I’m so hard it hurts.

  She moans my name.

  I whisper hers.

  Her shoes are gone, her shirt. My fingertips dip into her underwear, and I freeze, wondering if she’s going to stop me, but her hipbones brush against my knuckles. How can something so simple feel so good?

  “Fuck.” I grip the side of her black panties and tug them down as she helps me, moving her legs, her hips. Shit, I won’t survive this.

  Her lips part, and she takes more of my mouth, my tongue. I plunder, I consume, and I have zero regrets as we deepen our kisses and go past the point of no return.

  I kick off the rest of my clothes, pushing her onto the bed, and then it’s just us, feverish skin pressed together, touching, feeling. She reaches for my dick, and I push her away. I won’t last if her fingers grip me. I want it more than anything, but I know my limits, and she’s pushing them hard.

  “One minute,” I whisper against her mouth and reach for a condom in my nightstand, thankful I don’t have to crawl over to grab it. It’s been a while. Okay, it’s been a super long time. My fingers shake as I tear into the wrapper, then slide the condom onto myself. “This okay?”

  She nods her head, her pretty, dark hair sliding against her face as she licks her pink lips like she can still taste me and is coming back for seconds. “I just want you.”

  “Thought you hated me,” I tease, trying to buy time before this is all over.

  “Hate. Love. Same thing.” She arches her back. “I need—”

  “Me,” I whisper against her mouth. “Remember, we’re just rehearsing.”

  She laughs. “Sure, rehearsing. Right.”

  “Makes it less terrifying that we’re possibly ruining our lives and maybe the group.”

  “No matter what,” she says, “the group stays together.”

  I respect her even more for saying that. “No matter what.”

  My tip’s close to her entrance. I almost want to pull away because I’m afraid of what will happen if I truly have sex with her, but she makes the choice for me by wrapping her ankles around my hips.

  The tightest heat I’ve ever experienced in my life embraces me, and I never want to leave.

  I’m hers.

  She’s mine.

  I pump my hips. I can’t stop moving.

  “Ryan,” she whispers my name. “Yeah, just like that.”

  Like I could stop. “Just tell me what feels good.”

  “All of it. All of you.”

  Fuck, I love my best friend for giving me this moment—giving us this moment—and turning his head because he knows how much rides on this.

  I can’t stop my body from moving as I thrust faster, harder. She’s screaming now, and we’re both fucked because Haneul sure as hell knows what’s going on in here, but I don’t even care anymore. I don’t. I can’t, not when I feel her clench around me, her thighs tightening, her body pulsing. Nope, I can’t.

  She’s mine now.

  Nobody else’s.

  “Ah-Ri…” I barely get out her name. “Why do you feel so damn good?”

  She flips me to my back in an impressive jiu-jitsu move that has me grinning against her, despite the fact that I’m falling apart—completely apart. “Because I’m yours.”

  “Mine.” I scrape my hands down her back. “Promise me.”

  “Promise.” Her lips part, and I groan, pushing into her one last time.

  She collapses against me with a scream, my name on a moan and her lips parted, her breaths coming in fast pants.

  I don’t even try to cover the noise.

  I finish after her.

  And I know in my soul that this isn’t the end. It’s just the beginning of us. Of this group. Of everything.

  And for the first time since my sister’s death, I think about my future.

  I smile.

  I’ve found my smile again.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Ah-Ri

  I can’t believe I just slept with my old archnemesis—I also can’t believe how much I want to do it again.

  I should have left right after. Instead, I stayed with him, in his room, in his arms, and I can’t find it in me to be sorry when I get up around five and try to leave the bed.

  Ryan pulls me back. “No.”

  He’s so warm. I want to stay. “We have practice and a freaking Showcase soon.” I yawn. “I have to at least get some sleep.”

  My body feels sore from him.

  I welcome it and finally pry myself away, then look over my shoulder. Huge mistake. He’s shirtless, basically naked, and all I see is smooth skin, a perfect body, and his ruffled hair.

