ADRIANA

  Dissembling villain, thou speak’st false in both.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  95

  Dissembling harlot, thou art false in all,

  And art confederate with a damnèd pack

  To make a loathsome abject scorn of me.

  But with these nails I’ll pluck out these false eyes

  That would behold in me this shameful sport.

  Enter three or four, and offer to bind him. He strives.

  ADRIANA

  100

  O bind him, bind him! Let him not come near me.

  PINCH

  More company! The fiend is strong within him.

  LUCIANA

  Ay me, poor man, how pale and wan he looks!

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  What, will you murder me?—Thou jailer, thou,

  I am thy prisoner. Wilt thou suffer them

  105

  To make a rescue?

  OFFICER

  Masters, let him go.

  He is my prisoner, and you shall not have him.

  PINCH

  Go, bind this man, for he is frantic too.

  They bind DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  ADRIANA

  What wilt thou do, thou peevish officer?

  Hast thou delight to see a wretched man

  110

  Do outrage and displeasure to himself?

  OFFICER

  He is my prisoner. If I let him go,

  The debt he owes will be required of me.

  ADRIANA

  I will discharge thee ere I go from thee.

  Bear me forthwith unto his creditor,

  115

  And, knowing how the debt grows, I will pay it.—

  Good Master Doctor, see him safe conveyed

  Home to my house. O most unhappy day!

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  O most unhappy strumpet!

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  Master, I am here entered in bond for you.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  120

  Out on thee, villain! Wherefore dost thou mad me?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  Will you be bound for nothing? Be mad, good master.

  Cry “The devil!”

  LUCIANA

  God help poor souls! How idly do they talk!

  ADRIANA

  Go bear him hence. Sister, go you with me.

  Exeunt PINCH and the men, with ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS and DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  Manent OFFICER, ADRIANA, LUCIANA, COURTESAN

  125

  Say now whose suit is he arrested at.

  OFFICER

  One Angelo, a goldsmith. Do you know him?

  ADRIANA

  I know the man. What is the sum he owes?

  OFFICER

  Two hundred ducats.

  ADRIANA

  Say, how grows it due?

  OFFICER

  Due for a chain your husband had of him.

  ADRIANA

  130

  He did bespeak a chain for me but had it not.

  COURTESAN

  Whenas your husband all in rage today

  Came to my house and took away my ring,

  The ring I saw upon his finger now,

  Straight after did I meet him with a chain.

  ADRIANA

  135

  It may be so, but I did never see it.—

  Come, jailer, bring me where the goldsmith is.

  I long to know the truth hereof at large.

  Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE with his rapier drawn and DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  LUCIANA

  God for Thy mercy, they are loose again!

  ADRIANA

  And come with naked swords. Let’s call more help

  140

  To have them bound again.

  OFFICER

  Away! They’ll kill us.

  Run all out as fast as may be, frighted.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  I see these witches are afraid of swords.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  She that would be your wife now ran from you.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Come to the Centaur. Fetch our stuff from thence.

  I long that we were safe and sound aboard.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  145

  Faith, stay here this night. They will surely do us no harm. You saw they speak us fair, give us gold. Methinks they are such a gentle nation that, but for the mountain of mad flesh that claims marriage of me, I could find in my heart to stay here still, and turn witch.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  150

  I will not stay tonight for all the town.

  Therefore away, to get our stuff aboard.

  Exeunt

  ACT 4, SCENE 4

  Modern Text

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS enters with the OFFICER.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  Don’t worry, man, I won’t try to escape. When it’s time for me to be freed, I’ll pay you the fee you’re entitled to for arresting me. My wife’s in a perverse mood today. She’ll be suspicious when the messenger tells her that I was arrested. I tell you, this will make her angry when she hears about it.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS enters, holding a length of rope.

  Here’s my servant. I think he’s got the money. Hello there, sir! Do you have what I told you to get?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  Yes. And this rope will take care of everybody, I guarantee it.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  But where’s the money?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  Why, sir, I spent it on this rope.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  You idiot! Five hundred ducats for a rope?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  I can get you five hundred ropes for that price.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  Why did I just send you home?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  To get a piece of rope. And here I am, with that piece.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  And I’ll use that piece of rope to welcome you with. (beats DROMIO OF EPHESUS)

  OFFICER

  Good sir, calm down.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  You should tell me to calm down—I’m the one who’s suffering here.

  OFFICER

  Hold your tongue.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  No, you should tell him to hold his hands!

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  You son of a bitch, senseless villain!

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  I wish I were senseless, sir, so that I wouldn’t feel your punches!

