To rouse284 a Grecian that is true in love:

  If any come, Hector shall honour him:

  If none, he’ll say in Troy when he retires286,

  The Grecian dames are sunburnt287 and not worth

  The splinter of a lance288. Even so much.

  AGAMEMNON This shall be told our lovers, Lord Aeneas:

  If none of them have soul290 in such a kind,

  We left them all at home. But we are soldiers,

  And may that soldier a mere recreant292 prove,

  That means not293, hath not, or is not in love!

  If then one is, or hath, or means to be,

  That one meets Hector: if none else, I’ll be he.

  NESTOR Tell him of Nestor, one that was a man

  When Hector’s grandsire297 sucked. He is old now,

  But if there be not in our Grecian mould

  One noble man that hath one spark of fire,

  To answer for his love, tell him from me

  I’ll hide my silver beard in a gold beaver301

  And in my vantbrace302 put this withered brawn,

  And meeting him will tell him that my lady

  Was fairer than his grandam304 and as chaste

  As may be in the world. His youth in flood305,

  I’ll pawn306 this truth with my three drops of blood.

  AENEAS Now heavens forbid such scarcity of youth!

  ULYSSES Amen.

  AGAMEMNON Fair Lord Aeneas, let me touch your hand:

  To our pavilion310 shall I lead you first.

  Achilles shall have word of this intent,

  So shall each lord of Greece, from tent to tent.

  Yourself shall feast with us before you go

  And find the welcome of a noble foe.

  Exeunt. Ulysses and Nestor remain

  ULYSSES Nestor.

  NESTOR What says Ulysses?

  ULYSSES I have a young conception317 in my brain,

  Be you my time to bring it to some shape318.

  NESTOR What is’t?

  ULYSSES This ’tis:

  Blunt wedges rive hard knots321: the seeded pride

  That hath to this maturity blown up322

  In rank323 Achilles must or now be cropped

  Or, shedding324, breed a nursery of like evil,

  To overbulk325 us all.

  NESTOR Well, and how?

  ULYSSES This challenge that the gallant327 Hector sends,

  However it is spread in general name328,

  Relates in purpose only to Achilles.

  NESTOR The purpose is perspicuous even as substance

  Whose grossness little characters sum up330:

  And, in the publication, make no strain332

  But that Achilles, were his brain as barren

  As banks of Libya334 — though, Apollo knows,

  ’Tis dry335 enough — will, with great speed of judgement,

  Ay, with celerity336, find Hector’s purpose

  Pointing on337 him.

  ULYSSES And wake him to the answer338, think you?

  NESTOR Yes, ’tis most meet339; who may you else oppose

  That can from Hector bring his honour off340,

  If not Achilles? Though’t be a sportful341 combat,

  Yet in this trial342 much opinion dwells,

  For here the Trojans taste our dear’st repute343

  With their fin’st344 palate: and trust to me, Ulysses,

  Our imputation345 shall be oddly poised

  In this wild346 action. For the success,

  Although particular347, shall give a scantling

  Of good or bad unto the general348,

  And in such indexes349, although small pricks

  To350 their subsequent volumes, there is seen

  The baby figure351 of the giant mass

  Of things to come at large352. It is supposed

  He that meets Hector issues353 from our choice;

  And choice, being mutual act of all our souls,

  Makes merit her election355, and doth boil,

  As ’twere from forth us all, a man distilled356

  Out of our virtues; who miscarrying357,

  What heart358 from hence receives the conqu’ring part

  To steel a strong opinion to themselves359,

  Which entertained, limbs360 are his instruments,

  In no less working than are swords and bows

  Directive by the limbs.

  ULYSSES Give pardon to my speech:

  Therefore ’tis meet364 Achilles meet not Hector.

  Let us, like merchants, show our foulest365 wares,

  And think perchance366 they’ll sell: if not,

  The lustre of the better yet to show,

  Shall show the better. Do not consent

  That ever Hector and Achilles meet,

  For both our honour and our shame in this

  Are dogged with two strange followers371.

