Gabby might love Seth...but since when was love enough?

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  GABBY SAT IN the kitchen, Beau in her arms as she fed him the last bottle. Aiden and Andy lay in their bouncy chairs, looking at a ray of sunlight that reflected off the cupboards. Aiden kicked his foot, making his chair bob up and down, much to his delight.

  “You found something new, did you?” she asked him with a smile.

  Seth had left for work early; he was gone by the time she woke up, but he’d left a hot pot of coffee. Just like him, sweet to the last. They hadn’t talked much after last night, and her heart felt heavy. They weren’t supposed to get their emotions involved—they’d planned to protect against this very thing! And yet here she was, exhausted from a night of restless sleep and crying.

  The problem was, she was in love with Seth, and admitting it didn’t make it any easier. He loved her, too, but how did that solve anything? He was still racked with guilt over Bonnie’s death, his ability to be a good husband, his loss of his baby girl... He was still the same dear, sensitive, noble Seth who’d lost so much. And he’d never been hers.

  Outside, the sunlight sparkled off the newly fallen snow, and Seth had shoveled a deep slice through it. The tree limbs were covered in a mantle of white. It was the perfect morning, the house smelling like pine from the Christmas tree, and yet her heart ached so deeply that the festive touches around the house only made it hurt more.

  Maybe she could understand now why Seth had avoided it...

  Beau finished his bottle, and she put a cloth on her shoulder, then lifted him up to burp him. He felt bigger in her arms this morning, as if he’d done some significant growing overnight. She’d find out exactly how much the boys had grown at their doctor’s appointment tomorrow.

  She heard an engine in the drive and looked out the window to see Ted’s car. He had a bag in one hand and he looked hesitantly toward the house. Seeing her in the window, he waved.

  So he was here.

  Gabby opened the door as he came up, and she stood back to let him inside. Ted leaned over to kiss her cheek, but it was awkward and she felt his hesitation.

  “Hi,” Gabby said. “Come on in. The boys are all awake if you wanted to hold your...grandsons.”

  It felt strange to refer to him that way. Grandpa. Would they call him Grandpa Ted? She couldn’t bring herself to call him Dad.

  “Yeah, that would be nice.” Ted chucked Beau’s cheek just as the little boy burped, and he laughed softly. “Thanks for letting me come over, Gabby.”

  Ted put his bag on the table, and bent down to say hi to Aiden and Andy.

  “Here, take Beau,” Gabby said, and she handed the baby over to Ted.

  “They’re so handsome, Gabby,” he said quietly.

  “Thank you. I’m rather smitten,” she said, and she sighed. “How long are we going to do this polite banter, Uncle—I don’t think I can call you Uncle Ted anymore.”

  “Yeah, I get that.” Ted settled Beau into the crook of his arm. “I bet this whole thing has been a real shock.”

  “You could say that...”

  “Your mom told me how you found out,” he said. “I’m sorry it happened that way, Gabby. I truly am.”

  “Hank wasn’t the monster you all made him out to be,” Gabby said. And somehow, Hank still felt like more of a father to her than Ted did.

  “He wasn’t good to your mom,” Ted said firmly. “He broke her heart.”

  “I think maybe you did, too,” she countered.

  Ted sighed, but he didn’t answer that. So Hank was going to remain the bad guy in their version of things, was he?

  “Why did you lie to me, especially as an adult?” Gabby asked.

  “I...” Ted met her gaze. “I was selfish.”

  Gabby hadn’t expected that answer. She blinked at him, then felt suddenly embarrassed and dropped her eyes.

  “I know that’s not much help, but it’s all I’ve got,” Ted went on. “I’ve been thinking this over for days—how I’d explain it to you. Your mom wasn’t keen on letting everyone know the truth, and I understood why. But we have different reasons. I didn’t tell you sooner because...it was easier for us—Ramona and me. You see, when I cheated on Ramona with your mom, I nearly lost my marriage. And I realized that I loved my wife with all my heart.”

