Time passes in a blur of moving bodies, shouted lyrics, and colorful lights from the projectors around the room. Jordy has just spun me around for what feels like the hundredth time when my gaze catches on Spencer. He’s standing across the room, arms folded over his chest, watching us. I wobble in place, throwing out my arms to catch my balance. I expect to see amusement on his face, the same expression he wore the night he saw Jordy and me dancing in the diner office, but his face remains serious, eyes glittering in the dark. I could swear desire flashes across his face, but it’s gone quickly, making me wonder if it was my imagination or perhaps a trick of the lights.

  I peel myself away from the group of dancers, informing the people closest to me that I need a drink. Stella offers to get one for me, but I tell her I need a minute to catch my breath anyway. When Spencer sees me headed in his direction, he straightens, his arms falling to his sides. He looks almost panicked, as if he wants to dash away like he’s done all night, make some excuse about why he needs to be anywhere else.

  “It’s bad form to avoid the birthday girl,” I say, stopping in front of him.

  “I wasn’t…that’s not…you’re not…” He snaps his mouth shut, cutting off his stammering. After a long sigh, he nods once and says, “My apologies.”

  “If this is about the other night, I was being honest when I said I didn’t regret kissing you.”

  “That’s not it.” He must sense my disbelief because he adds, “Not entirely, anyway. I’m still dealing with family and business issues. It’s put me in a foul mood and I didn’t want to take it out on you. Again.” He offers me a rueful smile.

  “Anything I can help with?”

  He shakes his head slowly. “I’ve decided today I’ll be going home for Christmas. I hadn’t planned on it, but I’d like to see my parents, and it’ll give me a chance to deal with some of the business issues in person.”

  “Oh. That’s great.” My voice is so faint, it’s barely audible over the music. It’s not like I’d expected to spend Christmas with Spencer or anything, but I’d hoped to at least see him over the holidays, especially with Jordy leaving next week. I’d hoped I could convince him to attend the yearly dinner at Evie’s parents’ place or one of the smaller get-togethers us girls have each year. Now that Evie and Stella have boyfriends, it won’t be just the four of us anymore, so he would have been a welcome addition.

  Spencer is watching me closely, as if trying to gauge my reaction. I force a smile. “I’m sure your parents will be glad to have you home.”

  “Yes, I’m certain they will. Do you have plans for the holidays?”

  “Yes and no. I managed to get some time off work. I booked it shortly after Jordy moved in with me, thinking we could spend her holiday break together. Now that she’ll be gone, I’m trying to decide whether to cancel the time off or have a break. The center is closed for several days over Christmas and New Year’s anyway.”

  “You deserve a break. You work so hard.”

  I want to ask when he gets a break from all his hard work, but instead, I ask, “When are you leaving?”

  “Likely Christmas Day or perhaps the day before if I can tie up loose ends here,” he says. “My parents said they’ll wait to have Christmas dinner until I arrive, whenever that is. And Hollie, I think you should know…” He scratches the back of his neck, his eyes darting briefly away from mine.

  His words hang in the air, unspoken. Thoughts race through my mind, filling in the rest of his sentence. I think you should know…I don’t think we should continue seeing each other when I get back. My parents are setting me up with someone while I’m there. I’m reuniting with an old flame and we’re going to spend Christmas frolicking through London.

  “London at Christmas,” I blurt. Looks like those sporadic Manhattans have taken effect and gone to my head. “What a dream. Well, for me, anyway. Maybe not for you since you’ve experienced it before. I follow a bunch of travel influencers online and the pictures from London the last few weeks have nearly made me swoon. All those lights, the Christmas markets, the skating at Somerset House. I’ve been living vicariously through their posts. I bet you’ve done all the amazing things there are to do in London at Christmastime.”

  “I haven’t, actually. I’ve seen it in passing, of course, on my way to and from work and while getting around the city. My parents have never made a big fuss over the holidays, though, and I’ve never had anyone to do festive things with. It honestly never occurred to me to do them on my own.”

