  I eyed him as if to ask Really?

  “Seriously.” Marco shrugged. “Yeah, you’re his first. And he’s a client. And on paper, it’s a recipe for disaster. But as much as you’re hurting right now?” He brought up his hand and gently brushed a tear off my cheek. “Maybe this is the disaster. Not staying with him.”

  “But…” God, I didn’t even know how to respond to that.

  Before I could formulate something, though, Marco said, “I don’t actually think this is about Parker at all. Or about you being his first or an escort.”

  I tilted my head. “Then what is it about?”

  “It’s about you.” He laced our fingers together and looked right in my eyes. “I think it’s easy to hide behind him being a rich, hot athlete who should be able to have whoever he wants. And it’s even easier to hide behind you being a prostitute who was hired to take his virginity.” He squeezed my hand. “Because then you don’t have to consider that maybe the problem is that you don’t believe you’re lovable.”

  “What?” I laughed, though it didn’t even sound convincing to me. “What are you talking about?”

  Marco’s expression stayed serious. “Think about where you came from, Cole. You’ve had a demon in your head since you were a kid telling you that you had to abuse your body into looking perfect, or else no one would like you. I know you’ve got the disorder mostly under control, but this isn’t the first time you’ve bolted when someone started getting close to you.”

  I stared at him, my tongue firmly stuck to the roof of my mouth.

  He wasn’t done yet. “Look how many exes you’re still friendly with.”

  “Is that a bad thing?” I croaked.

  “On the surface, no. Being friendly with exes is great. But you’re friendly with yours because you don’t stick around long enough for things to get ugly. You always find a reason to exit stage left.”

  “I don’t stick around?” I scoffed. “No. They bail on me.”

  Inclining his head, he raised his eyebrows. “Do they? Do they really?”

  “Yeah! They…” I shifted uncomfortably. “I mean, sometimes life happens, but they—”

  “But they leave after you’ve found a reason they should?”

  I stared at him. That… That wasn’t how…

  “Look me in the eye and tell me they up and left without any encouragement from you.” He squeezed my arm. “And tell me every one of the reasons you gave them wasn’t just a bullshit excuse to keep from admitting out loud that you don’t think you’re worth loving.”

  My lips parted. I’d always loved Marco’s bluntness, but it was still…blunt. And mentally running through my various breakups, I wanted to say he was full of shit, but it was hard not to see the undeniable truth in the bomb he’d just dropped on me.

  Had Bryce’s school and work schedule really been a deal-breaker? Or was there something to all those nights I’d laid there next to him and wondered what in the world someone that smart, gorgeous, and sweet could possibly see in me? Bryce could have anyone.

  And with the invention of webchats, FaceTime, and myriad inexpensive ways to keep in almost constant contact, had Kim’s one year of going to school in Europe really been such an imposition? Or had I maybe convinced myself he’d last two weeks before he met some amazing, worldly guy and never looked back? The fact that he had, in fact, met and married a Frenchman… Fuck. Now that I thought about it, that didn’t mean I’d been right—it just meant he’d been single and had the freedom to meet someone because I’d broken up with him.

  Then there was Liam, and I couldn’t really pin down a reason why we’d broken up. We’d just decided to be friends, right?

  Or had I pulled away from him because what in the holy hell did I have to offer a man who was that smart, that sweet, and that politically active in making sure sex workers were safe and protected?

  “Oh my God,” I whispered. “Have I… Have I really been shoving people away?”

  Marco nodded, rubbing his thumb alongside my hand. “Yes. So look me in the eyes”—he pointed at his face—“and tell me that if you weren’t an escort, if you hadn’t been his first, and he hadn’t been a rich athlete, you wouldn’t have found some other reason to say that Parker can’t possibly love you.”

  I was out of air. Words. Thoughts.

  “I know it’s a lot to chew on,” he said softly. “But I don’t want to see you lose this guy.”

  I somehow managed to sputter, “But you told me to bail on him?”

  “Yeah, I did,” he admitted with a nod. “And I’m as cynical as they come, but I’ve never claimed to be infallible. I’ve also seen you infatuated, and I’ve seen you in love, and Jesus Christ, Cole, I have never seen you this devastated over someone.” He smoothed my hair. “That has to mean something.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut, the hot slide of tears down my cheeks almost breaking me right then and there.

  Marco wrapped his arms around me, and I sighed as I buried my face against his shoulder. Stroking my hair, he whispered, “I can’t tell you if this thing between you guys will work out. No one can predict that for anyone. But if it hurts this much to let him go, then…don’t.” He pressed a kiss to my temple. “Tell the demon in your head to shut its damn mouth, and let this guy love you.”

