Nydia felt a chill. So was she. So were all fauns and nymphs. That was why they broke off their chases and hurried to the male and female barracks before it could trap them outside for some unimaginable horror. But she couldn’t say that. It would scare the child worse. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” She hoped. “But we’ll try to get safely indoors before it catches us.” She really hoped.

  “That’s good,” Woe said, reassured.

  Nydia stood and took her hand. “Do you happen to know where this gully ends?” Metria had said the child knew the general gist, but what was gist? It sounded like a bad taste in the mouth.

  “It goes into the Gap Chasm. We don’t want to go there.”

  Nydia strained her inadequate nymphly brain and discovered that she did have a vague notion of the Gap Chasm. It was a mile deep (whatever a mile was) cleft crossing the slender waist of the Land of Xanth. A six-legged land dragon patrolled it, gobbling up folk who got caught there. “Yes, we won’t go there. Maybe we should follow the gully the other direction.”

  “That goes to Castle Zombie.”

  And she knew of that too. It was where most of the zombies lived, or whatever it was they did instead of living. Zombies were truly weird creatures with rotting bodies and brains, yet somehow able to function in their fashion. “I think we don’t want that either.”

  “When zombies fall in love, it’s necromance,” Woe remarked with a naughty grin.

  But the shadows of small trees in the gully were growing dangerously, testing their strength. Soon they would become unavoidable. The nymphly party could not afford to dither long.

  Worse, the slanting sunlight was getting in Nydia’s eyes. She spied some cap-growing plants and was about to pick a cap to use. But Woe shook her head. “Those are gas caps. Wear one of those and it drenches you in gasoline.”

  So the dangers of the outside weren’t limited to monsters.

  There was a dreadful howl not far distant, as of a hungry creature looking for dinner. Nymphs were said to be quite tasty; their flesh was firm and flexible throughout, spiced by their constant celebration. Then the outline of a giant bird passed overhead, maybe a roc; fortunately, it did not spy them. This time. Heavy breathing came from one side of the gully, as of an approaching beast. There was a booming sound in the near distance, as of an ogre beating his massive chest. Indeed, they could not afford even a token dither.

  “Somewhere in between,” Nydia said urgently. “Somewhere safe.”

  Woe focused. “There’s a cave, maybe. It’s supposed to be safe for travelers.” She pointed out the direction. “It even has a spell warning off monsters.”

  “We’ll take it,” Nydia said, relieved. Monster was another unclassified threat they surely needed to avoid.

  They set off down the gully, wee-wawing back and forth to avoid the reaching shadows. Nydia could tell the shadows were annoyed by the close escape of their prey. Soon they came to the cave. The entrance glowed faintly from the light of magic mushrooms, and there was a plaque saying caveat. Below it, in smaller print, caution. no monsters allowed. The child’s knowledge was good. That was reassuring.

  They entered, discovering a comfortable chamber with cushions lying against the walls. Folk had been here before. To one side was an empty ram’s horn resting in a basket. Print on the horn said horn and on the basket said plenty. At the center of the chamber was a large stone cup filled with clear water. Print on its side said ein stein.

  “I don’t trust that,” Noletta said, ever the unwilling lady as she eyed the cup. “I think I heard of a Mundane with a name like that who was dangerously smart.”

  Nerine nodded. Nymphs generally were wary of smart folk. There was no telling what ideas they might come up with. They might even try to engage in philosophy instead of the One Thing. Awkward indeed.

  But suddenly Nydia was excessively thirsty. She hadn’t had a drink since leaving the Retreat. Impulsively, she let go of Woe Betide’s hand, went to the big cup, picked it up, and gulped down the water. It was delicious. She felt it suffusing her body, seeming to radiate out of her stomach and into her limbs and head. When it hit her brain there was a soft explosion of knowledge. She stood there, wavering as it manifested.

  “Are you all right?” Nerine asked worriedly.

  “I am fine,” Nydia said. “In fact, better than ever.”