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  The only thing you can sense are punches—just like an ass.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  I am an ass, indeed: you can tell by my long ears. I’ve served this man from the moment I was born until this very instant, and all I’ve ever gotten from him are bruises. When I’m cold, his beatings keep me warm. When I’m hot, they keep me cool. He wakes me up by beating me, makes me stand by beating me, sends me out of the house and welcomes me back by beating me. Seriously, I carry beatings around with me like a beggar woman carries her baby. I figure that once he’s crippled me, I’ll beg by showing off my beatings.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  That’s enough. My wife’s coming.

  ADRIANA, LUCIANA, the COURTESAN, and PINCH, a schoolmaster, enter.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  Mistress, think about your end—beware of your death! Or as the parrot says: “Beware of the rope’s end,” and watch out for a hanging.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  Are you going to keep talking? (beats DROMIO OF EPHESUS)

  COURTESAN

  Now what do you think? Your husband’s mad, isn’t he?

  ADRIANA

  This terrible behavior proves it. Doctor Pinch, you’re an exorcist. If you can bring him back to his senses, I’ll pay you whatever you demand.

  LUCIANA

  Alas, how passionate and angry he looks!

  COURTESAN

  Look! He’s trembling in his fit!

  PINCH

  Give me your hand. Let me take your pulse.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  Here’s my hand. Let it feel your ear. (he strikes PINCH)

  PINCH

  Satan! You are living inside this man! I order you to release him through my prayers and to return immediately to the darkness you came from. I demand this in the name of all the saints in heaven.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  Shut up, you doddering old wizard! I’m not possessed!

  ADRIANA

  Oh, I wish you weren’t, you poor, frightened soul.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  Listen, hussy—is this man one of your customers? Did this fool with the yellow face feast and celebrate in my house today while the guilty doors shut in my face and locked me out of my own house?

  ADRIANA

  Oh, husband, God himself knows you ate at home. I wish you had stayed there, avoiding these scandals and this public embarrassment!

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  Ate at home? You there, rogue, what do you have to say about that?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  I swear, sir, you did not eat at home.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  My doors were locked and I was shut out, right?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  By God, your doors were locked and you were shut out.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  And she screamed at me, right?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  No lie—she screamed at you.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  And her cook yelled, mocked, and teased me, right?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  She sure did. The kitchen girl mocked you.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  And I departed in a rage, right?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  You truly did. My body can prove it because it felt the power of your anger.

  ADRIANA

  (to PINCH) Should I try to soothe him by pretending to agree with his lies?

  PINCH

  Good idea. His servant here has figured out that agreeing is a good way to cope with his anger.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  (to ADRIANA) You convinced the jeweler to arrest me.

  ADRIANA

  For goodness sake, I sent money to bail you out. I gave it to Dromio, who rushed in for it.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  You gave money to me? She might have given me her best wishes, master, but she didn’t give me one scrap of money.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  Didn’t you go to her for a purse full of ducats?

  ADRIANA

  He did, and I gave it to him.

  LUCIANA

  And I saw her do it.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  I was sent for a rope! God and the rope maker are my witnesses!

  PINCH

  Mistress, both the man and his master are possessed. I can tell by how pale and deathlike they look. We must tie them up and leave them in some dark room.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  (to ADRIANA) Tell me! Why did you lock me out today? (to DROMIO OF EPHESUS) And why are you denying that you received the gold?

  ADRIANA

  My sweet husband, I did not lock you out.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  And my sweet master, I received no gold. But I agree, sir, that we were locked out.

  ADRIANA

  You lying villain! Both those statements are false.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  You lying slut, everything you say is false. You’re scheming with some damned gang, trying to make a fool of me. With my own bare hands, I’ll scratch out your eyes, which want to see me humiliated.

  Three or four men enter and try to restrain ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. He struggles with them.

  ADRIANA

  Tie him up! Tie him up! Keep him away from me!

  PINCH

  We need more help! The devil in him is strong!

  LUCIANA

  Oh, my, poor man! How pale and listless he looks!

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  Are you trying to kill me? Jailer, I’m your prisoner.

  Are you going to let them break me out of jail?

  OFFICER

  Gentlemen, let go of him. He’s my prisoner and you can’t have him.

  PINCH

  Tie up the servant, for he is mad as well.

  The men tie up DROMIO OF EPHESUS.

  ADRIANA

  What are you doing, you stupid officer? Do you take some kind of pleasure in seeing a sick man harm himself?

  OFFICER

  He’s my prisoner. If I let him go, I’ll have to pay his bail fees myself.

