Jesi’s role now was to wait until they arrived at the lake, so he packed and cleaned, and finished writing his notes to his family and friends. There was also a long and detailed ‘confession’ about what he was about to do, taking responsibility, and generally making it as easy as possible for Luiz to disclaim any foreknowledge should he buy it on the mission. She was going to do the same thing—if anything happened to one of them, the notes would be found by investigators. Ajui was going to be the villain of the piece in both versions, so no surprise there, but there was no one he had to explain himself to who wouldn’t just kill him on sight whatever he said. Everything was being done to make things nice and tidy should Jesi die.

  “And if you don’t?” I asked him that evening, as we waited for Luiz to return. “Don’t you think you should make some kind of plans, love?”

  He shrugged. “If Luiz dies, I’ll need to help her family. If she doesn’t...then I guess I’m free to do what I like.” He laughed, a sour sound. “Apparently I’m due a hefty lump sum from our work insurance on account of you dying, Nev. Not exactly the kind of windfall I was hoping for.”

  “Take it and travel, Jes,” I told him. “Take me with you, let’s see the world. We can still do that.”

  “You don’t need me any more for that.”

  “Sweeter with you, babe. Live the life we both wanted, for both of us.”

  “Say that again when this is all over, Nev,” he said. “Because if this fails, there won’t be a life for anyone.”

  It was useless to try and get him not to focus on the immediate future, and probably dangerous, but his lack of interest in afterwards worried me. When Luiz and Ajui returned, their mission successful, I cornered her in the bathroom and told her my concern. “Not sure what I can do,” she said, her expression sad but thoughtful. “I mean, it’s awful for him, the way it is now.”

  “But I’m still here—doesn’t that mean anything?”

  “Of course it does,” she said, smiling. “More than anything...for me, anyway. Being able to...say goodbye, at least. But for him, he’s caught now. He can’t grieve, because you’re here. He can’t be happy because you’re still dead. He can’t...do all those things he wanted to do with you for the rest of his life...make love, work together, be together. This,” she said, waving her hand at me, “isn’t the same. And it’s not a hell of a lot of incentive to keep going. I always hoped...if you guys bought it, you’d die together. You’d be even worse if he’d gone first. Of course, I was kinda hoping you’d be there to visit me in the nursing home.”

  “I figured we could share a room,” I said, trying to grin, but inside, it was like someone had stuck a fork in my heart. “Just get him out alive, babe. That’s all I want. I’ll have to take care of the rest of it.”

  “He won’t be alone, Nev. If I make it, I swear, I’ll be there, do all I can to help.” She looked at me from under her lashes. “He lied to me, didn’t he? About not trying to kill himself?” I nodded, and she screwed up her face in irritation. “Bastard. I won’t let that happen again.”

  “Counting on it, Luiziuj.”

  “On my honour, Nevo. Now clear out before you get an eyeful.”

  The apartment was a lot quieter once she left after supper. Even Ajui was subdued, and when Jesi reminded him that they’d have to finish shaving his head down to the skin in preparation for the train journey in the morning, he made no more than a token snide remark before allowing Jesi to do the job. He seemed more fascinated than anything by his appearance, especially when they made a practice run with the makeup Luiz had obtained. Jesi had been reading up about the ‘condition’ he was supposed to be suffering from, and as they messed about with powder and paint, he briefed Ajui on it in case someone asked him any awkward questions.

  When he was done, even Parido had to admit Ajui looked horrible in the best possible way. “Good,” Jesi said. “Then we should blend in.”

  “You won’t, muscleman,” Ajui said, picking up a cloth to wipe the gunk off his face. “You’re gonna stick out like a sore prick.”

  Jesi chuckled at the image. “Hopefully I won’t be on display too long.” He yawned. “Right—time for bed. Breakfast at seven sharp, Tinun. I laid in stores for the trip as well.”

  Ajui grinned. “Me too.”

  “Well, just be careful—you’re supposed to be dying, remember? Good night.”

