Grim, he measured my expression. “You are oversimplifying a complicated topic. Our unborn daughters are not my current concern. My focus is entirely on you.”

  “I have come out into a world that isn’t at all what I thought it would be. Everything is so complicated, and a great deal of it is dangerous. I love children.” And I did—I always had. “And I want to help them. But this…?”

  He pressed a kiss to the top of my head, breathing in the scent of my hair. “You can help them by being a good teacher.”

  That kind of help would be nothing but a bandage on a festering wound. “The changes I want made within the academy… you will not concede to them. You will have your reasons, and maybe they might even be sound. But even if you gave me what I want, it will not change the cycle of our creation, training, or nature. If you were me, if you could enact real change in a way that would not cause violence, you would do it.”

  His darker side had come out to play, the one that had ripped my handmade dress so he might get to the soft flesh underneath. Except now, it was my morals he tore through, tucking me tight to him, no matter who watched. “There is no guarantee those males will not try to kill one another to see who will have the first-born daughter. I was prepared to kill any of my old friends for you.”

  It was so strange to think one of those men staring right at us might have had me, that even now they might covet and resent. Each of them was beautiful to look at, but were they kind? Would they have put me before a reflection and showed me what the pain of opening produced. Would they have read the journals and practiced sexual arts to make sure each knotting was thrilling?

  What evils had they done to bloody their hands? I was not ignorant enough to think that each did not carry their own ugliness. They would have to, and two of them were very, very old. I could only image the things they had done.

  There was something very comforting about being wrapped in his strength. I didn’t resist it but leaned into him, my ear to his chest as I said, “It is demoralizing that this is the price it would cost to urge males to treat us with dignity. Ironic that they would only do it to satisfy their own urges, not because their unborn mates deserve better.”

  My openness to accepting his comfort earned me a beautiful, rumbling purr. “Better is debatable, my love. What you think is best are freedoms I would love to provide you with but, in the world as it is, are ultimately dangerous. Someday, I will be able to give you everything you want, if you would just be patient with me.”

  The truth was, bonded, I had no one else in the world to rely on. That knowledge in the female mind, the tiny seed that made even the most incompatible mates somewhat tolerable.

  I craved comfort; I always had, and I would drink it down even if given by such a man. That did not make me a bad person; it made me a broken one. “You suggested that we take this one day at a time. Today, I found out selling my daughters is the price for the smallest modicum of female freedom. That we will not be given respect simply because we deserve it. We are your slaves.”

  “You are not my slave.”

  Of course I was. He could do whatever he wished to me, and I could not prevent it. “The fact that I am considering having a child despite strong feelings to the contrary is a clear sign the world is defective, and our kind may not deserve the existence we have been given. Males have learned nothing from the humans.”

  Catching my chin, he stole my attention away from the men and made me meet his eyes. “You are not my slave.”

  “Really?” He could delude himself all he liked, feign his innocence, and reduce all his behaviors down to biology, but I could prove my point with one request. “I’d like to go into the fog, right now. Were I not bound to your will, I would do that. We both know you will prevent me, claiming it is for my own good. I am not free in the slightest.”

  His pupils contracted in a flash. “The fog is dangerous.”

  “Have you ever considered I enjoy the danger? I know myself. You can rewrite the story of me in your mind a million different ways, but that will not change I belong in the fog, and you have confined me and will never let me anywhere near it.” The sound of his hearts beating fast under my ear warned me I was approaching a dangerous place. Still, my point had to be made. “Every female here is a slave to her mate’s will. Each one of them knows exactly how horrible the thing is they asked of me. I even think any one of them would do it if the roles were reversed.”

  “I would not be so sure. All of them have refused to bear children despite our low numbers and great need.”

  He really did not understand why.

  Blinking at him, I finally realized I would never fully puzzle him out. Males and females were not the same on any level. It was as if we were entirely different species.

  The question now was if males were a parasite, or was there some symbiotic payoff to them having ultimate control?

  “What are you thinking?”

  To tell him my thoughts would not help anyone, so I translated them into something parallel and honest. “That I appreciate how well you cook.”

  An instant shift in temperament came with my confession, Cyderial smirking just a touch. “Distracting me with flattery will not work.”

  Trilling my talons over his heart, I smirked right back. “I was making a mental list of ways your subjugation might benefit me. I really enjoy the food.”

  “You are not a pet, and you are not a slave. You are not even a wife. You are so much more. You are my mate.” Warm hand working the tension from my nape, he purred, “I see you do not fully understand what that means, but you will, in time.”

  “If our daughters were taught these things and treated with respect, they would go into a mating bond and not be as conflicted as I am. If half our species is unhappy, then as a whole, our species is failing.” Lowering my voice, I whispered, “To wake up from a nightmare of assault with the only comfort you’ll ever know offered from the man who terrorized you. Can you understand how awful that is? Those women, maybe most hybrid women… that is their reality. Just because the males have normalized it does not mean it is acceptable.”

