CHAPTER 4

  She usually left out the front door since she parked her car in the driveway and not the garage like Larissa, but this time, Harlow decided not to go out the front and used the laundry room door into the garage, getting to her car that way instead. It meant that she had to open and close the garage door, but she had the code to it, just like she had the house keys and knew the alarm code and Larissa’s phone passcode, too. They knew practically everything about one another, and yet, they still didn’t seem to know much at all, which was always interesting to Harlow.

  They’d met at a school event through Larissa’s sister, who was a few years older, but they hadn’t gotten to know one another until Larissa had ended up as her TA in a psychology class during the second semester of Harlow’s freshman year in college. They’d been friends ever since, and while Harlow had always wanted more, Larissa had appeared oblivious and so focused on school that Harlow had never told her how she felt. Of course, she had technically asked her out a few times initially, but Larissa probably hadn’t even noticed any of that because Harlow hadn’t exactly been obvious about it, especially the first two times.

  “So, do you maybe want to do something later?” she’d asked the first time the day after she had finished classes and was no longer a student in Larissa’s section.

  “Um… I was going to head out to get something to eat. Do you want to come with me? I can’t buy you a drink because I’m nineteen, but we could still have fun,” she’d said with a nervous laugh the second time.

  “Larissa, do you want to go out with me?” she’d asked a third and final time about four months after they had met.

  “What?” Larissa had replied then, looking up from her computer. “Sorry, I just got an email. I wasn’t paying attention.”

  That attempt had happened when she had returned to school after the summer to find Larissa in the library, which had been Larissa’s home away from home back then. Larissa had just started graduate school, and Harlow had known that the woman would be busy with studying and teaching, so she’d stopped asking her out after that. Their friendship had been solidified, and after a year, she’d felt like she could finally put away her feelings. She’d had dates and girlfriends ever since, but none of them had made her feel how Larissa always had, and she was beginning to wonder if they ever would.

  It was true that the women Harlow had been with had always competed, in a way, with their years of friendship, and even in her most recent relationship, when she had thought she’d been in love, Harlow had known the whole time that if Larissa suddenly woke up and was interested in going on a date with her, she would’ve ended things with her girlfriend sooner. While she wasn’t sure if that made her a bad person, it didn’t really make her a good one. She deserved love, too, though, and there had been women who were interested in her and wanted to be with her over the years. Larissa hadn’t been one of them, unfortunately, having never expressed anything more than friendship to her, so if Harlow didn’t give up on this sooner rather than later, she’d end up in yet another relationship where she would just compare her girlfriend to her best friend, which wasn’t fair to anyone.

  She knew that, as much as she’d wanted to get out and have Larissa go with her, she also needed to have some time to herself, out of that house, to be able to think for a bit, so she pulled up to her favorite bar, which wasn’t one she had ever brought Larissa to just for that reason: to have her own space that wouldn’t have memories of her friend being there with her and Harlow having lusty feelings or even romantic, sweet feelings for her while she got tipsier and tipsier.

  “Is this stool taken?” she asked a woman who had been facing away from her when she’d first walked up.

  The woman turned around then, gave her a very obvious, long once-over, and offered Harlow a smirk in the end.

  “Well, my night just got infinitely better. Hello. I’m Ashlee.”

  The woman held out her hand for Harlow to shake.

  “Oh, hi,” she said. “Harlow. I’m not your blind date, if that’s what–”

  Ashlee laughed and replied, “No, I’m not waiting on a blind date.”

  Harlow shook her hand and asked, “So, can I sit?”

  Ashlee spun on her stool and replied, “Definitely. And Harlow? That’s a pretty name.”

  “Thanks. I’ll tell my parents you think so,” she said and waved the bartender over.

  “I was just here with a friend, but she met someone and took off, so I’m free,” Ashlee told her. “Are you waiting on anyone?”

  “No,” she answered. “Just here for a drink.”

  “Not for small talk or to pick up a woman?”

  “I don’t mind the small talk, but I didn’t come here to pick anyone up, no.”

  The bartender arrived in front of her and asked, “What can I get for you?”

  “Just a beer. That dark on tap, please,” Harlow replied.

  “Put it on my tab,” Ashlee added.

  “That’s okay. You don’t–”

  “Please, let me. It doesn’t come with any strings. It’s just a beer.”

  “It’s your money,” Harlow replied.

  “You’re really trying to give off the vibe that you don’t want to be flirted with, but I’m wondering if that’s an act and you’re playing hard to get, or if you’re with someone and not wanting to be tempted. So, which is it?”

  “You are really forward, aren’t you?” Harlow said with a little laugh.

  “And you’re really hot. Can you blame me for trying? I have a thing for a soft butch who drinks dark beer, and you fit the bill, Harlow.”

  “Soft butch? Really?”

  “Well, let’s see. Short hair that’s kind of tussled but not perfectly in place. You’ve also got that soulful eye thing going for you. Then, there’s the wardrobe, of course. You’re wearing a plaid shirt with some decent jeans that hug your ass but don’t necessarily show it off, and you’re rocking black Vans. Nails are short and kept but not exactly neatly.”

