If any ship put out, then straight away.

  Exit

  ACT 3, SCENE 2

  Modern Text

  LUCIANA and ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE enter.

  LUCIANA

  Have you completely forgotten your duty as a husband? Antipholus, your marriage is still fresh and new, like the springtime—have the young shoots of your love already started to wither? Is the building of your love already in ruins? If you married my sister for her wealth, then for her wealth’s sake, treat her with more kindness. Or if your affection has already strayed to another woman, at least be stealthy about it. Hide your false love, blindfold yourself so my sister cannot read your faithlessness in your eyes. Watch what you say, and don’t let your own words give away your shame. Look sweet and act kindly—be attractive in your disloyalty. Disguise your misbehavior as integrity, and behave properly even if your heart is tainted. Though you are sinful, carry yourself like a holy saint. Be false in secret: why does she need to know? What foolish thief brags about his crimes? It’s doubly wrong to cheat on your wife and then let her see the offense in your eyes. When you do something shameful, it’s possible to put a good spin on it, but bad deeds are made worse by speaking of them. Alas, poor women! We’re so gullible, we believe it when you say you love us. Even if you love someone else in your heart, make it appear as if you love us. We follow in your orbit, and you have the power to move us. So, my sweet brother-in-law, go inside. Comfort my sister, cheer her up, call her “wife.” It’s a holy thing to lie a little when sweet flattery can smooth over trouble.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Sweet mistress—I don’t know what other name to give you, or how you’ve figured out mine—you seem as wise and graceful as the earth is wonderful and divine. Teach me how I should think and speak. My understanding is clumsy and human, riddled with errors—it is feeble, shallow, and weak. Reveal to me the hidden meaning of your words. Why would you have me betray the truth of my emotions and make my love wander in some other direction? Are you a god? Are you trying to remake me? Go ahead, I’ll yield to your power. But if I am myself, then I know for sure that your weeping sister is not my wife. I don’t owe her any duty—it’s you that I submit to. Oh, sweet mermaid, don’t command me to drown myself in the flood of your sister’s tears. Siren,4 use your song to make me love you instead, and I will obey. Spread your golden hair over the silver waves, and I will lie down in it like a bed. If a man could die5 in that glorious fantasy, then I think he would benefit by dying. Love is light and therefore floats—if my love is false, let me sink!

  LUCIANA

  Are you insane, talking like this?

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Not insane, but amazed. I don’t know how.6

  LUCIANA

  Your eyes are playing tricks on you.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  That’s because you are near me, and you’re as dazzling as the sun.

  LUCIANA

  Train your eye on what you should be looking at, and you’ll see straight again.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Sweet love, I’d rather close my eyes than look at darkness.

  LUCIANA

  Why are you calling me “love”? Call my sister that.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Your sister’s sister.

  LUCIANA

  That’s my sister.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  No, it’s you: my better half. My eye’s clear vision, my heart’s most precious desire. My food, my fortune, my sweetest hope, my heaven on earth, and my entrance to heaven.

  LUCIANA

  My sister is all those things, or else she should be.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Call yourself your own sister, because I want you. I will love you, and with you I’ll spend my life. You have no husband yet, and I have no wife. Give me your hand.

  LUCIANA

  Oh, wait, sir. Stay here. I’ll go get my sister and see what she thinks.

  LUCIANA exits.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE enters.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  What’s going on, Dromio? Where are you running so fast?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  Do you know me? Am I Dromio? Am I your servant? Am I myself?

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  You are Dromio, you are my servant, and you are yourself.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  I’m an ass, I’m a woman’s servant, and I’m beside myself.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  What woman’s servant? What do you mean, beside yourself?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  I’ll tell you. Besides belonging to myself, I belong to a woman. A woman who says she owns me, who won’t leave me alone, and who wants me.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  How does she claim to own you?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  The same way a person would claim to own his horse. And she wants me as a beast. I don’t mean that she wants me because I’m a beast, but that she, who is a beast, says I belong to her.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  What’s she like?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  7She has a very significant body. You couldn’t even talk about it without saying, “I beg your pardon.” My luck would be running thin if I ended up with her, although she’d make it a fat marriage.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  What do you mean, a fat marriage?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  Sir, she works in the kitchen, so she’s oily. The only thing I could do with her is to use all that oil as fuel in a lamp and then use that light to run away by. Her clothes are so oily, they’d burn through the longest winter. Even if she lives till the end of the world, she’d keep burning an additional week.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  What’s her skin like?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  It’s dark, like my shoe. But it’s not as clean. You’d be up to your ankles in how filthy it is.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Some water will fix that.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  No, it’s permanent. Noah’s flood wouldn’t be enough water to clean it.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  What’s her name?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  Nell. But an ell8 and three-quarters wouldn’t be long enough to measure her waist.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  So she’s wide?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  Her hips are as wide as she is tall. She’s round, like a globe. I could use her like a map to find out where countries are.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  What part of her body is Ireland?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  Her bottom. It’s near the bogs.9