  “Really romantic,” Gabby said dryly. Craig had had a similar realization when his wife caught him cheating. What was it about cheating men who decided their love for their wives suddenly ran true?

  “I know how it sounds,” he said. “This is why we wanted to give you a better story. Your mom and I—it was passionate and burned out fast. It was filled with high feeling and little else. Ramona and I had been going through a lull in our marriage, and—” He stopped. “That’s personal. She wouldn’t like me to talk about that. But suffice it to say, when faced with a choice, I chose my wife. I love her.”

  “I’m glad you do,” Gabby said, shaking her head. “I’m not actually wishing that you’d gotten divorced. I’m just trying to piece it together. So it was easier on Ramona to lie to me, then.”

  “Partly, yes,” he agreed. “It was embarrassing all around. You can imagine how heartbroken you’d be if you found out your husband had gotten another woman pregnant.” He paused and color rose in his face. “And I understand that you were on the receiving end of something pretty similar, so I’m sorry. But from Ramona’s perspective, to have everyone know about the affair, about your conception—it was a hard time for her. In fact, I wasn’t sure she’d even take me back.”

  “So why did she?” Gabby asked.

  “Honestly? She loved me. I didn’t deserve it,” Ted said. “I swore to her that I’d live every day giving her reason to keep on loving me, and I’ve done that. I don’t take her for granted.”

  “Was keeping the secret part of the deal?” Gabby asked.

  Ted was silent for a moment. “At first, yes. But she also said she’d never keep me from being in your life. She said that if she chose to take me back, then she was accepting that you were a part of things. You were one of my children, even if you weren’t hers.”

  Gabby nodded. That wouldn’t have been easy, especially not in a town the size of Eagle’s Rest.

  “Does she resent me?” Gabby asked at last.

  “Resent you?” Ted laughed softly. “Oh, Gabby, you don’t know her well enough. No, Ramona is the kind of woman who knows exactly who to blame—me!”

  Gabby smiled at that. “If she and I knew each other under different circumstances, we might get along.”

  “I hope you will get to know each other better now,” Ted said. “If you want to, of course. I just—” Beau started to whimper, and Ted adjusted him, then he turned back to Gabby. “Are you disappointed—knowing the truth?”

  “Hank still kind of feels like my dad,” she admitted woodenly. “I’ve gotten used to believing that my father didn’t love me—”

  “Oh, Gabby...” Ted’s arms were full with Beau, but his gaze locked on Gabby’s with deep apology. “I loved you. I was at every single elementary school performance—did you know that?”

  “Yeah... I thought it was a little weird,” she admitted.

  He laughed softly, blinking back tears. “I tried to be a dad to you, even when I couldn’t tell you who I was. I really did try. I never missed a birthday, or Christmas, or Easter. Well, there was one Easter when I took my family to Hawaii, but I made sure you had a special Easter basket from—”

  “From my uncle Ted,” she finished for him.

  “I wanted to acknowledge you.”

  “Your kids—do they know?”

  “Ramona and I are going to tell them together—when they get home for Christmas. We wanted to do it in person.” He frowned. “I don’t know how they’ll react. They may need some time. But people need to know the truth. And we should have been telling them a long time ago.”

  “Is Ramona okay with that?” she asked.

  “Yeah.” He nodded. “And she wants to spend a bit more time getting to know you, if you’ll let her.”

  “I don’t know...” Andy was starting to squirm, and Gabby bent down to pick him up. She settled him on her shoulder and looked at those plump cheeks and bright eyes. “I’m still adjusting to motherhood, and marriage, and—”

  The words caught in her throat. Marriage. It wasn’t an actual marriage she was getting used to, but a sham. And she wasn’t sure that either of them could continue it.

  “I understand,” Ted said quickly. “I brought something for you...”

  He placed Beau back into a bouncy chair and reached for his bag, then pulled out a small, slightly yellowed photo album. Ted opened it and passed it over to her. There were pictures inside of Ted and her at different ages. The last photo was of him standing next to her at her high school graduation, Gabby wearing the blue gown.

