HOLOFERNES O, I smell false Latin—‘dunghill’ for unguem.

  ARMADO Arts-man, preambulate. We will be singled from the barbarous. Do you not educate youth at the charge-house on the top of the mountain?

  HOLOFERNES Or mons, the hill.

  ARMADO At your sweet pleasure, for the mountain.

  HOLOFERNES I do, sans question.

  ARMADO Sir, it is the King’s most sweet pleasure and affection to congratulate the Princess at her pavilion in the posteriors of this day, which the rude multitude call the afternoon.

  HOLOFERNES The posterior of the day, most generous sir, is liable, congruent, and measurable for the afternoon. The word is well culled, choice, sweet, and apt, I do assure you, sir, I do assure.

  ARMADO Sir, the King is a noble gentleman, and my familiar, I do assure ye, very good friend. For what is inward between us, let it pass. I do beseech thee, remember thy courtesy. I beseech thee, apparel thy head. And, among other important and most serious designs, and of great import indeed, too—but let that pass, for I must tell thee it will please his grace, by the world, sometime to lean upon my poor shoulder and with his royal finger thus dally with my excrement, with my mustachio. But, sweetheart, let that pass. By the world, I recount no fable. Some certain special honours it pleaseth his greatness to impart to Armado, a soldier, a man of travel, that hath seen the world. But let that pass. The very all of all is—but, sweetheart, I do implore secrecy—that the King would have me present the Princess-sweet chuck-with some delightful ostentation, or show, or pageant, or antic, or firework. Now, understanding that the curate and your sweet self are good at such eruptions and sudden breaking-out of mirth, as it were, I have acquainted you withal to the end to crave your assistance.

  HOLOFERNES Sir, you shall present before her the Nine Worthies. Sir Nathaniel, as concerning some entertainment of time, some show in the posterior of this day to be rendered by our assistance, the King’s command, and this most gallant, illustrate, and learned gentleman before the Princess, I say none so fit as to present the Nine Worthies.

  NATHANIEL Where will you find men worthy enough to present them?

  HOLOFERNES Joshua, yourself; myself, Judas Maccabeus; and this gallant gentleman, Hector. This swain, because of his great limb or joint, shall pass Pompey the Great; the page, Hercules.

  ARMADO Pardon, sir, error! He is not quantity enough for that Worthy’s thumb. He is not so big as the end of his club.

  HOLOFERNES Shall I have audience? He shall present Hercules in minority. His enter and exit shall be strangling a snake, and I will have an apology for that purpose.

  MOTE An excellent device! So, if any of the audience hiss, you may cry ‘Well done, Hercules, now thou crushest the snake!’—that is the way to make an offence gracious, though few have the grace to do it.

  ARMADO For the rest of the Worthies?

  HOLOFERNES I will play three myself.

  MOTE Thrice-worthy gentleman!

  ARMADO Shall I tell you a thing?

  HOLOFERNES We attend.

  ARMADO We will have, if this fadge not, an antic. I beseech you, follow.

  HOLOFERNES Via, goodman Dull! Thou hast spoken no word all this while.

  DULL Nor understood none neither, sir.

  HOLOFERNES Allons! We will employ thee.

  DULL I’ll make one in a dance or so, or I will play on the tabor to the Worthies, and let them dance the hay.

  HOLOPERNES Most dull, honest Dull! To our sport, away.

  Exeunt

  5.2 Enter the Princess and her ladies: Rosaline, Maria, and Catherine

  PRINCESS

  Sweethearts, we shall be rich ere we depart,

  If fairings come thus plentifully in.

  A lady walled about with diamonds—

  Look you what I have from the loving King.

  ROSALINE

  Madam, came nothing else along with that?

  PRINCESS

  Nothing but this?—yes, as much love in rhyme

  As would be crammed up in a sheet of paper

  Writ o’ both sides the leaf, margin and all,

  That he was fain to seal on Cupid’s name.

  ROSALINE

  That was the way to make his godhead wax,

  For he hath been five thousand year a boy.

  CATHERINE

  Ay, and a shrewd unhappy gallows, too.

  ROSALINE

  You’ll ne’er be friends with him, a killed your sister.

  CATHERINE

  He made her melancholy, sad, and heavy,

  And so she died. Had she been light like you,

  Of such a merry, nimble, stirring spirit,

  She might ha’ been a grandam ere she died;

  And so may you, for a light heart lives long.

  ROSALINE

  What’s your dark meaning, mouse, of this light word?

  CATHERINE

  A light condition in a beauty dark.

  ROSALINE

  We need more light to find your meaning out.

  CATHERINE

  You’ll mar the light by taking it in snuff,

  Therefore I’ll darkly end the argument.

  ROSALINE

  Look what you do, you do it still i’th’ dark.

  CATHERINE

  So do not you, for you are a light wench.

  ROSALINE

  Indeed I weigh not you, and therefore light.

  CATHERINE

  You weigh me not? O, that’s you care not for me.

  ROSALINE

  Great reason, for past care is still past cure.