  “I agree.”

  Three beats of my hearts, I waited for him to justify his sins. Hadn’t I heard it already? Even Miranda shared the ugliness of our start to the women at the table with her subtle hint that if I had not pushed him to act, he would not have raped me. But Cyderial did not say such a horrible thing.

  My cheek went back to his chest, my eyes scanning a courtyard full of people openly staring and others pretending they were not. “You’re a walking contradiction, and it confuses me. Miranda seems to worship the ground you walk on; others fear you will cause them or their mate harm. You let me grow up under difficult conditions so I might think I was free to make my own choices. Yet took me all the same when the ruse worked. I did think I could be free, until I was not. Now, here I am with my own kind, not even a graduate, addicted and contained, and they are all staring at me as if expecting something important.”

  Thumping softly, proud, he said, “When I heard your song, the obsession was instant. Even now, you touching me freely gives me contentment I cannot describe. Trust that nature is wise. I did not waste time on regret that you were only a child. I used the fact to force myself to grow worthy of you. You have had only a handful of days to adjust, and there is so much you may not understand for a while. Explore what is between us, and stop wasting time on quick self-judgment.”

  I drew in a deep breath, enjoying the scent of him. He was right. I was already in knots, concerning the fact that pressing against him in that way at that time was comforting to me, and angry with myself for allowing it.

  What was the sense of pointless suffering? No one would benefit if I made myself a martyr.

  Least of all me.

  After a deep breath, I offered something personal, exploring what it might mean. “When I would come into your office, it always smelled so nice in there. I thought it was the flowers, so I would stare at them and appreciate their beauty as I reminded myself that if I could get through the meeting, my life might not be in jeopardy for another year. If I had known the scent I loved so much was you, I might have seen you in a different light. No boy or Watcher ever smelled good. It may have been a sign, like a female’s song. If I had known that, it would have given me perspective to consider you.”

  “Loved?” I heard the smile in his voice. “What do I smell like?”

  I didn’t want to regret speaking of something deeply intimate, so I simply said, “Warm and sweet. Like cake.”

  Softly chuckling, he stroked me from nape to sacrum. “I would note what you stared at longest every time you came, and I’d collect more of what I found you to prefer. That is why there are so many plants.”

  An honest laugh bubbled out of me, taking with it some of the tension. “I do like your toxic flowers.” Feeling his fingertips dance up my spine, I asked, “Have any females written journals? Was scent ever mentioned as a precursor?”

  He rumbled a lazy response. “Not that I know of.”

  Humming, I didn’t like that at all. “Most may not have known their mate before they were claimed. They might not know the scent before the males use it to drug them. It might even mean they do not care for the smell afterward, as it would signal danger. That is sad.”

  “Your experiences were singular. You could write them down.”

  “Unmated females are forbidden from reading such things. Males would read it though, wouldn’t they? Hoarding all the information for themselves. Unless things change, there is no point in sharing my secrets.”

  Eyes glued to General Aegir, who ventured closer, I said, “And change will not come without good men willing to admit our world is broken. Only a worthy man would have one of my daughters.”

  The stranger’s eyes were dark, like mine, his stature almost as imposing as Cyderial’s. Approaching without invitation, General Aegir dared speak to me. “I could be made worthy, if you tell me what I must do.”

  11

  He was a handsome man, his silver hair only an enhancement of his features. But what of his character? Turning to face the male who would barter for my unborn daughter, I asked, “Do you feel that I should have been your mate, General Aegir? Would you have been worthy of me?”

  The question made him grow guarded, his expression blank, as he said, “That is irrelevant. You are mated to my friend now.”

  Even the man at my back grew more tense, as I pressed, “Humor me. Had you heard my song, would it be your belief that I should be yours?”

  Glancing to Cyderial, cagey threat in his glower, General Aegir said, “If I had heard your song, you would have been mine.”

  “Buy why you and not him, or him?” I gestured to his companions, General Boreal and General Murdoch. “Why not one of them? Why would one of the three of you be preferable to someone who has known me for ten years?”

  I did not know these men, their histories or motivations. I knew nothing about their character. So my questions were fair. I was even gentle as I asked, “Would any of you have waited all that time for me to age? Would you have hidden me away from the others, even though it might cost you the chance to have me?” And to myself, I asked, Would one of them have forced a knot into me, even though I begged them to stop? Because I believed all three of them capable of it. “Would you have trusted me with my freedoms? Supported me? Why should it have been you? You don’t know anything about me. What if my personality failed to suit you?”

  Failing to blink, Aegir watched, rapt. “I don’t believe that would’ve been possible. Nature does not make mistakes.”

  It seemed all males found the idea inconceivable, the burden solely on the female to accept a life partner they may not like. “What if your personality failed to suit me? The four of you are no doubt different people, with different interests. So how could I possibly suit all of you, if each of you heard my song? Sharing a genetic ancestor does not signify mutual appreciation.”

