Eliza holds up her phone. “Some Rockton tea account posted this grainy photo of you guys on bikes.”

  Taking a closer look, you can’t really make anything out. But I know it’s us. Still, even if we were there, that means and proves nothing.

  “Yeah, Lark asked me to go to her class because one of the instructors was a big fan.” I shrug like it’s no big deal, even though my heart is a mopey, defunct thing in my chest.

  The lie is completely believable, and I know that anyone who saw us there didn’t witness anything more than platonic friendship, and it’s no use denying it. That would make us look even more guilty.

  “You guys hang out?” Kurt is stuffing chocolates into his face from the gift basket a sponsor just sent.

  “It was a cycling class. For a fan. That’s not hanging out.” Lark still doesn’t take her head out of her laptop.

  “At first, I was like ‘are they secretly dating?’ But how crazy would that be?” Eliza starts laughing as if that would be the most hilarious thing on earth.

  My stomach bottoms out, and every hair stands on end because she has no clue how close to the truth she is.

  Kurt doubles over with laughter. “Oh my God, how weird would it be if they were dating? They’d claw each other’s eyes out.”

  “Dating? Who is dating?” Nic walks into the conversation, with Kelly closely behind him.

  “We were just saying that it would be so weird if Collin and Lark were dating,” Eliza supplies.

  Nic booms out a laugh. “That wouldn’t be weird, it would be a disaster. Oh God, imagine if the two podcast hosts who usually fight like cats and dogs went on their respective shows to chew each other out. On sexual encounters no less! Honestly, it would bring in the views, though.”

  My blood runs cold and then freezes entirely when I see the muscle tic in Lark’s cheek. Because I know her. At this point, I know her better than anyone else in this room, though she’d deny it to them. And I can tell she’s thought exactly what Nic just put into words.

  Which makes me wonder if she’d actually throw me to the wolves on her show if it came down to it.

  “No it wouldn’t.” Kelly hits her husband in the arm. “Lark would be very good for Collin. She’d sharpen him up a bit, and he’d make her less rigid. They’d be the perfect blend now that I think about it. Opposites attract and all that.”

  Our female boss stands there tapping her chin, her eagle gaze on Lark as if she wants my secret hookup to say something. A beat of silence ticks by, and all the eyes in the room swivel between Lark and me. She won’t acknowledge a soul, and I’m stuck here physically biting my tongue, feeling like the one who must come up with something to say.

  “How crazy,” I mumble before turning back to the computer.

  “All righty then …” I think that’s Nic who notes the awkwardness in the room, but I’m not going to sit here and lie to these people.

  If Lark doesn’t want to say shit, if this is how this ends, then let her dig that grave.

  After ten minutes of conversation swinging away from our relationship and then dissolving as people get back to work, my anxiety notches higher and higher. Until I can’t sit at my desk, I’m so antsy and decide to get out of the building for lunch.

  I’m exiting and walking to my car when I smell her, that delicious scent that is purely Lark.

  Of course she’s following me here, where no one can hear our conversation.

  “Collin.” I hear her voice behind me, but I don’t stop walking.

  The cold wind blasts against my face, and I relish the pain.

  “Would you stop?” There is a pleading note to Lark’s voice that I’ve never heard before, and it’s the only thing that has me turning around.

  She’s standing among the piles of dirty snow that the plow pushed to the sides of the parking lot, her arms wrapped around her sweater.

  “Why are you always running outside without a coat?” I ask, my voice hoarse.

  “That … in there … where have you been?” The jumble of questions plays out over her expression, which is strikingly vulnerable right now.

  “What do you want to know, Lark? I lied to them, isn’t that what you wanted? I also didn’t realize you would want to know where I’ve been. You didn’t want to accompany me to wherever it was, so it’s kind of a moot point to detail it out for you.”

  Her sky-blue eyes look glassy, and I can’t imagine she’d be upset about not hearing from me. “I’m … I don’t know what you want me to say.”

