"And now wherever I go, that stork is close behind," Maeve concluded. "I can't let it catch me."

  "We'll take yew to the Good Magician," Wenda said. "He'll know what yew can dew about it."

  "The Good Magician!" Maeve exclaimed. "I have heard that name. Who is he?"

  "He is a gnome who solves people's problems, for a price," Wenda explained. "Yew have a problem. He will know how to make that stork stop pestering yew."

  "But I can't go outside by day! The stork is watching."

  "We'll hide yew. Make yew look like someone else. Knot a maenad. So the stork will knot recognize yew."

  Maeve began to have hope. "Not a maenad," she repeated.

  Jumper was impressed. Wenda truly seemed to care about other people, even spiders and bloodthirsty wild women. As a spider he had never really liked or disliked anyone else, but now he was coming to like Wenda more than ever. Friendship. That was an unfamiliar but actually rather pleasant feeling. If she was right, the Good Magician would solve all three of their problems.

  They worked on Maeve. Wenda sent Jumper out to harvest assorted clothing, while she worked on Maeve's wild hair. When Jumper returned with a pile of apparel, he almost didn't recognize the maenad. Her hair was now neatly coiffed, in the manner of a human girl, and she looked oddly pretty. He could almost understand why a human man might want to kiss her, if he could safely do so.

  When they added her clothing, she looked totally different. Her savage beauty was muted. Except for her teeth, which were sharply pointed, for tearing flesh. There seemed to be no way to hide those, unless she kept her mouth perpetually closed.

  Then Jumper found a wax tooth plant, and harvested an upper and a lower set. Maeve put these under her lips, and had a beautiful set of slightly protruding unpointed teeth. She couldn't talk very well with them in, but maybe she wouldn't need to.

  "We can tell strangers yew're very shy," Wenda decided. "And with those wax teeth in, yew won't bee able to bite anyone, if yew happen to forget. Yew can knot afford to act like a maenad."

  "Mmmph!" Maeve said angrily.

  "She's right," Jumper said. "You need to be nothing like a maenad. You must be a nice, sweet, innocent human girl."

  Maeve spat out her teeth. "And suppose a lout makes a move on me?" she demanded. "Wanting to get another stork chasing me?"

  Wenda exchanged a glance with one of Jumper's eyes. "Then Jumper may have to throw him away," Wenda said. "But meanwhile yew must bee a helpless maiden without a bloodthirsty thought in yewr dainty little head."

  "Growr!" Maeve growled, jamming the teeth back in. At least she understood the necessity.

  They settled down for the night, the two maidens sleeping on either side of Jumper, trusting him to protect them. He felt oddly flattered.

  2

  BRA & GIRLL

  In the morning the girls, getting along tolerably well, did their things and made ready to travel. So did Jumper.

  The trek along the enchanted path was routine. On occasion they passed people going the other way. Jumper garnered some wary looks, but his presence on the path indicated that he was probably not as dangerous as he looked.

  Near noon they paused by a flute tree that serenaded them with lovely music. Beyond it was a set of pear trees; they always came in twos.

  Maeve went to pick two pears. "And who might you be, wench?" a voice demanded.

  "Who are you calling a wench, stink tail?" Maeve demanded in return.

  Jumper and Wenda got over there in a hurry. The other person was a harpy, part bird, part woman, perched on one of the twin branches of the tree.

  "We apologize," Wenda said. "We did knot realize it was yewr tree. We are merely traveling through."

  The harpy was only marginally mollified. "It is not my tree. I merely dislike being disturbed when I'm snoozing."

  "We will move on," Jumper said.

  "It talks!"

  "I was given the gift of tongues," Jumper explained. "Come on Maeve; we don't want to intrude on her nap."

  "Oh, I'm awake anyway, now," the harpy said with grudging grace. "Take your two fruits."

  "You're a harpy," Wenda said. "Why are yew knot swearing?"

  "I am a high brow harpy," she replied, raising her brows. "I don't use fowl language."

  "A high brow harpy," Maeve said, shaking her head. "I never heard of that."

  "Naturally not."

  Maeve bridled. "Is that a cut, birdbrain?"