  Fuck. That sounded so good. And when that kneejerk “there’s no way he really loves me” and “it’s too good to be true” reactions started banging around in my head, I couldn’t even try to pretend that Marco wasn’t a hundred percent on the money with this one. How many great guys had I lost along the way because I’d convinced myself I wasn’t worth loving?

  And have I lost the most amazing man I’ve ever met?

  Drawing back, I met Marco’s gaze. “What if there’s no going back, though?” I sniffed. “I mean, if you’d come looking for me after we split up, I’d have slammed the door in your face.”

  Marco nodded. “I know. You needed time.” He swallowed, then softly added, “Don’t think I wasn’t tempted to come find you and try to talk to you, though.”

  “You were?”

  “Are you kidding?” He patted my hand. “Just because I needed us to redefine our relationship didn’t mean I wanted to lose you. When I thought you were gone for good? That was hell.”

  I winced. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. It was a long time ago, and I didn’t lose you.” He rubbed his thumb along the side of my wrist. “I’m just telling you where I was at the time.”

  “And you… You really thought you’d made a mistake?”

  Marco nodded. “I wondered about it a lot. And I was tempted as all hell to go over and tell you I had.”

  I swallowed. It was a good thing he hadn’t, because I sure as shit wouldn’t have listened to anything he’d had to say. Instead, he’d patiently waited, and he’d welcomed me back with open arms as his friend.

  “So what am I supposed to do now?” I swiped at my eyes. “How do I know I was wrong and I’m not just second-guessing myself like you were?”

  “Is what you could have with him worth the gamble?”

  “Yes,” I said without hesitation. Probably the first thing I’d been certain of all damned night besides how confused I was. And now my eyes were welling up all over again because that thing we could have felt miles out of my reach now. Shakily wiping my eyes, I whispered, “Yeah. It really is.”

  “Then talk to him.”

  “But if I show up and he doesn’t want to talk to me, or… I mean, even if he’s willing to hear me out, but he’s not willing to give me another chance?”

  “I don’t know.” Marco swallowed. “There’s no way I can… I know you came here looking for definite answers, and I wish I had more of them for you.”

  Shaking my head, I exhaled. “No. I think this is what I needed. I always thought it was cut and dry for you back then. Not… I mean, not easy, but like you just knew.”

  “That was only because I’d been thinking about it for weeks by that point, and I’d talked myself through it a million times over. And even then, no, I wasn’t completely sure.” He paused, then lowered his gaze. “Can I confess something?”

  I watched him, not sure how to take this…shyness? Uncertainty? “Yeah.”

  He licked his lips and took a deep breath. Meeting my eyes again, he set his shoulders back. “I’ve still second-guess that decision sometimes.”

  I blinked. “What?”

  With a faint smile, he said, “I’m about ninety-eight percent sure we’re not compatible in the long run. I love you and I always will, but we’re not…” He shook his head. “That’s not us.” The smile faded a little, and he touched my face. “But there’s still that two percent. Every time you meet someone, I can’t help thinking about that two percent chance and wondering if I passed up something I shouldn’t have.” He gave my cheek a soft pat, then lowered his hand. “I’m not telling you that to make you think we should give it another try, or that you should stay with me instead of trying to fix things with Parker. I’m telling you so you understand that just because you’re not absolutely certain doesn’t mean going back to him is the wrong decision. So if you’re mostly sure about how you feel about Parker, but you still have some doubts? That’s okay.”

  I closed my eyes and released a long breath. “I, um… I think that’s exactly what I needed to hear.” With a humorless laugh, I looked at him again. “I came to you because I knew you’d tell me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear. I just… I didn’t think it would be that.”

  “I know. And good luck with him.” Marco touched the back of my neck and pressed a quick kiss to my forehead. “I hope he realizes what a good thing he has.”

  “Yeah.” I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “Me too.”

  Chapter 29

  Parker

  So, I was on my own. Cole was gone. I tried and tried to tell myself that this had been inevitable. I mean, what did I expect? That the guy I hired for sex would fall in love with me? Pfft. That was pathetic as hell.

  But my dumb ass had clearly gone and fallen for him, and I needed to shake this off and move on. I’d lost enough years to fear—first of being outed, then of someone realizing I was an inexperienced dud. I didn’t need to lose any more to pining after an escort. Because that was what he was—an escort. I didn’t want to reduce him to his job and nothing more, but he’d made it clear that, where I was concerned, he was just an escort.

  Which totally explained why he’d fucking cried while he was telling me we couldn’t do this anymore.