  There are so many things I want her to say. An apology, a declaration of what we are, admitting she has feelings for me.

  “Say that this is more to you than just your normal hookup, you could start there.” The needy side of me is seeking validation that I’m not alone in this.

  “Collin … if they found out about us, it would change so many things. You have to know that the people we work with can’t know about this, it’s like I said originally—”

  My bitter chuckle causes her to stop talking. “You want to know where I’ve been? Away, from you. I had to take some space, because for me, this is different than any normal hookup. You want me to say it first, to take the leap? What was it your event planner said? ‘Tip someone over the edge to make a real commitment.’ I guess that’s me. I like you, Lark. This is different than it has been with anyone else. For the first time in my life, I don’t want to hide. I don’t want to finish having sex and walk out the door. But you don’t want those things, isn’t that the irony? You want the orgasms and the lies and the competition. You can’t have them if I’m not playing, though. And I’m not, not anymore. The games you love? Count me out.”

  Sadness is a fist around my heart, wringing the hope and kernel of love I thought I was maturing for right out of it. Lark stands there with her face scrunched up like she’s on the verge of tears but is too stubborn to let me see them.

  I hadn’t meant to take things to this level, to lay it all out on the line without ever having a rational talk about us before. But I know deep down Lark would never have listened to reason. Jesse’s thoughts on spending time with the person after the spark dulled only left me with one face tattooed on my brain—hers. I would be all in if she said the word, but she’ll never get there. I realize that at this moment.

  So she knows exactly how I feel. That vulnerability claws me open, as if my organs are on full display, but it also spreads relief like a balm through my body. At least I can walk away knowing I’m not the one who screwed up here. My biggest fear hasn’t come true.

  But walk away I do. And she doesn’t stop me.

  19

  LARK

  Humbling myself has always been one of the hardest things for me to do.

  No one likes to admit when they’re wrong, but when you grow up with so few people telling you anything you do is right, it’s even more difficult, which is why my palms are sweating as I stand outside of Collin’s place, those sweaty palms stuffed in the pockets of my puffy coat as I shiver.

  I rang his doorbell three minutes ago, and he still hasn’t answered. I know he’s home, or at least his lights are on, and his car is in its usual spot. I ring again, feeling completely desperate for doing so, but I came all the way over here to apologize, so I’m at least going to give it my best effort.

  Not a minute later, the door swings open, and Collin stands before me in black sweatpants, a gray long-sleeve, and huge headphones with a mic perched around his neck.

  “What … are you wearing?” I ask, unable to focus on anything else but the massive mouthpiece.

  “I was playing video games.” Which is why he didn’t hear my initial ring, probably. “What’re you doing here?”

  My cheeks heat at the accusatory tone of his question, like I wasn’t invited so there should be no reason for me to show up here. “I wanted to apologize. Maybe I could come in?”

  At first, Collin hesitates. I think maybe he’s going to tell me he doesn’t want my apology, or that there is no need for one, and tell me to go home. But I see the fiery hurt in the depths of his green eyes, and when he moves aside, I pass in a hurry, not pressing my luck.

  “I thought you’d be out tonight for some reason.” I shake my head, not knowing how to start this.

  “Why are you here, Lark?”

  He didn’t call me doll. I missed that off the tip of his tongue. No, all he’s given me from his tongue today is venom. Those ugly, horrible words … they’re all true. They still sting across my skin like a slap, and I want him to look at me with all the wonder and awe he had when we first started this.

  Not with the unbridled skepticism and hurt he is now.

  “I don’t want those things.” I blurt it out.

  Collin’s jaw drops open a little. “What … well, fine. If you don’t want them, then why the hell are you here? Jesus, get out.”

  He starts walking toward me, until I throw my hands up like stop signs. “No, shit … I meant I don’t want the orgasms and the lies and the competition. Well, I do want the orgasms. Fuck, this is not going at all how I planned it. I don’t want those things because I want the things that you want.”