  The harpy eyed her scathingly. "That depends on whether you have the wit to appreciate it, floozy."

  Maeve made a growling sound as she ripped out her false teeth to expose the gleaming pointed ones. But both Wenda and Jumper dived in to separate the two. "Let's exchange introductions," Wenda said, desperately changing the subject as she shoved a juicy pear at Maeve. "I am Wenda Woodwife."

  "A woodwife! But you look rounded."

  "My friend Jumper here helped fill me out with cloth and webbing. I really am hollow. And this is Maeve Maenad."

  "A maenad! In clothing?"

  "What's it to you, featherface?" Maeve demanded.

  The harpy inspected her more closely. "Those teeth. You are a maenad. In that case you're no vapid nymph, but a savage creature to be respected. We harpies have long admired the viciousness of the maenads."

  "Is that an apology?" Maeve demanded.

  "It resembles one. I am Haughty Harpy."

  "We are glad to meet yew," Wenda said quickly.

  The harpy inspected the three of them. "Pardon my curiosity, but why would a hollow woodwife, a bloodthirsty maenad, and a giant spider be traveling together peacefully? You should be trying to consume or squish each other."

  "Oh, we woodn't care to burden yew with our problems," Wenda said.

  "Unfortunately for me, I am atypical of my species in that I am a curious bird. Suppose we exchange problems? That is, information on them."

  Wenda looked at Jumper. "I suppose a harpy woodn't be eager to bruit secrets about, wood she?"

  Jumper didn't know anything about harpies, so he temporized. "Maybe not if she had a secret of her own she didn't want shared."

  "Exchange of hostages," Maeve said, replacing her wax teeth now that she had finished demolishing her pear and wasn't about to tear the harpy apart.

  "Fair enough," Haughty said. "I will show you mine if you show me yours."

  "Agreed," Jumper said, now curious about her secret. The two girls nodded.

  "Harpies have half talents," Haughty said. "We can't use them well unless we find and cooperate with folk of other species who have the other halves. Since we hate to cooperate with anyone, even other harpies, this renders us effectively talentless. But sometimes our magic manifests anyway."

  She paused, because her paragraph had ended. Then a new paragraph arrived, neatly enclosed in quote marks, and she resumed.

  "Mine is, of course, obnoxious. It is that I change at times to my alter ego, Hottie Harpie, who is all the things I'm not, but definitely not my better half. She seeks males of either the avian or mammalian persuasions, and shamelessly seduces them. I hate that, because of course if she catches the stork's attention on her watch, that stork will in due course seek me on mine. I hate babies! They bawl endlessly and are chronic bundles of demand. 'Tis a fate devoutly to be abhorred."

  "Yes!" Maeve said in the pause between paragraphs.

  Then another paragraph arrived, as neatly packaged as the first two, and Haughty had to continue. "So now I am trying to travel to the Good Magician's Castle, to prevail on the old f**t for an Answer to my Question, which is how the bl**p do I stop my worser half from being so obnoxious?"

  "I didn't catch that word," Wenda said. "An old what?"

  "Fart," Maeve said zestfully. "She actually bleeped most of it out. She even bleeped out bleep."

  "As I said, I do not employ gutter terminology."

  "You are one weird harpy!"

  "Thank you. Now I believe it is your turn, maenad. Why did you exclaim between paragraphs?"

  "Because I agreed with you, harpy. Babies are abominations. A stork is pursuing me, because of an embarrassing incident in a love spring, and if it catches me I'll be stuck with one of those howling blobs myself. So I'm going to ask the Good Magician to hide me from that nemesis."

  Haughty nodded. "You would surely make just as bad a mother as I would."

  "If not worse," Maeve agreed. It was evident that the two were starting to get along, having a basis for understanding.

  "And yew're going to see the Good Magician too," Wenda said.

  "But why are yew perching instead of traveling?"

  "Because the confounded path enchantment is out just ahead," Haughty said. "I am heavy-bodied for my size, and can't soar at great heights, so must fly from perch to perch near the ground. That's dangerous, so I follow the path for safety—and now can't. I am explendiferously p**ved."

  "Peeved," Maeve murmured. She seemed to have a knack for censored vocabulary.

  "The path is out?" Jumper asked.