  “And that makes me a soft butch?” Harlow asked just as her drink arrived.

  “In my book, it does.”

  “And you are?”

  “Femme, obviously. Did you miss my heels?”

  “I wouldn’t even know to pay attention to them,” she said and took a drink.

  “So, you didn’t know that if you wanted to flirt with a femme, you could start by complimenting her very expensive shoes?” Ashlee chuckled.

  “Nope. Didn’t know that. But I appreciate the lesson.”

  “You’re really not interested, are you?”

  “In what, exactly? Flirting with a femme?”

  “Flirting with me. You don’t seem interested in flirting with me.”

  “To what end?” Harlow asked.

  “To the end where we’re in bed naked.”

  “Oh. Then, no. I don’t want to do that.” Harlow shook her head but smiled at the woman to help lessen the blow. “Sorry.”

  “Not your type?”

  “No, it doesn’t have anything to do with that. I’m just not up for it tonight. I came for a drink and to think a little, not to pick up anyone.”

  “And if I were here on another night and you weren’t here just for a drink and to do some thinking, would I have a chance?”

  “For just sex?”

  “Yes.”

  “I don’t do that.”

  “Okay. Then, a date?”

  “Where there’s sex after I buy you dinner?”

  “I can buy the dinner.”

  “If I deliver on the sex?”

  Ashlee laughed and said, “God, I like you. You just got hotter somehow.”

  Harlow laughed, too, and replied, “I’m not interested in anything tonight. I don’t know about another night, but I don’t do the just-sex thing. So, if that’s what you’re into, I wish you luck, but it’s not gonna be with me.”

  “Why not? Sex is fun. It can be really, really good. And it doesn’t have to come with a relationship attached to it.”

  “I have more fun and better sex when it is,” she replied and took another drink of her beer.

  “You and I are very different people,” Ashlee said. “My friend and I specifically came out here tonight hoping to find someone to take home. She got lucky. I’m still here.”

  “Maybe I should take my drink to a booth or something so that you have a better chance. If women see you talking to me, they might get the wrong idea.”

  “Actually, I think I’ll take off. There’s a club not all that far from here, where I might be able to find a nice soft butch to dance with me.”

  “Clothes off or on?”

  Ashlee stood, and as she dropped some bills on the bar, she said, “Hopefully, both. Enjoy your night, Harlow. I hope to see you here again soon.”

  Then, Ashlee left, but Harlow didn’t really feel like being there anymore, either. She finished her beer, tipped the bartender, even though Ashlee already had, and left as well. Driving back to Larissa’s place, she felt worse off than before she had left, and when she arrived, she went in through the garage door again, kicked off her shoes by the washer and dryer, and opened the inner door.

  “Hey, I’m home,” she said and realized right after that word had left her mouth that she wasn’t home.

  She was just staying with Larissa again because she had moved in with someone and it hadn’t worked out. Again.

  Larissa wasn’t on the couch or at the table, which was odd because it was only a little after eleven and she usually worked past midnight. Harlow walked down the hall and saw that Larissa’s door was partially open. She peered inside and saw her sleeping on her back, her closed eyes aimed up at the ceiling and one hand on her phone, with the other at her side. She smiled, knowing that Larissa had probably fallen asleep reading something, but she didn’t want to wake her by putting her phone away, so she walked into the guest room and closed the door softly behind her.

  This room had become Harlow’s second home since Larissa had received this house as a gift for her graduation. The closet had most of Harlow’s worldly possessions stuffed away inside it and nothing of Larissa’s. The bed technically didn’t belong to Harlow, but she’d brought her own bed set over once after a different breakup and used it. Larissa had just left it there for her, and now, she was sleeping on it as if they were permanent roommates. She couldn’t be roommates with Larissa, though, because it felt too real. It felt like they were a couple, and that meant that once again, it was time for her to go.

  She pulled out her own computer, set it on the bed, and after going to the bathroom and taking care of everything she needed there, she returned and opened it, finding the website she’d now used on several occasions. She entered in the zip code and a ten-mile range and hit the search icon, waiting a few seconds until the results appeared. Then, she was able to add in some filters and chose central air because she did not do well in the heat, a parking spot for her car, and an in-unit washer and dryer. Over sixty apartments matched those parameters, which was too many for her to look at tonight, so she added a price range filter and indicated that she was interested in one or two bedrooms but no studios and nothing bigger than two. She couldn’t find a filter for lease terms, but Harlow was ready for something long-term.

  She knew she needed to get over Larissa, but it would take her some time, and she was determined not to make yet another woman suffer through a relationship with her when there was someone else still trapped in her heart, so she’d be single for a while. A year-long lease would be her minimum, but if they offered eighteen months or two years, she’d take it. Harlow needed to stay put for once. It would do her some good to not move once a year or in with someone else until she was finally ready to say goodbye to Larissa.

  Then, there was a knock at her door, which scared the crap out of her.