  A muscle tics in his cheek. “You do?”

  I will never forget the look on his face outside of the office when he told me he was done playing games. It was simultaneously a knife to the gut and a wake-up call. I’ve been wasting all this time, especially with Collin, and if I am ever going to be happy, it is apparently going to be with him. That’s the panic button I needed to spring into action.

  Swallowing the fear, I take the leap he took first. “To not go running out the door after sex? Yeah, I want that. No, this isn’t my normal MO for a hookup either. I … well, I like you, too. More than I thought I could. I’ve been more miserable in the past week since we’ve been apart, since you needed space and rightfully so, than I’ve been in the past six years trying to hate you. I miss you, I’m more of a prickly bitch than I usually am, and … jeez, are you going to cut in and tell me that’s enough or you want me to grovel more?”

  Embarrassment and the rawest vulnerability chew at my heart, my gut, and my cheeks. I’ve never been so open with anyone in my life, and it’s sad it’s taken me this long to do so.

  The smug bastard has the audacity to smirk, folding his lean arms over that broad chest. “I didn’t hear an apology. And you conveniently left out that you don’t want to hide, that was on my list. Remember?”

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you thought I wanted to play games because I really don’t. I’m sorry I made you feel the way you did, and I’m sorry I haven’t been able to admit these things until now. I’m a mess emotionally, Collin. You’ve only cracked the surface with the information I’ve given you. I want to be cuffed, by you, well after the season. Aw, man, I’m a statistic, aren’t I? I fell victim to the magic of Christmas.” Just realizing it now, I hang my head.

  “Why now?” he asks.

  My gaze flicks up. “Because I realized this afternoon that I could lose you, maybe already had. The most serious feelings I’ve ever had for a guy, and we never even talked about them before I screwed it all up.”

  For almost six years, I’ve allowed myself to loathe this man. To keep him at arm’s length. Maybe, subconsciously, I knew that when I finally let him in, it would ruin me. That I’d have to confront all the scary things I didn’t want to heal within myself. Which is exactly what’s happening. All I can hope is that he wants to confront them with me.

  Before I realize what Collin’s doing, he removes the headset and walks to me, palming my cheek with one big hand. I lean into it and let my eyes flutter closed, then open when I hear his voice.

  “I like you. I really like you, doll. More than I thought I could when you asked me to fuck you after that event. More than I thought I could when I saw you for the first time in that college radio station and thought you were hot. No one needs to tell me how inexperienced I am when it comes to dating or relationships; we all know I’m the poster child for not doing those things. And it’s the fucking irony of the century that now it’s come time I want to try, and the one woman I want to try with is just as gun shy as I’ve always been. But it doesn’t mean we can’t try. That we can stumble our way through this together. I’m cuffed, you’ve got me if you want me. The fucking Christmas magic got us both, huh? I’m not mad about that, by the way. Fucking shocked, but not mad. I’ve never wanted to try this, doll … until you.”

  I can’t help the shy smile that spreads as I blink up at him. “Well, good. Me either.”

  “But about the hiding …”

  “It’s not hiding,” I try to explain when I see Collin’s expression. “Okay, it’s not. Not really. I don’t mind if you tell your family, how about that? Or your close friends. Hell, Renée knows about us, that should make you happy. But I don’t want to tell people at work, not yet. I don’t need the questions or HR paperwork, and if someone from work tells the listeners somehow … I just … that is a lot of attention that neither of us want, right? Can we just keep it between us and our inner circle for the time being? Until we know that our newbie asses aren’t going to screw it up?”

  Collin steps all the way into me, taking my bundled-up body and hugging me close. “Okay. And just so you know, I’m going to try very fucking hard not to fuck this up.”

  “Same.” I breathe, and then his lips are on mine.

  The kiss is sweet, a promise for something more, longer.