  NESTOR I see them not with my old eyes: what are they?

  ULYSSES What glory our Achilles shares373 from Hector,

  Were he not proud, we all should wear with him:

  But he already is too insolent375,

  And we were better parch in Afric sun376

  Than in the pride and salt377 scorn of his eyes,

  Should he scape378 Hector fair. If he were foiled,

  Why then, we did our main opinion crush379

  In taint380 of our best man. No, make a lott’ry,

  And by device381 let blockish Ajax draw

  The sort382 to fight with Hector: among ourselves

  Give him allowance383 as the worthier man,

  For that will physic384 the great Myrmidon

  Who broils385 in loud applause, and make him fall

  His crest386 that prouder than blue Iris bends.

  If the dull brainless Ajax come safe off387,

  We’ll dress him up in voices388: if he fail,

  Yet go we under our opinion389 still

  That we have better men. But, hit or miss,

  Our project’s life this shape of sense assumes391:

  Ajax employed392 plucks down Achilles’ plumes.

  NESTOR Now, Ulysses,

  I begin to relish394 thy advice;

  And I will give a taste of it forthwith

  To Agamemnon. Go we to him straight396.

  Two curs397 shall tame each other: pride alone

  Must tarre398 the mastiffs on, as ’twere their bone.

  Exeunt

  [Act 2 Scene 1]

  running scene 3 continues

  Enter Ajax and Thersites

  AJAX Thersites!

  THERSITES Agamemnon, how2 if he had boils, full, all over,

  generally3?

  AJAX Thersites!

  THERSITES And those boils did run5? Say so: did not the general

  run? Were not that a botchy core6?

  AJAX Dog!

  THERSITES Then there would come some matter8 from him: I see

  none now.

  AJAX Thou bitch-wolf’s son, canst thou not hear? Feel,

  then.

  Strikes him

  THERSITES The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel12 beef-witted lord!

  AJAX Speak then, you whinid’st14 leaven, speak. I will beat

  thee into handsomeness15.

  THERSITES I shall sooner rail16 thee into wit and holiness: but I

  think thy horse will sooner con17 an oration than thou learn a

  prayer without book. Thou canst strike, canst thou? A red

  murrain18 o’thy jade’s tricks19!

  AJAX Toadstool20, learn me the proclamation.

  THERSITES Dost thou think I have no sense21, thou strik’st me

  thus?

  AJAX The proclamation!

  THERSITES Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think.

  AJAX Do not, porcupine25, do not; my fingers itch.

  THERSITES I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had

  the scratching of thee: I would make thee the loathsom’st

  scab28 in Greece.

  AJAX I say, the proclamation!

  THERSITES Thou grumblest and railest every hour on30 Achilles,

  and thou art as full of envy at his greatness as Cerberus31 is at

  Proserpina32’s beauty, ay, that thou bark’st at him.

  AJAX Mistress Thersites!

  THERSITES Thou shouldst strike him.

  AJAX Cobloaf35!

  THERSITES He would pun36 thee into shivers with his fist, as a

  sailor breaks a biscuit37.

  AJAX You whoreson cur38!

  Beats him

  THERSITES Do, do.

  AJAX Thou stool40 for a witch!

  THERSITES Ay, do, do, thou sodden-witted41 lord! Thou hast no

  more brain than I have in mine elbows: an asinico42 may tutor

  thee. Thou scurvy-valiant43 ass, thou art here but to thrash

  Trojans, and thou art bought and sold44 among those of any

  wit, like a barbarian45 slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin

  at thy heel, and tell46 what thou art by inches, thou thing of no

  bowels47, thou!

  AJAX You dog!

  THERSITES You scurvy49 lord!

  AJAX You cur!

  Beats him

  THERSITES Mars his51 idiot! Do, rudeness, do, camel: do, do.

  Enter Achilles and Patroclus

  ACHILLES Why, how now, Ajax? Wherefore52 do you this?

