I sat up straighter. "If you want me to stay calm, spit it out."

  "Imani met with him yesterday."

  My heart raced. "What?" Shit. Bugger. Fuck.

  "Did he hurt her? Did she go somewhere with him after?"

  "No. She went to the police after they met, and then she got into a minicab. I can investigate where it took her if you want."

  I ground my teeth. I’d promised I would give her space, but I needed to know if she was bloody okay, so when I couldn’t find her, I put Garett on it for my own peace of mind, even though I knew she wouldn't want that. “Details.”

  "After the meeting with him, he tried to get handsy, followed her, and pulled her into an alley."

  It was amazing how quickly the rage flickered to life, never far from the surface, never really gone, just slightly diminished. But it flared to life quickly like hot embers with just enough oxygen. "Where is he now?"

  Garett sighed. "Xan, I'd follow you anywhere, but this is a fool's errand."

  "Where the fuck is he?"

  He rattled off the address, and I grabbed my jacket before he could even say the next thing. As I shoved at my elevator button, he talked quickly. "Police are already sitting on his residence. A restraining order has been served. She filed charges against him for yesterday’s incident and for a previous assault."

  Holy shit. She'd done it. She'd actually fucking done it. "Wow, okay. I'll be there in twenty."

  "That's the thing Xander. You can't go at this dead-on. Word already broke to the news outlets. They've surrounded his place. You will be seen."

  Fuck. "Jesus Christ."

  "I'll keep an eye on him. If things die down, or if there is a way to get to him, I'll let you know."

  I dragged my hands through my hair. I needed to fucking do something. Anything.

  Maybe I needed to call the doc? None of this shit was healthy. Fuck. Who the fuck was I in this situation? Unable to help the woman I loved, one who currently wasn't speaking to me. And I couldn't do the one thing she needed.

  She had gone to see him alone. Which was... How the hell could she do that?

  She wasn't alone. She went to see him in public.

  But the asshole followed her after. Had she learned nothing? Why hadn’t she called me?

  Not like you two are talking at the moment.

  God, I didn't know what to do. I had no idea how to deal with any of it. After another thirty minutes of indecision, I did the one thing I didn't think I would ever do.

  I called Dr. Kaufman. At first, her answering service picked up, and I was forced to leave a message. I wasn't used to believing in anything good happening, but within two minutes, she called. "Mr. Chase, I'm surprised to hear from you."

  "Well, I think I'm about to do something stupid."

  "I am impressed that you called me first. I have to warn you, if this something is illegal and you disclose it to me, and you haven't yet committed it, I will be forced to call the police."

  "Fuck."

  "Why don't you walk me through what you're feeling at the moment?"

  "I don't want to walk you through what I'm fucking feeling."

  "Then why did you call me, Xander?"

  Bugger. "Okay, I'm feeling angry. Impotent. Furious."

  "That's the same as angry."

  "Really, semantics?"

  "I'm just asking you to be specific."

  "Fine. I'm confused. Hurt. Hopeless."

  "Ah, there we go. What happened?"

  Before I knew it, I was spilling my guts. I told her about how Imani went to meet Ryan... fucking alone. How the asshole had hurt her and how I wanted to fix the problem for her.

  "But you can't fix the problem because the news outlets already have this and they're staking it out?"

  "Yes."

  "I want you to think through it. You are angry about the media not letting you have an outlet for your anger."

  "Yes, why don't you see that?"

  "I do see it. I just need you to see it."

  I forced myself to take a deep breath. When that didn't really help to calm me down, I took another. And then another. When I was finally calm enough, I ground my teeth. "My anger won't solve anything."

  "That's a good start. What else?"

  "Imani doesn’t want me running in to fix her problems."

  "That's very good."

  "See, doc? I can make progress." The problem with that statement was that I could still hear the anger in my voice.

  "So, about the doing something illegal part?"

  "No, I merely want to have a conversation with him."

  "Will this conversation involve blood?"