  I nod, unsure of what more to say. The noise in the room suddenly escalates; a few more people have arrived since Spencer and I started talking, and there are more people on the dance floor. I should return to the party, considering I’m the guest of honor, but I can’t seem to pry myself away from Spencer.

  “I should let you get back,” he says, following my gaze.

  “In a minute.” I lead him further into the shadows. “You were about to say something else when I interrupted you with my London enthusiasm.”

  His quick flash of a smile only lasts a second before it fades. “Right. I was going to say when I go to London, I’ll likely be gone for a few weeks.”

  “A few weeks,” I say breathlessly.

  “Yes. My father is doing much better, but it’s been too long since I’ve spent any quality time with him. With either of my parents, really. And with the business arrangements that need to be sorted and Henry needing to be dealt with…well, it just seems to make sense.”

  “Right.” All the delicious, greasy food I’ve eaten tonight turns to lead in my stomach. “Will you be staying with your parents?”

  “No. I never got around to subletting my flat, so I’ll stay there. Family togetherness can be a wonderful thing, but it has its limits.”

  I let out a weak laugh. A cheer goes up behind me, drawing my attention to the dance floor. A crowd has assembled, but I can’t see what’s happening. When I look back at Spencer, he’s watching me closely again. His gaze dips to my mouth; I can’t hear it, but I know he lets out a sigh by the way his shoulders rise and fall.

  “Kiss me, Spencer.”

  His eyes widen and his lips part slightly, glistening in the dim light.

  “You wouldn’t deny the birthday girl this one request, would you?” Despite the sweetness in my voice, it’s a challenge and we both know it.

  In a flash, he’s moved forward, erasing the space between us. He sweeps me into his arms and covers my mouth with his. It starts soft and slow like our previous kisses, but when I let out an involuntary moan, Spencer’s grip tightens and he kisses me harder. There’s a hint of desperation in it, a longing that resonates through me from head to toe.

  Spencer releases me suddenly, leaving me feeling like all the air has been sucked from my lungs. He’s breathless too, causing a strange sort of satisfaction to zing through me. My legs wobble and he reaches out to steady me. His hands are clammy on my bare arms.

  “Come to England with me for Christmas, Hollie.”

  If Spencer’s kiss left me breathless, his words make my head spin. When the breath returns to my lungs, I sputter out a disbelieving laugh. He doesn’t laugh with me. “You’re not serious. I can’t go to England with you.”

  I expect him to backtrack and say he was kidding or the words slipped out because he got caught up in the moment. Instead, he says, “Why not? You said yourself you already have the time off work. Jordy will be gone. Your friends will naturally make time for you because it’s obvious they adore you, but things will be different this year with Evie and Stella in relationships. You’ve always dreamed of visiting England, and you just admitted how you’ve longed to see London at Christmas. I’d have work and family obligations, but I could be your personal tour guide. We could experience all the wonders of a London Christmas together.”

  I stare at him. I can feel my mouth hanging open, but I can’t seem to close it or make words come out. My mind conjures up all sorts of images of Spencer and me in London: admiring the lights, strolling through Christmas markets, visiting museums and historical sites, maybe even taking in a show or two. The visions morph into the two of us alone in his apartment, lit only by the glow of Christmas lights as we kiss, letting our hands explore, and…

  That last image seems to be what finally snaps me from my stupor. “But we’re…we’re not even…”

  Spencer looks pained. “But we’re friends, aren’t we? You’d travel with your friends, wouldn’t you? You have traveled with them. This wouldn’t be any different. I have a spare bedroom in my flat; we could spend as much time together as possible, and otherwise you could come and go as you please.”

  I allow myself a moment more with the images in my head, attempting to replace the ones of us kissing and holding hands with ones of us together as friends. Just friends. I much prefer the previous imaginings. “What if I wanted it to be different?”