  "You're not much for attention, are you, spider?" the harpy remarked sagely. "Yes, it seems that a sphinx lost its balance and fell, rolling across a section of the path and squishing the magic flat. So now nothing remains but a fuzzy indentation and a frenzy of hungry monsters lurking for trusting travelers. Until it is repaired, no one can safely repair across it."

  "But we need to cross it," Wenda protested.

  "Then you must wait, as I am doing, woodwife." The harpy eyed her. "By the way, I don't recall hearing your story."

  "It's a hollow one. I am fleeing civilization so as knot to bee made into a Mother Board, dodging village louts along the way. I want to bee a whole woman, knot half reared."

  "So your problem relates to males too."

  "Yes. Especially machine and human males. I am hoping the Good Magician will have an Answer for me."

  The harpy turned to Jumper. "And you are perhaps the strangest of this motley assemblage. What is your story?"

  "I was caught by a narrative hook and dumped into this narrative. I am hoping the Good Magician can return me to my natural realm."

  "So we are all going to the same place. Perhaps we could travel together."

  "Why should we let yew join us?" Wenda asked cannily.

  "I know a detour where the monsters aren't lurking. It's not really safe, but it's feasible."

  "That helps," Maeve said.

  "Let's take a look at that break," Wenda said. "Maybee we can forge across quickly."

  They went on along the path to the break. It was merely a flattened section, looking innocent enough.

  "I'll show you," Haughty said. She folded her wings and hopped onto the edge of the flattened area.

  A monster zoomed across from a hiding place to the side, jaws snapping hungrily. Haughty leaped straight up, spreading her wings and flying clear. But a winged monster swooped down, jetting fire. Haughty barely made it back to the safe zone.

  She had made her point. "We'll take the detour," Wenda agreed.

  "That passes the Bra & Girll," Haughty said. "I hate that place, because it's where Hottie goes slumming. But it's well traveled, so the monsters won't notice a few more people. We can loop past it and take the unenchanted path that intersects the enchanted one farther along. It should be routine."

  "It can't bee, or yew woodn't bee seeking our protection," Wenda said cannily. "What's the catch?"

  "Sometimes there are storms. Then folk have to stay at the Bra. It's really an inn."

  "That name," Maeve said. "Shouldn't that be Bar & Grill?"

  "It should," Haughty agreed. "But the proprietor has a problem with his Rs. They don't stay in place well. They tend to switch places with adjacent letters."

  "Even on the sign?"

  "Even there. Now it's established. It does serve good food, though. But I hope we can pass right by it. Because it would be better to be somewhere else when Hottie appears."

  They let her lead them on the detour. All went well, at first. Then there was a rumble in the sky. "Bl**p!" Haughty swore. "Fracto has noticed us."

  "Bleep," Maeve translated helpfully.

  "Who?" Jumper asked.

  "Cumulo Fracto Nimbus, the worst of clouds. He exists to rain on parades, wet on dry laundry, blow important papers away, and make a complete nuisance of himself."

  "A simple cloud?" Jumper asked incredulously. "I am not impressed."

  "That's his nature." Haughty looked around. "D**n! I don't see anywhere else to take shelter."

  "Darn," Maeve said, once again filling in the blanks.

  The cloud swelled ominously, evidently having overheard their dialogue. Jags of lightning radiated from it, and more thunder sounded.

  Gusts of wind rattled the leaves of nearby trees, getting the range. The first fat drops of rain spattered on the nearby leaves.

  They clustered under a spreading acorn tree, but the storm intensified. Colored hailstones bounced off the leaves and piled up on the ground.

  "I haven't seen those in a long time," Wenda said. "Fracto is really working at it."

  "To the Bra," Haughty said regretfully. She led the way, flapping ahead of them, pursued by hailstones. "Maybe Fracto will lose interest before nightfall."

  The others held small branches over their heads to shield them against the hailstones and hurried after Haughty. The storm hurried after all of them. A few stones caught them, but Fracto couldn't orient fast enough to catch them with the worst while they were moving.

  Maeve turned back for a moment to stick out her tongue at the storm. "Nyaa, fogface!"

  "You shouldn't have done that," Haughty said. "Now he'll never let us be."

