(to the three)

  Those of you against the wall don’t practice in poison should think about that. Think about how that coulda’ been you rollin’ around on the floor. And about how one of the men next ta’ ya’ is responsible.

  Chris chimes in;

  CHRIS

  And I know who I got my money on.

  (to Joe Gage)

  Yeah that’s right cow puncher, I’m lookin’ at you.

  MAJ.WARREN

  (to Chris)

  Not so fast Chris. We’ll get there. Let’s slow it down. Let’s slow it way down.

  (to the three)

  Who made the coffy?

  Bob, pointing at the dead bounty hunter on the floor, says;

  BOB

  He did.

  CHRIS

  Yeah, he did didn’t he?

  MAJ.WARREN

  Yes he did.

  The Major thinks silently for a moment.

  They watch him think.

  Then he says;

  MAJ.WARREN

  (CON’T)

  Why is “The Hangman”, who’s got nothing on his mind except gettin’ this girl to the gallows, brewin’ the coffy at Minnie’s Haberdashery?

  The Little English Man points at The Mexican Man.

  OSWALDO

  Because his coffy was dreadful.

  MAJ.WARREN

  (to Bob)

  Really? Well ain’t that interesting.

  BOB

  (to Maj.Warren)

  You didn’t have any of my coffy, bounty hunter. So don’t be so sure about what this little man says.

  JOE GAGE

  I had his coffy. Wasn’t the best coffy I ever drank, but wasn’t nothin’ wrong with it.

  BOB

  If you want me to make a pot of coffy, all you have to do is ask?

  MAJ.WARREN

  Maybe… maybe… but it’s the stew got me thinking. When did you say Minnie left? A week ago?

  BOB

  Si.

  MAJ.WARREN

  See, when my mama made stew, it always tasted the same, no matter the meat. And there was another fellow on the

  plantation, Uncle Charly, and he made stew too. And just like my mama’s, I ate his stew from the time I was a whipper to a full grown man. And no matter the meat, it always tasted like Uncle Charly’s stew. Now I ain’t had Minnie’s stew in ’bout six months or so, so I ain’t no expert. But that damn sure was Minnie’s stew. So… if Minnie’s on the north side visiting her mama… how’d she make the stew this morning?

  Maj.Warren moves over to the cozy chair he sat in opposite General Smithers earlier. It’s covered in a blanket and a few animal skins.

  MAJ.WARREN

  This is Sweet Dave’s chair. When I sat in it earlier, I couldn’t believe it. Nobody sits in Sweet Dave’s chair. I mean this may be Minnie’s place, but this damn sure is Sweet Dave’s chair. If Sweet Dave did go to the north side, I’m pretty goddamn sure that chair’s going with him.

  He removes the skins and blanket that cover the chair. The cloth patterned chair has a BIG BLOOD STAIN on it.

  Maj.Warren looks to the room for a reaction.

  BOB

  So are you actually accusing me of murder?

  MAJ.WARREN

  Well Bob, it’s like this. Whoever’s workin’ with her,

  (meaning Domergue)

  ain’t who they say they are. If it’s you, that means Minnie and her man ain’t at her mama’s. They’re lyin’ out back there dead somewhere.

  (to Oswaldo)

  Or if it’s you British Man, the real Oswaldo Mobray is lyin’ in a ditch somewhere. And you’re just an English fella’ passin’ off his papers.

  CHRIS

  (to Joe Gage)

  Or we go by my theory, which is the ugliest guy did it. Which makes it you, Joe Gage.

  BOB

  (to Maj.Warren)

  So I take it you’ve deduced the coffy was poisoned while you were murdering the old man?

  MAJ.WARREN

  Yes.

  BOB

  Well during that whole incident, I was sitting on that side of the room, playing Silent Night on the piano.

  The piano couldn’t be further from the pot belly stove.

  MAJ.WARREN

  (to Bob)

  I didn’t say you poisoned the coffy. I said you didn’t make the stew.