  PRINCESS

  Well bandied, both; a set of wit well played.

  But Rosaline, you have a favour, too.

  Who sent it? And what is it?

  ROSALINE I would you knew.

  An if my face were but as fair as yours

  My favour were as great, be witness this.

  Nay, I have verses, too, I thank Biron,

  The numbers true, and were the numb’ring, too,

  I were the fairest goddess on the ground.

  I am compared to twenty thousand fairs.

  O, he hath drawn my picture in his letter.

  PRINCESS Anything like?

  ROSALINE

  Much in the letters, nothing in the praise.

  PRINCESS

  Beauteous as ink—a good conclusion.

  CATHERINE

  Fair as a text B in a copy-book.

  ROSALINE

  Ware pencils, ho! Let me not die your debtor,

  My red dominical, my golden letter.

  O, that your face were not so full of O’s !

  PRINCESS

  A pox of that jest; I beshrew all shrews.

  But Catherine, what was sent to you from fair Dumaine ?

  CATHERINE

  Madam, this glove.

  PRINCESS Did he not send you twain ?

  CATHERINE Yes, madam; and moreover,

  Some thousand verses of a faithful lover.

  A huge translation of hypocrisy

  Vilely compiled, profound simplicity.

  MARIA

  This and these pearls to me sent Longueville.

  The letter is too long by half a mile.

  PRINCESS

  I think no less. Dost thou not wish in heart

  The chain were longer and the letter short?

  MARIA

  Ay, or I would these hands might never part.

  PRINCESS

  We are wise girls to mock our lovers so.

  ROSALINE

  They are worse fools to purchase mocking so.

  That same Biron I’ll torture ere I go.

  O that I knew he were but in by th’ week!—

  How I would make him fawn, and beg, and seek,

  And wait the season, and observe the times,

  And spend his prodigal wits in bootless rhymes,

  And shape his service wholly to my hests,

  And make him proud to make me proud that jests!

  So pursuivant-like would I o’ersway his state

  That he should be my fool, and I his fate.

  PRINCESS

  None are so surely caught when they are catched

  As wit turned fool. Folly in wisdom hatched

  Hath wisdom’s warrant, and the help of school,

  And wit’s own grace, to grace a learned fool.

  ROSALINE

  The blood of youth burns not with such excess

  As gravity’s revolt to wantonness.

  MARIA

  Folly in fools bears not so strong a note

  As fool’ry in the wise when wit doth dote,

  Since all the power thereof it doth apply

  To prove, by wit, worth in simplicity.

  Enter Boyet

  PRINCESS

  Here comes Boyet, and mirth is in his face.

  BOYET

  O, I am stabbed with laughter! Where’s her grace?

  PRINCESS

  Thy news, Boyet?

  BOYET Prepare, madam, prepare.

  Arm, wenches, arm. Encounters mounted are

  Against your peace. Love doth approach disguised,

  Armed in arguments. You’ll be surprised.

  Muster your wits, stand in your own defence,

  Or hide your heads like cowards and fly hence.

  PRINCESS

  Saint Denis to Saint Cupid! What are they

  That charge their breath against us? Say, scout, say.

  BOYET

  Under the cool shade of a sycamore

  I thought to close mine eyes some half an hour

  When lo, to interrupt my purposed rest

  Toward that shade I might behold addressed

  The King and his companions. Warily

  I stole into a neighbour thicket by

  And overheard what you shall overhear:

  That by and by disguised they will be here.

  Their herald is a pretty knavish page

  That well by heart hath conned his embassage.

  Action and accent did they teach him there.

  ‘Thus must thou speak’, and ‘thus thy body bear’.

  And ever and anon they made a doubt

  Presence majestical would put him out,

  ‘For’, quoth the King, ‘an angel shalt thou see,

  Yet fear not thou, but speak audaciously.’

  The boy replied, ‘An angel is not evil.

  I should have feared her had she been a devil.’

  With that all laughed and clapped him on the

  shoulder,

  Making the bold wag by their praises bolder.

  One rubbed his elbow thus, and fleered, and swore

  A better speech was never spoke before.

  Another with his finger and his thumb

  Cried ‘Via, we will do’t, come what will come!’

  The third he capered and cried ‘All goes welll’

  The fourth turned on the toe and down he fell.

  With that they all did tumble on the ground

  With such a zealous laughter, so profound,

  That in this spleen ridiculous appears,

  To check their folly, passion’s solemn tears.

  PRINCESS

  But what, but what—come they to visit us?

  BOYET

  They do, they do, and are apparelled thus

  ⌈ ⌉

  Like Muscovites or Russians, as I guess.

  Their purpose is to parley, to court and dance,

  And every one his love-suit will advance

  Unto his several mistress, which they’ll know

  By favours several which they did bestow.

  PRINCESS

  And will they so ? The gallants shall be tasked,

  For, ladies, we will every one be masked,

  And not a man of them shall have the grace,

  Despite of suit, to see a lady’s face.

  (To Rosaline) Hold, take thou this, my sweet, and give me thine.

