“Ja, everyone’s talking, Joy. About you and about me. I can see in their faces that they all believe I’m a fool for still holding on to hope.”

  “I’m so sorry. I never meant—”

  The sound of a car pulling up in front of the house interrupted her words. Joy turned and saw Alicia climb out of the driver’s seat. Only then did she remember their plans for tonight.

  Alicia was wearing a summer dress with thin straps, and her hair was braided and cascaded over one shoulder.

  “Hi, Joy. Are you almost ready?” She strode up the sidewalk, and even though she was talking to Joy, Alicia eyed Matthew with curiosity.

  Next to her, Matthew’s breathing grew heavy. His chest rose and fell, and Joy knew he was working to maintain control. Did he assume it was Alicia’s influence that was drawing her away? Joy placed a hand on his arm as if trying to calm him, but Matthew pulled away.

  “Actually, do you mind if we put off quilting until another day, Alicia? Something’s come up tonight.”

  “Ja, I mean yes.” Alicia chuckled. “Oh my goodness, I can’t keep those ja’s out of my vocabulary. I’m turning a little too Amish.” Then Alicia turned back toward her car.

  Joy smiled, unsure of how to respond.

  “Oh.” Alicia paused, turning back around. “Rowan sent a text message out to everyone, telling them not to come in until noon tomorrow. Can you tell your mem we won’t be needing breakfast? And you don’t need to be there either. Rowan has some type of Skype meeting with the network.”

  Joy nodded, even though she had no idea what Alicia was talking about. Skype? It made no sense.

  “Thanks for letting me know. It’ll give me a chance to stop by the fabric store. I’ve been missing my friend Elizabeth.”

  Alicia gave a final wave and then drove off. It wasn’t until the car was completely out of sight that Joy turned back to Matthew.

  “I suppose I’ll be leaving.” His voice was sharp. “I don’t think there is anything else for me to say here.” He focused his gaze on her. “Unless you can think of anything.”

  She read the ache in his eyes and knew it mirrored her own.

  Say you love me. Say you’re not going to give up on me. All those words and more filled her mind, but she simply shook her head. “Ne, I suppose there isn’t anything more. I’m sorry, Matthew. So sorry things turned out this way.”

  “Listen.” Matthew held up his hands, a look of desperation replaced his anger. “We don’t need to make things final today. Why don’t we take a few days to think about things? When you’re ready, why don’t you come over, and we can talk again.”

  He leaned down, kissed her temple, and then strode away. He was so strong, so handsome. And so hurt. And she was the reason.

  Joy rushed inside, ignoring her mem, Grace, and Faith, who were all in the kitchen. She couldn’t look at them, couldn’t talk to them. She hurried to her room instead and flung herself onto her bed. Then, as if a movie were playing through her mind at double speed, Joy thought about where she’d end up if she continued down this path. The television show would be filmed, and her Englisch friends would move back to their own lives. Matthew would move on too, finding the perfect Amish bride who would always listen to the bishop and never disagree. Who wouldn’t shame him. And Joy would be alone.

  Lord, what am I doing? Why am I doing this?

  From the kitchen, Grace called her to come have dessert, but Joy didn’t respond. The last thing she wanted was to look them in the face. They no doubt had all overheard what was happening on the front porch. There was no way she could pick up her fork and try to put any food in her mouth. It was hard to breathe. Her lungs felt as if they had been trampled by horses and then put back inside her to die a slow death. Her chest ached, and her mind felt as fuzzy as if she’d fallen asleep and was startled awake. She wanted this to be a bad dream, but it wasn’t.

  She’d hurt Matthew. She’d hurt his heart. She’d hurt his reputation, and he hadn’t done anything to deserve that. Nothing at all.

  Tears came next, heavy and hard, and suddenly Joy realized she had a choice. She didn’t have to continue working with the show. They could go on without her.

  God, can You bring in someone else to help Alicia? It doesn’t have to be me.

  Releasing a heavy breath, Joy sat up, knowing what she had to do. Knowing this was her story and that she had one more chance to turn it around. Knowing she didn’t have to let true love walk away while she simply stood back and cried.