  (to all)

  My THEORY is..… You’re working with the man who poisoned the coffy. And both of you murdered Minnie, and Sweet Dave, and anybody else mighta’ picked the wrong day to visit the Haberdashery this morning. And your intention was, at some point, ambush John Ruth and free Daisy. But you didn’t expect the blizzard, and you didn’t expect the two of us.

  (using the barrel of his pistol to indicate both him and Chris)

  That’s as far as I got. How am I doin’?

  BOB

  You’re a real imaginative nigger, ain’t you? So do you intend to murder me based on a far fetched nigger theory? Or can you prove it, cabrón?

  MAJ.WARREN

  It ain’t so far fetched, Bob.

  And it’s a bit more than theory.

  (beat)

  When did you start workin’ for Minnie?

  BOB

  Four months ago.

  MAJ.WARREN

  Well if you worked here two and a half years ago, you’da known all about the sign usta’ hang above the bar.

  Bob doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

  MAJ.WARREN (CON’T)

  Minnie never mentioned it?

  BOB

  No.

  MAJ.WARREN

  You know what that sign said, Bob?

  Bob doesn’t say anything.

  MAJ.WARREN (CON’T)

  It said; “NO DOGS OR MEXICANS ALLOWED”. Minnie hung up that sign the day she opened The Haberdashery. And it hung up there every day till they took it down a little more than two years ago. You know why they took it down?

  (beat)

  They started lettin’ in dogs.

  Bob doesn’t say anything.

  MAJ.WARREN (CON’T)

  Minnie likes everybody. But she sure don’t like Mexicans. So you tell me Minnie went to the North side to visit her mama? Well I find that highly unlikely… but okay—maybe? But you tell me Minnie Mink took The Haberdashery, the most precious thing to her in the world, and put it in the hands of a Goddamn Mexican? Well that’s what I meant when I said; “That sure don’t sound like Minnie?”

  Now I am calling you a liar, Senor Bob. And if you’re lying, which you are, that means you killed Minnie…

  Maj.Warren SHOOTS BOB in the chest, the bullet goes through him, EXPLODING BLOOD and GUNK AGAINST THE BACK WALL.

  MAJ.WARREN (CON’T)

  … and you killed Sweet Dave…

  Maj.Warren SHOOTS BOB AGAIN, BLOWING HIM BACK AGAINST THE WALL.

  Bob’s body does a bloody slide to the floor.

  Maj.Warren points his pistol at the face of the corpse on the floor that was once Bob.

  MAJ. WARREN (CON’T)

  And more than likely the driver of that stagecoach out there.

  Maj.Warren SHOOTS his pistol, destroying the face of Bob.

  Then the black Major brings up his smoking pistol barrel and points it in the direction of the two men left.

  MAJ.WARREN (CON’T)

  Three measly bullets… and there goes Bob. But that still don’t get us any closer to which of you two poisoned the coffy, does it Chris?

  CHRIS

  No it sure don’t.

  Maj.Warren crosses away from them…

  MAJ.WARREN

  Now one of y’all poisoned the coffy to free Daisy.

  .… and over to the pot belly stove.

  He picks up the coffy pot.

  MAJ.WARREN (CON’T)

  If I don’t hear a confession from one of you motherfuckers quick, fast, and in a hurry… I’m gonna’ pour this whole pot of coffy down that bitch’s goddamn throat.

  No response from Oswaldo or Joe Gage.

  MAJ.WARREN (CON’T)

  Okay, time’s up.

  He takes the coffy pot and crosses heading towards Daisy.

  Joe Gage shouts out.

  JOE GAGE

  Stop!

  Warren stops in place.

  JOE GAGE (CON’T)

  All right. I done it. I poisoned the coffy.

  Chris Mannix explodes;

  CHRIS

  I fucking knew it! You gonna’ die now you murdering bastard!

  While Chris Mannix rages at Joe Gage, the CAMERA drops down from behind Major Warren, from head to foot and even past that, through the floorboards to the basement below—revealing JODY with a gun in hand pointed up at Maj.Warren, standing directly above him.