  So shall Biron take me for Rosaline.

  She changes favours with Rosaline

  (To Catherine and Maria)

  And change you favours, too. So shall your loves

  Woo contrary, deceived by these removes.

  Catherine and Maria change favours

  ROSALINE

  Come on, then, wear the favours most in sight.

  CATHERINE

  But in this changing what is your intent?

  PRINCESS

  The effect of my intent is to cross theirs.

  They do it but in mockery-merriment,

  And mock for mock is only my intent.

  Their several counsels they unbosom shall

  To loves mistook, and so be mocked withal

  Upon the next occasion that we meet

  With visages displayed to talk and greet.

  ROSALINE

  But shall we dance if they desire us to’t?

  PRINCESS

  No, to the death we will not move a foot,

  Nor to their penned speech render we no grace,

  But while ’tis spoke each turn away her face.

  BOYET

  Why, that contempt will kill the speaker’s heart,

  And quite divorce his memory from his part.

  PRINCESS

  Therefore I do it; and I make no doubt

  The rest will ne‘er come in if he be out.

  There’s no such sport as sport by sport o’erthrown,

  To make theirs ours, and ours none but our own.

  So shall we stay, mocking intended game,

  And they well mocked depart away with shame.

  A trumpet sounds

  BOYET

  The trumpet sounds, be masked, the masquers come.

  The ladies mask.

  Enter blackamoors with music; the boy Mote with

  a speech ; the King and his lords, disguised as Russians

  MOTE

  All hail, the richest beauties on the earth!

  BIRON (aside)

  Beauties no richer than rich taffeta.

  MOTE

  A holy parcel of the fairest dames—

  The ladies turn their backs to him

  That ever turned their—backs to mortal views.

  BIRON ‘Their eyes’, villain, ‘their eyes’!

  MOTE

  That ever turned their eyes to mortal views.

  Out ...

  BOYET True, out indeed!

  MOTE

  Out of your favours, heavenly spirits, vouchsafe

  Not to behold—

  BIRON ‘Once to behold’, rogue!

  MOTE

  Once to behold with your sun-beamèd eyes—

  With your sun-beamèd eyes—

  BOYET

  They will not answer to that epithet.

  You were best call it ‘daughter-beamèd’ eyes.

  MOTE

  They do not mark me, and that brings me out.

  BIRON

  Is this your perfectness? Be gone, you rogue!

  Exit Mote

  ROSALINE (as the Princess)

  What would these strangers ? Know their minds, Boyet.

  If they do speak our language, ‘tis our will

  That some plain man recount their purposes.

  Know what they would.

  BOYET What would you with the Princess?

  BIRON

  Nothing but peace and gentle visitation.

  ROSALINE What would they, say they?

  BOYET

  Nothing but peace and gentle visitation.

  ROSALINE

  Why, that they have, and bid them so be gone.

  BOYET

  She says you have it, and you may be gone.

  KING

  Say to her we have measured many miles

  To tread a measure with her on this grass.

  BOYET

  They say that they have measured many a mile

  To tread a measure with you on this grass.

  ROSALINE

  It is not so. Ask them how many inches

  Is in one mile. If they have measured many,

  The measure then of one is easily told.

  BOYET

  If to come hither you have measured miles,

  And many miles, the Princess bids you tell

  How many inches doth fill up one mile.

  BIRON

  Tell her we measure them by weary steps.

  BOYET

  She hears herself.

  ROSALINE

  How many weary steps

  Of many weary miles you have o’ergone

  Are numbered in the travel of one mile?

  BIRON

  We number nothing that we spend for you.

  Our duty is so rich, so infinite,

  That we may do it still without account.

  Vouchsafe to show the sunshine of your face

  That we, like savages, may worship it.

  ROSALINE

  My face is but a moon, and clouded, too.

  KING

  Blessed are clouds to do as such clouds do.

  Vouchsafe, bright moon, and these thy stars, to shine,

  Those clouds removed, upon our watery eyne.

  ROSALINE

  O vain petitioner, beg a greater matter.

  Thou now requests but moonshine in the water.

  KING

  Then in our measure do but vouchsafe one change.

  Thou bid’st me beg; this begging is not strange.

  ROSALINE

  Play, music, then.

  ⌈ Music plays⌉

  Nay, you must do it soon.

  Not yet?—no dance! Thus change I like the moon.

  KING

  Will you not dance? How come you thus estranged?

  ROSALINE

  You took the moon at full, but now she’s changed.

  KING

  Yet still she is the moon, and I the man.

  ⌈ ⌉ 215

  The music plays, vouchsafe some motion to it.

  ROSALINE

  Our ears vouchsafe it.

  KING

  But your legs should do it.

  ROSALINE

  Since you are strangers and come here by chance

  We’ll not be nice. Take hands. We will not dance.

  KING

  Why take we hands, then?

  ROSALINE

  Only to part friends.

  Curtsy, sweethearts, and so the measure ends.

  KING

  More measure of this measure, be not nice.

  ROSALINE

  We can afford no more at such a price.