My heart melts into a puddle of goo. All this time, the guy who would come to understand me the most, not take my shit, make me sit and hash things out instead of disappearing, was right in front of me.

  “Want to go on a walk?” he asks, switching subjects rapidly.

  “You and your winter walks. It’s freezing!” I shiver just thinking about it.

  “And if I don’t get some energy out, I’ll take it out on you. Hard.” His eyes gleam with promise.

  “Why do I feel like you’ll do that anyway? I mean, I’m not complaining …”

  “Put your coat on, you hornball,” he scolds me even though he started it.

  We bundle up and make our way downstairs, the remaining snow from Christmas still dotting parts of the grass and piled on the street. Collin takes my hand in his, and it’s rather romantic walking in the cold night like this.

  “So, my dad wants you to come over for dinner.” He says this into the dark air like it’s no big deal.

  “Um …” I nearly choke on how scared I am.

  “Yeah.” He chuckles low in his throat. “I figured that would be the answer.”

  I stop us on the street so that I can force him to look at me. The streetlight on the corner of my complex illuminates us, both of our heads tucked into warm hats with our gloved hands still laced together.

  “You know my past, you know that I have no idea what families do. I want to meet them, I do. Just … give me a little bit more time, okay? Let me get my sea legs before you ask me to sail into a gust of wind, okay? I promise, I’m not running. I just … I need some time.”

  Collin studies me for a few seconds, then releases a breath. “Yeah, okay. I want you to feel comfortable when you meet them, so if that means more time, of course.”

  “Thank you.” I give him a small smile, then pull him into me.

  He doesn’t know that I mean that for every single thing he’s healed in me, but that confession is for another time.

  Our kiss is sweet and brief, but I’m proud of myself for explaining things, and I’m proud of us for moving past it with a conversation rather than passive aggression. We’re growing.

  Collin tucks a lock of hair behind my ear and smiles down at me, which is the photo that will go viral all over social media.

  Unfortunately for us, we never even see the person walking down the sidewalk, snapping a picture of us. Until the entire world sees it.

  25

  COLLIN

  Turns out that Kelly and Nic aren’t going to wait until December is over.

  That’s probably because they always spend the first two weeks of January in Hawaii and want to depart for their trip early. Which is why they call Lark and me into the office on December thirtieth, the day before New Year’s Eve, to deliver the news.

  “So this is it, huh?”

  Lark and I walk side by side to Kelly’s office, where she and Nic are waiting to talk to us about the results of the ratings. Whoever got more listens will get that Monday slot, and we’re about to find out who that is right now.

  It feels anticlimactic. At least for me. If I get it, cool. I’m sure Lark won’t love that, and there will be blowback, but I didn’t need this time change in the first place. What this month of competition has brought, us being together, is worth so much more than a stupid release day. I hope to all that is holy that Lark feels the same. After our conversation the other day, I understand why she’s still gunning for it. But I hope that regardless, she feels like she’s gained more than just some hot episodes on the charts.

  And, like I told her, I hope she gets it. After learning so much more about her childhood, about how she’s been mistreated, about how she got here by herself on work ethic and dedication, she deserves it.

  “This is it.” She takes a deep breath.

  I pull open Kelly’s office door and motion for her to pass through first, sneaking a look at her ass in black jeans. Talk about the time not to focus on that, but I can’t help it where Lark is concerned.

  “Hey, guys, have a seat.” Kelly is looking over something on her computer, and my heart starts galloping as we sit.

  There is something about sitting across from your boss that will always make you anxious.

  “Collin, did you catch that football game on Christmas? Sheesh, the catch Donald made in the fourth quarter.” Nic chats me up, and he feels like a figurehead in this meeting.

  Nic is much more about the behind-the-scenes business, where Kelly makes a lot of the decisions about personnel, episode content, and the general direction of Cast About.

  “Nasty, dude. I thought he was going to fumble it but he held on.”

  Nic nods enthusiastically. “It was insane.”

  “Okay, thanks for coming in today during break.” Kelly turns to us and smiles, cutting off our sports talk.

  “Of course.” Lark smiles and straightens, all Miss Little Perfect Employee.

  “Yep.” I nod and grin.

  “Obviously, this meeting is about who will get that Monday time slot, but … well, there is another matter we need to discuss.”

  Confusion flits through me, and I glance at Lark from my peripheral vision and see her brows knitted together.

  “Is something going on between you two?”

  Swear to fucking God, I think I can hear a pin drop. The temperature goes frigid. Lark sucks in a breath before she can help not to.

  Immediately, my gaze snaps to her. But she stays ramrod straight, staring at Kelly, who just posed the question.

  No one speaks, and then a look passes between Nic and Kelly. He pulls up his phone and holds it out to show it to us.

  “There has been a photo going around on social media. It looks … well, hell that’s you two. I mean, if it’s not, you’ve got doppelgängers walking around or something. The person who posted it said in the caption they saw you two making out just before this. So, is there a relationship between you two?”