  I frowned. There were surely a million ways to hit him without him bleeding. "Not necessarily."

  Her chuckle was low and soft. "Xander, while physically assaulting him will make you feel better in the short-term, will it fix anything with Imani?"

  And there lay the rub. Imani wouldn't thank me for it. She would be pissed. She'd met with him. I had no idea why. But if I knew her at all, I suspected she was drawing her line in the sand. Refusing to be afraid of him anymore.

  Given the details Garett had given me, she'd been smart. She’d done it near the police station. And then when he'd grabbed her, Imani had filed a report, a restraining order, and a warrant to have him arrested, which was exactly what she should have done.

  Except, you weren't there to save her.

  "She doesn't need me to save her."

  I could almost hear Dr. Kaufman smile on the phone. "That’s it, exactly. So, if you went after him, would that action be for her, or would that be for you?"

  "Fuck. I hate you."

  "You would not be my first patient to say that."

  "Why do I feel like this? I'm not used to feeling everything all at once."

  "Well, when you repress your emotions for so long, when they finally find their way out, they're hard to stop. But you did the right thing by calling me."

  "You weren't exactly my first call."

  She laughed again. "But you did call me just the same. Because if you were doing something illegal right now, there isn't anything I could do to help."

  "Shit, so I should have done the thing and then called you?"

  "No, Xander."

  "I'm kidding. Jesus." I wasn’t.

  "How are you feeling now?"

  I frowned as I stared down at my jacket in my hands. The elevator door had closed already, and I noticed my feet were bare. I'd been ready to walk out of the house in bare feet to fix the problem. But Imani had already fixed it on her own.

  I wasn't a fan of these new emotions. “I feel deflated. I feel tired. I feel disappointed. I feel empty. Guilty. Sad."

  "Excellent."

  "You're happy I feel sad? What kind of quack are you?"

  "No, I'm happy you're feeling something. You went through such a long period in your life trying not to feel that you got used to that numbness. And now you're letting new emotions out in a healthy way, not in a way that involves you doing things that are harmful to yourself or others."

  "The itch is still there, doc."

  "The itch to do harm or the itch to go out and have sex?"

  I frowned because that secondary itch was there. But I knew whoever I slept with wouldn't be Imani, so I didn’t want that.

  "The itch to do harm. The itch for sex is like a constant hum. But it's for her. Not anyone else."

  "Excellent, Xander. See, you're really working through it. You're already making progress."

  "This is going to take a lot longer than I thought, isn't it?"

  "Yeah, probably. But the good news is you're doing what you need to do. It'll happen when it happens."

  When I finally hung up my call with the Dr. Kaufman, I turned around, hung my jacket back up, and texted Garett.

  Xander: If and when you find an opening for Ryan, don't tell me. Ever.

  Garett: You got it.

  Xander: Also, see if you can find Imani.

  Garett: Already on it.

  I could do this. I could be a better person for her. But I had to let her know I was trying and that I was sorry for the way I’d behaved.

  20

  Xander

  None of this was a good idea. I knew that. But I needed to at least say I was sorry. Properly.

  Unfortunately, Imani wasn't at the flat when I knocked.

  Garett had worked out that she’d moved out from Fe’s. Well, at least the building that he lived in, but he owned another place that was a block away. Smaller. Nondescript. The neighborhood was safe, though. The doormen were respectable but not overly posh. I behaved myself and didn't force my way past them, even though I knew they recognized me.

  When she finally came home, she paused as she rounded the stairs. "Jesus Christ. Xander, what are you doing here? Are you okay?"

  I stared down at my feet. If I looked at her for too long, I'd be so tempted to hold her. "Hey, I'm fine. I just— Can I talk to you for a minute?"

  She hesitated for a moment and then motioned for me to follow her up the stairs. When we got to her new apartment, she unlocked the door, stepping aside to let me in.

  The flat might be smaller than ours had been, but it was still homey. There were photos everywhere. Candles, throw pillows, and all those things that made a place a home. Made the place look lived in.