  Indeed, the fury of the storm redoubled. The hailstones welled to the size of pears, bashing trees and ground alike.

  However, they soon came to the Bra & Girll, the sign exactly as described. The house seemed nice enough, and inside there was a bar for food and beverages.

  "Hello, Haughty," the proprietor called. "Who aer yoru firends?" He was a huge man, shaped somewhat like a spent volcano.

  "Hello, Crater. We are going to the Good Magician's Castle,"

  Haughty replied. "These are Wenda, Maeve, and Jumper." She was being careful not to identify their species.

  "That would be Carter," Maeve murmured. "It must be only one R per word that strays."

  Crater stared at Jumper, whose species could not readily be masked.

  "You look mighty big fro a spidre. Are you safe to be aorund?"

  "Safe enough," Jumper replied. "I eat bugs, not people."

  Crater returned his attention to Haughty. "They'er welcome, porvided they can pay."

  "Oh, s**t," Haughty said. "I forgot: Crater charges for room & board."

  "Spit," Maeve murmured.

  "Orom & broad," Crater agreed jovially.

  "But we dew knot have anything to trade," Wenda said. "Maybe we can move on."

  Maeve looked out the window. "Rain is blasting down outside. We're stuck."

  It was true. The window was awash with water, and thunder shook the inn. They would have to stay the night.

  "Maybee we can bargain," Wenda said. "Crater, is there anything we can offer yew in exchange for yewr hospitality?"

  The innkeeper looked at her, then at Maeve, who bridled. "Besides that!" Maeve snapped.

  "Besides what?" Jumper asked, mystified.

  "Never mind," Haughty said. "You wouldn't understand."

  She had him there. He had no idea what they were talking about.

  "Maybe if you explained?"

  "He was looking at their bras," Haughty explained. That hardly helped. After all, this was the Bra & Girll. Why shouldn't he look at such things?

  Meanwhile Crater was considering. "Well, I do have a couple house wrokers who would like to visit the Good Magician, if they could just tarvel three safely."

  "Workers travel there," Maeve murmured. She had become a general translator.

  "Male or female?" Haughty asked alertly.

  "Female. They'er nice grils. They make the beds, clean the oroms, peel potatoes, sevre the food, and so on, eanring theri keep while they wait. I think yoru big spidre might be able to portect them form molestation. Undrestand, they can portect themselves, in theri fashions, but that seems unladylike, so they hesitate."

  "Wrod ovelroad," Maeve muttered, frustrated.

  Haughty looked at Jumper. "This seems promising. Can we add two more to the party?"

  "Let's meet them," Wenda said warily. "Before we decide what wood bee best."

  Crater put two fingers to his mouth and made a piercing whistle. In a moment two young women came down the stairs.

  "Ladies, we may have a company to take you to the Good Magician's Castle," Crater said. Then, to Jumper: "This is Phanta, who can become a ghost."

  "In fact I have no choice," Phanta said. "It happens in darkness."

  This was interesting. "Why do you want to see the Good Magician?"

  Jumper asked.

  "To stop Gheorge Ghost from chasing me. He wants to lock me up in darkness to possess me forever."

  "The lout!" Wenda exclaimed.

  "He should be torn apart and eaten," Maeve agreed.

  "I have to keep a candle constantly burning at night, so I won't get caught. Because once I'm a ghost, I can't make a light."

  "You poor thing," Wenda said.

  It seemed Phanta was satisfactory. "You may come with us," Jumper said.

  "And this is Olive Hue," Crater said, introducing a greenish complexioned young woman. "She can make imaginary firends with eral talents."

  "Olive Hue? I love you," Maeve murmured. She seemed to have a talent for translation of any type.

  "Now that's different," Haughty said. "But why do you need to see the Good Magician?"

  "Because my imaginary friends are temporary. They fade out when my attention flags. I want a friend I can keep."

  "Can't you imagine the same one again?"

  "Yes, but it will fade out again. The Good Magician should know how to make them permanent, if I want them."

  That made sense to Jumper. He used several of his eyes to exchange glances with the others, then said, "You may come with us."

  "Vrey good," Crater said. "Welcome to my humble establishment fro the night."