  The friendly smile disappeared as soon as Jesi was in the bedroom and behind closed doors. He began to undress, but his thoughts were somewhere else—not on me, for sure. I waited until he climbed under the covers, and appeared to notice me again. “Worried?” I asked.

  “Yes. I don’t want Luiz on this, however much we need her and however glad I am she’s talking to me.”

  “She won’t back out now, love.”

  He sighed heavily. “I know, and I know why, but even if she doesn’t get killed, she’s bound to be arrested, and this story we’ve cooked up won’t stand much scrutiny.”

  “Then tell them the truth, Jes,” I said, sitting on the bed. “Tell them exactly what’s going on. They’ll assume you’ve both lost your minds, or that Ajui’s been fucking with your head.”

  “You know, that’s worth a try. I’ll call her and tell her that.” He shook his head. “They’ll put us in a mental home, but I guess we take our meds, get ‘cured’ and they let us go. If that doesn’t work, I doubt much else will. Assuming we’re even around at the end of it.”

  “I don’t want you talking about that,” I said, getting cranky. “Positive attitude, okay?”

  He gave me an ironic salute. “Yessir, sir. I don’t really want to talk about it either, so let’s stop.”

  He reached over to switch off the lamp. “Wait....”

  He paused and looked at me. “What?”

  “I....” I couldn’t really complain about how lonely it was for me when he went to sleep. He needed his rest...but.... “There’s something...I’d like. You can say ‘no’, if you want.”

  “Have to know what it is first, Nev,” he said, looking amused and settling back against the pillow.

  “Could you...touch yourself? So I can watch...pretend it’s me?”

  “Oh, Nev. Won’t that make it worse?”

  “Yes. But I need it, Jes. I need to feel...like we still...like we’re still lovers.”

  “I still love you. I always will.”

  “But not with your body. I miss it...miss us.”

  His smile didn’t reach his sad brown eyes. “It was weird having Luiz with me last night. It was scary how much...I wanted to be with someone. Needed to be with you, but she was all there was.”

  “I didn’t mind. I understood. I’d have climbed in with you, if I could.”

  The smile brightened a little. “Luiz would have loved that. All her fantasies come true. She’s had a crush on you for years.”

  “And on you.”

  He shrugged. Old news, and while the three of us had flirted and bantered and climbed all over each other when we were drunk or tired or high on adrenaline, Luiz knew how far she could go, and so did we. Jesi was a one-man man, and so was I. “Maybe you should get some sleep, babe.”

  “In a bit.” He pushed the covers down, revealing his strong, dark-skinned body. “I’ll do this, but you have to tell me where. My hand, your desire.”

  He rested his hand on his chest, just below his nipple, looking at me, waiting. I swallowed, feeling a bit nervous. We’d done this before—at least, he’d jerked off while I watched—but it was different when I couldn’t touch him, when all I had were my eyes and my voice. “Would it help if you were naked too?” he asked when I hesitated.

  “I don’t know if I can take these off,” I said, pawing at my clothes. They didn’t seem to want to come off. “Maybe you have to imagine me naked.”

  “Done,” he grinned. “Still hot, love.”

  I looked down—yep, we had achieved nudity. “You better work out how to put them back before tomorrow or Ajui will flip out.”

  “His problem,” Jesi said peacefully. “What would you like me to do?”

  “Here,” I said, running my ghostly hand over his left nipple. He trailed his fingers over it, teased it, made it peak. “Twist it.”

  He obliged, tugging and pulling and tormenting it, until it was pebbled and tight. Lord, I wanted to suck on it. “Now...run your hand....” I passed my hand down his stomach, and his hand followed, slowly, down that tight, muscled belly, down to just above the treasure trail of dark hairs. His tanned hand was darker than the olive skin on his stomach, long fingers that could caress or fight just as easy. He toyed with the hairs at the base of his belly, plucking them up, catching them and letting them go. “Both,” I breathed, showing him on my own body how I wanted him to touch his nipple and his stomach. “Show me, love. Spread out for me.”