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Where’s Scotland?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  In the palm of her hand, which is covered in calluses.10

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Where’s France?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  11In her forehead, which is enormous because of her receding hairline.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Where’s England?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  I thought her teeth might be like the white cliffs,12 but they’re dark and stained. So I guess it’s her chin, which is separated from her forehead by all the sweat on her face.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Where’s Spain?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  Honestly, I didn’t see it, but I felt it in her hot breath.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Where’s America and the West Indies?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  13Oh, sir, on her nose, which is covered with pimples, sores, and red welts. It points straight down at her mouth, which catches everything that drips from it.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Where’s Belgium and the Netherlands?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  14Oh, sir, I didn’t look down there. In conclusion, this witch said I was hers. She called me Dromio and swore I’d promised to marry her. She knew private things about my body, like the birthmark on my shoulder, the mole on my neck, and the huge wart on my left arm. I was terrified, and I ran away from her as if she were a witch. And I think that if I hadn’t been brave and strong, she would have turned me into a dog and made me her slave.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Get going—hustle over to the port. If there’s enough wind for a ship to sail out tonight, I won’t spend tonight in this town. If a ship’s leaving, come to the marketplace. I’ll wait there for you. If everyone here knows us but we don’t know anybody, it’s time, I think, for us to pack our bags and take off.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

  I’ll run from this woman who claims to be my wife as fast as I’d run from a bear.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE exits.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Everyone who lives here is a witch. That means it’s high time for me to go. That woman who claims I am her husband—I loathe her in my soul. But her gorgeous sister, who’s so lovely and gracious, who’s so charming and who speaks so well, almost makes me want to stay here against my better judgment. I’d better stop up my ears against this siren’s song.

  ANGELO enters, with the necklace.

  ANGELO

  Master Antipholus—

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Yes, that’s my name.

  ANGELO

  I know that, sir. Look, here’s the necklace.

  I was on my way to take it to you at the Porcupine, but it took a little longer to finish than I thought it would.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  What do you want me to do with this?

  ANGELO

  Whatever you want—I made it for you.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  Made it for me? I didn’t order it.

  ANGELO

  You did—not just once or twice, but twenty times. Take it home and make your wife happy. I’ll come over at suppertime and you can pay me for it then.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  You should take the money now. If you don’t, you might never see the money or the necklace ever again.

  ANGELO

  You’re a funny man, sir. Take care.

  ANGELO exits.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

  I don’t know what to think about this. But what I do think is that nobody in his right mind would refuse to accept such a beautiful necklace when somebody offers it. I guess there’s no need to be a thief in Ephesus.

  People come up to you in the street and hand you gold.

  I’ll go wait for Dromio at the marketplace. If any ships are sailing, I’ll get right on one.

  He exits.

  1 In a later printing of the play, the character of Luce was renamed “Nell.”

  2 stocks = an instrument of public punishment. Offenders had their hands and feet locked in a wooden frame and were left to be mocked and abused.

  3 “crow to pluck together” = score to settle with each other

  4 sirens = mermaids of Greek myth who lured men to their death with their singing

  5 “To die” also has the suggestion “to orgasm.”

  6 In the original “Shakespearean line, “mated” can mean both “overthrown” and “married.”

  7 i.e., you’d have to say “I beg your pardon” when talking about her body because you’d have to use obscene language to discuss it.

  8 An “ell” is a unit of measure forty-five inches long.

  9 A “bog” is a kind of swamp found in Ireland, but it’s also a slang term for toilet.

  10 Shakespeare’s audience would hear “barren ness.” A “ness” in Scotland is a wide-open space—Nell’s calloused palms remind Dromio of the rough, empty terrain of Scotland.

  11 At the time this play was written, there had recently been a rebellion against the heir to France’s throne. Since Nell is going bald, Dromio puns that her forehead is like France, rebelling against her hair (or “heir”).

  12 The White Cliffs of Dover are located in Southern England, along the English Channel. The cliffs are covered in lime, which renders them white in color.

