He stills.

  Hangs his head.

  “Bad idea,” he whispers.

  “The worst,” I agree.

  He grips my wrists as if he’s going to push me away, then clenches them tighter. “We’ll either regret it all or—”

  “Die of happiness?”

  He laughs. I love the way it feels against my body. “Yeah, that.” He looks over his shoulder. “You ready for today?”

  “No. You?”

  He shakes his head. “Not enough caffeine. But we have to make this work. I can’t…” He stops himself and then sighs. “I have nothing after this. My sister was my best friend, my everything. My dad resents that I stayed in the industry after she—” His voice hitches. “After she lost her life to suicide.”

  My heart pounds in my chest. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Yeah. My family has money. They kept most of it private.” Sadness fills his voice. So much that I want to take it away from him—or maybe just carry it for him. “They said it was an accident. She fell from a bridge. She was a gymnast before trying to become an idol. She would never have lost her balance.”

  “She…” I lick my lips. “She jumped?”

  He nods. “She was depressed, had so many horrible comments about the first drama she acted in. Then her single didn’t do well, and she just…lost it. Decided that being in Heaven was better than being in Hell.”

  A tear slides down my cheek. “I’m sorry. I had no idea…”

  “It’s not okay. I’m not going to say it’s okay because I live with it every day.” He turns in my arms. “Anyway, it’s one of the reasons I want to make it. Because she never did. It was her dream, and this is our last shot. She always talked about doing a co-ed group and how badass it would be. I need to do it for her. For us. For her memory.”

  I grab his hand. “Then we will.”

  “We will,” he agrees. “Or we’ll get laughed out of the label. But, yeah, we’ll try.”

  “It’s all we can do,” I say. “And while we’ve never been best friends…”

  He laughs.

  “Seriously.” I release his hand and smack him in the chest. “I’ll try my hardest to do her proud.”

  His eyes well with tears. “You have no idea how much that means.”

  He kisses my hand, and I wonder if I’m even worthy of being in this group. But I have no time to feel sorry for myself as we go to practice and sweat our asses off.

  Days.

  We have days to become perfect.

  It’s our last chance.

  And I have to remember that Ryan’s sister didn’t have one, so I need to make it work for all of us.

  And for her.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Ryan

  Practice is brutal.

  My dad’s been calling more than usual lately.

  I know that’s not a good sign.

  I finally call him back during my break and wait for him to yell at me. Instead, he’s quiet, which is almost scarier than his loud voice.

  “You need to come home,” he says. “It’s gone on long enough.”

  I roll my eyes. “Dad, I’m making money, I’m doing good, we’re just in this new group and—”

  “Your mom’s worried. I’m worried. You’ve been on your own. You haven’t even visited your sister’s—”

  “Dad.” Tears well in my eyes. “I’m not ready for that.”

  There will never be a day when I will be ready for that. Not now. Not ever. It hurts too much. I press a hand to my chest and tell myself to breathe.

  “You’re not mourning.”

  “I mourn every fucking day!” I yell and then feel like shit because I know he is, too. “Just give me some more time.”

  “You’ve had time.”

  “This was her dream,” I snap, knowing that I have no right to yell at him like that and hating that the anger and grief swirl together so harshly that I can’t tell what I even feel anymore. “Let me make her dream come true, even if she’s sleeping. Let me make her dreams come true.”

  “Son,” he rasps. “Don’t you know? She already had her dream come true. She had you. Her best friend. Her older brother. There is no doubt in my mind that she doesn’t already know the battles you would fight for her, the things you would achieve in her memory. But don’t let it take over your entire life. Years later, you’ll miss the time spent on things like this when it could have been with family.”

  I know he’s right, but still, it’s also my dream. It’s ours. It’s what we shared. And while I miss my parents, I can’t give up. Not yet. “I need to do this.”

  He’s even more quiet. “Then I hope you know what you’re doing and what you’re sacrificing to make it happen.”