  “I’m tired,” Woe said. She went to a cushion, lay down on it, and was instantly asleep. Apparently, that was a childish talent.

  “Are you sure?” Noletta asked. “The river water in the Retreat is safe to drink. But this is Outside. There’s no telling what magic might infect it.”

  “It’s Genius water,” Nydia said. “Akin to Healing water and Love Spring water. Suddenly I feel ten times as smart as I ever was before. Do you want a sip?” She held the cup out.

  Noletta shrank back, alarmed. “Nooo! It could infect me too.”

  Infect her? Well, maybe smarts were like an ailment to a nymph. Certainly they were not needed for constant celebration with urgent fauns. In fact, she realized that they could be a detriment. Smart folk were not inclined to do the same simple One Thing over and over.

  “You?” Nydia asked Nerine.

  “Not unless it untangles hair.”

  Nydia almost smiled. Humor was another largely unfamiliar emotion, and Nerine wasn’t actually joking. She set the cup down near a wall where it couldn’t get accidentally knocked over. “All it does is amplify intellect. I feel it working on mine.”

  “We’ll try the horn,” Nerine said. “It looks interesting.” She and Noletta went to the basket and studied the item. Nerine picked it up. “I wish …” Suddenly a stream of chocolates flowed from it.

  “That’s a miniature Horn of Plenty,” Nydia said, recognizing it. “Think of what you want to eat, and it will come out.”

  “How can you know that?” Noletta asked.

  “I am now much smarter than I was. Exploring the crevices of my own mind, I realize that there is a template from which the Stork Works prints the original minds of all humanoid babies. It surely saves them time and effort. Start with the prepared model and add details to match the family lines. That serves as the basis for the discovery of useful abilities like talking, reading, and learning. We nymphs never went to school as children. In fact, we never were children. But we can talk and read just fine. Most folk don’t really use such abilities. Some prints are flawed and don’t make the cut for normal human beings. These are relegated to other creatures, like the ogres, who hardly care for human qualities anyway. Some are sent to the Faun & Nymph Retreat, where they are given nice mature bodies. These ones are good for only One Thing, by definition: celebration. The fauns are there to enable the nymphs to practice it constantly, so they will be ready when a real man comes on the scene. Apparently real men are constantly short of celebration. But now we have escaped that stricture, and can become good for two, three, or even more things. We have only to take advantage of what is hidden in our templates.”

  The others were staring at her. “Are you crazy?” Noletta asked.

  “Hardly. I am, for perhaps the first time in my limited life, fully sane.”

  “Weird,” Nerine said.

  Nydia didn’t argue. That would be pointless, considering Nerine was a nymph. She was reminded yet again that nymphs were mostly body, hardly any mind. Just as she herself had been, prior to drinking from the Stein. “Now the question is why?”

  “Why?” Noletta repeated blankly. She was of course also a nymph.

  “Why make an anonymous nymph, a largely empty-headed creature, the protagonist of a significant story? She doesn’t even have a magic talent, as they don’t get assigned to nymphs. The only talent a nymph needs is to be appealing to a male for five minutes, often less. There are surely hundreds of other folk more worthy of the honor of being the main character in a novel, and far more capable of handling it. Why waste such an important role on a nymph?”

  Nerine and Noletta exchanged most of a blank glance. They didn’t follow Nydia’s question.

  “I’m not even very good at being appealing,” Nerine said sadly. “When a faun gets a good look at my hair, he turns away and goes looking for another nymph. One with properly swinging hair. Only when it’s thickly foggy, or I get caught in a shadow, so they can’t see me well, or there are no other nymphs in easy range, do the fauns want to celebrate with me. Even then they usually close their eyes so they can pretend I’m someone attractive. I have tried many times to fix it, but it just tangles again. It’s a curse.”

  “But what’s the point in celebrating at all?” Nydia asked. “The same thing over and over.”

  “It’s what we do. We know nothing else.” Evidently they were satisfied with that. They were truly nymphs.