  My heart is in my throat, but not because I might be about to lose my job. In truth, I have no idea how Nic and Kelly feel about office relationships. You’d think they’d be fine with it, considering they run a business with their spouse, but you never know.

  No, my heart is in my throat because Lark might come out and admit to someone that we’re a couple.

  “No.” Lark clears her throat, the first word coming out froggy. “That person … must be mistaken.”

  The organ in my chest stops beating completely.

  Kelly and Nic look like she’s trying to pedal a bunch of bullshit. Nic speaks up. “You’re sure? Because this looks a lot like you two. And well, there have been other instances and rumblings in the past couple of weeks. We wrote it off as rumors, but this picture …”

  “It’s obvious.” Kelly points to Nic’s phone. “We just want to know what’s going on, we’re not mad. Obviously, we have no policy on this. And while I don’t know if I would have paired you, I can see it. Like I said when Eliza asked, I see how it could work.”

  My mouth is clamped shut, not wanting to contribute anything to the end of us. If Lark wants to hang us, she’ll do it on her own because that’s what’s happening here. Nic and Kelly would not care if I came out and told them we’re dating. Sure, it would raise some eyebrows, and we’d be on some gossip sites, but they have no policy. No one would come down on us. If anything, this would be big news and attention for Cast About.

  Lark, though … she’s made her choice. Her career will always come first, and her need to appear a certain way will always outweigh her need for me. That’s the crux of the issue between us, always has been, and she’s chosen. Anything I say now will only lead to my own heart being broken more, so I stay silent.

  “Collin?” Kelly addresses me.

  I stare at her, numbness poisoning my veins.

  “We’re not in a relationship. That person was mistaken, and rumors are just rumors,” Lark says, and her voice sounds robotic to my ears.

  I want out of this room. I want the fuck out of this building and away from her before she lies anymore. My heart can’t take it.

  Kelly and Nic study us for a long time, and my skin feels like it’s trying to suffocate me as each second ticks by.

  “Then I guess … should we just tell them who is getting Monday?” Nic turns awkwardly to his wife.

  Kelly gives him a look, then turns back to us.

  “Well … okay. Lark, you had more listens, by a tiny percentage, but it was clear, nonetheless. You’ll be our new Monday podcaster. Congratulations!”

  Kelly comes around the desk to hug Lark, who still hasn’t moved a muscle.

  “Congratulations.” It feels like broken glass coming out of my throat.

  Not because I’m not happy for her professionally, but because she just took a mallet to my heart.

  It dawns on me that I’m free to go, that I’m not needed in any capacity in this meeting any longer, and I turn for the door.

  Lark doesn’t stop me. She doesn’t say a goddamn thing. I should have known it would come to this, but fucking love blinded me to her true nature.

  At least I can say it wasn’t me who ruined us, my biggest fear dodged. With that, I walk out the door and away from the only woman I’ve ever given up who I am for.

  26

  LARK

  No victory has ever felt more like a bitter pill.

  I won. I did it. Achieved what I set out to do, and now this boost up will open the next chapter of my professional life.

  Except as Collin storms out of the room, the only thing I feel like doing is dry heaving all over my boots.

  Kelly pulled me up into a hug, and I can feel myself shake in her arms, the sadness rushing over my body like a tidal wave.

  “I have to …” I pull back from her, looking at the open door Collin just disappeared out of.

  There is something telling on her face, and it almost looks like she might be grinning. But instead of sticking around to hear wise words, I bolt, running in the direction I hope the man I’m in love with went.

  He isn’t in the kitchen, nor two of the studios I check. The parking lot comes to mind, and I race toward it, hoping I can catch him before he gets in his car and leaves because I have a feeling that once he makes it to his apartment, my window of opportunity to talk to him will be closed.

  I break through the door at a frantic speed, the icy air hitting me square in the chest. My head is on a swivel until it locates a familiar head of brown hair, and then I’m running. I know he hears me coming, I can sense it in his posture, but he doesn’t stop.

  “Collin, wait, I—”

  When I try to grab his elbow, he flinches and pulls away. It’s the first time he’s ever rejected me. For so long, I’ve been the one to hold that power. Being on the other end of it feels like a freezing cold knife being plunged into my heart.

  “What?” When he turns, his face is a blank slate.

  Collin is always so enthused, so full of emotion and life. This person? This person is showing me that I’m not allowed to experience that anymore.

  “I didn’t know what to say in there, we hadn’t talked about telling the office, and then there was the Monday thing …” It all comes rushing out, and my head can’t catch up to my mouth.

  “So instead you lied? Again? Our bosses don’t give a fuck if we’re together. The only person who seems to care about actually making this public is you.”

  “I’m not, it’s just—”

  “You’re scared. You’re so fucking scared it’s pathetic. You’re not free, you’re cowering.” He studies me, his words slicing open every piece of me.

  I throw my hands up, knowing I’ll let lose because he punched first.

  “Kelly doesn’t need to know what’s going on in our personal lives, Cast About has no policy against office relationships. But I’m not about to—”

  “To what, Lark? Air your dating status with the world? News flash, we fucking do that every single day on our shows. Kelly wouldn’t give a shit if she knew, and you know that. Hell, it’d probably bring more listeners, they’d be waiting for us to break up. Well, at least we won’t be giving them that satisfaction on air.”