  JODY

  Say Adios to your Huevos.

  He FIRES—the flash of gunfire momentarily lights up the basement.

  The bullet from Jody’s gun rips through Maj.Warren’s groin, exploding his balls. The Major SCREAMS like someone whose balls have just been shot off.

  CHRIS

  jerks his head around to see what happened.

  CHRIS

  Major Warren…

  Oswaldo quickly whips out a hidden pistol…

  He fires at Chris.

  The bullet rips into Chris. But he manages to get off a shot at Oswaldo as he goes down.

  Chris’ bullet rips into Oswaldo’s chest. He goes down.

  Oswaldo writhes on the ground at the wall, his chest burning with pain, bleeding profusely.

  Chris, too, is on the ground, trembling, bleeding—but still with gun in hand. He points it at Joe Gage.

  Joe Gage raises his hands in surrender.

  JOE GAGE

  I ain’t got no gun. All right?

  He takes his hat off and turns around, hands in the air.

  MAJ.WARREN

  Shot in the balls, alive, screaming in pain, unable to get off the floor.

  CUT TO BLACK

  CUT FROM BLACK:

  MEDIUM SHOT JESUS STATUE

  Same statue as before but earlier that morning before the blizzard. When the sky above it was bright blue and the snow capped mountains in the B.G. were at their most majestic, and BEFORE THE SNOW CANOPY overtook it.

  A six horse pulled stagecoach comes roaring past.

  CUT TO

  EXT—MINNIE’S HABERDASHERY—MORNING

  It’s the same day at Minnie’s, except early morning. It’s cold as hell, but the storm hasn’t hit yet, so the sun’s out and it’s amazing looking in 70MM SUPERSCOPE.

  A SUBTITLE READS:

  “Earlier that morning at Minnie’s”

  A six horse team led stagecoach comes roaring up to Minnie’s place. The same stagecoach O.B. noticed earlier, pulled off to the side. Up on the driver’s seat perch sits Two Drivers, ED (a big older shitkicker type) and SIX-HORSE JUDY (a young female Calamity Jane type, dressed in buckskin). Judy’s on reins, she pulls the horses to a stop in front of Minnie’s.

  A chubby half Black, half Indian boy wearing a winter coat comes running out of Minnie’s. His name is CHARLY, he works there.

  The two drivers up on their perch look down at young Charly.

  ED

  Hey Charly my boy, how the hell are you?

  CHARLY

  Hi ya’ Ed, hi ya’ Judy. How many ya’ got?

  ED

  Full house today, friend.

  CHARLY

  We got one in there waiting.

  ED

  Well he’s gonna’ hafta keep on waitin’ cause we ain’t got no room.

  CHARLY

  Well you need to tell Minnie. Cause he’s been here two days, and Minnie wants him outta’ here.

  ED

  Well I can’t give him a seat I don’t have—

  (interrupts himself, turns to Judy)

  Take the passengers inside, introduce them to Minnie. Warm yourself up. Drink some coffy.

  Judy jumps off her perch onto the ground.

  She looks into the stagecoach door window. Judy being from New Zealand speaks with a Kiwi accent.

  JUDY

  Here we are everybody, Minnie’s Haberdashery. Step outside, you and your friends can stretch your legs. When you’re ready, step on inside, get warm by the fire, get some coffy in you. I’ll introduce you to Minnie.

  Judy bounces into Minnie’s. We haven’t seen the four passengers yet.

  INSERT The DOOR HANDLE

  of the stagecoach door, turns. The door opens, the CAMERA PANS down to the Foot Step right below the stagecoach door. A Boot steps on it. Then Another, and Another, and Another. All stepping on to foot fall and out of frame.

  INT—MINNIE’S HABERDASHERY—MORNING

  It’s early morning at Minnie’s Haberdashery, the business part of the building just opening for business.

