Not unless I wanted to draw his attention and encourage more than I could handle.

  I had to accept what he meticulously left there, carry it under my hearts, and leave the plug alone or my body would make me suffer pleasure I had not intended.

  A true addiction indeed.

  “What have I done?” I had asked explicitly to be treated in the exact way his filthy books described a female. Practically begged, because I knew it would feel better than being so sad.

  And yes, he had enthusiastically given all I could physically want. But he also held me, spoke softly to me, kept me dazed enough that the heartbreak didn’t hurt so much, while also giving me an outlet to process how truly awful I felt.

  Despite all the pleasure, I’d been wretched.

  And despite sleep, I felt exhausted.

  I felt drained. Understood just how easy it was to surrender total control to someone stronger, bitterly acknowledged there was something very freeing in knowing your mate might manipulate and coerce you but could never hurt you.

  Even that night on his office floor had not amounted to so much as a bruise.

  Not that I’d forgiven what he’d done.

  But I had to set it aside.

  I could not be angry about what I could not change and grieve the mother who didn’t love me.

  I wasn’t strong enough for both.

  And maybe he knew that. Maybe that was why he let me meet her as quickly as he did.

  His battle had been easily won, and I was utterly destroyed.

  On my knees, begging for him to make me feel safe. To make me feel wanted. To love me, even if he might not know how.

  Even if I didn’t know how to receive it.

  High as I was, he could have done anything to me, regardless of my sober consent.

  And he had not abused his privilege.

  Because his war was not yet over.

  I did not love him in return.

  Stretching my legs, I wiggled my toes, my naked skin soaking up the morning sun. Had I still been living at the academy, I would have already ran through morning drills and most likely been patrolling the farmlands at this hour.

  How strange it was to sleep in. Not only that, but to have such a comfortable bed in such a beautiful room.

  Clean, fresh air always available to me.

  And food. I very much liked the food.

  Speaking of which, hunger still gurgled above my sloshing belly.

  Which, of course, a man like Cyderial prepared for. He made no secret of his doings in the kitchen, tempting me to rise from the bed and find him.

  Waddling to the cabinet he procured my pink dress from the day before, I found a great deal of clothing prepared for me. Strangely, many of the outfits were cut to fit a fully plugged female body. But I did not have the mental capacity to think over such things.

  And, maybe later, I would have some enthusiasm to look through the beautifully colored assortment of fabrics, but it was the robe I pulled my arms through then, tying the sash under my breasts.

  It made a pretty bow atop the deep-blue velvet draping my new form.

  I used the toilet, let the cleaning disk refresh my mouth, brushed my hair. Did all the things I imagined a lazy civilian might enjoy during a morning routine.

  Knowing he would be intensely pleased seeing me this way—in the clothes of his choosing, my hair down—I wondered if that was why I pinched my sallow cheeks for a little color.

  To be enjoyed, to be appreciated… even if it was by him.

  Fully female, draped in soft, stretchy velvet, obviously a sexual being. No longer trapped in an ugly, ill-fitting uniform. No austere knot of hair at my nape.

  The only kind of knot I would be forced to know from that point forward was the kind that came with exquisite pleasure and a full belly.

  Three days and a broken heart—that was all it took for me to acknowledge that mating insanity had done its work.

  Heaven help females everywhere.

  There was really no outwitting what the men could do to us. I was already imagining what I hoped Cyderial might do to me later… because he was more creative than the basic techniques I found in his book.

  But first, food.

  Padding toward the sounds of cooking, I found him smiling as if he knew I would come right to him. Shirtless, wearing a pair of loose gray pants made of silky material, the outline of his massive cock was very obvious.

  As I was staring, it began to pulsate a tempting hello.

  If I was not corked full of wax and fluttering around the invasion, I would have salivated for it right then and there.

  How much I changed in so little time.

  “Good morning,” he said, pleasure thick in his voice.

  I was right. Cyderial was very pleased to see me exactly as I had chosen to come. Bloated with his cum, pretty in his clothes, hair loose for his eyes only.

  Purring, he gave me a stare that promised great reward, if only I would agree. “I would love to introduce you to my friends this evening.” His voice was full of trouble, my huge belly what he was clearly referring to. “How would you like to go out later, to a hybrid corner of the city?”

  None of my trips into the city ended well, the idea of sheltering in the pretty house tempting the more cowardly parts of me. But that was not the only reason for my hesitation. He was looking pointedly at my belly for a reason.

  Hand atop the protrusion, I cocked a brow. “You want me to go out like this? No! If I pop in front of someone other than you, I think I would die of embarrassment.” Lumbering atop a stool so I could watch him prepare my breakfast, I felt my face go red. “Doing that in front of just you is mortifying.”

  Cocky, he leaned over the counter to press a kiss to my lips. “Before you know it, you’ll beg me to watch. There are things I can do to you only during those lovely occasions that will make you fall in love with me.”

  Doubtful, but I also never would’ve thought I would exchange “normal” banter with this man, let alone beg him for sexual gratification when I was blue.

  But I was not ready to consider that someday I might feel anything other than the cautious regard and real appreciation I had in that moment. “Wait. I have a question.”