  His stance grew more conversational, the male shifting his weight to his left foot to ponder. “I see your point. But you are failing to realize that the male adapts to the female.”

  “Then why are the females locked away? It seems to me they are forced to conform to the male’s ideals if they ever want to smell the fog again.”

  Fingers tapping his chin, Aegir grew thoughtful, silver hair shining. “And you are concerned I will do this with your child. That I want her for her song and not for her person.”

  “It is a reasonable concern for any female you might hear sing.”

  “Forgive me, but—” Hand to his chest, another man bowed. Broad-shouldered General Boreal, his voice deep, shared his opinion on my concerns. “—your behavior is irregular for a newly mated female. You are not trying to run. Cyderial claims you have not attempted to kill him. The nature of females is violence. That is why we keep them in their nests.”

  Aghast, my eyes went wide. “If that is how newly mated females behave, then it is your fault it is happening!”

  Unoffended, entirely direct, he demanded I explain. “How is it my fault?”

  “If someone locked you away against your will for years on end, wouldn’t you try to run at first chance?”

  Puzzled, General Boreal said, “Males are supposed to keep females in their nests until they form an affectionate emotional attachment. We have centuries of experience to back up that custom. Only then can they be trusted not to harm themselves without constant supervision.”

  I’m not sure which of us was more confused. “It’s barbaric. Have you not heard the women tell you of their suffering? You could have prevented a great deal of it.”

  As if gently correcting a child, Boreal said, “To interfere with another’s mate is not permitted. It is a sacred bond, and no mated male hybrid has ever hurt his female.”

  Noting his use of “mated males” only, I narrowed my eyes. “Psychologically, they have. Or does that not count, since it doesn’t leave a mark?”

  My question was ignored for one of his own, Boreal gesturing at the way I was tucked against Cyderial body. “The entirety of this situation is irregular. How is it that this is happening?”

  My confusion at his question led him to address the man whose arms were around me. “She is touching you without persuasion, and you have been mated less than a week. How did you earn her affection so quickly?”

  How strange it was that the males considered tolerance affection.

  The backs of Cyderial’s fingers ran down my arm from shoulder to elbow, pride in his voice. “I prepared for ten years, learned what I could of her tastes without overly interfering in her life. We are not strangers.”

  Oh… he had absolutely overly interfered, but saying so would not help my cause.

  Offering his friends more information, Cyderial added, “Also, I pleasure her often in myriad ways without coercing her reaction… unless she asks me to. Heat has not been required to drive her into my arms.”

  That wasn’t entirely true. Miranda’s persuasion did motivate me to offer myself the first time after our bond had been sealed.

  Mortified he shared such personal information with his friends, I glared up at the smirking man, only to catch him winking at me.

  Maybe I would try to kill him after all.

  Aegir was watching me closely, too closely. “She has been provoked, and still, she does not try to strike you.”

  Boreal’s focus was on the topic, not my flaming face or stiff posture. “Is it true? Do you enjoy his touch without coercion?”

  The pride in Cyderial’s voice deepened his tenor, the vibrations moving through my spine to counter my humiliation, as he said, “She will not answer you. My Lorieyn is modest. But she actively participates in sex. I credit this to her education and our familiarity, as much as to her personality.”

  The silent observer with the foxlike smirk stepped closer. The bronze-haired male looked at me very differently than the others. He looked at me as if all my secrets were known to him. General Murdoch demanded, “What does he mean by education?”

  Uncomfortable, my voice came out a bit shrill. “Cyderial explained sex to me when I was fifteen.”

  It wasn’t exactly an outright lie, but it was a half-truth at best. One the male at my back could easily contradict, should he so choose. Otherwise, I had no answer that might urge the collected men to give me what I wanted.

  At my back, Cyderial supported me as he promised. “That is correct. There was an incident at the academy requiring an explanation for Lorieyn to understand the questioning. Furthermore, this has made her inquisitive, and I have answered every query she has asked me over the years since.”

  The males did not need to know his answers had been vague at best and utterly useless at worst. Or that my questions had been quite innocent, Cyderial only too happy to keep me that way.

  To maintain momentum, I asked all three of them, “I have wondered, why do you think young females do not deserve such knowledge? You are here speaking of it freely, yet we have to be cornered, subjected to unexpected suffering, and then exposed to unknown male anatomy. Do you understand how damaging that could be? It’s shocking to me that you cannot grasp why newly mated females want to run. Most first encounters are rape.”

  Still puzzling me out, General Aegir seemed completely confounded. “Mating is natural.”

  “Natural to a man who knows what’s happening and why. It’s terrifying to females kept ignorant about their bodies. It makes you assailants, aggressors… not kind men who want to love them.” Hearts picking up in rhythm, I ground my teeth. “Females suffer. Males force females to be ignorant yet are willfully ignorant themselves. If you have to drug a response, it’s not genuine.”

  Before one of them might say something I’d never forgive, I added, “I’m not trying to insult you, but I will not subject any daughter I may bear to a male who believes such behavior is acceptable.”