  He breaks off, looking down at me as I run my hand over his chiseled cheekbones. “I was just decorating my mini-tree for this week. Want to help?”

  “You want me to help you decorate your Christmas tree? That seems so … domesticated.” I can’t help but giggle because us doing this together seems truly odd.

  “We are a couple, right? Isn’t this what boring, basic couples do?”

  I tap my chin. “I suppose. But please promise me the sex will never get boring and basic.”

  “The last time we had sex I put snow on your pussy and sucked it off. Do you seriously think we’re going to get basic?”

  “No.” I chuckle, hugging him again.

  So that’s what we do. I stand on one side of the little tree that’s perched atop Collin’s coffee table, and he stands on the other. We wind lights and tinsel around it and hang a couple of the sports team ornaments that he’s collected over the year. There is also a mini-radio mic ornament, a tiny Rockton mascot, and even a small inhaler that get hung on the tree.

  Throughout the tree decorating, Collin regales me with funny stories about his family’s past holidays, who got the most hilarious gift, which sibling got drunk underage, and how many boyfriends or girlfriends had been sacrificed to Christmas at his parent’s house.

  “What about you, any weird or funny Christmas stories?” The bright smile on his face makes my heart stutter.

  “Unless you want some sob stories, I got nothing.” I shrug.

  “Oh shit, I’m sorry, Lark. I was just so wrapped up in the sharing moment—”

  “Don’t worry about it.” I wave him off, but he’s looking at me like I crumble into a thousand pieces if flicked.

  “I’m … I take myself away each year. Or well, I give myself a gift because …”

  The silence feels like it goes on for eons before Collin clicks the pieces into place.

  “Because no one else does.” His frown is full of confusion because he’s never experienced that before.

  I nod. “This year, I booked a cabin with one of those huge wall window things to just sit in bed and read for a whole day. Would you … would you want to come with me?”

  It’s a step, a huge one. It might not be a public one or an agreement that we’ll be in it for the long haul, but this is as big of a step as I’ve ever taken with a guy. I hope Collin understands that.

  “I’d be honored.” He nods with a lazy grin on his face.

  Just with those three words, I feel like he does understand. And suddenly, I’m not spending Christmas alone. Because while it might not be on the actual day of the holiday, this is how I’ve always celebrated. Doing one extravagant thing for myself, even when I had little to no money, and that meant a pedicure or a dinner at a halfway decent restaurant. Inviting Collin means a great deal, and I’m not going to downplay it because of the weirdness I’ve grown up in that made my holidays different than everyone else’s.

  “Spending Christmas with a guy, who would have thought?”

  “Pretty great guy if you’re willing to do that.” He puffs his chest out.

  “You’re lucky I kind of like how cocky you are.”

  “Then, by all means, let me show you the source of the cockiness, considering you haven’t seen it for almost a week.”

  I begin to peel off the clothes I still have on. “Oh, thank God.”

  Because despite us committing to trying something new, we’ll never give up our old, horny, sex-crazed ways.

  20

  COLLIN

  Lark’s sweater smooths over my forearm as she shifts in the bed, adjusting her Kindle.

  Looking over her shoulder, I catch the word foreplay on the page and try to snoop a little because, damn, I must be reading the wrong shit. I have a paperback biography in one hand, my other arm wrapped around my girl’s waist as I fit us like puzzle pieces together in this bed.

  Next to Lark is the enormous picture window looking out onto the forest, almost as if the bed we’re lying in is on the floor among the leaves and grass. Snow covers the ground and trees, blanketing the outside world like this comforter cocooning us.

  The cabin she rented is no more than a box, maybe four hundred square feet, with everything aside from the bathroom in a studio-like open floor plan. There is a king bed low to the floor with mounds of white pillows and a white comforter. A range and fridge with two tiny countertops for food prep. A love seat and coffee table, a small kitchen table with two chairs, and that’s it aside from the simple toilet and shower setup in the tiny bathroom.