We talked a little about the night’s shooting and what I’d be doing tonight, but Mum was more curious about my visitors. “That Mister Kani’s a handsome fellow,” she said, looking at me over her tea cup, her mouth quirking mischievously. “I take it you’re wooing him?”

  “‘Wooing’?”

  “There’s a better word?”

  “Mu-um. No, I'm not ‘wooing’ him—Lord, not in front of bloody Matsin anyway. He and his brother did me a big favour a few weeks ago and I thought it would be a fun way to repay them, that’s all.” I hoped she wouldn’t ask what favour because I hated lying to her.

  “But you’re interested?”

  “He thinks I'm a moron. Seems to be a popular opinion.”

  “Only with the stupid,” she said, annoyed at anyone insulting her baby boy. “His brother’s, um....”

  “A little weirdo?”

  “Well, yes. Something’s odd about him, for sure.”

  “He’s schizophrenic. Hears voices in his head. Funny thing is...it’s almost like he can read your mind. It’s biza—” I had to jump back a little as tea splashed from her cup. I looked up from the puddle. She’d turned white. “Mum? Are you okay?”

  “Y-yes. Yes, I'm fine. Voices, you say?”

  “Yeah. I guess there has to be more to it or I’d be schizophrenic too, right?”

  She smiled a little at my joke, but her heart wasn’t in it. “Schizophrenia’s a serious illness, so I'm sure there’s a lot more wrong with him.”

  “Not just stress.”

  She gave me a sharp look. “Not just stress. He’s not like you. There’s nothing wrong with you, Jesevo. You’re not sick. You don’t need a brother to help you function and you’re certainly not weird or a moron. Shame Mister Kani’s taken that line. I thought he seemed such a nice young man.”

  “He is, Mum. I...might not have made the best impression on him to begin with, and you know what people think about actors. They read enough crap about us.”

  She relaxed slightly, though she kept a tight grip on her teacup. “True, and if he’s not had much to do with them before....”

  “Matsin’s trying to persuade Pel to let Urei come onto the set for a few nights, to do studies for some new art. Pel’s worried because he’s all Urei has. I get the impression there’s some bad shit in their past. They both lost their parents when they were young.”

  I explained what I knew of their history, and about Pel. Mum’s disapproval of him slowly melted into sympathy. “Oh those poor boys,” she said. “You should invite them over some time. They sound like they live such an isolated life.”

  Personally, I doubted Pel would ever accept that invitation. “Maybe. If Urei comes to the set and it goes okay, I can ask him. He’s really busy.”

  “See how it goes, hon. How’s your foot doing? Are they going to have you jumping over things tonight?”

  The rest of the meal was just the same as it usually was with her, and the strange little fit wasn’t mentioned. I did some script reading, preparing my lines for the night’s work, but then went back to bed. I was woken at four by my communicator, which I’d forgotten to turn off. I pulled my face away from the pillow and glared at the little screen. “Matsin, this better not be—”

  “Jay, it’s Pel. Lord, did I wake you? I'm sorry.”

  “Uh, don’t worry about it. Is something wrong?”

  “No, not at all. I wanted to say that I’ve talked to the staff here and they think they can manage a few evenings without me if I shift a bit of work around, so if Mister Ro is still keen, Urei and I would like to take him up on his offer.”

  I sat up. “Great! When...I mean, I don’t know if tonight’s going to be shooting stunts, not for sure—”

  “It doesn’t matter. Urei said he would just like to observe the entire process of film making, even the minutiae. He does that a lot. If I take him to a garden full of flowers and trees, he’ll make a three picture study of a piece of bark.”

  I laughed. “I think we’re a bit more interesting than a piece of bark. Are you sure? I know it’s a hassle.”

  “It is, but as you reminded me, he never asks for anything. It’ll be boring as hell for me, but I want him to have as rich a life as he can with his illness.”

  “We’ll do what we can to make it not suck, Pel. If you want a workspace, or an assistant, Matsin will arrange it. Just name it. I’ve got some pull. He’s got more.”