  “Not fair,” I grumble.

  He leans up on his elbow. “What isn’t?”

  “You looking like a prince, lying there all sprawled out like a sex god.”

  “Sex god... Yeah, I like that way better than TD.”

  I burst out laughing, despite how exhausted I am. “That may be a favorite moment in my life.”

  He smiles. “Mine, too, but only because you stayed.”

  I frown. “Where else would I have run off to?”

  He grips my hand. “Will you do me a favor?”

  His eyes won’t meet mine. Oh, shit, is it already going bad?

  I nod. “Sure.”

  “Please keep taking care of yourself. Keep eating. Even if that means the whole pizza, okay?” His eyes are so intense that I’m a bit freaked out. “No matter what, please take care of yourself. Eat. Rest when you need to, and don’t read the comments when we debut.”

  “The comments?” I frown. “You mean online?”

  “Don’t read them. At least not without me. All right?”

  I’m a bit confused, though I know his sister died by suicide, so I nod my head and agree. “Never without you.”

  “Good.” He falls back against the pillows. “Now leave before I try to kiss you again.”

  “Okay, TD.” I laugh.

  He throws a pillow at me. I barely dodge it and grab the rest of my clothes. By the time I leave his room, I’m exhausted and, of course, approached by Haneul, who has a cup of coffee ready in a to-go cup and everything.

  His eyes appear concerned.

  I take the coffee. “Am I going to get the speech now?”

  “He’s still broken,” Haneul says. He’s wearing black sweats with a matching beanie. It looks like he’s been sweating, so he was clearly up running or working out. “But maybe you’ll be the one to find the pieces and put them back together.”

  “He doesn’t need rescuing,” I say. “Or fixing. Sometimes, the reason we lose the pieces is because we have to build something new.”

  Haneul stares me down and then shakes his head. “We should have been friends a long time ago if that’s the shit you can come up with at six in the morning.”

  I laugh. “Yeah, well, you’ve always hated me.”

  “No,” he says quickly. “I didn’t. Honestly, I liked teasing you because you were so damn cute when you got frustrated, so competitive. And you’re right, I’m a spoiled little shit so it entertained me, but I also, um…” He blushes. “May have had a slight crush on you. Don’t tell Ryan.”

  “Say what?” I shriek.

  He cups a hand over my mouth. “Don’t read into it. I’m over it. Honest. And no offense, but I think maybe your place is with the pieces you don’t see as broken but whole. Maybe that’s your role. And while you’re adorable, we’d probably kill each other.”

  I laugh. “Probably.”

  “Take care of him.”

  “And the group.” I nod.

  He curses. “Don’t even get me started on the group. We don’t have enough time, and we’re—”

  “Going to be totally fine.” I put a hand on his. “Just trust your group. We’ll work our asses off. Promise.”

  “I know.” He nods his head. “I know.”

  “Stay safe.” I wink. “And, yay, see you in two hours.”

  Haneul lifts his coffee cup. “I’ll bring more of this.”

  “Ah, you’re my new favorite person.”

  “Heard that.” Ryan stumbles out of his room.

  Haneul looks around me at Ryan, then back at me. “Did a fight break out that I don’t know about?”

  Huh? I look over my shoulder.

  Fingernail marks score Ryan’s shoulders.

  He looks down. “What?”

  “Sorry,” I whisper, completely embarrassed.

  Haneul snorts out a laugh. “Please. He’ll probably take a selfie just so he can stare at his sex wounds.”

  I wince. “Let’s not call them that.”

  “Nah.” Ryan shakes his head. “Let’s just never have any of these conversations again. I’m going to shower.”

  “See ya, TD!” I call.

  Haneul holds his hand up for a high-five.

  I laugh. “Solidarity.”

  “See? You’re perfect for him.” He winks. “Also, let’s kick ass.”

  “Agreed.” I yawn again. “See ya soon.”

  “Bye, Ah-Ri.”

  I barely remember getting home. I’m so exhausted. But I take a quick power nap and think about the guy I’m dating, my new group, life, and wonder how it will all work out.

