WILLIAM A stone.

  EVANS And what is ‘a stone’, William?

  WILLIAM A pebble.

  EVANS No, it is ‘lapis’. I pray you remember in your prain.

  WILLIAM ‘Lapis’.

  EVANS That is a good William. What is he, William, that does lend articles?

  WILLIAM Articles are borrowed of the pronoun, and be thus declined. Singulariter nominativo: ‘hic, haec, hoc’.

  EVANS Nominativo: ‘hig, hag, hog’. Pray you mark: genitivo: ‘huius’. Well, what is your accusative case?

  WILLIAM Accusativo: ‘hinc’—

  EVANS I pray you have your remembrance, child.

  Accusativo: ‘hing, hang, hog’.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY ’Hang-hog’ is Latin for bacon, I warrant you.

  EVANS Leave your prabbles, ’oman!—What is the focative case, William?

  WILLIAM O—vocativo, O—

  EVANS Remember, William, focative is caret.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY And that’s a good root.

  EVANS ’Oman, forbear.

  MISTRESS PAGE (to Mistress Quickly) Peace.

  EVANS What is your genitive case plural, William?

  WILLIAM Genitive case?

  EVANS Ay.

  WILLIAM Genitivo: ‘horum, harum, horum’.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Vengeance of Jenny’s case! Fie on her!

  Never name her, child, if she be a whore.

  EVANS For shame, ’oman!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY You do ill to teach the child such words. He teaches him to hick and to hack, which they’ll do fast enough of themselves, and to call ‘whorum’. Fie upon you!

  EVANS ’Oman, art thou lunatics? Hast thou no understandings for thy cases, and the numbers of the genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as I would desires.

  MISTRESS PAGE (to Mistress Quickly) Prithee, hold thy peace.

  EVANS Show me now, William, some declensions of your pronouns.

  WILLIAM Forsooth, I have forgot.

  EVANS It is ‘qui, que, quod’. If you forget your ‘qui’s, your ‘que‘s, and your ‘quod’s, you must be preeches. Go your ways and play; go.

  MISTRESS PAGE He is a better scholar than I thought he was.

  EVANS He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress Page.

  MISTRESS PAGE Adieu, good Sir Hugh. Exit Evans

  Get you home, boy. Exit William

  (To Mistress Quickly) Come, we stay too long. Exeunt

  4.2 Enter Sir John Falstaff and Mistress Ford

  SIR JOHN Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love, and I profess requital to a hair’s breadth: not only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, complement, and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your husband now?

  MISTRESS FORD He’s a-birding, sweet Sir John.

  MISTRESS PAGE (within) What ho, gossip Ford, what ho!

  MISTRESS FORD Step into th’ chamber, Sir John.

  Sir John steps into the chamber

  Enter Mistress Page

  MISTRESS PAGE How now, sweetheart, who’s at home besides yourself?

  MISTRESS FORD Why, none but mine own people.

  MISTRESS PAGE Indeed?

  MISTRESS FORD No, certainly. (Aside to her) Speak louder.

  MISTRESS PAGE Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.

  MISTRESS FORD Why?

  MISTRESS PAGE Why, woman, your husband is in his old lines again. He so takes on yonder with my husband, so rails against all married mankind, so curses all Eve’s daughters of what complexion soever, and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying ‘Peer out, peer out!’, that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but tameness, civility, and patience to this his distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat knight is not here.

  MISTRESS FORD Why, does he talk of him?

  MISTRESS PAGE Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a basket, protests to my husband he is now here, and hath drawn him and the rest of their company from their sport to make another experiment of his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not here. Now he shall see his own foolery.

  MISTRESS FORD How near is he, Mistress Page?

  MISTRESS PAGE Hard by at street end. He will be here anon. 35

  MISTRESS FORD I am undone: the knight is here.

  MISTRESS PAGE Why then, you are utterly shamed, and he’s but a dead man. What a woman are you! Away with him, away with him! Better shame than murder.

  MISTRESS FORD Which way should he go? How should I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket again?

  Sir John comes forth from the chamber

  SIR JOHN No, I’ll come no more i’th’ basket. May I not go out ere he come?

  MISTRESS PAGE Alas, three of Master Ford’s brothers watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue out. Otherwise you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here?

  SIR JOHN What shall I do? I’ll creep up into the chimney.

  MISTRESS FORD There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces.

  ⌈MISTRESS PAGE⌉ Creep into the kiln-hole.

  SIR JOHN Where is it?

  MISTRESS FORD He will seek there, on my word. Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his note. There is no hiding you in the house.

  SIR JOHN I’ll go out, then.

  MISTRESS ⌈PAGE⌉ If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir John—unless you go out disguised.

  MISTRESS FORD How might we disguise him?

  MISTRESS PAGE Alas the day, I know not. There is no woman’s gown big enough for him; otherwise he might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape.

  SIR JOHN Good hearts, devise something. Any extremity rather than a mischief.

  MISTRESS FORD My maid’s aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a gown above.