  Minnie herself is in the kitchen area. On this mountain the black woman named MINNIE MINK is a beloved figure. Everybody on this mountain knows her, and knows her Haberdashery.

  Sitting in his chair that Maj.Warren talked about is SWEET DAVE. He’s Minnie’s something. No one knows for sure what they are to each other. Rumor has it Minnie used to be Sweet Dave’s slave. And after Minnie got her freedom, Sweet Dave didn’t want to live without her. And if she’d stay with him, he’d buy her a place of her own, she could run anyway she wants. But that’s only a rumor.

  Sweet Dave sits in one of the two cozy chairs by the fire, playing CHESS with GENERAL SMITHERS sitting in the chair we first found him in.

  A pretty young black gal with an incredibly sweet smile is in the kitchen area plucking a chicken, her name is GEMMA.

  Judy sits on a table horsing around with Minnie;

  JUDY

  What’d ya’ mean no coffy?

  MINNIE

  I haven’t had a chance to make it yet, Judy. I just finished preparing the stew.

  JUDY

  Now Minnie, I’m not trying to tell you how to run your business. But I would think, coffy, would be the first thing you’d make.

  The FOUR PASSENGERS

  walk in. We only see their BOOTS enter Minnie’s.

  JUDY

  sees the Passengers, hops off the table to her feet.

  JUDY

  Come on in everybody, don’t be shy.

  Minnie takes one look at the four passengers, and says one word;

  MINNIE

  Hats!

  The FOUR PASSENGERS

  We see The Four Male Passengers. After Minnie yells at them, they all four snatch off their cowboy hats. Three of the four passengers are our old friends BOB, OSWALDO, and JOE GAGE. The FOURTH PASSENGER it would appear is the leader of the quartet.

  JUDY

  Everybody, this is Minnie, and this is her place. Behind her pluckin’ that chicken is Gemma.

  Gemma smiles at The Four Passengers.

  The Four Passengers walk further in towards Minnie.

  JUDY

  Nice smile, that Gemma. Now the fella’ in the uniform I don’t know

  (meaning General Smithers)

  but the one he’s playing chess with is Sweet Dave.

  (to Sweet Dave)

  Hi ya’ Dave!

  Sweet Dave waves from his chair.

  SWEET DAVE

  Hey Judy.

  JUDY

  And Minnie, these are the passengers.

  MINNIE

  Well that’s not good enough. Take away them rags, let’s see some faces, let’s hear some names.

  The Four Passengers lower the scarves that sit around their faces, smiling at the friendly black woman.

  OSWALDO

  Oswaldo Mobray, madame.

  JOE GAGE

  Joe Gage.

  BOB

  Bob.

  THE FOURTH MAN

  (smiling)

  And I’m Jody. It’s a pleasant surprise to find such a warm sanctuary in the middle of such a cold hell.

  MINNIE

  Well make yourself comfortable. Get warm by the fire.

  JODY

  We’re just gonna’ go warm ourself’s by the stove, if that’s all right?

  MINNIE

  Stove—fireplace—whatever. Just get warm.

  JODY

  Oh, and Judy said something about the best coffy in the world….?

  OSWALDO

  Yes I do believe Judy did say something about the best coffy in the world.

  MINNIE

  Well I don’t know ’bout all that. But I’ll tell ya’ what it is. It’s Hot and it’s Strong, and it’s Good. And in this snow it sure ’nuff warms your ass up.

  JUDY

  You don’t need to sell it, Minnie, you need to make it.

  MINNIE

  And you need to get your ass out there and help Charly with them bags. And get Ed in here.

  JUDY

  Yes, ma’am. But fix the coffy.

  Judy bounces out.

  MINNIE

  (to Judy)

  I’ll fix you!

  The Four Passengers warm their hands by the pot belly stove, and trade looks with one another.

  EXT—MINNIE’S HABERDASHERY—MORNING

  The two stagecoach drivers talking.

  JUDY

  I don’t know. Some old man.

  ED

  Well I don’t know what I’m suppose to do about it?