  "What's up, Xander?"

  "Listen, I—“ There I was, finally talking to her, and I had no idea what to say.

  "Do you want some tea?"

  I shook my head. "No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude, I just— All of a sudden I have no idea what to say."

  She tucked her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. "If it helps, neither do I."

  "You don't have to say anything, Imani." And then suddenly the words were right there on the tip of my tongue. But the fear was trying to pull them back and hold them in.

  I could almost feel Dr. Kaufman in the back of my head, hacking away at the chains. Then finally, I could speak freely. "I know you don't want to see me. And honestly, I probably shouldn't be seeing you."

  She frowned at that. "Okay, then what are you doing here?"

  "Sorry, that didn't turn out right. What I mean is that I'm a broken disaster. And you were right to leave. I've never taken responsibility for anything. I am selfish. And a pain in the ass. Demanding. I want what I want when I want it. And every time an emotion should even bubble anywhere near the surface, I jam it down. Until you walked out, I didn't realize that I haven't cared about anything for most of my life, besides Lex, anyway. And photography. But even where that is concerned, I've been closed off a little too. The way I’ve handled my problems, shoving down the emotions and how I feel about them, wasn't right. And that was no way to connect to any kind of relationship."

  She blinked rapidly, and I could see the shine in her eyes. I wanted to hold her tight. I didn't want to let her go, ever. But I held myself still. "I'm trying to fix some things about myself. I need a lot of work. But maybe if I do the work, and if you're still available when I’m done, maybe we can talk."

  She sniffed, the tears falling freely now. "I would really like that."

  I nodded. "That's all I wanted to say. I’m sorry I made you leave. We had so much—too much—between us. And none of that was going to make me better until one of us was brave enough to do something. So thank you for being braver than me. I should have respected your bravery instead of pushing you away."

  "You are brave. I wish you could see how much."

  I nodded. "I'm working on that, but there's a lot of work to be done."

  "Isn't there always?"

  I nodded. "So I'm going to get out of your hair. But um, just, you know, before I go…"

  She nodded. "Yeah?"

  "I heard about Ryan, and I'm so sorry."

  Her eyes went wide. "How did you hear about Ryan?"

  I should tell her the truth here, but we'd already made progress. "Let's just say I pay attention to what's happening in the news." Coward.

  She blinked. "Jesus. You saw that?"

  Be honest. No evasions. "And… I had Garett tailing him."

  She laughed and shook her head. "Of course, you did. I guess you tailed him for me?"

  I nodded. "Yeah. But I didn't do anything about it. I didn't go see him. I didn't go beat him within an inch of his life."

  She frowned. "Why not?"

  "Trust me, I wanted to. But I knew you wouldn't want me to. And I have already tried to ride in on my white steed for you one too many times. But you have your own horse, and you are an excellent rider."

  "Hell yes, I am."

  "But I’m always ready to help you. Just in case, you know, you're wondering."

  "Xander, you know I didn’t let you push me away because I don't care about you."

  I gave her a soft smile. "I know. If you had stayed, I would have destroyed you, and I would hate myself even more than I already do. So I'm going to do what I need to do, and you know, learn how to be the man you deserve."

  Then I opened the door and walked out. I had to, because if she'd said the words that were in her eyes, I wouldn't have been able to go.

  I would have stayed. I would have held her. I would have kissed her. I would have fucked her in all the ways I had dreamt of since she’d walked out. I would have made up for the lost time. I would have kept her in that bed, chained to me. I would have made it impossible for either one of us to think, to act, to stop. But that wasn't what either one of us needed right then.

  There would be time for that. In the meantime, I was going to fix me, as much as I could anyway. I'd already taken steps toward that. And I had to admit, it felt good.

  3 Months Later…

  Xander

  Things used to come easy for me. But none of those things mattered until I met Imani. For so long all I’d cared about was revenge, but now all I wanted was her.