  “Thank you, but I don’t need ‘pull’. Is tonight convenient?”

  “Sure. Matsin was pushing so he can damn well put himself out if it’s not. I’ll have a luxar sent, say for nine?”

  “Eight, please. We’ll have eaten.”

  He fell silent.

  “Um, I'm really pleased—” I offered.

  “It’s not for you,” he snapped. “Eight, then. Good day.”

  The call terminated and I sighed. Pel still thought I was an idiot—and a drug-dealing one at that. The fact I hadn’t taken Moxi or anything else since that night would mean nothing to him, I guessed.

  “Oh, you’re awake, hon.” Mum stood in the doorway. “Do you want something to eat? Was that a call for you?”

  “Yeah, food would be good. It was Pel. They’re coming out to the set tonight.”

  “Oh, that’s nice. I’ll try and stop by.”

  Matsin was smugly satisfied, and pulled out all the stops to make Urei’s visit a safe and comfortable one. I’d have been impressed by his kindness if I didn’t think the gears were clicking and he’d build this up into some kind of promotional opportunity. Pel would rip his balls off if he did, and I’d not lift a finger to stop him. Sometimes Matsin went way too far to promote my career, though I had to admit his ideas tended to work exactly as planned. He was infamous in the film industry for never putting a foot wrong. Uncanny, was what they said. Always picked the right script, the right actor. Invested in the right films, turned the money he made into bigger and better ones. He was only twenty-eight. Producers twice his age spoke in awe of his instincts. Success tended to breed success in this industry, but only if you were smart. Matsin was crazy smart. It didn’t mean the rest of us had house plant level intellects, though.

  I didn’t see much of Pel that night, but Mum said hello and reported that Matsin seemed to have it all under control. She spoke warmly of Pel and how polite he’d been, so caring of his brother. Urei, she liked less. Maybe she was creeped out by him.

  The main thing was that it went smoothly, and Pel considered it a success. He agreed to arrange another three visits with Urei while my film was still night shooting, and they went so well, I managed to persuade Pel to meet me for lunch to celebrate. I kept it low key, since Matsin had been overdoing the luxury angle a bit, and I could have been wrong but I thought Pel preferred it simple. We met at Kula’s. It was good enough for me and Mum. It was good enough for the likes of Pel.

  He was dressed casually in a cream shirt, open at the neck and leather trousers, which he carried off as well as any model I knew, the leather stretching enticingly over crotch and butt. Bet I could have bounced a coin off his backside. He carried his cane again, and I wondered if I’d ever have a chance to see him use it.

  “I thought you’d choose somewhere a little more private,” he said after we ordered, looking around Kula’s large, friendly dining area, busy as it always was. Mum said it had been popular even when she was still a cop—and where she and her late friends had often eaten together. I suspected that was why it was one of her favourite places. The same family had run it for over forty years. Old man Kula retired a while back and passed it over to his daughter and her husband, but he was still around, big, chatty, always a smile for me and Mum.

  “Nah, this is good. No one bothers me here. If anyone spots a press hound, they’ll run him out. Matsin won’t eat here—too low class for him. It’s another reason I like it,” I said, winking, and he laughed. He had a nice, generous laugh. I didn’t suppose he used it much.

  “He’s a bit of a snob, isn’t he? Though I have to say, he’s been so very kind to Urei. You both have. I'm grateful.”

  “You’re welcome. So how’s his art coming?”

  I’d never seen him this open and enthusiastic before. If I’d asked him about his work, he’d have shut me out, I think, but Urei’s art had the words spilling out of him. “It’s incredible, Jay. I was with him the entire time and he’s recorded details that I guarantee ninety-nine out of a hundred people would never have noticed. I haven’t seen him this fired up since he did his art studies. You were right—he needed this outside stimulation.”

  “Actually, it was Matsin who pushed that. I’d never have come up with that.”

  “Oh, him.” Pel sniffed. “He’s up to something, I know that.”

  “And you don’t care?”