  He parted his legs. I remembered the feel of them, tangled with mine, or when his powerful thigh thrust between my legs, forcing me to open myself to his need. How just the touch of his knee against my backside used to get me hard in a second. How sometimes I’d rub myself on him, sitting on his leg—there weren’t many men who could easily support someone my size, but to Jesi, I weighed nothing. The strength of him, endless, effortless, and so much grace with that power. I’d never seen him make a clumsy move, and he had so much control over that strength.

  “Beautiful,” I murmured, shadowing his hands with mine, trying to pretend I could feel those wiry hairs, that tight, hard nub that was so very sensitive to lips or teeth.

  I should be hard now. Just him being naked was usually enough. But the dead don’t get erections, apparently, and while his dick was filling, a thick, wonderful length near his exploring hand, I was as limp as...as a corpse. I hoped he wouldn’t take it personally. Or maybe he saw me as hard, even if I didn’t. I didn’t understand more than about one percent of this crap, and none of that was the important stuff.

  “Talk to me, love,” he whispered. “Tell me what you want.”

  “I want to touch you. I want to feel you. I want...I want to make you come.”

  He moved his hand down, wrapped it around himself. “Keep talking. Let me hear you.”

  I shook my head. “It’s not working.”

  “Talk to me, Nev. I love your voice.”

  I choked out a laugh. “Yeah, right. Common as shit, Nevo Langse is. Was.”

  “No, he isn’t. This is your hand, love. Your big hand, lovely long fingers. Can you feel my pulse, that big vein in my prick? Remember that?”

  I scrubbed at my eyes. “Yeah.”

  “And what does the skin feel like?”

  “Soft,” I whispered. “Like...the skin under your ear. Sliding over that hardness. So big, Jes. You’ve got the biggest dick of any man I ever slept with.”

  “All three of them,” he said with a grin. “Keep going.” He was stroking, just lazy, keeping the engine idling—brought his thumb up under the head, and he went a little rigid, his breath hissing.

  “Like that, babe?”

  “Oh yeah. When you used to do that, I felt like my eyes were rolling back in my head.”

  “Squeeze it. Do it harder.”

  He arched a little as he obeyed, the precum glistening as he got more excited. “Maybe some lube?” I said, mesmerised by how he was into this.

  “Don’t...want to...stop...keep talking....”

  “Lord, I want to put my mouth on you.”

  “Tell me what you’d do.”

  “Damn. I’d lick you from the root, Jes. Taste all of you, wrap my tongue around you and give you a real good time. Then I’d cup your balls, feel their weight, as I took you deep, lots of spit, lots of suck, maybe a little teeth to make it interesting....”

  “Oh, shit, Nev....”

  “Harder, babe. Make it faster. Let me see. Spread your legs more, let me...oh yeah....” His eyes were squeezed shut, one hand around his prick, the other over his balls, using his thumb the way I would. “Yeah, Jes, love you, love to touch you, I want you so fucking hard....”

  And he came, a little grunt as he shot, his hands still now, his body going slack as he finished. I reached out a hand to touch him, then clenched my fist in frustration as it passed through him again. “Aw, fuck it, Jes...just fuck it....”

  He opened his eyes, and saw my face. “Nev.” He sat up and I looked away, ashamed and...feeling more than naked in my desperate need for him, to touch him, to have more than this...fake.... “It’s all right, love....”

  “Fucking ain’t!” I spat, curling my lip in disgust at myself. I ignored his reaching hand and stalked out straight through the walls and back into the living room. There I let out a quiet scream, cursing the fate that had got me killed and him left alone, his hands the only comfort he would get now, the only sex we’d have together.

  “Lord, please,” I begged, sinking to my knees. “I don’t want this.”

  “Your religion hasn’t anything to do with this,” a cold, unwelcome voice said behind me.

  I noticed my clothes had reappeared, not that I cared. “Fuck off, Parido,” I said through gritted teeth. “This ain’t nothing to do with you.”

  “No, it’s not, except your bellowing is rather distracting. Not exactly made of stern stuff, are you, Langse? A few days and you’re bawling like a child?”

  “Leave me alone.”

  He walked around in front of me. To my surprise, his expression wasn’t scornful or sneering. It was almost...pity. “You get used to it,” he said. “The first hundred years are the worst.”