  It’s only when his hands drop from my arms that I realize he was even still holding onto me. The space between us has hardly changed, but it feels like a gaping canyon now. “Hollie, I care about you very much…”

  Someone calls my name from a few feet away. I’m not sure whether I’m disappointed or relieved. Maybe it’s better not to know how that sentence was going to end. “I should go.” I take a step back, suddenly eager to put more distance between us. “Thank you for the invitation, Spencer, but I’m going to have to decline.” I hate how formal and stiff my voice is. In an attempt to mask my confusion and hurt, I smile, although I suspect it looks more like a grimace.

  “I understand,” he says. “Happy birthday, Hollie. It’s a lovely party, and I’ve enjoyed watching you have fun with your friends. Thank you for inviting me.”

  There’s a finality to his tone that turns my stomach. “You’re leaving? It’s still early.”

  “I think it’s for the best.”

  I don’t bother arguing. It’s been such a great day and tonight has been wonderful so far. I can’t let this interaction spoil that. I muster up another smile and thank him for coming. We share a surprisingly long hug that’s nearly my undoing, and then Spencer brushes a barely-there kiss on my cheek before striding away.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  I stagger back toward the dance floor. By some miracle, no one seems to have noticed I was gone or witnessed the exchange between Spencer and me. People are still arriving, which is shocking to me. I expected there to be maybe a dozen people here tonight, but there’s easily three times that many—friends and acquaintances from work, plus people I’ve befriended through my three best friends.

  Two such people enter the room now and head straight for me: Felicity Levesque, Leland’s younger sister and Stella’s new boss at FandomTown, and Sylvie Bell, someone I vaguely knew in high school, but who has become a friend of the group since Stella met up with her again last month at an informal high school reunion.

  “Happy birthday!” they chorus, taking turns hugging me. “Sorry we’re late,” Felicity adds, followed by an accurate observation from Sylvie: “You look like you need a drink. The birthday girl should never be without a drink! What can I get you?”

  I’ve turned down the last several people who have made a similar offer, but after my encounter with Spencer, I wouldn’t mind letting the world go a little fuzzy for a while. I’ve never been one to drink past my limit, especially considering my dad became an alcoholic, making the thought of drowning my sorrows seem like a slippery slope. I deserve to celebrate and let loose, though, right? People keep telling me that. Besides, someone will be driving me home, and I have the day off tomorrow.

  “A Manhattan, please.”

  “You got it,” Sylvie says. “We’ll meet you on the dance floor in a few minutes.”

  I wade through the crowd, pausing to talk to people. When I find Jordy, I pull her close and speak directly into her ear so no one else can hear. “Would it upset you if I got drunk?”

  She lets out a bewildered laugh. “You’re kidding, right? It’s your birthday and we’re at a bar. I pretty much expected you would.”

  “I don’t usually,” I tell her. “And I didn’t plan to tonight, especially with you here. Seems pretty irresponsible.”

  She scoffs, although something in her eyes tells me she understands why I’m asking. “It’s fine, Hollie, I promise. As long as you don’t, like, start dancing on tables or anything, we’re good.”

  Sylvie and Felicity arrive, and Sylvie hands me a drink. I introduce them to Jordy, and soon we’re all dancing and I’m pushing every last thought of Spencer to the back of my mind. I lose myself in the music once more, moving through the crowd to dance with different people, and posing for pictures with friends. Eventually, I end up in a loose circle with Louisa, Hollie, Evie, and Jordy. Leland and Fergus vacated the dance floor awhile ago in favor of sitting with Wesley while he does his DJ thing.

  Stella glances at my empty hands and makes the universal sign for taking a drink, eyebrows raised in question. I’m feeling pleasantly buzzed while still being aware of my surroundings and knowing I’ll remember every second of this night.

  “One more,” I say, and follow her when she heads for the bar.

  “I could have got it,” she says when she realizes I’m following her.