  “What’s on your mind?” Growly, he openly displayed his more carnal current thoughts with a lingering look.

  I reached forward and stole a bit of fruit from the pastry he was preparing. Something pink I popped into my mouth and found to be quite good.

  Wow! A life outside of cubed meat was very interesting.

  Swallowing with a happy sigh, I asked, “Did you just say you have friends? People actually like you?”

  Offering me another bite of fruit, if I would only open my lips and take it, he looked at me as if I were the greatest gift he might ever receive. “Could it be that maybe I’m lovable too?”

  I took the sweet offering, biting his finger a bit too hard, this level of sober intimacy not something I was ready to entertain. “I might hate you a little less than I did. But that’s probably based on chemical brainwashing and a growing addiction to sex.”

  He loved every last bit of pain, rubbing a thumb over my lips before he pulled away. “I don’t think you could be more perfect for me.”

  When he said things that way, without the sexual undercurrent or the playful teasing, it always made me unsure how to respond.

  It made me shy.

  Cyderial believed every word he spoke. He really did believe we were some kind of divine union nature herself designed.

  And I had no sardonic reply to that.

  “So, as I was saying before you so cruelly insulted me, we should go out today. Humans are not allowed in hybrid-designated zones. No one will record you as they did yesterday. Nor will you be stared at.”

  Wait just a moment. “What do you mean ‘recorded’?”

  “Our conversation yesterday is all over the broadcasts, playing on repeat. Humans do these sorts of things; they are very invasive creatures. And, it seems you struck a chord with them.” He went back to chopping fruit as if this was no big, massively humiliating deal. “The government will pull it down soon, but it can’t be unseen.”

  I must’ve sounded stupid, but I needed clarification. “Do you mean broadcasts, as in on a screen? My personal breakdown is on screens, and people are watching it?”

  He nodded.

  “Oh my God.” That was so unsettling.

  Setting the knife down, he circled the counter so he might put his hands on me, which would lead to something I would either really like or be angry about. Nothing could ever be neutral when we were touching.

  “Lorieyn, I knew they were recording, but you needed immediate attention. You can blame me if you want.”

  As much as I’d love to blame him for everything in my life that had ever gone wrong, this one was not his fault. “Who films a crying stranger?”

  “It wasn’t your intention nor mine, but it seems the human population is largely sympathetic to your suffering. Mothers of hybrids have come forward to speak about how much they love their children and hated having them taken away. Not many, but enough to make a point. You may have inadvertently helped develop human sympathy for our kind. A crying child is a powerful thing, even if that child is an adult. You may have even humanized me somewhat for allowing me to comfort you.”

  Being mated to a general had garnered extra attention too; I was certain. Even my birthmother’s husband had eyes only for my mate. “Richard seemed pretty impressed by you. I thought you were already popular with the humans.”

  “As a violent contender in the arena they could cheer for.” Tucking hair behind my ear, he said, “Their respect for me had nothing to do with my humanity but how much carnage I could rain down on a challenger. I’m a figure to them. Entertainment.” As if proud of me, as if he too might know a taste of shyness, his eyes grew soft. “Until yesterday, I’m not sure many ever considered me a person. Some are even saying a sweet hybrid girl has tamed the wild beast.”

  Tamed? Not in the slightest.

  I was the one with the addiction, and he was still as crazy as ever.

  But maybe there was some good that could be found in this mess after all. I stole another bite of pink fruit, and asked, “Could human acknowledgment of the suffering of hybrid children be leveraged to help the kids at the academy? Would they still send them there to be drilled day and night? What about the little girls crying there? Most of the female recruits hate being soldiers. My friend Agnes wants to study biology at the human university. Could my crying on video help her do that? Should I talk to the humans?”

  “No. I’m sorry, Lorieyn.” Careful of his words, he took his time articulating a denial. “If hybrids don’t have an obvious purpose—protecting humans from vorec—then we are superfluous in their eyes. Worse, we are a threat. Stronger, disease-proof, ageless, beautiful, smarter. Their species does not want to recognize they are already dead. Until our numbers are higher, we cannot risk our children’s safety.”

  This kind of talk could lead to genocide, and I already knew Cyderial had a taste for such things. “Then what is it you have in mind? Torturing hybrid children in the academy is not exactly mercy.”

  His hand came to my shoulder, rubbing where I had grown tense. Watching my every tic, he said, “We’ll have our chance to prove to the universe that we deserve to be here, even if we were not naturally created. But until our gene pool is large enough to be self-sustaining, we still need human women to bear us. We still need to suffer for them in exchange.”

  “You make us sound like some kind of disease, eating away at the very humans I was raised to protect. Waiting them out until our numbers are high enough to make them obsolete.”

  That clever touch moved to the nape of my neck, massaging fingers trilling along the bone. “Humans are the cancer on this world, just as they were back on Earth. We are the cure and the only means of survival on this planet. They will never be able to adapt. Were they wiser, every human female would birth only hybrid children who could care for her until her inevitable death from old age.”

  I could not believe what I was hearing! Throwing off his touch, I let him see just how disgusted I was with his words. “The extremists are right. With talk like that, humans have every right to fear us!”