  A relationship with my parents? Family? Everything.

  I know that.

  But I can’t stop.

  She wanted this.

  And so do I.

  I can still see her smile as she danced. See the way she twirled and asked if she looked stupid or pretty.

  She was beautiful. Her laugh haunts me when I’m trying to sleep. Everything about her haunts me.

  “Do you think I’ll make it?” she asks.

  I smile and reach for her hand. Her skin is so smooth. “You’ll make everyone jealous with how pretty you are, how talented. So, yes, you’ll make it.”

  Her gaze falls. “It’s a lot of pressure. Just yesterday, this girl was talking about how she went three days without eating. Her roommate finally gave her half a banana because she was worried.”

  There is always a dark side.

  I stare her down. “Don’t starve yourself. Don’t be like them. Eat your food, dance, work hard, be healthy. You’re perfect the way you are.”

  “Not to them.” She looks away.

  I know she’s talking about the keyboard warriors online. “Don’t worry about them. Just worry about you.”

  “I hope I can be strong like you one day.” She winks.

  “You already are.”

  She laughs. “Sureeeeee. Okay, from the top again. I have to get this eight-count right.”

  I play the song again and then again.

  She perfects it.

  And when she finally debuts, she looks like an angel—until she starts reading the comments on her Instagram and TikTok accounts.

  Until she starts believing the lies people who don’t even know her tell.

  I dance like shit the rest of practice and refuse to talk to anyone when we take another break.

  Haneul is in the hallway somewhere, and Jisoo is slumped against the floor, saying she needs at least a ten-minute nap if she’s going to be able to function.

  And Ah-Ri…

  I frown.

  Where the hell is Ah-Ri?

  I look around the studio and wonder how I can be so out of it that a person can just disappear in front of me.

  I leave, walk down the hall, and then stumble when I see Haneul almost pressing himself against Ah-Ri. They’re in a corner.

  She’s looking up at him, smiling.

  And he’s staring down at her like it’s more than friendship, even though I know it’s my own insecurity crashing through me.

  It’s like déjà vu.

  What the hell?

  He pushes a piece of hair from her face, and I immediately want to murder him. What’s he doing? He knows how I feel—or I guess he should know or assume or…shit. Have I even told him how deep everything goes now? Am I reading too much into this? Is it just a friendly interaction?

  “Hey,” I bark like I’m losing it. “We should probably get back in there.”

  “Oh, yeah.” Haneul gives me a funny look and then shrugs and walks off, leaving Ah-Ri standing there staring at me.

  I nearly growl as I back her against the wall.

  The door to the practice room shuts.

  I stare her down. “What was that?”

  She laughs and then covers her mouth. “Oh, you’re serious?”

  “Dead. Serious.” I press my hand against the wall by her head.

  Her breath hitches.

  And I do it.

  I kiss her, this time not caring who sees, even if it’s Haneul or Jisoo, even if it’s the CEO, even if I get into trouble. Because I can’t stop from feeling when I’m around her. It’s not some need to mark my territory—it’s my need to make her mine and make sure she knows that I’m not going to take the easy way out this time. I’m going to choose to love her, to show her as much as I can, even though I’m risking everything.

  Our mouths meet in a frenzy that has my entire body exploding as if I’ve just been set on fire. I don’t ever want to go back. I’ll taste her forever. I’ll die this way.

  With a smile on my face.

  She moans against my mouth.

  “Hey. Um, guys.” Jisoo’s voice sounds as we break apart. “We should probably do more practicing, less kissing.”

  I don’t even know what to say.

  Until Jisoo bursts out laughing and mumbles, “Knew it.”

  I wipe my mouth and pry myself away from Ah-Ri. “Sorry.”

  She elbows me. “Don’t be. I’m not.”

  Touché.

  God, I want to chase her down the hall and tackle her to the floor. Instead, I get to go sweat with everyone else when I’d really rather fucking sweat with her in my arms.

