I am getting old, seventy-three at this writing, and perhaps getting crusty in my dotage. I try to keep fit with exercise and healthy diet, but the maladies of age are creeping up on me nevertheless. I live in Florida, on our small tree farm, but never quite discovered the address of the Fountain of Youth. As I started writing this novel I was undergoing physical therapy for an inflammation of my right shoulder joint that incapacitated my arm. I couldn't even do my hair, which I have grown out since my wife is no longer able to cut it monthly; now it's over a foot long and I wear it in a ponytail. So I notice ponytails on men and women. In general the women have neater ones, though not always.

  When I wear my hair loose around the house, it warms my ears and neck; maybe that's its natural purpose. But I was unable to reach it with my right hand, and so for a few days my wife did it for me. One day she even braided it. Fortunately the therapy was effective, and now my arm is functioning again. It never interfered with my typing, which required only very limited motion of my arm.

  My wife had heart surgery. Technically, it was a replacement of an aortic aneurysm. That is, the largest artery in the body had swollen as it left the heart so that it looked almost as big as the heart itself. If it ruptured, she would have been dead in seconds. They set a new section inside, like filling an old stretched hose with a smaller tighter hose. The surgery was successful, and her slow recovery continued as I wrote the novel. I had already been doing the meals and dishes; for several months I did the laundry too. I also go with her when she leaves the house for shopping and doctors' appointments, just in case. We have been married fifty-one years, and we each do what it takes to make it work. But I no longer write novels at quite the rate I used to. It's a kind of payback; early on my wife went to work to earn our living so that I could stay home and try to be a writer. Otherwise I would not have made it. I have not forgotten.

  Those who want to know more about me are welcome to visit my Web site, http://www.hipiers.com where I have a bimonthly blog-type column and maintain an ongoing survey of electronic publishers and related services. The idea is to help make it easier for writers who are starting out and can't get the attention of traditional print publishers or literary agents. Writing is still likely to be a soul-crushing enterprise, but at least there is some faint hope.

  Now here is the list of contributors, in the approximate order of the use of their ideas in this novel.

  Flies in ointment, tangled web, running gag, fruit bat, soul food plant, draw bridge magic, rattler as baby ogre's toy, fish quartet, Ice Cap, Cocoa Nut Tree—Robert. Wood Wife to become Mother Board—James Patterson. Anti-streaking agent—Michelle Johnson. No Gard (dragon)—Dale Dellatore. Biting Wind, Headphones— Sondra Lynn Holzmann. Oxalate, controlling oxygen—Jordan Kirby. Maenad trying to flee the stork, Infectious laughter, Cooking up a storm—Heather "Heatherlark" Ennis. Keeping an eye on someone—Sara Cornelius.

  Inanimate objects hide in the last place you look—Aftyn Skye. Shield that protects a person too much—Joseph Gruber. Harbinger: binging messenger—Christopher Ward. Haughty Harpy/Hottie Harpie—Daniel Forbes. Phanta, who becomes a ghost—Erin Patterson. Olive Hue; who makes imaginary friends with real talents, from Pet Peeve—Tammy Yuen and Evan McCoy, with the suggestion to use her here by Lisa Nicole from http://www.alchemyunplugged.com . Gene Blue, with talent of making blue jeans—Sondra Lynn Holzmann. Jamie, who makes things heavier—Paul Michael Patnode. Portable section of an enchanted path—Jestin Larson. Hail Mary, Ro-boat, Quarter Pounder, Mountain Bike, D Tergent, the sticks, The Cate family—Tim Bruening.

  Cottonwood—Rebecca Fanning. Fen-fen—Rick Baker. Explosive Bamboo, Seal, Steel reaches out to take things—Ianus Stanton. Mercury Merman, who changes the temperature of water—Daniel Forbes. Talent of turning wine to water—Caitlin and Shannon. Talent of pushing water away from the body—Ian Doig. Talent of transforming his arms into anything, Para site—Anthony V. Eye of the Bee-holder—Todd Snowder. Talent: turn gold to lead—Michael Eddy. Miss Gesund-heit, who sneezes her head off—Nada. Auntie Depressant, who affects depression—John Urschel. The Burr Family—Davis Hunks. The Tard Family—Gordon V Pemrich. Ring Bear—Richard B Lively. Hedge Hog—Noah Hibbard. Porky Pine—Dallas Smith. Census Burro—Bev in Bellingham. Aukward bird—Ave Ornstein. Wall-rus—Carol Jacob.

