“Children’s ears may be closed to advice, but their eyes are open to examples,” Matthew whispered as he crossed the street. His father had spoken those words more than once in a sermon. He’d just assumed that since Joy sat in church, nestled among her mem and sisters every week, she believed the same things he did.

  What if everyone made up their own rules? What if everyone decided they knew what was best? Then their Amish community would crumble. Conformity to their plain living and simple lifestyle was what kept them together. If Joy chose her own way, made her own plans now, it was a forewarning of what was to come later.

  Matthew walked to the house where he’d been working but didn’t stop there. As much as he needed to finish that job—get the income—he wouldn’t be able to focus his mind on work today. He continued walking and soon found himself at home. More than anything he wanted to be in the workshop, shaping the wood with his hands. The wood seemed to have a life of its own. It begged to be made useful. The creation cried for a creator—this is something his dat didn’t understand.

  Joy understood. She believed in him. He only wished she believed in their community, their way of life, as strongly.

  Maybe it’s better I discover this about her now, before I commit my life to someone who too easily lets the world draw her away.

  Maybe discovering the truth about Joy was worth the very breaking of his heart.

  Twenty-One

  One thing you can learn by watching the clock is that it passes time by keeping its hand busy.

  AMISH PROVERB

  The day was rainy with a cold wind, and Joy rubbed her arms, attempting to manufacture some heat as she hurried home. She hadn’t known many days like this since living in Pinecraft. The wind bit through the thin, white cotton sweater she wore over her dress and apron. She pulled the sweater tighter around her and then crossed her arms over her chest and sighed. Her mood was as gloomy as the sky above, and she wished she could just get into bed, curl into a ball, and sleep the day away.

  She’d been working with Rowan on the set for a week, and still she hadn’t heard from Matthew. He hadn’t even given her a chance to explain about her father’s current medical needs or what she’d been doing to try to help. She hadn’t seen him around town either. Not that she’d been out much. Between sewing the rest of the dresses, working a few hours at Pinecraft Fabric and Quilts, and acting as a consultant on the set, there wasn’t any extra time. She’d even missed Matthew at church yesterday. When she asked his mem about him, the older woman had simply offered a sad smile. “Matthew is feeling under the weather today,” she’d stated.

  Now it was Monday, and Joy already felt as if she’d worked enough for the whole week. The week’s script had been delivered to her the night before. Dat had frowned at the idea of her reading through it on a Sunday night, but Faith had offered to do the dishes for her. Faith, more than anyone, understood what this extra income would be providing.

  Joy had stayed up late reading it and making notes. Then she’d gotten up extra early to meet with Rowan to go over her script suggestions. After they’d nailed down the changes, the crew and actors showed up, and they set about the day’s work.

  Focusing on every little detail of the script was exhausting, and the environment on set was something Joy had never experienced. Everything from how people dressed to how they talked to her was new and interesting. The interaction between actors and actresses was especially eye-opening. The way the cast and crew spoke sharply to each other, flirted, and even ignored each other at times was difficult to watch. Some days it seemed to her that more drama was happening off the set than on it.

  The sun was just sinking over the horizon when she entered the house. Mem was in the kitchen, and the aroma of pumpkin spice cake greeted her. Joy paused her steps, and her shoulders stiffened. Pumpkin spice cake was Mem’s go-to favorite dessert when they had company.

  Who is it this time?

  “Mem, are we having people over tonight?” She moved to the stove top and lifted a lid. Homemade spaghetti sauce simmered—another one of Mem’s go-to meals for company. Joy returned the lid abruptly and it clattered into place.

  If Mem noticed Joy’s frustration, she didn’t show it as she pulled out lettuce, tomatoes, and cucumbers from the refrigerator for a salad.

  “Jake and Martha Houston are here from Walnut Creek. They’re stopping by for dinner. Will you be home tonight?” The last sentence was both a question and a request. From the quick glance in her direction, Joy knew Mem was weighing how much to press.