  It feels like years until we’re done with practice and back at our apartment, with both girls exhausted and starving. We order more takeout.

  “Look,” Jisoo says through bites. “If we just fix the lyrics on this one, I think we’ll be good.”

  It’s one of my favorites of the songs we have, and I think the concept could be really exciting.

  Haneul looks at her chicken scratch. “Actually, that works. It sounds more powerful if we repeat it.”

  “Yup.” Jisoo pats herself on the back.

  “So, what’s your story?” I ask. “How long have you been training?”

  Jisoo looks away and swallows her last bite. “Four years. I, um, I just don’t want to give up.”

  “Nobody does,” Ah-Ri says. “It’s mainly stubbornness, sadness, and starvation at this point.”

  Haneul laughs. “This is what I want to know. Besides the things we’ve already discussed, why did you always hate us so much, Ah-Ri? I mean, seriously.”

  “Good-looking boys,” Jisoo answers for her, “are always easy to hate because it seems like they have it easy. So…yeah.”

  “Plus,” Ah-Ri adds, “no offense, but both of you are super-rich. It’s aggravating. I mean, you don’t have to work hard, and could have easily just followed in your fathers’ footsteps. It’s both annoying and admirable.”

  “We choose to,” Haneul says quickly. “Which still means hard work and doing what we love, despite all the hate we get from our families for it.”

  I can tell Ah-Ri feels guilty. Her expression falls. “That’s true.”

  I nudge her. “No hard feelings.”

  “None.” Haneul reaches for her hand.

  I literally want to chop his off. Instead, I cough and look back at my food while Jisoo rolls her eyes and laughs. “Nice.”

  I ignore her and look down at my phone. “We have a few more days to perfect this. We should probably practice tomorrow again at seven or eight, then pray we don’t suck.”

  “Sleep.” Haneul gets up. “I’m gonna go get right on that. See you guys in the morning bright and early. Don’t stay up too late.”

  “Never.” Jisoo looks between Ah-Ri and me, her smile less shy. She gets up and yawns. “I’ll just be on my way.”

  “Yeah, same.” Ah-Ri stands.

  She’s clearly walking slower.

  The door opens, and Jisoo leaves.

  When it clicks shut, I swear I hear the entire room buzz with tension. I grab Ah-Ri from behind and back her against the wall, my mouth on hers before she can protest. The sound of Haneul in the bathroom has us moving down the hall.

  And then it’s my room.

  And it’s us.

  I slam the door shut.

  “Hey, man.” Haneul’s voice sounds. I gently cup my hand over Ah-Ri’s mouth, feeling her full lips against my palm. “I just wanted you to know, I appreciate you. I know it’s been a rough few years with your sister and with us trying to make this work.”

  Ah-Ri’s eyes widen. I can’t tell if it’s fear of getting caught or curiosity over what happened in those years, but I need to get him away from the room so I can be with her.

  I don’t think I realized how much I’ve been missing.

  Not until her.

  Maybe that was my sister’s last gift. An angel. One I can’t escape and don’t want to. One who’s willing to look at me like she wants to simultaneously strangle and kiss me.

  My sister always said that I needed someone who could put up with my shit one minute and then kiss me the next.

  I clear my throat. “Thanks, man. I appreciate it.”

  “I’m here for you,” he says. “I mean, if you want to talk right now, we can talk or something. I don’t know. Shit—”

  “NO!” I yell. “I mean…I’m good, just super tired. So, yeah, let’s talk tomorrow.”

  He’s quiet for a minute. “Are you sure? You don’t want to talk? I can come right in and—”

  “NOPE!” I say again, too loudly. “I just…I’m naked!”

  “You’re already naked? Is that like a line we can’t cross as dudes or something? Because I’ve already seen your dick, I’m not impressed.”

  “SHUT THE FUCK UP. IT’S IMPRESSIVE!” My voice actually cracks. I want to die.

  “Why are you yelling?” He laughs. “I’m just saying, dick is dick.”