  Alicia pushed up her sleeves and then moved to the bathroom sink in her hotel room. Stitched together. Stitched together. The words replayed in her mind.

  She turned on the water, letting it run until it turned warm. Then, with a few pumps from the hand soap, she began washing her hands, moving up to her wrists. The water turned beige as it pooled in the sink. The stage makeup stripped away layer by layer until the red, angry scars appeared at her wrists. She’d hidden them from everyone. Only her manager and her makeup artist knew. The makeup artist had shown her how to apply the makeup herself. Even Rowan didn’t know how far she’d fallen six months ago.

  Her manager, Reagan, knew because he’d been at her side as she’d woken up in the psych ward. Shame and pain flooded her, remembering the look of fear on his face. Not fear over losing her, but fear of her deeds being found out. Fear of the media picking up on the story. Fear that she wouldn’t be able to come out ahead in America’s eyes this time.

  “Don’t worry, sweetie. No one has to know about this,” Reagan had said. Not “Are you okay?” Not “I’m so glad you made it.” His words reflected the truth of their relationship. He was there to protect her image, to gloss over the pain that plagued her.

  She lied to her psychiatrist after the attempt. She said it was her split from Rowan, the tabloids, and the pressure from Hollywood that had led to her attempt. She didn’t mention the abortion. And when the psychiatrist had mentioned it after looking at her medical files, she claimed that the decision hadn’t bothered her. That’s what she was supposed to say, wasn’t it?

  What she hadn’t told Joy was that there was a reason she didn’t like the idea of God gazing down at her. Because He, too, knew what she’d done.

  But since arriving back to her hotel room, she’d read about David—the guy who wrote those psalms—and Alicia realized he had messed up big-time too. He’d committed adultery. He’d committed murder, and yet he still turned to God.

  Alicia dried her hands and arms with a fluffy, white cotton towel and then moved to the bed. The bedding was white, clean, perfect—a contrast to her ugly scars.

  She adjusted the pillows against the headboard and then sat, leaning against them. Alicia thought about Joy’s words during their Bible study. David had a palace made of gold, silver, and expensive wood. It just goes to show that it doesn’t really matter what you have. You have nothing if you don’t have God.

  Alicia had discovered what it was like to have everything and feel like it was nothing. She also knew it wasn’t just the alcohol that had caused her to sabotage her relationship with Rowan. During the weeks before her trip to Prague, he’d started talking about children and his desire for a family. The conversation had scared her.

  After her abortion, she’d convinced herself that she wouldn’t be a good mom and that she’d never have kids. To choose to have a child with Rowan would prove how wrong she’d been. A life growing inside her would remind her of the one she’d taken away. And so she’d done the only thing she knew to do—she committed the horrible sin that would push Rowan away from her. And it wasn’t until he was gone that she realized how much she wanted him close. How much she loved him and needed him.

  The room was still, quiet. Alicia focused on her own breathing. She looked at her scars again and thought of Jesus’s scars, and for the first time in her life she believed. She believed He saw her and listened to her. She believed He loved her and wanted her to come near. She knew this because God had brought Joy into her life. God had brought a woman who modeled what is right and pure. A woman who talked about a God who liked to stitch together the torn and ragged scraps of each person’s life.

  And so for the first time in her life, she closed her eyes and prayed a simple, honest prayer. “Yes, Lord, I believe.”

  Stitched Together

  The stitch is worked from right to left on double material. First baste carefully together the two materials; the basting may serve as a guide to the worker, and also keep the materials from slipping apart. A seam should be made far enough from the edge of the cloth to avoid the danger of raveling.*

  * Mary Schenck Woolman, A Sewing Course for Teachers (Washington, DC: Frederik A. Fernald, 1915), 47.

  Twenty-Seven

  How we sit with the broken speaks louder than how we sit with the great.