  MISTRESS PAGE On my word, it will serve him; she’s as big as he is; and there’s her thrummed hat, and her muffler too.—Run up, Sir John.

  MISTRESS FORD Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page and

  I will look some linen for your head.

  MISTRESS PAGE Quick, quick! We’ll come dress you straight. Put on the gown the while. Exit Sir John

  MISTRESS FORD I would my husband would meet him in this shape. He cannot abide the old woman of Brentford. He swears she’s a witch, forbade her my house, and hath threatened to beat her.

  MISTRESS PAGE Heaven guide him to thy husband’s cudgel, and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!

  MISTRESS FORD But is my husband coming?

  MISTRESS PAGE Ay, in good sadness is he, and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.

  MISTRESS FORD We’ll try that, for I’ll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it as they did last time.

  MISTRESS PAGE Nay, but he’ll be here presently. Let’s go dress him like the witch of Brentford.

  MISTRESS FORD I’ll first direct my men what they shall do with the basket. Go up; I’ll bring linen for him straight.

  MISTRESS PAGE Hang him, dishonest varlet ! We cannot misuse him enough. ⌈Exit Mistress Ford⌉

  We’ll leave a proof by that which we will do,

  Wives may be merry, and yet honest, too.

  We do not act that often jest and laugh.

  ’Tis old but true: ’Still swine eats all the draff’. Exit

  Enter ⌈Mistress Ford, with⌉ John and Robert

  MISTRESS FORD Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders. Your master is hard at door. If he bid you set it down, obey him. Quickly, dispatch! Exit

  ⌈JOHN⌉ Come, come, take it up.

  ⌈ROBERT⌉ Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.

  ⌈JOHN⌉ I hope not; I had as lief bear so much lead.

  They lift the basket.

  Enter Master Ford, Master Page, Doctor Caius, Sir

  Hugh Evans, and Justice Shallow

  FORD Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any way then to unfool me again? (To John and Robert) Set down the basket, villains.

  John and Robert set down the basket

  Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket! ! O, you panderly rascals! There’s a knot, a gang, a pack, a conspiracy against me. Now shall the devil be shamed.—What, wife, I say! Come, come forth! Behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching.

  PAGE Why, this passes, Master Ford. You are not to go loose any longer; you must be pinioned.

  EVANS Why, this is lunatics; this is mad as a mad dog.

  SHALLOW Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.

  FORD So say I too, sir.

  Enter Mistress Ford

  Come hither, Mistress Ford ! Mistress Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband I suspect without cause, mistress, do I?

  MISTRESS FORD God be my witness you do, if you suspect me in any dishonesty.

  FORD Well said, brazen-face; hold it out.

  He opens the basket and starts to take out clothes

  Come forth, sirrah!

  PAGE This passes.

  MISTRESS FORD (to Ford) Are you not ashamed? Let the clothes alone.

  FORD I shall find you anon.

  EVANS ’Tis unreasonable: will you take up your wife’s clothes? Come, away.

  FORD ⌈to John and Robert⌉ Empty the basket, I say.

  ⌈PAGE⌉ Why, man, why?

  FORD Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed out of my house yesterday in this basket. Why may not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is. My intelligence is true, my jealousy is reasonable. ⌈To John and Robert⌉ Pluck me out all the linen.

  He takes out clothes

  MISTRESS FORD If you find a man there, he shall die a flea’s death.

  PAGE Here’s no man.

  SHALLOW By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford.

  This wrongs you.

  EVANS Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the imaginations of your own heart. This is jealousies.

  FORD Well, he’s not here I seek for.

  PAGE No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.

  FORD Help to search my house this one time. If I find not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let me for ever be your table-sport; let them say of me, ‘As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut for his wife’s leman’. Satisfy me once more; once more search with me. ⌈Exeunt⌉ John and Robert with the basket⌉

  MISTRESS FORD What ho, Mistress Page! Come you and the old woman down. My husband will come into the chamber.

  FORD Old woman? What old woman’s that?

  MISTRESS FORD Why, it is my maid’s Aunt of Brentford.

  FORD A witch, a quean, an old, cozening quean! ! Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does she? We are simple men; we do not know what’s brought to pass under the profession of fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, by th’ figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond our element. We know nothing.—Come down, you witch, you hag, you ! Come down, I say!

  ⌈Enter Mistress Page, and Sir John Falstaff,

  disguised as an old woman.⌉

  ⌈Ford makes towards them⌉

  MISTRESS FORD Nay, good sweet husband!—Good gentlemen, let him not strike the old woman.

  MISTRESS PAGE (to Sir John) Come, Mother Prat. Come, give me your hand.

  FORD I’ll prat her!

  He beats Sir John

  Out of my door, you witch, you rag, you baggage, you polecat, you runnion! Out, out! I’ll conjure you, I’ll fortune-tell you! Exit Sir John

  MISTRESS PAGE Are you not ashamed? I think you have killed the poor woman.