  “Not really, because I can stop him if it’s too outrageous. The main thing is that Urei’s on fire. He’s happier, more focussed than in ages.”

  He smiled at me then, and I think that’s when it happened. When I fell head over fucking heels for the big goof with his smiling dark eyes, perfect teeth, wide shoulders and generous heart. He was the man I always wanted to be, and wasn’t smart enough to become, and he would always be out of reach because all I had to offer was charm and good looks. A man like Pel Kani just wasn’t interested in that. He needed depth, and brains, and altruism, and I was just a stupid actor, like he thought.

  Didn’t stop me falling though, or wishing I could convince him. But I swore that I’d do whatever it took to keep him smiling and his brother happy, because that made Pel happy.

  “So,” I said, showing nothing of the landslide that had just occurred in my heart—hey, I wasn’t much, but I was a fair to middling actor—“how come you could take the time off to have lunch, and all the way over here, even?”

  “I decided you were right about that too. Urei’s suffering because of my job. I need to slow down, let other people take the load. We haven’t had a holiday in far too long, and my working in the evenings and most weekends is selfish. I think one of the reasons Urei’s so inspired is that he’s been around people. He’s so self-contained, I forget that he enjoys company, and though I think your Mister Ro’s a bit of a creep, he certainly stimulates Urei. He needs that. I have to accept I can’t be everything to him anymore. I could...well, something could happen to me like it did to my mother, and if Urei remains isolated, then he’ll have no one and nothing. It’s unkind, and certainly not what she would have wanted.”

  His smile disappeared as he spoke of his mother. I reached over and touched his hand. “I think she’d be proud and pleased of how well you look after him.”

  “You think so?”

  “I know so. My mum says you’re wonderful. She’d adopt you in a heartbeat.”

  He sat back in his chair and laughed. “Oh dear, I'm a bit old for that. She’s lovely though. I’ve really enjoyed talking to her. She suggested to Urei that he might like to visit a film set during the day, maybe some of the acting and stunt schools. I thought that was an excellent suggestion. He’s fascinated by the illusions, you see.”

  “The lying.”

  “Uh, yes.” He looked somewhat abashed at that. “He takes a rather literal approach to things sometimes. I'm afraid his early childhood left him with too much damage for us to repair. The illness just added to that.”

  “Still, he does incredible work. Maybe if he wasn’t so...um...different....”

  He lifted an eyebrow. “Crazy?”

  “You said it, not me. If he wasn’t so...you know...then he might not be such a great artist. He might have been ordinary, like me.”

  “You’re far from ordinary, Jay.”

  “Still only an actor.”

  “We all have our flaws.”

  He grinned, the most friendly and relaxed he’d ever been with me, intensifying my crush to screaming point. I had to use all my acting talent not to blurt out how I felt. The knowledge that the man would laugh in my face was a big incentive not to.

  We left, him none the wiser, and I went home and jerked off furiously to the memory of his perfect lips and tight leather pants, knowing that memories were all I could ever have. I’d never felt this way about anyone, not even Matsin, though in the early days, I’d panted after him pretty hard. Pel was the one for me. I knew it like I knew my name.

  Orgasm left me despairing for what I couldn’t have. I only knew two ways of relieving this kind of anguish—drugs or Matsin. I’d sort of taken a vow not to touch the drugs unless things became unbearable—not wanting to see the scorn in Pel’s eyes again—so that left my manager. I hadn’t been over there much since the film finished shooting. I’d had a couple of days’ post-production recording to do for that, tested for some other films, but otherwise I was free do what I liked, so I called him.

  “Hey, Matsin. Busy?”

  “I'm always busy, Jay. Don’t be slow.”

  I kept smiling though I wanted to snarl at him. “Too busy to fool around? Dinner and...fun and games?”

  He checked something off to the side of the screen. “Why not? Come at seven. I’ll expect you to be ready for me.”

  Which meant he planned to use me hard and not waste time in foreplay. Suited me just fine. A good, rough fucking might take my mind off Pel because I couldn’t imagine him doing anything like that.