  How now, Thersites? What’s the matter, man?

  THERSITES You see him there, do you?

  ACHILLES Ay, what’s the matter?

  THERSITES Nay, look upon him.

  ACHILLES So I do: what’s the matter?

  THERSITES Nay, but regard him well.

  ACHILLES Well59, why, I do so.

  THERSITES But yet you look not well60 upon him, for whosomever

  you take him to be, he is Ajax61.

  ACHILLES I know that, fool.

  THERSITES Ay, but that fool63 knows not himself.

  AJAX Therefore I beat thee64.

  THERSITES Lo65, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! His

  evasions66 have ears thus long. I have bobbed his brain more

  than he has beat my bones: I will buy nine sparrows67 for a

  penny, and his pia mater68 is not worth the ninth part of a

  sparrow. This lord, Achilles — Ajax, who wears his wit in his

  belly and his guts in his head — I’ll tell you what I say of him.

  ACHILLES What?

  THERSITES I say, this Ajax—

  Ajax attempts to beat him

  ACHILLES Nay, good Ajax.

  Intervenes

  THERSITES Has not so much wit—

  ACHILLES Nay, I must hold you.

  To Ajax

  THERSITES As will stop76 the eye of Helen’s needle, for whom he

  comes to fight.

  ACHILLES Peace, fool!

  THERSITES I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will

  not: he there, that he80, look you there.

  AJAX O thou damned cur, I shall—

  ACHILLES Will you set your wit to82 a fool’s?

  THERSITES No, I warrant83 you, for a fool’s will shame it.

  PATROCLUS Good words84, Thersites.

  ACHILLES What’s the quarrel?

  AJAX I bade the vile owl86 go learn me the tenor of the

  proclamation, and he rails upon me.

  THERSITES I serve thee not.

  AJAX Well, go to, go to.

  THERSITES I serve here voluntary.

  ACHILLES Your last service91 was sufferance, ’twas not voluntary:

  no man is beaten voluntary. Ajax was here the voluntary92,

  and you as under an impress93.

  THERSITES E’en so94. A great deal of your wit, too, lies in your

  sinews, or else there be liars95. Hector shall have a great catch

  if he knock out either of your brains: he were as good96 crack

  a fusty97 nut with no kernel.

  ACHILLES What, with98 me too, Thersites?

  THERSITES There’s Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was

  mouldy ere100 your grandsires had nails on their toes, yoke you

  like draught-oxen and make you plough up the war.

  ACHILLES What? What?

  THERSITES Yes, good sooth103. To, Achilles! To, Ajax! To—

  AJAX I shall cut out your tongue.

  THERSITES ’Tis no matter, I shall speak as much as thou

  afterwards.

  PATROCLUS No more words, Thersites, peace!

  THERSITES I will hold my peace108 when Achilles’ brach bids me,

  shall I?

  ACHILLES There’s110 for you, Patroclus.

  THERSITES I will see you hanged like clodpolls111 ere I come any

  more to your tents: I will keep112 where there is wit stirring and

  leave the faction of fools.

  Exit

  PATROCLUS A good riddance.

  ACHILLES Marry, this, sir, is proclaimed through all our host115:

  That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun116,

  Will with a trumpet ’twixt117 our tents and Troy

  Tomorrow morning call some knight to arms

  That hath a stomach119, and such a one that dare

  Maintain— I know not what: ’tis trash. Farewell.

  AJAX Farewell? Who shall answer him121?

  ACHILLES I know not: ’tis put to lott’ry, otherwise

  He knew123 his man.

  AJAX O, meaning you? I will go learn more of it.

  Exeunt

  [Act 2 Scene 2]

  running scene 4

  Location: Troy

  Enter Priam, Hector, Troilus, Paris and Helenus

  PRIAM After so many hours, lives, speeches spent,

  Thus once again says Nestor from the Greeks:

  ‘Deliver3 Helen, and all damage else —

  As4 honour, loss of time, travail, expense,

  Wounds, friends, and what else dear5 that is consumed

  In hot digestion of this cormorant6 war —

  Shall be struck off7.’ Hector, what say you to’t?

