Copyright © 2021 S.J. Black

  All rights reserved

  The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

  ISBN-13: 9781234567890

  ISBN-10: 1477123456

  Cover design by: S.Jahne

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2018675309

  Printed in the United States of America

  To the wonderful people who keep us writing.

  Contents

  Copyright

  Dedication

  CHAPTER ONE

  CHAPTER TWO

  CHAPTER THREE

  CHAPTER FOUR

  CHAPTER FIVE

  CHAPTER SIX

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  CHAPTER NINE

  CHAPTER TEN

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

  CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

  CHAPTER TWENTY THREE

  CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR

  CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE

  CHAPTER TWENTY SIX

  Thank you.

  SONG LIST

  FOR

  DON’T LOVE HIM

  Ride - Doja Cat

  t r a n s p a r e n t s o u l - WILLOW

  Gimme What I Want - Miley Cyrus

  Save Your Tears (Remix) - Ariana Grande & The Weeknd

  Wild Side - Normani

  I miss you I’m sorry - Gracie Abrams

  Traitor - Olivia Rodrigo

  Jealousy - Olivia Rodrigo

  MIA - Ray BLK

  Reverse Faults - Sampha

  FWM - Tone Smith

  You Right - Doja Cat

  Opals - Catching Flies

  CHAPTER ONE

  A YEAR AND HALF AGO

  Do you know that part in the movie where the girl gets everything she wanted? After the years of humiliation, pangs of low self-esteem, adolescence weighing down on her struggles, pushing her to the brink of exhaustion, she finally - finally - gets her happy ending.

  Right?

  Right?

  You’re probably thinking it could happen.

  I’ve seen it so many times in the movies.

  It could happen.

  Right?

  As I look down at my clothes, splattered in strawberry slush and the remains of the cafeteria lunch, I realise one thing; maybe happy endings are full of shit.

  When you’re roadkill in a high school school full of vultures, my chances for a silver lining are slim.

  My eyes look up, meeting the piercing, amused gaze of the one guy who takes pleasure in my humiliation.

  Roman Johnson.

  The star athlete of Mountford High School. But to people like me, he’s the shining contender for America’s most dangerous psychopath. Tall, muscular, blond and a fake veneer of a smile that’s brimming with attitude - physically, he’s perfect for the role.

  It doesn’t matter though; girls still flock to him like he’s the long lost descendant of Achilles, completely overlooking the bloodthirsty violent nature brimming behind those ice cold eyes.

  I avoid his stare but I still feel it brush over my skin, unwanted and foreign against my body.

  “Well, well,” a female voice pipes next to him.

  She’s pretty much grinding against his leg - she’d hump it if she could. Madison Miller - Roman’s on and off girlfriend. The quintessential popular girl. You know the one. Pretty, wealthy and gets away with anything. Don’t believe me? Ask the teachers that fawn over her fake smiles, overlooking her ‘lost homework’ or her continuous ‘violent fights’ in the girls’ locker room. She thinks nobody notices the favouritism but it’s there.

  My eyes scan her perfect, blow-dried air that silently taunts my frizzy, wild mane that refused to sit still this morning.

  “It looks like the trash didn’t take itself out this morning. Did you stop at a McDonalds, FK?”

  I fight the urge to roll my eyes.

  She thinks she’s being funny. ‘Fat Kennedy’ is what’s she trying to jab at with me.

  It’s no surprise she’s failing all of her classes except the ones that aren’t graded.

  Oh right.

  That’s none.

  The person next to me - another unfortunate victim of Roman’s slush attack - inhales sharply but that’s the only sign of frustration from this distance. He hasn’t got the courage to release the pent up fury that I know is bubbling inside somewhere. I can barely keep a grip on my anger but I bite my tongue, remembering what I could lose here.

  Because after all of this, only one thing matters in high school.

  Survival.

  This place is a jungle that you have to fight to get out alive. Keep your head down, graduate and pray to God that you don’t let the trauma catch up to you later in life. Only six more months until this shit show is over and I can live my life, not worrying what the vultures in this place are going to do.

  The boy next to me gives me a brief glance but averts his gaze, holding his folder tightly. He’s probably silently praying for this to be over.

  “Are you deaf? A deep, baritone voice says.

  Roman takes a step closer in my direction and my heart rate spikes up in fear. My muscles are tight with tension.

  He’s talking to me.

  He’s never paid this much attention before. Normally he’ll dump a plate of food, throw a slushy my way or knock my books out of my hand and walk to class, forgetting the faces of the underlings that he crushes under his foot, day in, day out. There’s some solace to that but now, as I glance up, I force myself to hold his dark gaze and not make a fool out of myself.

  The corner of his mouth lifts up in a derisive smirk. “She really must be fucking deaf.”

  “I heard you.”

  The quiet words fall out of my mouth before my brain could scoop them back in.