  AMISH PROVERB

  I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, Joy, but I’ve been praying for this.” Elizabeth sat at the sewing machine in Pinecraft Fabric and Quilts. Her hands still held the strips of fabric she’d been sewing. Joy imagined Elizabeth would be tired and overwhelmed since Joy had spent so much time on the set and not in the shop. But the older woman had been sewing pot holders with a smile as if nothing was wrong in the world.

  Elizabeth’s smile even grew when Joy rushed in and shared what had been going on—especially how she was now second-guessing her decision to stay with the show.

  “What have you been praying for, Elizabeth? That Matthew and I would decide not to court? That I would find myself at odds with the community? That I ruin my life?”

  “Ne, sweet girl. I would never pray for those things. I’ve been praying that God would do whatever it takes to draw you closer to Him.”

  “But if you prayed that, surely you knew what would happen…” Joy bit her lower lip. “I mean, you can’t just pray that and leave it up to God. After all, everyone knows not to pray for patience, or God will give us lots of opportunities to practice it. So if you pray that I’ll need to depend on God, then…well, I’m not quite sure what I’m saying.”

  Elizabeth pushed back from the sewing machine. She patted the wooden chair next to her, motioning for Joy to sit down. “Are you asking if I knew difficulties would come to you because of my prayer?”

  Joy shrugged. “Ja, I suppose I am.”

  “Joy, I wasn’t praying for difficulties in your life, but sometimes that’s what it takes for us to get to the end of ourselves and to the end of our strength. It’s often how we learn to depend on Him.” Elizabeth offered a soft smile. “I think every opportunity is both a gift and a challenge. The challenge is that you are stepping out into uncomfortable places, and you’re discovering who opposes you as well as who believes in you. But the gift is that you’re discovering new parts of yourself and new parts of God.”

  Joy shifted her weight from side to side. “I suppose that’s true, but I wish more people understood. I don’t think it’s fair that people say I’m just trying to be rebellious and go against the bishop. I didn’t set out to make him or Matthew look bad. People have ne idea that my motivation was to help pay for my father’s therapy.” Joy pressed her lips together. She hadn’t meant to share that much. She didn’t need praise for what she was doing, but it hurt her that so many people seemed to be judging her.

  “I’ve heard about what you’re doing for your father. Jeanette came in and told me. She sounded proud of you even though she wished you didn’t have to work.” Elizabeth reached over and patted Joy’s hand. “I don’t think everyone is as upset as you think they are.”

  “Matthew is. We are no longer courting. Well, he told me to think about it, but we both know how it’s going to end.”

  “Ja, I know.” Elizabeth sighed. “And you know what else I know?”

  “What’s that?”

  “Even more snowbirds are returning. The Grabers, over at the trailer park, have been busy getting everything ready.”

  Joy’s mouth dropped open. “Ja, okay, and what does that have to do with this conversation?”

  Elizabeth’s light blue eyes sparkled with humor. “What I’m trying to say is that seasons come and seasons go. Circumstances change, people change. Just because things are this way for you and Matthew now doesn’t mean they’ll be this way forever. Who knows what the months ahead will bring?”

  Joy nodded, offering a reserved smile. It made sense, but it was hard to believe when she had so much ache stacking up inside her chest.

  “You know, Elizabeth, we’ve been friends for a while, and I wish I could be more like you. That I had more faith. That I trusted God more. I’m trying to do my best, but I feel as if I’m failing everyone.”

  “Oh, Joy, don’t you understand? You get to know God better only when you cling to Him. And you cling to Him only when there is nowhere else to turn. We are all frail humans, but we act as if we can take on this world with our own wit and our own strength. We try for a while. Sometimes we do all right, but most of the time we make a big mess of things. And then, when we come to our senses, we realize we need God. It’s then when we turn to Him—when we get to the end of ourselves. My dear girl, I’ve made many mistakes. The faith and trust I have now has come from times when I’ve made those mistakes and clung to God.”

  “So do you think I’ve made a mistake, Elizabeth? Was I wrong to take this job?”

  “Ne, I don’t. I think the mistake you made was thinking that everyone would understand. Sometimes when we feel as if we’re following God, we get a lot of protests—especially from those closest to us.”