  Nydia was already exploring another nuance of the template: background history. “The Good Magician exists to answer questions. He doesn’t like to be bothered, so he makes his castle hard to get into, but when a person does, he has to answer. He makes them serve a year for it, but usually it’s worth it. So the sensible thing to do is go ask him.”

  “Ask him what?” Noletta asked.

  Nydia reminded herself that the others had not drunk from the Stein. They were normal nymphs, not very smart. She had not realized until the present scene how limiting that was. “Ask him ‘Why? Why me?’”

  “Oh,” Noletta said, not really following.

  “So we’ll rest here overnight, then head out to the Good Magician’s castle in the morning.”

  “Okay,” Nerine said amenably. “Maybe he’ll know how to fix my hair.”

  Now Nydia joined the others in eating candy and little bottles of sweet tsoda pop from the Horn. There was something subtly different about it. Suddenly she figured it out.

  “Nutrition! These are not the usual empty calories that taste good but don’t really feed.”

  “New what?” Noletta asked.

  “Nutrition. What we eat and drink in the Retreat has none of that. It just tastes nice and fades out, not getting digested. We don’t really need to take in anything; we are sustained by the magic of the premises.” It was coming clear as she spoke, researching in her newly exposed template. “Because we’re not real people, merely mock-ups to entertain the eye and touch of passing men who have little or no interest in mind or character. But now that we’re outside the Retreat, we don’t have that convenience of inherent sustenance. Now we have to eat and drink for real.” She paused, chewing on the implications. “That will lead to consequences.”

  “Cons what?”

  “Consequences. We are going to have natural functions, the way real people do.”

  The other two remained blank. Well, nature would take care of it in due course.

  Sure enough, after they had gorged on candy and pop that had some actual substance, they began to feel funny in their bellies. Nydia took them to a private crevice in the back of the cave whose odor suggested its use, and showed them how to natural function. She gave them the real poop, as it were. They were amazed and not entirely pleased. Eating was fun, but this was messy. The liquid splashed on the floor and the solids stank. They needed to wash themselves off after. This ugh had been inside them?

  “We won’t speak of this elsewhere,” Nydia said. “Real folk don’t.”

  “We won’t,” they agreed, no longer as eager to eat or drink. Certainly not to natural function.

  “Which reminds me. Real folk wear clothing. We must now do the same.”

  “We must?” one of them asked.

  “Real folk are embarrassed to expose their bare bodies in public. We need to be mistaken for them, so folk don’t assume we are still good for only the One Thing.”

  “Weird,” Nerine said again. But she was evidently picking up on the need, maybe even feeling the first tinges of shame. What other real-folk complications lurked?

  They foraged in the recesses of the cave and found a kind of closet with a collection of items. It was almost as if this Caveat Cave were here for their use. A literary device. That made her feel caution. She was coming to be wary of things that were too convenient. But was there a choice? She doubted she would ever again care to settle for being a creature good for only one thing. The Stein had spoiled her for that.

  Nydia had to research further in the template to discover the nature and purpose of the bra and panty. They existed to hold the more fleshy sections of the body in place so that the outer clothing fit properly. Also, she discovered, to freak out any men who peeked, temporarily stunning them until the threatened girl escaped. It was complicated, being a real woman. Over these hidden garments the three of them put on blouses and skirts or pants, finishing off with socks and slippers and even cute little hats.

  A section of the wall was shiny. It reflected their images. There stood three surprisingly normal-looking maidens. Nerine was garbed in green, matching her hair and eyes, and her hat concealed much of her tangle. She obviously liked that hat. Noletta was in a blue blouse and blue jeans, her nymphly proportions standing out impressively. Nydia was in an iridescent outfit which sparkled as she moved. She even had reflective earrings.

  “We look just like real folk!” Noletta said, amazed.

  “I believe we are becoming real folk,” Nydia said. “We should even have memories in the morning, now that we are beyond the range of the nightly Retreat memory-wipe.” But now she knew that real folk had souls, while nymphs didn’t. It was all pretense. That bothered her.