  “I’m not sure. I might need to work late.” Joy hadn’t planned on working late, but there was sewing to do, and she could do it over at the fabric store. There was always sewing to do, and right now it sounded better than trying to keep up small talk with Mem’s friends.

  “But our friends are here from Ohio. They’re only down for a few days. Their eldest daughter, Barbara-Ellen, is expecting a baby, and they have to get back by the end of the week. They were hoping you’d be here. I think Jake wants to hear more about this program.”

  Joy scratched the point where her forehead met her hairline, pretending she didn’t understand. “Program?”

  “Ja, the television program you’re working on. They stopped by earlier to let me know they were in town. Your new job came up in conversation.”

  Joy sighed. I bet it did. She imagined they’d even heard about it up north before they’d arrived. What happened in Pinecraft didn’t stay in Pinecraft after all. At least not for long.

  “Oh, I understand now.” Joy forced a smile. “Jake wants to learn more details so he can write it all up in the Budget. He’s been a scribe for quite a while, hasn’t he?”

  Mem sighed. “People are curious, that’s all. It’s not like this is something that happens every day.”

  “But maybe I should wait and share it with Grace. It’s not her fault she came down with the flu and couldn’t come home for another week.”

  Mem offered a wavering smile. “This is not a contest, Joy. This dinner is as much for you as it is for them. You’ve been so busy working that you haven’t been around to enjoy a gut family meal and friends.”

  Joy nodded. She lifted the lid again and leaned in, breathing deep. The spaghetti sauce did smell good.

  “Ja, of course. I’ll go freshen up. But”—she pointed her finger into the air—“just know I’m going to save the very best stories for my sister.”

  “Well, that is thoughtful of you!” a voice called from down the hall. Then a blonde woman in a dark blue dress and white kapp hurried toward her. Grace was the prettiest of the sisters—all of them knew this to be true—but she had such a fun, sweet personality that no one minded.

  “Grace!” Joy extended her hands. “You’re home!”

  “Ja, and I’m so glad you’re going to give me the inside scoop on everything that’s happening with the television show. I’m not sure why Mem was trying to mislead you.” Grace stepped back and eyed Joy and then nodded her approval. “I did ask Mem to keep my arrival a surprise, but I had to give in. I just couldn’t wait until supper to let you know I’m here.”

  Mem chuckled. “Ja, and that’s another reason why I wanted you at home tonight. Your sister surprised us all.”

  Grace touched her stomach. “It turned out not to be the flu, just a bad reaction to take-out Chinese food. I wasn’t used to it. Once I started feeling better, I climbed on the next bus. Thankfully there was an empty seat.”

  Joy pulled her sister in tighter. “It’s so gut to see you. I feel as if you’ve been away longer than a few months.”

  “Ja, everyone from up north says hello, but I’ve missed so much around here. I’ve heard my sister’s fallen in love and gotten a new job. Are things going well?”

  Joy shrugged. “With the job, ja, but not so much with the love.” She looked away, urging herself not to cry. “Matthew doesn’t understand about the job, and he won’t even let me explain.”

  Grace took both of Joy’s hands in hers. “I know he’ll come around. And if he doesn’t, then it’s his loss. You’re the most wonderful woman I know.”

  Joy bit her lower lip, and a tear trailed down her face. “That’s kind of you to say. And I do have a lot to tell you.”

  “Go wash up and then you can start. I’ve heard so much about this Amish television show. It seems you’re a topic of conversation in every house I visited…and I can’t wait to hear the truth. I’ve never known anyone to work with Hollywood stars before.”

  Joy wiped her face and shrugged. “They’re people just like us. That’s one thing I’ve discovered. They laugh, they cry, and they try to pretend they haven’t a care in the world when deep inside everything’s falling apart.”