  “Come in,” she said after a ridiculous gasp and closed her laptop.

  She watched as the door opened, and Larissa stood there, looking adorably tired as she pushed her glasses back up her nose.

  “You’re home?” she asked softly.

  “I got in about thirty minutes ago. You were asleep, and I didn’t want to wake you. Did you hear the shower or something?”

  “No. I just fell asleep with my phone, and it fell onto my chest. Scared me to death. Then, I realized what time it was and wanted to check on you to see if you were home.”

  “I’m here. All good. Just getting ready to go to sleep.”

  “With your computer?” Larissa asked as she sat down on the side of her bed.

  “Searching for apartments before sleep,” she explained.

  “Find anything?”

  “Not yet. But I promise, I’ll be out of your hair soon.”

  “You know you can stay here as long as you need to. I’m not trying to kick you out. I just can’t imagine you want to be here for too long.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “You like your own space. Besides, it’s probably weird, bringing women back here.”

  “I’ve never brought a woman back here.”

  “I know. I mean that it’s weird, so you don’t.”

  Larissa removed her glasses and wiped her tired eyes before putting them back on.

  “You fell asleep earlier than usual. I expected you to still be working at the table or on the couch when I got back.”

  “I didn’t feel well after you left. My head started to hurt, so I took a bath and tried to get to sleep early. A lot of good that did me, huh?”

  “How’s your head now?” she asked and shifted in order to place her hand on Larissa’s forehead. “You’re not warm.”

  “I’m okay. I already took something for it, so the headache is gone. Just tired now. I should get some sleep. Oh, and I hope it’s okay: I scheduled the first interview and reserved the conference room with your membership info.”

  “Yeah, that’s the point,” Harlow replied.

  “Can you be there?”

  “For the interview? Yeah, sure. Just let me know when, and I’m there unless I have to work.”

  “They’ll all be after your work. I want you to be there. This was really your idea, Harlow. I want you to be a part of it, but I also don’t want you to have to do any of the work, you know? I’m hoping it could be kind of fun for you. It’s not the going-out-to-the-bar-and-meeting-women fun, but maybe it could still be a fun thing for us to do outside of the house. I know I’m a pretty boring friend.”

  “You’re not boring,” she said. “I have fun sitting on the couch while you work and I watch a movie, Lou. I wanted you to go out tonight because I worry about you. That’s all.”

  “I know. I promise, I’ll try, okay?”

  “Okay,” Harlow replied, nodding. “Get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “I will. Don’t stay up too late,” Larissa told her. “I worry about you, too, you know?”

  When Harlow smiled at her, Larissa stood and left the room, closing the door behind her. Harlow opened her computer again and saw that there were nineteen results from her search. She’d start there.

  CHAPTER 5

  “Hi, Samantha. How have you been?” Larissa asked.

  “We’re in here,” Harlow told her and placed her hand on Larissa’s elbow.

  “I can’t say hello to Samantha and thank her for–”

  “Samantha’s busy. Right, Sam?”

  “Yes, busy. But it’s nice to see you, too.”

  “Thanks for the time in the conference room.”

  “You don’t have to thank me for that. Harlow begged until I–”

  “Okay. We’re going to the room now,” Harlow interrupted.

  “What is your deal?” Larissa asked as they walked down the hallway and Harlow swiped the badge that led them into the main part of the building that was members-only.

  “Nothing. Samantha is busy.”

  “She was literally sitting at a desk, staring at a computer.”

  “Yes, doing work. As someone who is usually staring at a computer screen doing work, you should recognize that for what it was: busy. Anyway, this is room E, which is the one we reserved, so you go on in, and I’ll get us some water or coffee or something. Want a snack?”

  “I’m okay.”

  “If I see them out there, I’ll escort them back,” Harlow said of the two people they were going to interview.

  “Okay. Thanks,” she replied before she pushed open the door and walked into the room that had been the best for the type of work they’d be doing.

  She’d been able to see the floor plan and layout of the room online, which had been very helpful because she hadn’t wanted to use a room with a giant conference table or a big dry-erase board. The interviews needed to be more intimate or, at least, less stuffy. In this room, there was a small round table in the middle and four chairs around it. There was also a thin table lining one of the walls that held things like the remote for the TV, should they need that, some tissues, and other odds and ends that looked as if people had simply left them behind.

  Larissa placed her bag on that table next to the tissues, pulled out her notebook and pen, choosing to worry about her computer later, and grabbed her phone from the side pocket. Everything was placed on the round table, and she thought about leaving the room to get her soon-to-be guests something to drink since she wasn’t sure if Harlow was grabbing the drinks just for them or for everyone, but just as she was about to do that, Harlow returned and opened the door, letting two teenagers into the room.

  “Hello. I’m Larissa,” she greeted the two of them and held out her hand to the girl with a blue baseball hat, which she wore backward. “Are you Murphy and Della?”

  “Murphy, yeah,” the girl said and shook Larissa’s hand.

  “I saw them out there, so I introduced myself already. I’m going to go get us all waters and be right back,” Harlow said.