  It has to, right?

  It just has to.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Ryan

  It feels like it’s been weeks since I had Ah-Ri in my arms, when really, it’s only been a handful of days.

  Our Showcase was moved to a sooner date, which means that all we’re doing is rehearsing day and night.

  I sneak in a kiss here and there, but both of us decide to put the group first, which is basically like daily torture when I’m dancing with her.

  I groan when we practice one of our numbers again. I envision pulling her sweatshirt off her body and then realize that it was a really bad idea when I have to excuse myself for a break.

  We talk every day, all night.

  I’ve never been more exhausted or excited to be dating someone, which is officially what I’m calling it. She’s my person, and the more I get to know her, the more I thank my sister.

  She’s clearly putting in a good word for me in the afterlife, right?

  I go to the restroom and splash some water on my face. The door opens behind me, and I look over my shoulder.

  “Ah-Ri?” I ask.

  She launches herself at me. We stumble back against the sink, our mouths fused together as we struggle to stay connected.

  “I missed your taste,” I say against her lips.

  Her moan goes straight to my cock. “I missed your body.”

  I pin her against the wall, and her hands immediately go to my hair. She scrapes her nails on my scalp, and it feels so good that I almost drop her.

  She reaches into my joggers and grips my dick.

  I flinch, so sensitive that I’m afraid I might embarrass myself when a stall door opens.

  I drop her on her ass but then immediately help her up.

  Her eyes are wide.

  Footsteps sound.

  One step, two.

  Shit, this is the end of us, isn’t it?

  Shit, shit, shit.

  I’m too busy losing my mind to realize who it is until he turns around and crosses his arms.

  “S-sookie?” Ah-Ri jumps a foot and tries to adjust her shirt while I’m frozen to the spot.

  Sookie calmly washes his hands, fixes his hair beneath his grey beanie, then turns to me, his expression hard.

  This is bad.

  “Break her heart, and I’ll kill you.” His gaze moves from me to Ah-Ri and then back. “And don’t let anyone find out, or you’re completely fucked.”

  “Aware”—I swallow, my throat dry—“of that.”

  “And maybe check the stalls.” He shakes his head. “Amateurs. At least meet with face masks on at a park or something. Not that I’ve ever done that…”

  I tilt my head.

  He laughs. “Oh, and”—he pats me on the back—”good to see you’ve got your smile back. She’d be proud.”

  I immediately want to cry.

  I want to break.

  My insides hurt, and my throat burns.

  And then Ah-Ri grabs my hand and squeezes it.

  “Thanks,” I say to him, but I also feel like I say it to her.

  “Sorry,” Ah-Ri whispers under her breath later once we’re walking back into the practice room.

  I just laugh. “Yeah, I’m not.”

  “I miss you,” she says as the music starts again, and Haneul and Jisoo start their dance sequence.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I say. “Promise.”

  She nods.

  And then we dance.

  We dance until we both want to collapse. Until every inch of our bodies hurts.

  Tradition has us all going back to the talent apartments, and, so far, we’ve been able to escape the media since Haneul and I are supposed to be on a bit of a break from things.

  Nobody but the label knows we’ve formed a group, so nobody’s waiting for a comeback.

  Little do they know, they’re about to get a debut.

  I break out into a sweat all over again.

  “No more stress,” Jisoo announces once we all finish eating at the apartment. “Let’s just watch a movie and relax. We have a few days before we fail, or, you know…do well.”

  “The countdown from hell,” I announce.

  “Soju.” Haneul gets up. “I say we sleep in, then work our asses off. But tonight…tonight…” He shares a look with me. “We become whole. A whole group.”

  I’m a bit confused why he said it that way, then Ah-Ri grabs my hand and squeezes it again, and it feels right.

  Hours later, and everything is spinning. “Sojuuuuuuuuuuuuu.”

  “Why are you yelling?” Ah-Ri bursts out laughing.