  Joy nodded. “Ja, Elizabeth. I understand.” She sighed. “But I really have to run. I need to get to the set. They, uh, need me today. And then tomorrow…” Joy didn’t say it, but she was seriously considering telling Rowan at the end of the day that she wouldn’t be coming back. Both the love and the pain in Matthew’s gaze wouldn’t leave her.

  “Are you busy tonight?” Elizabeth asked.

  “Yesterday they said we’ll be wrapping up early today. I’m hoping that’s still the case.”

  “Would you like to come by my place for dinner? I’m having a dinner party. I’d like you to be my guest.”

  “A dinner party?” Joy couldn’t help but chuckle. “That sounds like a fancy Englisch thing. When we invite people over we simply call it supper.”

  “Ja, well it is what it is.” There was an intense gaze in Elizabeth’s eyes. One Joy didn’t expect. “But you’ll be there, won’t you?”

  Joy leaned forward and placed her hand on Elizabeth’s. “Ja, I will.” She squeezed and then released her hand. What is really going on? Elizabeth wouldn’t invite Matthew without telling her, would she? She wouldn’t try to fix things between them, right? As far as Joy could see, there was no fixing this. Maybe things would never be the way they used to be, even if she quit her job with the show now. With sunken shoulders, Joy turned toward the door.

  “And one more thing.” Elizabeth’s voice called out, stopping her in her tracks.

  Joy glanced over her shoulder. “Ja, what is it?”

  “I don’t want you to quit. Not today.”

  Joy touched her hand to her neck and turned slowly, surprised. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean you’re tired, you’re uncertain, and you have a broken heart. It may seem like the logical choice to quit this job. After all, that will solve all your problems, or at least it will seem to. But wait until after tonight. Tonight is important, Joy. There is something I want you to see.”

  “I can do that.”

  “Promise me.” Emotion filled Elizabeth’s voice.

  “Ja, I promise.”

  Joy walked out with a strange sensation tingling up and down her arms. How did Elizabeth know what she’d been thinking? How did the older woman know she’d decided to quit? It didn’t make sense.

  Then again it didn’t make sense that Elizabeth had started praying for that warehouse even before it came up for sale and even before Lovina decided to open a pie shop. And she’d been praying for a community garden even before Hope embraced the idea of starting a garden behind the pie shop. It was strange that Elizabeth would be aware of such things unless…unless Joy took her words to heart.

  “I’ve learned to cling to God,” Elizabeth had said.

  Joy walked with a quickened pace down to Gardenia Street, yet her mind was on another image. It was of her in their home up in Walnut Creek when she was just a young girl. She was always the first to rise. Mem never had to rouse her for chores. Instead, it was the gentle click from the front door latch that woke her—Dat going out to the barn to care for the animals.

  She’d rise, tuck her blanket around her, and on cold days, sit by the fireplace and wait for Dat to return. He would, sometimes with ice crystals on his beard, and then after warming up by the fire, he’d sit in his favorite chair and pat his lap, inviting her into his arms.

  With her body snuggled to his side, Dat would open his Bible and begin to read out loud. She guessed he did it more for her benefit than his, and he’d read in English. He’d often read the Lord’s Prayer or one of the psalms. Sometimes he read stories of Jesus. She loved listening to those best.

  And that’s what she thought of when Elizabeth talked about clinging to God. It seemed the same to her as clinging to her father’s lap. Because she was close to Dat, she heard him read, heard him talk to her mem, and heard his whispers when he spoke to her. Because she was close to Dat those mornings, she heard things her sisters didn’t. They were still his little girls, of course, and they still had special relationships, but she got to know him more and hear him better because she was on his lap.

  Something inside Joy made her want that with God too, but something else was fearful of it. What if she grew closer to God and then discovered He was different from what she thought? What if she found out things she didn’t want to know? What if she grew close only to be disappointed? After all, she had a hard time picturing Him as she did her father. God seemed more stern than that—more focused on the rules. But maybe there was more to Him than she knew.