  I inhaled the dry New England air. It smelled different than in London. Late summer heralded a slight changing of leaves that I knew would be stunning. I'd done a shoot in Connecticut years ago. But I wasn’t there for work. I was there for love.

  I'd never been so nervous in my life, but I had to do this. If she still didn’t want me, that was fair enough, but at least I’d given it my best shot.

  It was Imani who answered the door. She yanked it open with a half-smile, which contorted to shock when she saw me. "X-Xander. Are you okay?"

  I shook my head. "No. I'm not okay. I'm a ridiculously fucked-up mess, and the woman I love has been away from me for three long months. But I couldn’t be without her anymore, and I was hoping she'd be willing to talk to me." I also wanted to kiss her desperately.

  "Xander," she breathed.

  "I've missed you. When Abbie told me you'd left, I couldn’t believe it."

  "I wanted to help Ebony pack and spend some quality time with Dad and help him out a little." She inclined her head toward the house. "I don’t think I ever said thank you for what you did. He's been going to counseling. Stayed sober for three months." She shrugged. “It’s a start.”

  “That’s great, Imani. I’m happy to hear that.”

  I cleared my throat. I needed to say my piece so I could run back to the safety of my city. "I know I made a huge mistake with you. And I can't change it. My heart was in the right place, but it was wrong. I had no right to move you around the chessboard and treat you like a pawn. It's a bad habit, and I’m working on fixing it. I know I took away some of your strength, and I’m sorry for that." I cleared my throat and kicked at the welcome mat. "I, uh, also started therapy with Lex. It's been helping. I'm having fewer nightmares now."

  She reached out her hand to me. "Oh, Xander."

  I ached to have her touch me, but I understood she probably wouldn't want that. Her eyes shimmered, and it nearly broke my heart. “I just want to say that I love you. It was real for me in more ways than I ever knew could be possible. For the first time, I cared about someone besides Lex, and I liked it. You challenged me and made me mad. You were in my space, and I loved every minute of it. From the moment you asked if I was singularly an asshole or not, it's been impossible for me to get you out of my head. I love you so completely, and I'm sorry I hurt you. It was never my intention."

  "Xander."

  "Sorry, if you could just let me finish. I only want to give you what you want, but if you saw fit to give me another—"

  She interrupted me with a kiss, wrapping her arms around my neck and squeezing tight. The blood rushed in my head. She tasted of apples and cinnamon and her. I sank into it, holding her tight, not daring to believe this was real.

  When she pulled back, I was reluctant to let her go. She licked her lips. "I missed you. I'm so sorry. I just needed some time to think, where everything about my life wasn’t consumed by you. I was coming back in a few weeks, and you were my first planned stop. I was a little worried you might have moved on."

  Moved on? Was she mad? "I dream about you every night."

  “Xander?”

  “Yeah?” My heart dared to hope, and I stood perfectly still.

  “I love you.”

  All the tension rolled off my shoulders and I breathed a deep sigh of relief. “I love you too. And I plan on spending a lot of time showing you just how much.”

  21

  Imani

  Four Years Later…

  The first thing I felt was pain. My head hurt. Everything hurt, and something was in my throat. I couldn't swallow. Hard plastic. I started to cough, and there was a beeping sound. So loud. Why? Why was it so loud? And then something was dragging me down, holding my arms. I couldn't move. I couldn't open my eyes. Jesus Christ. Oh my God, my baby. Xander.

  The accident.

  "Mrs. Chase. Mrs. Chase, we need you to calm down. We're going to remove the intubation, and then we'll take the bandages off your eyes."

  Bandages?

  Another voice, a deeper one, said, "You don't have to do that. Don't hold her down. She won't like it. You're just scaring her."

  Xander. He is here. Is he okay?

  And then the plastic tube was removed, making me gag. Ugh, my stomach was swirling, and it hurt. But then the tube was gone, and I could breathe. Oh God, I had to suck to get air, and it smelled like Lysol had been sprayed all over the room.