  HECTOR Though no man lesser fears the Greeks than I,

  As far as touches my particular9,

  Yet, dread10 Priam,

  There is no lady of more softer bowels11,

  More spongy to suck in the sense of fear,

  More ready to cry out ‘Who knows what follows?’

  Than Hector is. The wound of peace is surety14,

  Surety secure15, but modest doubt is called

  The beacon of the wise, the tent16 that searches

  To th’bottom of the worst17. Let Helen go:

  Since the first sword was drawn about this question18,

  Every tithe soul19 ’mongst many thousand dimes,

  Hath been as dear as Helen — I mean, of ours.

  If we have lost so many tenths of ours

  To guard a thing not ours nor worth to us,

  Had it our name23, the value of one ten,

  What merit’s in that reason24 which denies

  The yielding of her up?

  TROILUS Fie26, fie, my brother!

  Weigh you the worth and honour of a king

  So great as our dread father in a scale

  Of common ounces28? Will you with counters29 sum

  The past proportion of his infinite30,

  And buckle in a waist most fathomless31

  With spans32 and inches so diminutive

  As fears and reasons? Fie, for godly shame!

  HELENUS No marvel, though you bite so sharp at reasons34,

  You are so empty of them. Should not our father

  Bear the great sway of his affairs36 with reasons,

  Because your speech hath none that tells him so37?

  TROILUS You are for dreams and slumbers, brother priest.

  You fur your gloves with reason39. Here are your reasons:

  You know an enemy intends you harm,

  You know a sword employed is perilous,

  And reason flies42 the object of all harm.

  Who marvels then, when Helenus beholds

  A Grecian and his sword, if he do set

  The very wings of reason to his heels

  And fly like chidden46 Mercury from Jove,

  Or like a star disorbed47? Nay, if we talk of reason,

  Let’s shut our gates and sleep: manhood and honour

  Should have hard49 hearts, would they but fat their thoughts

  With this crammed50 reason. Reason and respect

  Makes livers51 pale and lustihood deject.

  HECTOR Brother, she is not worth what she doth cost

  The holding53.

  TROILUS What’s aught54 but as ’tis valued?

  HECTOR But value dwells not in particular will55:

  It holds his56 estimate and dignity

  As well57 wherein ’tis precious of itself

  As58 in the prizer. ’Tis mad idolatry

  To make the service59 greater than the god,

  And the will dotes60 that is inclinable

  To what infectiously itself affects61,

  Without some image of th’affected merit62.

  TROILUS I63 take today a wife, and my election

  Is led on in the conduct64 of my will;

  My will enkindled by mine eyes and ears,

  Two traded66 pilots ’twixt the dangerous shores

  Of will and judgement. How may I avoid67,

  Although my will distaste68 what it elected,

  The wife I chose? There can be no evasion69

  To blench70 from this and to stand firm by honour:

  We turn not back the silks upon the merchant

  When we have spoiled them; nor the remainder viands72

  We do not throw in unrespective sieve73,

  Because we now are full. It was thought meet74

  Paris should do some vengeance on the Greeks;

  Your breath of full consent bellied76 his sails,

  The seas and winds, old wranglers77, took a truce

  And did him service; he touched78 the ports desired,

  And for79 an old aunt whom the Greeks held captive,

  He brought a Grecian queen80, whose youth and freshness

  Wrinkles Apollo’s81 and makes stale the morning.

  Why keep we her? The Grecians keep our aunt:

  Is she worth keeping? Why, she is a pearl

  Whose price hath launched above a thousand ships84,

  And turned crowned kings to merchants.

  If you’ll avouch86 ’twas wisdom Paris went —

  As you must needs87, for you all cried ‘Go, go’ —

  If you’ll confess he brought home noble prize —

  As you must needs, for you all clapped your hands

  And cried ‘Inestimable!’ — why do you now