  My stomach felt like a rock sinking to the bottom of the sea. “Are you breaking up with me?”

  “What the fuck else do you want me to do? You’ve lied to everyone about us. You won’t meet my family, you won’t let me take you out. I’m scared shitless to tell you I’m in love with you because it’ll only send you running. What kind of relationship is that? It’s not one. And that’s not fair to me. It isn’t to you, either, but then you’re the one who made it this way. So yeah, I’m breaking up with you. Because I see absolutely no way forward.”

  “You said you’d wait for me to be ready, you said you understood—”

  I know I’m in the wrong, I know I am the one who denied us to Kelly and Nic. But in the back of my mind, Collin is just one more person leaving me because they can’t understand me. Or don’t want to. So many people in my life hadn’t stuck around, and at a certain point, there was only one common denominator.

  “You’ll never be ready, Lark! You can’t even tell people who care about us, who brought us into this space, who want the best for us, that we’re newly dating. That we want to keep it out of the public eye, but that they should know how we feel about each other. What’s the excuse for that one? It’s not even rational that you just lied to them, that’s us in the picture! They’re not fucking stupid, they know it is even after you lied. I tried, I tried my goddamn hardest to be a good man. For once in my life, I wanted to be the good guy who said all the right things and followed up with the right actions. I just didn’t realize I’d picked the wrong girl to take that chance on.”

  His last sentence is like a poison dart to the quickly failing organ in my chest. I try to suck in air, but I can’t, like my lungs are on Collin’s side and currently betraying me.

  “Congratulations, Lark. You win. I hope it’s everything you’ve ever wanted.”

  He stalks to his car and peels out of the parking lot, but I can’t seem to find the breath or words to stop him. Tears flood my vision, my hands shake with heartbreak, and my mind seems to be warring between examining everything I’ve done wrong and shutting down completely.

  Because this? It’s nothing I wanted. Only, I’m realizing it after it’s way too late.

  27

  COLLIN

  Generally, I’m a happy guy.

  Not much rattles me; I go with the flow and tend to see the positive in life.

  That was before my heart got hit with a two-by-four I never saw coming. Well, that’s not true. I saw Lark causing our breakup coming; getting into a relationship with her was like climbing into a cage with a lion. You think that maybe you’ll tame it, love it for a while, except when it bites you, there is no one to blame but yourself.

  Whoever’s fault it truly was is pointless because I’m fucking miserable all the same.

  Staying in my apartment alone is something I rarely do. I’m an extrovert through and through. I love being around people and doing social things. But for the past two days, since Lark broke us in the office and I tore us to shreds in the parking lot, I’ve done nothing but sulk around my apartment.

  I’ve barely eaten, barely slept, and no activity seems to hold joy for me. I tried to go for a run in the freezing cold to shock my system into waking up but got two minutes in and felt like I was going to cry.

  Jesus fucking Christ, is this what they mean when they say lovesick? Because it feels like I have the flu, heartburn, indigestion, and strep throat all at the same time. It’s absolutely nuts that going through a breakup can cause physical symptoms like this, as if my emotions and mind are going through enough shit, my body has to revolt too.

  It’s probably because I waited twenty-four years to experience it.

  Love.

  I loved Lark. Am still in love with her, if I’m telling the truth.

  That’s something I wasn’t sure I’d ever do in my life. Listen, I love women. Respect them. Enjoy their company and want to spend all my time with them … mostly.

  But falling in love? Making a deep connection with someone, so much so that I can envision a future we spend together? Yeah, I didn’t know if that would ever happen. Then it did, and I let myself go blindly into the feeling because it was everything.

  I should have known. She basically warned me that this would happen. Yet I thought I could be strong enough for both of us and withstand anything she threw at me. I felt weak for crumbling so quickly, but she drove me to it. Drove me fiercely, left me no option.

  I’ve been lying on my couch for hours, doing nothing but staring at the ceiling and thinking because that’s all I can seem to do when the buzzer at my front door sounds.

  My stomach drops because if that’s Lark, I don’t know how I can hold strong and not let her up here.

  But when I get on the mic to ask who’s at the front door, Jesse tells me he’s coming up whether I like it or not. So I buzz him in, unlock the door, and then go back to lying on the couch.

  Two minutes later, he’s walking in with a six-pack in hand.

  Not saying a word, he simply studies me. We’ve been best friends for six years, so he knows what I need. The fact that he showed up when he should be spending the downtime after the holidays with his wife says everything.

  “How’d you know?” I ask as he pulls up a kitchen chair to sit across from me and sets the beer on the coffee table.

  “The way you were texting was way off. And well, you sounded heartbroken. I could just tell. It’s not something I’ve ever seen or heard from you before, so I knew it was serious.”

  “You guessed right.” I motion for him to give me a beer.

  He cracks the tops off two, and we clink bottles, then I take a long chug.