  Joy gave her sister one more hug and then hurried to her room. She was talking about Alicia, but she was also talking about herself. For just as wonderful as finding love was, even worse was knowing you made a bad mistake and lost it.

  Joy wished she’d never seen love in Matthew’s gaze. For now she knew what she had truly lost.

  Alicia settled into the booth and scanned the restaurant to see if she’d been spotted. Working in Sarasota was so different from being in Los Angeles. In LA, paparazzi waited outside all the popular restaurants and clubs, waiting to see which celebrity guests would arrive. Here, a ponytail and sunglasses were enough to keep her mostly unnoticed. She spotted Rowan at the door and waved him over. He smiled as he walked her direction, and goose bumps rose on Alicia’s arms.

  “Thanks for inviting me to dinner.” He slid into the booth across from her, picked up his water glass, and took a long drink. “What’s the occasion?”

  She’d given him the view of the ocean behind her, but instead of watching the waves, his eyes focused on her.

  “Does there have to be an occasion? You eat dinner every night, I eat dinner every night, and we’re in the same hotel.”

  “And…” He leaned closer.

  She chuckled. “And I just wanted to congratulate you on a great first week. I’ve been on enough sets to know that’s not always the case.”

  “Thanks. I think it’s gone well too. I haven’t heard too many complaints.”

  She brushed her hair over her shoulder. “Yes, and that’s because of the Amish woman. I still think everyone’s trying to be on their best behavior.”

  “Maybe we should hire one for every set. Or you could just keep your costume and I could take you along with me.”

  Alicia smiled at that thought, and she also remembered traveling with Rowan wherever he worked. The memories brought a mix of both joy and sadness. Alicia didn’t want to think of that now though. “Joy does have a calming presence to her, doesn’t she?”

  The waiter came and they ordered salads, and then they discussed the show’s direction and what Rowan hoped to see in the future.

  “Next week we’re going to be filming on the beach. The permits came through.”

  “Oh!” Alicia clapped her hands together. “Will I get to wear a bikini? I haven’t had a chance to work on my tan since I’ve been here.”

  “Oh, ja.” He emphasized the Amish word for yes. “We’ll have Georgia find one that complements your kapp.”

  Alicia puckered her lips and placed one hand on the back of her head, as if pretending to touch a kapp and pose from side to side.

  Rowan’s smile broadened. “Well, that’s one way to get attention for the show. I’m sure all the tabloids would love to see photos of that.”

  Alicia nodded, and a warmth spread over her. She enjoyed bantering like this. She missed being with Rowan, and the last couple of weeks were a bright spot in the last year of heartache.

  Rowan picked up the menu. “So do you know what you’re going to order?”

  She didn’t need the menu to know she wanted the enchilada stack that she’d already had twice this week. And while she didn’t want to bring a dark cloud over the evening, there was something she wanted to talk to her estranged husband about too. Something she’d wanted to say since the day after she’d left Prague a year ago. Something she’d had on the tip of her tongue every day since.

  “I’m going to get the enchiladas again, and I want you to know how very sorry I am.”

  “Sorry for choosing Mexican food again?” He shrugged. “I’m not bothered by it if Mexican is your thing.”

  “Rowan. You know I’m not talking about Mexican food.” The edges of her words were sharp. “I did something horrible. Something I can never forgive myself for. I hurt you so deeply. It was something you didn’t…” The tears came then, and she covered her face with her hands. “I’ve wanted to die knowing what I did. If I could go back and change it, if I could turn back time…”

  “Ali. Look at me.” His words were gentle, much gentler than she expected. That made her cry even harder. She didn’t deserve his kindness. She didn’t deserve to be here.

  The waiter came up, and Rowan ordered for both of them. Then he sat silently, waiting for her to compose herself. She wiped her eyes with her cloth napkin and then finally looked up.

  Rowan had tears in his eyes too. His face was red, as if he were about to cry. “I know you’re sorry. I’ve known that.” He swallowed hard and looked away, as if trying to get composure.