  “I can’t. Even if this works, this ceremony thing, I...I’m gonna go to Firna and ask her to send me on. Jes needs more than I can give him like this.”

  He paused, then said, “So does Tinu. But I think you’d find they’ve got different ideas.” He crouched down so he was in my face. “They have it the easiest, you know. They’re still able to engage with life, talk to people, be...in it all. It’s us who have it hard. But for all that, we need them. Run away and you might never find him again. Is it worth it? Ending this? Is that a price you want to pay?”

  “No,” I whispered. “But I don’t want him to die either.”

  “Life—and death—is all about juggling conflicting needs, Langse. I’m surprised you haven’t discovered that.” He stood up, looked down at me. “It’s a mistake to try and hang onto the physical pleasures. It’s only going to torment you—and him.”

  “Why do you care?”

  “I don’t. It’s an observation. Now get up, go in, calm him down, and let him get some sleep because he’s going to need it. And stop engaging him in sexual acts because his shields drop and it’s hurting Tinu.”

  I almost snarled that I couldn’t give a shit, but looking at Parido’s empty expression, I knew that his lover didn’t need this. The situation was already unbearable. Spreading the misery around wouldn’t make me feel better either. “I don’t think that’s likely,” I said coldly, getting to my feet. “I’m still going to ask Firna to send me on. I can find Jes again. I know I can.”

  “There’s a forty-three percent probability that you’re correct,” he allowed.

  He turned on his heel and walked back towards Ajui’s room. “Wait.” He stopped, but didn’t look around. “How...did you get through? How could you bear it, Parido?”

  “You make it sound like I had a choice. Good night, Langse.” And then he disappeared.

  Good night. Yeah, some joke. I wiped at my eyes, and tried to look as if it wasn’t any big deal, then I headed back to our bedroom, preparing to lie my head off for Jesi’s sake. I would have done much harder things, to try and make him happy.

  Chapter 10 — Transitional Arrangements

  Jesi and I didn’t talk much about what happened. I felt like a complete prick when he’d tried so hard to make it good for me, and he just felt guilty, I knew. Ajui must have known what was going on, but he said nothing about it on the six-hour train journey to Kar-det-wei. No one said much at all. Ajui and Parido talked a bit, but even though Jesi had paid for a private compartment, they kept being interrupted by conductors and other service staff, so they had to be careful what they said.

  Jesi hadn’t got that much sleep, which was my damn fault. I wanted him to nap on the train, but he looked at Ajui and shook his head. “No. He won’t be able to talk to Parido if I’m asleep. Make the most of it, Tinun.” No one explained why it might be a good idea to make the most of it now. No one had to.

  Ajui was made up again as a sick man, but there were plenty of people who didn’t need make-up to look like they were dying. The entire train was packed with the sick, the desperate, their carers and even, I learned from conversations I caught the few times I wandered off just to get away from the tense atmosphere in the compartment, people who had lost loved ones and were looking for consolation. It was all completely fake, I knew. The shrine had been created entirely by the Exalted, using a phoney holy seer and some elaborately set up mock cures, and people’s imagination and desperation did the rest. The irony was, Parido had told me, that the power of hope and the human mind had actually managed to create a few genuine ‘miracle’ cures, which had only increased the shrine’s reputation. Every so often, one of the Exalteds’ pet seers would have ‘visions’ and claim to communicate with the dead using simple telepathy to pull key information from the heads of their dupes.

  They hadn’t used any of their Bridges for this—the existence of Bridges was considered too great a secret to reveal, even for the sake of keeping their shrine operating, and they didn’t need them to pull off their con job. It was a sweet and lucrative deal—and yet for the Exalted, it brought in nothing more than pocket change compared to their worldwide activities. Luiz swore once this mission was over, she was going to do what she could to get the ESF to investigate this group. Parido had only given her a cynical smile and wished her luck. No one had told her about ESF’s other activity—Jesi was determined to keep her as uncontaminated as he could. He wanted her to be able to go back to work, even if he couldn’t.