  Roman’s eyes widen slightly, a look of confusion and curiosity. His familiar, mocking stare returns in a flash of second, taking away any memory of a normal expression from the jock.

  Madison inches forward, crossing her arms. “You want to repeat that to my face?”

  She shoves my shoulder for good measure.

  Her group of friends circle around us. A crowd is building, curious stares latched onto all four of us.

  I don’t know what I thought speaking up would do; I should be shouting at Madison to take a long walk off a cliff, to tell her to shove her insults up her asshole and then walk up to that large caveman and tell him to fuck off too.

  But I don’t.

  Because no matter how much I want to, the temptation of standing my ground won’t save me during the next few months in high school; any shrivel of peace left would disappear in a second.

  So for the sake of my sanity, I shake my head. I bow my head for good measure.

  Yeah, that’ll keep her satisfied for now. She’ll think she’s won.

  “Weird bitch,” Madison scoffs, turning to the boy next to me.

  Roman lets out a snort of amusement. He steps forward and wraps an arm around Madison’s shoulder as he stares at the boy. “You feeling brave too, man boobs?”

  The boy shakes his head instantly.

  “Good.” Roman’s gaze falls on my face and I force myself to keep a neutral expression; my thoughts are not friendly and Roman feels like a large Doberman, sniffing out any hints of rebelliousness. “Now fuck off.”

  It takes me a few seconds to register his callous words.

  What a prick.

  I hope he chokes -

  “Are you deaf?” Madison repeats loudly, laughing. She shakes her head, raising her eyebrows. “She’s such an idiot.”

  I clench my fist and turn around on the spot, walking as fast as possible to the furthest bathroom in the school before I say something I’ll regret. I need to get as far away as possible from any prying eyes and gossip circles. My feet don’t go fast enough but I manage to scramble inside the girls’ bathroom right at the back of the school down a quiet hallway. I open a toilet stall and lock myself inside.

  Breathe, Kennedy.

  Breathe.

  The stench of the sickly strawberry slushy wafts through my nostrils, a nauseating reminder of the power politics in high school and my place in it.

  I didn’t do anything. Anything.

  I did everything that the social stratosphere asked of me; keep my head down, mind my business and don’t get involved in something that doesn’t concern me. But it still wasn’t enough to get me out of the popular kids’ wrath.

  Don’t get me wrong, I’m used to being made fun of. The fat jokes never get old apparently and I bear the brunt of it everyday, but I thought that would be it. Instead, I walked down the corridor, out of the cafeteria, only to be met with a splash of Madison’s drink all over my clothes and the endless name calling after. Roman was right behind her, never missing a
moment.

  He’s a different level of fucked up though. Sure, that’s his girlfriend but no poker face can hide the sick pleasure he gets in my torment. I see it in that taunting face.

  As I grab a roll of toilet paper, dabbing away at the remnants of food left over my skin, my mind trails back to Roman. God knows why. I do my best to block him out of my mind.

  I told you before that he doesn’t really much attention to the victims he terrorises, right? That’s what I thought. But then he walked right up to me, really penetrating his stare into my face, really looking at me, right through me and it’s thrown off my sense of security.

  Because if a guy like Roman Johnson has you in his sights, say goodbye to a quiet existence.

  He picks on me like he picks on other nameless kids under their food chain; a game to play in their spare time, a fun little moment of amusement and then they carry on their day. Kids like me and the boy earlier dust our shoulders off and clean ourselves up in the shadows, pretending that nothing ever happened.

  But something’s tingling at me, telling me that it’s not as easy as that.

  It’s never as easy as that.

  A loud bang of the door snaps me out of my thoughts. I hear a scuffling of shoes near the sinks and a sigh of frustration.

  “I’m sick of this shit,” a voice exclaims. I know that voice.

  “You’re telling me.”

  “She keeps doing it.”

  That’s Gina Velasquez. Madison’s best friend and I can’t recognise the other girl. Without really meaning to, I lean forward, closer to the voices.

  “I know.”

  “I get it, she’s had a rough summer but she’s not the first person in the world to watch her parents get divorced.”

  “You’re telling me,” Kirsten says. Kirsten Montgomery is another friend of Madison’s inner circle - she hasn’t gone out of her way to terrorise me so I don’t entirely dislike her; she’s just indifferent to it. If that makes it better. “My parents don’t even make it to my birthday without arguing in the porch. At least her mom and dad remember to keep it quiet in the house.”

  “She’s just insufferable,” Gina grunts. The tap runs, the water splashing in the sink. “If that was even possible. I cannot wait to move out of this place.”

  “College?”

  “Not even that,” she scoffs. The tap is shut and she moves towards the towel dispenser. “I’m moving out of the state, somewhere far away where nobody knows where I am.”

  “Doing what? I thought you were going to college with Madison.”

  Gina releases a loud snort. “Please, what makes you think she’s even getting into college?”

  A muffled cough escapes my lips. I curse silently.