  “Weird,” Noletta said.

  “I’m tired,” Nerine said, much as Woe Betide had.

  They rejoined the soundly sleeping Woe Betide, gathered cushions, and settled down for the night.

  Even sleeping, Nydia discovered a new phenomenon: dreaming. A genuine night mare visited her, trotting right into the cave, bringing a dream of a terrible storm, the kind that the Retreat surely protected them from. The raging winds were chasing her, determined to blow her into oblivion. Plants, rocks, small animals, and trees were flying. She screamed, terrified, and woke shuddering. More novel experiences. The template indicated that dreams had meaning, but what could this mean? Then she found that some dreams predicted the future, something she had never before been concerned with. This was in her future? She decided not to tell the others.

  In the morning, they woke, rose, ate some crackers and cheese from the horn, and returned to the function section for more efficient performance as they gained experience. Little Woe, it seemed, did not have such needs, being a demoness.

  Nydia was glad to feel the burgeoning intelligence in her head. So it was permanent; sleep had not erased it. That should certainly help. Mere nymph intellects could hardly handle the rigors of the Outside.

  “We have decided to go see the Good Magician,” Nydia told the child. “Do you know the way there?”

  “Sure. Just follow the magic path.”

  She had answered the question literally. That was evidently another aspect of childhood. It seemed that nuances required time and experience to assimilate.

  “Please show us the way to the magic path,” Nydia said patiently.

  “Follow the crib.” And a child’s bed formed around her. It floated off the cave floor and then made its way toward the entrance. Woe, satisfied, went back to sleep.

  Nydia was not completely certain about this, but decided not to question it. She and the nymphs followed the crib outside.

  They emerged into dawn daylight. There were no signs of the monsters of the night. That was a comfort. But was it really safe? Her new intelligence warned her that this might be deceptive. Xanth had half a myriad dangers, and more around the edges.

  However, the crib contained the demoness Woe Betide and surely knew a safe route. Nydia’s research in the Template suggested that the demoness Metria was extremely protective of her three aspects and did not take unwarranted risks. The landscape might be risky, but not the crib. They should be fine as long as they stayed near it.

  The crib moved briefly along the base of the gully, then started sailing up the side. It of course was not hindered by the slippery slope. Nydia got a flash of inspiration that lighted the region. Escape! She leaped forward and grabbed the back panel. “Noletta! Nerine!” she called. “Grab on!”

  They were a bit slow to understand, so she reached back to catch Noletta’s hand. Nerine caught Noletta’s other hand so they formed a chain of three. The crib hauled them all neatly to the top. Once there, they let go of it and each other. They were back on the surface.

  It was beautiful. The landscape rambled down to a pleasant forest near a field of flowers. Beyond was a lazily meandering river with white birds by its bank. What a delight it would be to go swim there!

  But the crib was moving purposefully onward, avoiding the idyllic scenery. That was surely best.

  In a surprisingly short time it led them to a path across the landscape, clearly marked by yellow bricks. There was a sign staying enchanted path, safe throughout. Exactly what they wanted. They stepped onto it, following the crib, and the tension of danger faded.

  The path went both forward and backward. Which way should they go? No need to ponder; the crib was already heading forward at a comfortable velocity. They followed.

  Soon they came to a pause. A sign said stop. pay troll. There was an arrow pointing to the side, where an ugly troll sat. Beside him was a sign saying a talent for a kiss. The crib paused.

  “I don’t trust this,” Noletta said. “He just wants to lure us off the safe path so he can ravish us or eat us or both.”

  Ravish. Another new concept. That could not happen inside the Retreat because all nymphs were endlessly willing, and they could not be attacked as prey. But the rules were different here. Ugly things could occur.

  “Exactly,” Nydia agreed. “The Template says the enchanted paths are safe, but rife with come-ons to trick unwary travelers.”