  “I don’t support a human holocaust. Merely an inevitable transition.” All said as if my temper was expected, accepted, yet unsupportable. “Humans will breed themselves into starvation again. It is only a matter of time. Our video will cause an uptick in the popularity of carrying a hybrid baby. In that, it is a boon for our kind. We need genetic diversity to survive.”

  “You’re talking about something that could be thousands of years away. What about today? What about Agnes? What about all the children you brainwash in the academy now?”

  “Agnes will find a mate, and he will take care of her. He will suffer, so she doesn’t have to.”

  Oh, he had sparked my temper. So much so that I was eyeballing the knife he used to prepare my breakfast. “Agnes doesn’t want a mate; she wants to study biology. I didn’t want a mate. I wanted the fog!”

  My words, my rage, my snarls and booms, they did nothing but encourage the man to smile. A dark thing that made it clear he gained further ground in the battle between us.

  Too late, I realized my slip. I said wanted the fog. Past tense.

  “You are a terrible person, Cyderial.” And the idea of sinking my claws right into his eyes was very appealing. “Don’t play word games with me unless you’re ready to face the consequences of having to put me down, over and over, until my hearts grow so hard I will never be able to love you.”

  “Someday, your craving for the fog will fade, and I will be at your side, taking care of you, challenging you, and keeping you happy in every possible way.”

  He was trying to distract me from the very obvious consequences of my video with his underhanded tactics, and I wasn’t having it. “If my public meltdown encourages more humans to carry hybrid offspring, that would only mean there would be more children suffering in the academy. And it would ultimately be my fault. It’s in direct opposition to what I want for my friends.”

  “You do not have the monopoly on loving our people. Remember that.” He dared run a finger down my jaw, admiring me like I was some work of art. “You already know there is only one immediate answer to the issue of how children are treated within the academy, don’t you, my love?”

  Cocking an eyebrow, I gave him a harsh glare, and snarled, “Assignment as the weapons instructor to babies? Do you remember what those classes are like? What you’re ordering me to do to children I know and love?”

  “Even a small change is an improvement, and they will forgive you when they grow up.” Said with such simplicity by a man who executed children right in front of me.

  Forgive me when they grew up? My head fell into my hands, a weighty sigh warming the flesh of my palms. “I have terms, if you want me to even consider such a monstrosity. The older female recruits will be given education about mates and sex. No unmated female should ever be forced into a bond while blind to the reality of her situation. It’s wrong on every level, Cyderial. Hybrid men are hurting us just as much as the humans are. You must acknowledge that. It is wrong to raise us for your pleasure, leaving us to think we had any choice in the matter of who will claim us in the end.”

  “I do not have the power to give you this.”

  Then what use was he to me? Peeking through my fingers, I saw only my enemy—the general who plagued my days for a decade.

  My hateful glower did not upset him in the slightest. He knew to expect it, to be gentle with me when I was agitated and aggressive. Calm, he did not insult me with a purr, though he did speak delicately. “If you want sex education for females, you must convince the friends I would introduce you to this evening. Show them it would be in their best interest to bond with knowledgeable mates they won’t have to frighten or force the first time. But know this—men who have not heard the song will be less amenable to your ideas. As of now, most generals have no reason to give you something that will not benefit them. Rape or not, they bond a mate regardless.”

  “That is so sad.”

  Stroking my cheek, Cyderial said, “I will support you, but it will risk my position as Director of the academy.”

  The bite of fruit in my stomach turned sour.

  “They bond a mate regardless?” My eyes fell to my swollen belly, ashamed of myself for allowing all I had. “And I am the perfect example of how quickly addicted females will succumb. Look at me. How many days has it even been? And I’m eating breakfast with you as if⁠—”

  “Stop right there.” He flicked my chin up and made me meet his eyes. “You have a goal. Focus on progress. Don’t waste your time wallowing in whatever narrative is making you frown like that.”

  But I was angry and possessed a comforting knack for rebellion. “I could just leak information on mating into the female dorm.”

  “You can’t cheat on every test, sweetheart. Hints lead to rumor. Misinformation would spread to a detriment to all. Sometimes, you have to actually show the world what you’re made of. Take on the men. They don’t stand a chance against you.” He stole a kiss, his tongue tracing my lips for a quick taste of pink fruit. “And if you were wise, you would focus on General Thayer. He will give you whatever you want, if you support him in wooing Maeve.”

  6

  The sly smirk on Cyderial’s face each time I began to fidget was a clear sign he was quite proud of his work. Managing a belly while trying to just sit comfortably was unusual to the extreme. The ramrod spine and perfect posture required at the academy was impossible like this. I had to lounge, make myself vulnerable in order to sink into the plush chair Cyderial prepared for me. Such indolent behavior went against an entire life trained for vigilance. Made me anxious as the male fluffed pillows and placed them to support the unnatural arch in my back. It was all the stranger when a blanket so soft I could not begin to imagine what it was made of was laid over my lap.

  In my hands, a fresh magazine full of forbidden female things Cyderial offered, if only I might sit in his company while he read.