  MISTRESS FORD Nay, he will do it.—’Tis a goodly credit for you!

  FORD Hang her, witch!

  EVANS By Jeshu, I think the ‘oman is a witch indeed. I like not when a ’oman has a great peard. I spy a great peard under his muffler.

  FORD Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow. See but the issue of my jealousy. If I cry out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open again.

  PAGE Let’s obey his humour a little further. Come, gentlemen. Exeunt the men

  MISTRESS PAGE By my troth, he beat him most pitifully.

  MISTRESS FORD Nay, by th’ mass, that he did not—he beat him most unpitifully, methought.

  MISTRESS PAGE I’ll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o’er the altar. It hath done meritorious service.

  MISTRESS FORD What think you—may we, with the warrant of womanhood and the witness of a good conscience, pursue him with any further revenge?

  MISTRESS PAGE The spirit of wantonness is sure scared out of him. If the devil have him not in fee-simple, with fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of waste attempt us again.

  MISTRESS FORD Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him?

  MISTRESS PAGE Yes, by all means, if it be but to scrape the figures out of your husband’s brains. If they can find in their hearts the poor, unvirtuous, fat knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be the ministers.

  MISTRESS FORD I’ll warrant they’ll have him publicly shamed, and methinks there would be no period to the jest should he not be publicly shamed.

  MISTRESS PAGE Come, to the forge with it, then shape it. I would not have things cool. Exeunt

  4.3 Enter the Host of the Garter and Bardolph

  BARDOLPH Sir, the Germans desire to have three of your horses. The Duke himself will be tomorrow at court, and they are going to meet him.

  HOST What duke should that be comes so secretly? I hear not of him in the court. Let me speak with the gentlemen. They speak English?

  BARDOLPH Ay, sir. I’ll call them to you.

  HOST They shall have my horses, but I’ll make them pay; I’ll sauce them. They have had my house a week at command; I have turned away my other guests. They must come off: I’ll sauce them. Come. Exeunt

  4.4 Enter Master Page, Master Ford, Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and Sir Hugh Evans

  EVANS ‘Tis one of the best discretions of a ’oman as ever I did look upon.

  PAGE And did he send you both these letters at an instant?

  MISTRESS PAGE Within a quarter of an hour.

  FORD

  Pardon me, wife. Henceforth do what thou wilt.

  I rather will suspect the sun with cold

  Than thee with wantonness. Now doth thy honour

  stand,

  In him that was of late an heretic,

  As firm as faith.

  PAGE ’Tis well, ’tis well; no more.

  Be not as extreme in submission

  As in offence.

  But let our plot go forward. Let our wives

  Yet once again, to make us public sport,

  Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,

  Where we may take him and disgrace him for it.

  FORD

  There is no better way than that they spoke of.

  PAGE

  How, to send him word they’ll meet him in the Park

  At midnight? Fie, fie, he’ll never come.

  EVANS You say he has been thrown in the rivers, and has been grievously peaten as an old ’oman. Methinks there should be terrors in him, that he should not come. Methinks his flesh is punished; he shall have no desires.

  PAGE So think I too.

  ⌈MISTRESS⌉ FORD

  Devise but how you’ll use him when he comes,

  And let us two devise to bring him thither.

  MISTRESS PAGE

  There is an old tale goes that Herne the hunter,

  Sometime a keeper here in Windsor Forest,

  Doth all the winter time at still midnight

  Walk round about an oak with great ragg’d horns;

  And there he blasts the trees, and takes the cattle,

  And makes milch-kine yield blood, and shakes a chain

  In a most hideous and dreadful manner.

  You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know

  The superstitious idle-headed eld

  Received, and did deliver to our age,

  This tale of Herne the hunter for a truth.

  PAGE

  Why, yet there want not many that do fear

  In deep of night to walk by this Herne’s Oak.

  But what of this?

  MISTRESS FORD Marry, this is our device:

  That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us,

  Disguised like Herne, with huge horns on his head.

  PAGE

  Well, let it not be doubted but he’ll come,

  And in this shape. When you have brought him

  thither

  What shall be done with him? What is your plot?

  MISTRESS PAGE

  That likewise have we thought upon, and thus.

  Nan Page my daughter, and my little son,

  And three or four more of their growth, we’ll dress

  Like urchins, oafs, and fairies, green and white,

  With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads,

  And rattles in their hands. Upon a sudden,

  As Falstaff, she, and I are newly met,

  Let them from forth a saw-pit rush at once,

  With some diffused song. Upon their sight

  We two in great amazèdness will fly.

  Then let them all encircle him about,

  And, fairy-like, to pinch the unclean knight,

  And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel,

  In their so sacred paths he dares to tread

  In shape profane.

  [mistress! FORD And till he tell the truth,

  Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound,

  And burn him with their tapers.

  MISTRESS PAGE The truth being known,

  We’ll all present ourselves, dis-horn the spirit,

  And mock him home to Windsor.

  FORD The children must

  Be practised well to this, or they’ll ne’er do’t.