  “And there’s something else.” Ted reached into the bag once more and pulled out a jewelry case.

  “You don’t need to—” she started.

  “No, this is important,” Ted said. He handed the box over, and she exchanged it for the album. She cracked it open to reveal a string of pearls.

  “Why?” she asked.

  “Our daughters all got pearls when they got married,” he said. “This necklace was actually Ramona’s.”

  “Ted, I can’t take this!” Gabby said.

  “She asked me to give it to you,” Ted said earnestly. “She always said that every woman should have a good string of pearls. She never knows when she might need to dress something up.”

  Gabby felt a lump rise in her throat.

  “We might not be a traditional family, Gabby,” Ted went on, “but you’re part of ours. And these pearls—they mean something to Ramona. So if you would accept them in the spirit that she’s giving them...”

  Pearls, the gift their daughters got when they married... But those young women would have married for better reasons than Gabby had. As far as she knew, Ted’s daughters—her half sisters—were happily married and living in another state. Oh, goodness...she had more family she’d need to adjust to, to navigate a relationship with. She doubted any of Ted’s four adult children would be thrilled to find out about their relationship to her... Which made Ramona’s gift an especially kind one.

  Gabby nodded. “Thank her for me.”

  “I will.” Ted smiled. “We’re proud of you. Both of us. You’ve made a good life for yourself, and you’ve married a good guy—”

  “Yeah, he’s great,” she said quickly.

  Seth’s boots sounded on the step outside and the door opened.

  “Is there anything else you want to know?” Ted asked. “I’m sure you have more questions.”

  “I’m sure I do, too,” she replied. “But I’m kind of overwhelmed right now.”

  They were silent for a few beats, awkwardness stretching between them. Ted seemed to be leaping into the role of father rather easily, but she wasn’t ready to be his daughter just yet. Seth came inside, pulling his gloves and hat off.

  “I should be going, anyway,” Ted said, rising to his feet. “We don’t have to do this all at once. I know this has been a shock, and you can call me whenever you want. We can take our time and talk it all out.”

  “I suppose so,” she agreed. “Thanks for coming by, though.”

  She was eager for him to leave. She had enough to chew over right now.

  “Merry Christmas, Gabby. I left some Christmas gifts with your mom, like usual.”

  Like usual. Gifts from Uncle Ted that were always rather expensive, and just a little bit left of her actual interests. He’d always tried too hard, especially for a godfather.

  “Thanks, Ted.”

  “Care to walk me out, Seth?” Ted asked.

  “Sure.” Seth put his hat back on and waited as Ted put on his. The men disappeared outside, and Gabby was left with that jewelry in her hands.

  Untraditional families could still wrap children in love and raise them well. Despite the mess, hers had managed just that.

  Gabby would find a way with her boys, but she wouldn’t lie to them in words or in actions. Her gaze moved toward the window where she could see Seth standing with his back to her, talking to Ted by the car. Seth was tall, broad, strong, sweet... Seth was ever so easy to love. A lump rose in her throat, and she blinked back tears.

  She knew what she had to do, even if it broke her heart to do it.

  * * *

  IT WAS A frigid morning, the wind brisk. The snow had developed a hard shell on top since Seth had shoveled that morning. They paused when they got to Ted’s car and Seth squinted in the bright sunlight.

  “I know this has been a tough time for your wife,” Ted said quietly.

  “Yeah,” Seth agreed.

  “And I don’t know what you must think of me,” Ted said. “But I want you to know that even when she didn’t know I was her dad, I knew it. I did everything I could to take care of her and develop a relationship with her, too. I didn’t abandon her.”

  Seth nodded. “That distinction matters to you.”

  “Wouldn’t it matter to you?” Ted asked. “Look, I wasn’t perfect, but I did my best by her. I didn’t leave her then, and I’m not leaving her now.”

  “It’s just a lot to come at her at once,” Seth said. “She has to erase all these stories she’s been told and replace them with a brand-new version. Those stories form you as you grow up, and to find out they were lies...”