  Pluto demoted by Demon bet—Daniel Colpi, Sparrow. Pluto reduced to a regular character, dating Dawn & Eve, Samantha—Zachary Smitherman. Half Jumper's legs positive, half negative, to straddle Internet and Outernet; Demon Pluto knocks out the cable—Misty Zaebst. Angie Ina, heart throb, drop dead gorgeous—Dexter L Davis. Talent of touching a picture and being transported there—Michael Lindsay. Bicycle in Xanth—Don Hallenbeck. Luters, who steal from abandoned music shops—Tom Marrin. Stretcher stretches user—David Smith. Curse of falling in love only with committed folk—Chelsea J Young. Hugh Mann, who can change the description of things—Della Mae Stouder and Brother Rocky. Moosical—Michelle Webber.

  Fiddler crabs—Moniqa Beatty. Jelly from jellyfish—Ariane West. Okra Ogre ogle riddle—Gary "Kaa" Henderson. Drakin: winged humanoid dragons—Dale Ashburn. C Duce the Cemoness—Tom Marrin. Sir puns—Mitchell Wooden. Sammy Cat and Claire Voyant have cat o'9 tails—Judi Trainor. Kitten Kaboodle—Michael VanderMay. Jenny Elf and Sammy Cat on the Lost Trail, Found Cabin, and contents. Dora and the spirit of Hope, Drums of Dole, Blue Funk-David Descham-pheiaere. Talent of Empathy—Jose "Jj" Valest. Flion—winged lion who can speak—Leonis Lelan. Conjured grape jam, Coven Tree—Jim Gandee. Anna Phylactic, with allergy—Deb Murray.

  Willie-Nillie twins—Jay Yates. Talent of Centaur Persuasion—Willie Pryor. Booby trap—Glenn E Moss. Ma-chine and Pa-chine—Caraleigh Daugherty. Sun glasses-Jeremy Leask. Little Foot becomes Doll Fin—Todd Ross. Coy koi—A DeKrey. Fat Farm, Bare Lake, Anne Orexic—Dave Thomas. Sati Sfaction, who can sense ghosts, Belial Sfaction, who can make dust creatures—Stefan Sanchez. Porkypine—Phil Giles, Katy Gaston, Noah Hibbard. Hook Up—Moniqa Beatty. Irrelevant—David D'Champ. Roger Roadrunner—Roger Vazquez. The Exception—Zachary Garrison Tieman. Show history of Button Ghost—Nada. Hemo-goblins—Dave Morgan. S R "Shep" Sheppard—Andrew Pilon. Conjuring a bit of the Void—Davis Hunks. Gin and Tonic—Malin Tirfing. Chocolate Kisses, Sage—Kerry Garrigan.

  Auspice—Jessica Gallant. Cook Book—Dakota Lorber. Aura Dawn—Chandra Phipps. Five remarkable children—Seva Yugov. Four-Letter Commands—Joseph Bauer. Oceana Rain Fields—Peggy Roberts. Diaper service in Xanth—Elizabeth Cember. Blending living and non-living things—Leslie Patterson. Twins who conjure things into or out of bottles—Joyce Yang. Talent of making self ill at will—Philip Bauer.

  I have dozens of puns left over, but tried to give first-time contributors their chance before using repeat contributors. A few that relate to characters who don't appear in this novel are also waiting their later turns. My cutoff point was the end of OctOgre 2007, so I could edit the novel in NoRemember.

  I wish all readers well, until we both visit Xanth again. There should be at least a little magic in every life.

 

 

  Piers Anthony, #33 Jumper Cable

 

 

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