  “It’s okay, I need a break.” I flop onto one of the barstools and let out a sigh that ends on a groan. It feels good to be off my feet. “This has been the best night, Stella. Thank you so much for putting this together. All of you.”

  Without even ordering, the bartender sets a Manhattan in front of me and a beer in front of Stella. We thank him and toast each other before sipping our drinks.

  “I’m glad you’re having fun,” she says. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you let loose like you have tonight.”

  “I can’t even remember the last time I did. Not gonna lie, I needed it.”

  “Here, here.” Stella taps her glass against mine again. She peers at me over the rim, her eyes narrowing slightly. “I couldn’t help but notice a rather intimate moment between you and Spencer earlier. It seemed…fraught.”

  Silly me, thinking nobody had noticed. “Fraught is a very good word.” At the sound of laughter behind us, I turn to see Wesley, Leland, and Fergus still in their little cluster. Wes and Leland’s heads are thrown back in laughter while Fergus tells an animated tale. I turn back to find Stella watching them with a small, affectionate smile. An unbidden wave of envy washes over me. I’m so happy for Evie and Stella, and I love Wesley and Leland, but watching my friends pair off hasn’t exactly been easy.

  I obviously knew it would happen eventually, and we’ve all had relationships—Stella was even married until earlier this year—but this feels different. I hope it’s different, for both their sakes. I want Wes and Leland to be forever loves for Evie and Stella, to be permanent fixtures in all our lives. Fergus too if Louisa could allow herself to see what the rest of us do: she and Fergus are perfect for each other and her crush isn’t as one-sided as she’d like to believe.

  “Did something happen with Spencer? Are you okay?” Stella asks.

  This doesn’t seem like the time or place to get into specifics. The music isn’t as loud here as it is on the dance floor, although we have to raise our voices to hear each other. Still…

  “I think Spencer and I are destined to remain in the friend zone,” I tell her.

  “Why do you think that?”

  “He keeps giving me all these mixed signals and running hot and cold. He’s been an amazing friend to both me and Jordy, and there are times when I feel like we could be more. Times I’m sure he wants more.” I don’t mention those times include three separate kisses and an invitation to spend Christmas in London with him.

  “And do you want more?”

  “I do. I’ve tried to deny my feelings for him, but it’s no use. When you guys invited him to my tea party last month, I thought we were meant to be in each other’s lives. We reconnected so easily, but now I’m wondering if our initial missed connection was a sign that romance isn’t in the cards for us and we should just be friends.”

  Stella makes a humming sound that’s nearly swallowed by a sudden swell in the music. “I wish I knew what to tell you, my love. I don’t have any answers, but I do know you deserve someone who leaves no doubt how they feel about you. You deserve to be loved—completely, unconditionally, and forever. You deserve the very best, Hollie Anne Matheson.”

  There’s so much I could say to that, but my throat is too tight with emotion, and my feet are itching to get back on the dance floor. The night is almost over, and I want to enjoy every last minute of it with the people I love most.

  I hop up from the barstool and throw my arms around Stella. The movement nearly knocks her off her stool, so she clings to me, both of us giggling. It feels good—the laughter and the bone-crushing hug.

  “I love you so much,” I tell her. “Now let’s go end the night on the dance floor.”

  *****

  “Okay, dancing queen—”

  “Young and sweet, only seventeen,” I cut in, dragging out the note on the last word. “Well, times two. Plus one.”

  Jordy laughs, shaking her head. “Doesn’t roll off the tongue as well as the original, does it?”

  After another hour of singing and dancing at Connelly’s—and my ‘one more drink’ turning into yet another ‘one more drink’—Fergus offered to drive Jordy and me home. The two of them are now standing at the passenger door of Fergus’s car, waiting for me to get out, but my legs don’t seem to be working after all that dancing.

  “All right, lass, here we go.” Fergus ducks into the car and circles one arm around me before gently pulling me out of the car.