  Ted nodded. “Yeah, I have four other children. I do understand that, and I feel terrible for my part in it.”

  “So, maybe just give her some time,” Seth said. He wasn’t sure what Ted was wanting from him—an explanation, some reassurance that she’d forgive him?

  “You’re the father my grandsons are going to grow up with,” Ted said. “You’re a good man to step up to that kind of responsibility.”

  “I’m trying, too,” Seth said hesitantly.

  Ted smiled weakly. “I want to open my family to her, but I have a feeling she’s going to be resistant to that for a long while. Don’t get me wrong—I get it. But she needs someone looking out for her. She’s not as tough as she seems...” Ted looked toward the house. “And this Christmas will be a hard one—for her and my other kids. I know I’m the one to blame for all of it, but... Christmas shouldn’t be about this kind of thing, you know?”

  “Christmas doesn’t seem to be any respecter of good timing,” Seth conceded. “Let’s just get through the holidays.”

  Ted was assuming Seth had access to her heart. Gabby loved Seth, sure, but she didn’t trust him to keep on loving her back. She’d been lied to one too many times by men like her father.

  “And if you need anything at all,” Ted said, “I’m here.”

  “Thanks.”

  Seth watched as Ted pulled out, the car disappearing down the drive. Then he looked back toward the house. He’d ducked out early this morning before Gabby had even woken up, and he was feeling guilty for that now. It felt like they’d said it all last night, but they hadn’t figured out how they were going to go forward yet. How would they maintain a platonic marriage when they were attracted to each other?

  And Ted was right—Gabby was going through a lot right now, and she needed his support. Whether or not they could be more than friends, he’d vowed to be by her side.

  He walked back to the house, kicked the snow off his boots on the step, then went inside.

  “How did it go talking to Ted?” Seth asked.

  Gabby was holding a white jewelry box. She put it down on the counter next to her. “He means well.”

  Aiden started to cry in his little chair, and Gabby squatted down in front of the boys, unbuckled him and picked him up. As soon as Aiden was in his mother’s arms, he immediately quieted, his eyes drifting shut. She looked down at the baby and tears welled in her own eyes.

  “I won’t lie to them...” she said, her voice shaking.

  “Me, neither,” he said earnestly. “We’ll raise them right.”

  “No—” She raised her gaze to meet Seth’s. “I mean, I’m not going to live a lie, either. They’ll only end up doing what I did—ignoring their own sense of what’s believable and what isn’t in order to believe me. This marriage—Seth, I am so deeply grateful that you’ve made it possible for me to get formula for my boys, but it can’t go beyond that.”

  “I think we are beyond that,” he said.

  “And we went through this last night,” she said. “It isn’t enough. Not for me, and eventually, it won’t be enough for you. It’s some halfway marriage where we respect each other a great deal, and our hearts never quite get their fill.”

  Seth swallowed. “I’m doing my best here, Gabs.”

  “I know. Me, too.” She smoothed a hand over Aiden’s head. “I think I should go back to Bea’s place.”

  “For how long?” Seth asked.

  “Until I can get a job and my own place.” She met his gaze pleadingly. “We can’t go on like this.”

  She wanted to leave. She wanted out. All those times she’d reassured him that he could leave if he wanted, it hadn’t been his escape route she’d been thinking of—it was her own. He felt like he’d been kicked in the gut, and he cast about inside himself, looking for where they’d gone so wrong. They’d agreed that this was going to be a lifetime together. But then they’d gone and fallen in love with each other.

  “Then stay here until you get that job,” he said softly. “You don’t have to leave.”

  “I do.” Her chin trembled. “If I stay, I’ll cave in. I’ll accept this...halfway marriage...and it won’t be a strict understanding between good friends anymore. I know myself. I want to be loved just as much as anyone else, and I’ll end up in your arms, and it won’t make me happy. I’m still the same woman who is drawn to all the wrong situations. And you can’t give your whole heart. We’ll make each other miserable.”