  “How…how do you know? I’ve been too scared to talk to you.”

  “I’ve watched you. Just like you’ve been keeping track of me, I’ve been keeping track of you. Just like the Amish proverb says, ‘You know a woman’s heart by the life that she lives.’”

  “That’s an Amish proverb?” She chuckled despite her tears. “You seriously just quoted an Amish proverb to me?”

  Rowan wiped at his eyes too and laughed. “No, I completely made it up, but it sounds like something Joy would say, doesn’t it?”

  “Ja.” Alicia laughed. “I mean, yes, it does.” She let her shoulders drop, and the boulders of pain and shame she’d been carrying around over the last year seemed to tumble off them. “So you forgive me? For what I’ve done?”

  Rowan nodded. “It still hurts. I too am missing all we lost, but I do forgive you. I’ve messed up too much in my life not to.”

  Their salads arrived. Looking down at hers, the last thing Alicia wanted to do was eat. Too many emotions were surging within her—thankfulness mixed with all the painful memories. She picked up her fork and moved a tomato from side to side, and then she got up the nerve to ask the question she’d wanted to ask since arriving in Florida. “So where does that leave us?”

  Rowan’s eyebrows shot up, and she could tell the question surprised him. He took a few bites of his salad, as if he was trying to find the right words.

  “I don’t want you to get your hopes up,” he finally said. “I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I’ve been making a lot of changes in my life. I’m a different person. I can’t let myself…well, let’s just say I can’t let myself be put in a place where I put you in front of other things anymore.”

  Good thing he didn’t want to sound harsh.

  “Like work?” She picked up a crouton and tossed it into her mouth. Confusion filled her mind, and her sadness morphed into anger. Was this what he’d planned all along? To draw her in, treat her with kindness, trick her into apologizing, and then cast her away? To get back at her for hurting him?

  “No, like God.”

  “God?” The word sputtered out, and Alicia almost choked on her crouton.

  “You know I was raised by my grandparents, and faith was a big part of their lives.”

  She tried not to smirk, but it was hard. “Yes, and I also know you left all that behind when you moved to Hollywood. If you told me once, you told me a hundred times.”

  “It’s true, but it’s also true that it’s often during our darkest times that we truly understand what matters most. When I had nowhere else to turn, I rediscovered God. Actually, He’d been waiting there all long.” He took another long drink of water and then focused on her eyes. “I hated what happened to us, but if it hadn’t happened I’d still be feeling lost and empty inside. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I forgave you a long time ago.”

  “No, it doesn’t make sense. Well, not completely, but I’m glad you’re happy.” The slightest amount of tears came again, and she told herself not to cry. She shouldn’t be sad. She should be happy that he’d forgiven her. That should help her go on with her life, right? But even though she was happy to see Rowan was doing so well, she felt betrayed. In a strange way, she’d almost rather have him be mad at her than this. Being mad would prove that he cared, but he was saying the pain she brought him made him realize what he really cared about…and it wasn’t her.

  “Listen.” Alicia pushed back her plate. “I’m not feeling well. My head is pounding. And I’m not very hungry after all.” She stood. “But I’m glad we had a chance to have this talk. I’m glad I know where everything stands.” And then she strode away.

  Her footsteps quickened, and her heart did too as she left Rowan sitting there. She was thankful that he’d found some sense of healing. But how could she—a frail human with more issues than she knew what to do with—ever compete with God for his love? She couldn’t, which meant she’d continue to be alone. All she had left now were the memories of what they used to have—and what they used to be—together.

  Pumpkin Spice Cake

  ½ cup solid vegetable shortening

  1¼ cups sugar

  2 eggs, beaten

  1¼ cups all-purpose flour, sifted

  2½ teaspoons baking powder

  ½ teaspoon baking soda

  1 teaspoon salt

  2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

  ½ teaspoon ground ginger

  ½ teaspoon ground nutmeg