  “Because it’s a funny word,” Jisoo answers. “Sojuuuuuuuu.” She stumbles over her words, then grabs another shot and tosses it back.

  We’re watching Spiderman No Way Home.

  Haneul keeps asking questions, so we have to keep pausing the movie.

  “But why is there suddenly a multiverse that Dr. Strange doesn’t know about? I mean, he’s supposed to be the most powerful,” he asks.

  “How are you even able to have this conversation with that much alcohol in your system?” I throw a pillow at him.

  He dodges. “Dr. Strange has eshplaining to do.”

  “There it is.” I laugh. “But you were close.”

  “If I was Dr. Stranger,” Haneul says, not realizing that he no longer even has the name right, “I’d change time. Wouldn’t you change time?”

  I suddenly feel sick. “Yeah, I would.”

  “What would you change?” Jisoo asks, and then I see it click in her head. “I mean, I would probably change my awkward teenage years. Anyway, we should go to sleep.”

  She’s trying to get me out of answering.

  “Her death,” I say. “I would change her death. I would have done more.”

  The room goes silent.

  Ah-Ri leans in. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “He doesn’t talk about it,” Haneul finally says.

  “She left a note.” I pour another shot. “Not for my parents, but for me. She said she couldn’t do it anymore. She said she was sorry. And then she was just gone from this world, hopefully no longer in pain. At least that’s the way I like to think of it, that she was at peace. That she made peace.”

  Ah-Ri leans in, resting her head on my shoulder. “What was in her note?”

  I smile at that because even though it hurts, the note included something. I get up. “Be right back.”

  The room is still quiet when I return and put the note on the table.

  Everyone stares at it.

  Finally, Ah-Ri grabs it and starts to read, her eyes moving back and forth as she mouths the words.

  “She wrote you a song.” A tear slides down her cheek. “And she told you to make a co-ed group called MXD. Her dying wish,”—more tears fall onto the table and collide with the letter my sister left. They probably mix with the tears I’ve already shed on that piece of paper—“was for you to do something brave. Because she felt like she wasn’t. Because she looked up to you. Because you were…” She collapses against me, bawling. “You were her hero.”

  “I don’t feel heroic.” I hold Ah-Ri close. “I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m doing this for me.”

  “No.” Ah-Ri sobs. “You’re doing this for her. And even if that means that you’re doing it for you, that’s still okay.”

  “My parents don’t know everything,” I confess. “They think I just want to form a group. To be famous, to be more. To distract myself.”

  “It is a distraction,” Haneul says. “But it’s a worthy one.”

  I nod.

  Jisoo’s been silent this entire time. With shaking fingers, she grabs the piece of paper and starts to cry silently. I’m shocked that she’s so moved until she starts to talk.

  “A girl, another trainee, was bullying me. Sari was my hero that day, she stood up for me. Told the girl to back off. Sometimes when I was sad, she’d share her lunch with me or encourage me. I know she was tired, but she was my inspiration.” Her eyes meet mine. “I told myself I would be just like her one day with other trainees. That I’d help encourage rather than compete.”

  “That was her.” I can barely find my voice. “She was the best.”

  The room falls silent.

  Finally, Haneul stands. “Well, I think we finally have a real group name then.”

  I jerk my head up. “What?”

  “MXD.” He holds out his hand. “I say we change from MNE to MXD.”

  Ah-Ri stands and puts hers on top of his, followed by Jisoo. Finally, I place my shaking hand on theirs.

  “Now, it’s real.” Haneul nods. “And we know what other song we debut with.”

  “Hers?” I ask, not sure I understand.

  Haneul shares a look with me. “It’s what Sari would have wanted. It’s her final message. It’s her hope. It’s our future.”

  I try not to cry.

  I fail as we all hug.

  And later that night, when Ah-Ri stays and holds me, I finally realize the pieces that I was so terrified to pick up and acknowledge, were the ones I needed the entire time.

  Maybe it’s through pain, bleeding, and suffering that you mourn and are finally able to look at the sunrise and smile.