  ADRIANA

  I’ll pay you. Take me to the man my husband is in debt to. Once I find out what the debt is for, I’ll pay it. Doctor Pinch, please have him brought to my house. What a horrible day!

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  What a horrible slut!

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  Master, I’m all tied up for you.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  Shut up already, you scoundrel! Why are you trying to provoke me?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  You’d rather be tied up for nothing? Act insane, good master: scream out, “The devil!”

  LUCIANA

  Oh my God! The poor souls—how strangely they talk!

  ADRIANA

  Get him out of here. Sister, come with me.

  PINCH and the men lead ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS and DROMIO OF EPHESUS offstage.

  The OFFICER, ADRIANA, LUCIANA, and the COURTESAN remain onstage.

  Now tell me. Who had him arrested?

  OFFICER

  Angelo, the jeweler. Do you know him?

  ADRIANA

  I know him. How much does my husband owe?

  OFFICER

  Two hundred ducats.

  ADRIANA

  For what?

  OFFICER

  For a necklace your husband had him make.

  ADRIANA

  He said he was going to buy me a necklace, but I never saw it.

  COURTESAN

  Today your husband came to my place, completely furious. He took my ring, which I just saw on his finger, by the way. Right after that, I saw him with a necklace.

  ADRIANA

  Maybe so, but I never saw it. Jailer, bring me to the jeweler. I need to hear the truth about all this.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE enters with his sword drawn, followed by DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.

  LUCIANA

  God have mercy on us! They broke loose!

  ADRIANA

  And they’ve got their swords unsheathed! Let’s call for help and get them tied up again!

  OFFICER

  Let’s get out of here! They’ll kill us!

  Frightened, ADRIANA, LUCIANA, the OFFICER, and the COURTESAN run offstage as fast as they can.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  It looks like these witches are scared of swords.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  The one who claims to be your wife just ran away from you.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Go to the Centaur and get our stuff. I wish we were safely on board our ship already.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  Look, let’s stay here tonight. Nobody will hurt us. You see how kind everyone is to us, how they just hand us gold. I think this country is so kind that if it weren’t for that mountain of insanity that wants to marry me, I could find it in my heart to stay here and become a witch myself.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  I wouldn’t stay here tonight for the entire town. Go and get our stuff onto the ship.

  They exit.

  1 There’s no consensus about the exact meaning of this obscure line, which is an expression of Dromio’s frustration.

  2 A “band” is a bond or debt. Dromio hears another meaning: a band of fabric.

  3 In Shakespeare’s time, “hour” could sound like “ower” (someone who owes money) or even “whore,” both of whom would run from policemen.

  4 Dromio calls the officer “Adam” because, after Adam and Eve were expelled from Eden, Adam wore clothing made of skins, llike the officer’s leather uniform.

  5 In Revelation 20:1, an angel descends from heaven with a chain to bind the devil with.

  ACT FIVE

  SCENE 1

  Original Text

  Enter SECOND MERCHANT and ANGELO the goldsmith

  ANGELO

  I am sorry, sir, that I have hindered you,

  But I protest he had the chain of me,

  Though most dishonestly he doth deny it.

  SECOND MERCHANT

  How is the man esteemed here in the city?

  ANGELO

  5

  Of very reverend reputation, sir,

  Of credit infinite, highly beloved,

  Second to none that lives here in the city.

  His word might bear my wealth at any time.

  SECOND MERCHANT

  Speak softly. Yonder, as I think, he walks.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE and DROMIO OF SYRACUSE again

  ANGELO

  10

  ’Tis so; and that self chain about his neck

  Which he forswore most monstrously to have.

  Good sir, draw near to me. I’ll speak to him.—

  Signior Antipholus, I wonder much

  That you would put me to this shame and trouble,

  And not without some scandal to yourself,

  With circumstance and oaths so to deny

  This chain, which now you wear so openly.

  Beside the charge, the shame, imprisonment,

  You have done wrong to this my honest friend,

  20

  Who, but for staying on our controversy,

  Had hoisted sail and put to sea today.

  This chain you had of me. Can you deny it?

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  I think I had. I never did deny it.

  SECOND MERCHANT

  Yes, that you did, sir, and forswore it too.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  25

  Who heard me to deny it or forswear it?

  SECOND MERCHANT

  These ears of mine, thou know’st did hear thee.

  Fie on thee, wretch. ’Tis pity that thou liv’st

  To walk where any honest men resort.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Thou art a villain to impeach me thus.

  30

  I’ll prove mine honor and mine honesty

  Against thee presently if thou dar’st stand.