  “But my dick is big-dick energy!” I say. “Right?”

  Ah-Ri’s eyes close, and she starts laughing against my hand.

  I’m officially murdering my best friend.

  “Errr, okay. I mean, I didn’t look that close. Sometimes small things are hard to see without binoculars, so…sorry.”

  “BINOCULARS?” Dead. He’s so dead.

  Is he doing this on purpose?

  Wait, does he know she’s in here?

  Ah-Ri starts laughing against my hand even harder.

  Cool, so both of them are dead.

  I glare at her.

  Her chest heaves from laughter.

  What the hell is wrong with the universe? I mean, how does a guy even get it up with two people mocking his size?

  “Stop laughing,” I mouth with a glare.

  She looks down, and then her fingers toy with my sweatpants. “Tiny?” Her mouth moves against my palm with the word.

  “I will murder him,” I say through clenched teeth. “Hope you can bail me out of prison.”

  “What was that?” Haneul asks.

  “Nothing! Just talking to my tiny dick!” I yell.

  He snorts out a laugh. “Cool, all right, see you in the morning, TD.”

  “TD?” I ask.

  “Tiny Dick.” He laughs harder. “Wow, this is so great. Oh, and good night, Ah-Ri! It’s been fun!”

  She freezes and then shoves against me.

  I stumble, then still. The looks in our eyes mirror the same horror.

  “You guys are the worst at sneaking around,” Haneul says. “Just don’t get caught by the label, all right? Right. Good talk. ‘Night!”

  Ah-Ri and I look at each other like: Is this okay? Are we fine now that he knows?—as if he’s our dad or something.

  I don’t know who moves first, but Ah-Ri is suddenly in my arms, and I’m spinning her toward the bed and praying to the universe that I have condoms because I need her, I want her, and her body sliding against mine is pretty much torture at this point.

  Again, good idea since we’re in the same group? Probably not.

  But I can’t stop.

  I don’t want to.

  Her brown eyes sweep up and down my body and then lock onto mine. “Will we come back from this?”

  “If it doesn’t work?” I say. “No. We won’t.”

  “So.” She steps back. “Let’s practice then.”

  “What?” I’m confused as hell, and my body has no clue how to cool down.

  “Practice.” She presses a kiss against my lips. “We have another music video to film, another song to do, so let’s just pretend. For now, we pretend.”

  “Pretend?”

  “As if we’re actors.” She sounds so convincing. “This is the role we play.”

  I let her slide away from me. She grabs her phone and puts on the next song on our mini-album.

  It’s a sexier one that we struggled to find the right concept for.

  She presses play.

  When she starts to dance, I think, I will always look back on this moment. This is where I lost myself.

  To her.

  To the music.

  To us.

  She throws her head back and spins, then falls to the floor and rests against it, lifting her hips. My mouth goes dry as she beckons me closer with her fingers, then spins to her stomach and arches her back.

  I die.

  I swear I see my soul leave my body as I watch hers roll against the floor, and then she’s facing me again and jumping to her feet. “I don’t need you.”

  The lyrics blast me.

  “Don’t need you.” She repeats in her angelic voice and turns on her heel, then bends over and starts dancing.

  It’s not real.

  But it is.

  I grab her from behind and spin her in my arms. We start dancing, our hands touching as we pull apart.

  “Don’t need you,” I sing back. “But want you, want you, want you.”

  She twirls, and then her mouth is on mine.

  And I have zero control left as I lift her into my arms.

  We’re spinning and then falling against the floor again. “You’re mine.”

  She looks up at me. “And if it all goes bad?”

  “Then we burn together,” I say.

  She nods. “I like that ending.”

  “Sometimes, the best endings are the sad ones,” I whisper, nipping her lower lip and sucking it until I can’t take it anymore and need more of her mouth. She responds instantly, arching into me as I pull my shirt over my head.

  I reach for hers, but she almost has it off.

  Somehow, I’m already kicking my sweats down.