  13 In Shakespeare’s time, America and the West Indies were known for having exotic jewels.

  14 The Netherlands were known as the “Low Countries.”

  ACT FOUR

  SCENE 1

  Original Text

  Enter SECOND MERCHANT, ANGELO and an OFFICER

  SECOND MERCHANT

  You know since Pentecost the sum is due,

  And since I have not much importuned you,

  Nor now I had not, but that I am bound

  To Persia, and want guilders for my voyage.

  5

  Therefore make present satisfaction,

  Or I’ll attach you by this officer.

  ANGELO

  Even just the sum that I do owe to you

  Is growing to me by Antipholus.

  And in the instant that I met with you,

  10

  He had of me a chain. At five o’clock

  I shall receive the money for the same.

  Pleaseth you walk with me down to his house,

  I will discharge my bond and thank you too.

  Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS and DROMIO OF EPHESUS from the COURTESAN’S house

  COURTESAN’S OFFICER

  That labor may you save. See where he comes.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  15

  While I go to the goldsmith’s house, go thou

  And buy a rope’s end. That will I bestow

  Among my wife and her confederates

  For locking me out of my doors by day.

  But soft. I see the goldsmith. Get thee gone.

  20

  Buy thou a rope, and bring it home to me.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  I buy a thousand pound a year! I buy a rope!

  Exit DROMIO OF EPHESUS

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  (to ANGELO) A man is well holp up that trusts to you!

  I promisèd your presence and the chain,

  But neither chain nor goldsmith came to me.

  25

  Belike you thought our love would last too long

  If it were chained together, and therefore came not.

  ANGELO

  Saving your merry humor, here’s the note

  How much your chain weighs to the utmost carat,

  The fineness of the gold, and chargeful fashion,

  30

  Which doth amount to three-odd ducats more

  Than I stand debted to this gentleman.

  I pray you, see him presently discharged,

  For he is bound to sea, and stays but for it.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  I am not furnished with the present money.

  35

  Besides, I have some business in the town.

  Good signior, take the stranger to my house,

  And with you take the chain, and bid my wife

  Disburse the sum on the receipt thereof.

  Perchance I will be there as soon as you.

  ANGELO

  40

  Then you will bring the chain to her yourself.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  No, bear it with you lest I come not time enough.

  ANGELO

  Well, sir, I will. Have you the chain about you?

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  An if I have not, sir, I hope you have,

  Or else you may return without your money.

  ANGELO

  45

  Nay, come, I pray you, sir, give me the chain.

  Both wind and tide stays for this gentleman,

  And I, to blame, have held him here too long.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  Good Lord! You use this dalliance to excuse

  Your breach of promise to the Porpentine.

  50

  I should have chid you for not bringing it,

  But, like a shrew, you first begin to brawl.

  SECOND MERCHANT

  The hour steals on. I pray you, sir, dispatch.

  ANGELO

  You hear how he importunes me. The chain!

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  Why, give it to my wife, and fetch your money.

  ANGELO

  55

  Come, come. You know I gave it you even now.

  Either send the chain, or send me by some token.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  Fie, now you run this humor out of breath.

  Come, where’s the chain? I pray you, let me see it.

  SECOND MERCHANT

  My business cannot brook this dalliance.

  60

  (to ANTIPHOLUS) Good sir, say whe’er you’ll answer me or no.

  If not, I’ll leave him to the Officer.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  I answer you? What should I answer you?

  ANGELO

  The money that you owe me for the chain.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  I owe you none till I receive the chain.

  ANGELO

  65

  You know I gave it you half an hour since.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  You gave me none. You wrong me much to say so.

  ANGELO

  You wrong me more, sir, in denying it.

  Consider how it stands upon my credit.

  SECOND MERCHANT

  Well, officer, arrest him at my suit.

  OFFICER

  70

  I do, (to ANGELO) and charge you in the Duke’s name to obey me.

  ANGELO

  This touches me in reputation.

  Either consent to pay this sum for me,

  Or I attach you by this officer.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  Consent to pay thee that I never had?—

  75

  Arrest me, foolish fellow, if thou dar’st.

  ANGELO

  Here is thy fee. Arrest him, officer.

  I would not spare my brother in this case

  If he should scorn me so apparently.

  OFFICER

  I do arrest you, sir. You hear the suit.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

  80

  I do obey thee till I give thee bail.

  But, sirrah, you shall buy this sport as dear

  As all the metal in your shop will answer.

  ANGELO

  Sir, sir, I will have law in Ephesus,