  “What was that?”

  “Someone -“ The toilet door slams open, revealing Gina’s pissed off expression as she crosses her arms. “- is eavesdropping.”

  I wince inwardly, scratching my nose. I meet their stares, offering a wave of greeting. “Hi.”

  “You normally creep around in the toilets or is this a new hobby of yours?” Gina drawls.

  I ignore them, moving past and turning the taps. The water runs freely and I splash it lightly on my stained shirt, trying to get the red marks out. Gina and Kirsten walk to where I stand, both of them either side of me.

  “I said -“

  “I heard you,” I cut in. “I don’t creep in toilets, okay? In case you weren’t watching earlier, your friend decided to tie-dye my clothes so I kind of need the bathroom. Creeping on your conversation is the last thing on my bucket list.”

  Gina purses her lips but says nothing, watching me with faint interest. I can feel the scowl etched into her face.

  Kirsten clears her throat. “How - how much did you hear?”

  I turn to her, shrugging. “I’m just minding my business.”

  “Good. Because you don’t want to make enemies out of us,” Gina says tartly.

  “I’m minding my business. How about you just mind yours?”

  “Oh, you’re acting all brave now but where was this bravado before, huh?”

  I exhale sharply, turning the tap off. I grab a paper towel, dabbing at the damp material. I turn to face Gina. She’s all daggers and steel, and a part of me wants to falter in my position, to fall into the deferential mode where I apologise profusely, bowing my head like before. Because wasn’t I the one that just said that the only thing that matters is survival?

  “I pick my battles.”

  “Pick this one,” Gina steps forward.

  “Why? In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve got enough people kicking me down. The fat jokes, the pushes, the shoves, being treated like trash - trust me, I’ve been through it all. I really don’t need anymore on my plate right now.”

  At that, she unclenches her jaw but she deflates a little, weighing my words. Gina looks down before meeting my stare, unfolding her arms slowly. I hear Kirsten exhale a sigh of relief.

  “She…wasn’t always this bad,” Gina adds.

  “I’m sure,” I say lightly.

  “I’m serious.”

  “Look, I appreciate what you’re saying but it’s not going to change anything. I know where my place is.” I turn back to face the mirror, noticing the tell tale blush that hasn’t simmered away. Clearing my throat, I face the girls. “I gotta get to class.”

  To my surprise, they don’t make any move to stop me.

  CHAPTER TWO

  So the part in the story where everything gets easier?

  Nope. It doesn’t happen. Not by a long shot.

  For starters, half of my classes today have the very people that make my life fucking unbearable. AP English is where I thrive and it’s one of my best subjects; but it’s also the worst because I’m sitting right in front of Madison Miller and her motley crew.

  I’ve had enough pencils thrown in my hair to show for it.

  I take my seat, trying not to feel the glares burning into my skin. I’ve tried requesting for a seat change three times this semester and the semester before that but all to no avail. Our teacher - Mr Smith - couldn’t understand my concerns, especially when it came to Madison’s group of friends. It just didn’t make any sense, he said. How could Madison distract my learning when my grades had never fluctuated? It didn’t matter that I kept telling him I had to work twice as hard to keep up because of the distractions. She was smart; she knew how to avoid detection, plastering a smile to keep suspicion at bay.

  And it always worked.

  “Alright class,” Mr Smith walks in, popping his bag on the desk. He stares at us, grinning with a certain glee that tells me we have a pop quiz coming. “We’re having a seating change.”

  The class groans in unison, muttering amongst themselves.

  “Hey, hey, enough of that - it’s a new start and a shake up is just what you lazy kids need.”

  Maybe there are silver linings, after all.

  I can finally escape the endless taunts from behind. Maybe Mr Smith finally paid attention to my concerns.

  “Everybody stand up from your seats and line up at the back, I’ll call your name and point to your seat.”

  The class gets up, begrudgingly picking up their books and make their way to the back fo the classroom. I budge my backpack higher, narrowly avoiding bumping into Madison. She gives me a death glare but leaves me be, moving to stand next to Kirsten. I stand on the edge, clutching my books tightly.

  “Right, Eva, you’re over here,” he points to the front. “Ryan, Ally, over here…”

  The instructions follow on and I can’t wait to sit anywhere else but there. Finally, my prayers are being answered.

  “Kennedy, you’re at the back there.” He points to the desk right at the back, on the left hand side of the classroom. It’s a quiet corner, a little far from the front but it’s such a welcome change from the front near the girls that I just smile widely, moving straight to it.

  Thank you, Mr Smith.

  You’re getting a muffin basket for Christmas.

  He checks his papers, frowning before looking at the class. Everyone’s seated.

  “I guess that’s it…but -“

  A sneaky feeling creeps up on me. My skin tingles. There’s an empty seat next to me. I turn, biting my lip, trying to find Madison. But I find her right at the other side of the room, near the window. She’s not going to be next to me.