  Matsin took me over the back of the couch without so much as a ‘hello’, then cuffed my hands behind me and made me sit on the floor while he fed me, pushing my shirt off my shoulders and twisting my nipples as he spooned soup to me. I knew better than to expect to be allowed to come anytime soon, so I could only watch him massage himself through his trousers, his erection bulging behind the fine cloth until he suddenly freed himself and pushed my face into his lap.

  He didn’t let me finish him off though. He shoved me back and turned me over, pulling my trousers down and exposing my arse again, which he fucked without mercy and little finesse, though he slapped me hard for humping the carpet, trying to get some friction going. It didn’t stop me though, so he whaled on me properly until I wept and begged for mercy. He fucked me again, but this time his hand reached underneath, seizing my cock and stroking me off fast and nastily. By the time he came in my arse, I was limp and tear-soaked beneath him, barely able to move.

  He pulled out, and wandered off to clean himself off. I heard taps running and his footsteps as I lay with my eyes closed, feeling the sting in my arse and the exhaustion of sex and spanking. My arms were beginning to cramp a little, but before I could complain, he returned and unlocked the cuffs, wiped me down and helped me sit up. To my surprise, he let me lean against him for a bit, even put his arms around me. A week ago, this would have been heaven. Now I felt miserable because this wasn’t who I wanted.

  “Bed?” he murmured.

  “Yeah.”

  He had to help me stand, pulling my pants up and my shirt down. He stared at me with an odd expression, his glasses for once, hiding what was going on in his eyes. “This isn’t what you want, is it?” I blurted out.

  “It will do for now,” he said, turning away from me.

  “But I'm never going to be...you’re still looking for someone.” On the sideboard behind me, I’d noticed a sculpture earlier, a small, precise study of an athlete balanced on one hand. Matsin glanced at it again, as he’d done several times that night, and I suddenly realised who the sculptor had to be. “Someone like...Urei?”

  He glanced sharply at me. “Has he said anything to you?”

  “No. But you have, just now. You want him.” His jaw worked. “You love him.”

  “Yes,” he whispered. “No...I don’t know.”

  I blinked. Matsin saying “I don’t know” was like waking up and finding the sun had turned purple. “But...something.”

  “Yes.”

  He straightened. I was conscious I was rumpled, smelled of sweat and semen, and totally not in love with the man who had just fucked me. He wasn’t in love with me either. “So...where does that leave us?”

  “Where it always did, Jay. You’re my client and a friend. Our relationship is essentially an affectionate business arrangement.”

  “Do you have to be so fucking cold, Matsin? I...care. This is important to me.”

  He took his glasses off and looked at me, curiously naked without the shielding acrylic. “I care too,” he said quietly. “But...did you really think this was going anywhere?”

  “I guess I...I wished it could. I wanted it to be possible.”

  “But you know it’s not.”

  Yes, I knew it. I didn’t want to face it so soon because if I could never have Pel, and it was over with Matsin, where did that leave me?

  “So what happens now?” I hated that needy tone to my voice, so pathetic. It hadn’t been one of my best days, all in all.

  “You can stay, if you want. Nothing has to change.”

  “It already has. I’ll go. Probably better.”

  Matsin found my coat which he’d flung aside in our feral haste to fuck, but as I took it from his hands, he cupped my chin and kissed my cheek with tenderness he’d never shown before. “I want you to know this wasn’t meaningless.”

  “Still friends?” I said, managing to smile. Yeah, I could still act.

  “Still friends, and I'm grateful for your...acceptance.”

  “You know he’s very ill. He might never be ready for someone. He might not even swing your way.”

  “I know all that.” He slipped his glasses back on, and the mask descended. “It may never be something I can admit to him, but I can’t help how I feel.”

  “He’s special. I wish you luck.” I kissed him quickly on the cheek, then put my coat on. “Talk to you tomorrow.”

  “Uh, yes. We might hear about that test.”

  “Sure. See you.”