Of course, not loving the holiday is a huge part of not participating and declining his invite. That one is self-explanatory.

  But the biggest reason of all is one I’ve never shared with him; spending Christmas, whatever previous thoughts I had about the holiday aside, with him and his family is a big deal. A huge, momentous deal. Because this isn’t just some guy, an insignificant fling who I could latch on to for some winter merriment.

  I am falling for Collin, which is a problem itself. If I decide to spend the holidays with his family, that is a very serious step. It means something because he is quickly coming to mean everything. Not only will my stubborn pride and preconceived opinions about jolly old St. Nick not allow me to go, but I can’t risk the emotions involved. This step makes me too vulnerable, and what if he decides I’m not a fit for him after bringing me around his family?

  I’d hate this fucking season more than I already do.

  “All right, Kris Kringle. Once I scarf that sandwich down, I’m out of here.” The smell of tomato soup is the only thing keeping me on his couch.

  “Maybe you won’t want to leave after you taste my cheesy goodness.” He wiggles his eyebrows.

  “Gross.” I chuckle but stand to help him bring the bowls and plates to the table anyway.

  He requested that I spend the afternoon of Christmas Eve with him before he went to see his family as his present. Since we’re so new, I mandated that we weren’t doing presents. Not even “you told me not to get you anything but I did anyway” presents. So he mandated that I at least spend some of this holiday with him. We compromised.

  Although, I guess after being each other’s Secret Santas, we technically broke that rule.

  “There is just one problem.” Collin has just set our lunch on the table when he moves to the window, opening the curtain so I can see outside. “You’re definitely not going anywhere with the roads like this.”

  I look out to see what he’s talking about. Snowbanks drift up to the houses, sidewalks aren’t visible, and there isn’t a tire track to be found on the street. It seems that while I was in here being thoroughly satisfied before I said goodbye for the holiday hiatus, Santa himself put a wrench in my plans.

  “You’re kidding me … a white Christmas? What kind of bullshit is this? When did this happen?” My frown feels sour.

  Collin chuckles, pointing to the chair that has become mine at his small kitchen table. “You know, this is the dream of everyone who celebrates Christmas, right?

  “Well, not me. I planned on sinking into a bubble bath, alone, with a smutty book, and then taking a melatonin or maybe some CBD and zonking out.”

  “Honestly, sounds kind of perfect. Except now, it’ll be even better because I can join. There is no way you’re leaving tonight, me either, for that matter.”

  “It’s only a ten-minute drive, if I go slow—”

  His eyes grow serious as his jaw tics. “Absolutely not, are you crazy? You think I’m letting you get in a car with the roads the way they are?”

  “I wasn’t aware I needed you to allow me to do anything.” My voice has an edge.

  Those green eyes soften. “You don’t. Ever. Except for right now, when your safety is what I worry about and I can’t stand the thought of you getting in an accident.”

  His fingers lace with mine, and the stubbornness seeps out of me.

  “I was also going to go over my interview notes for Monday.” I pout because my work stuff is back at my apartment.

  “I’ll help you draft some. Working on Christmas together, sounds like a bore but I’m with you. As long as you’re naked, I’ll help.” Collin’s eyes heat.

  The competition for the Monday slot is all but forgotten. Maybe. To Collin, it has never been something he was willing to kill or betray for. But with each passing moment we spend together, I feel myself caring less if he beat me. Just like Kelly said, maybe it wasn’t the professional leg up I needed to focus on; perhaps getting happy in my personal life has been the cure all along.

  As Collin calls his mom to deliver the sad news, I talk myself down from a freakout. I’m spending Christmas with him, and we’re going to wake up together on the morning of. There won’t be presents or a crackling fireplace like he’s probably used to, but this will be the most meaningful holiday I’ve had … well, probably ever.

  If I’m being honest with myself, it’s way easier to accept this snowstorm snafu, knowing I secretly wanted to spend this day with Collin anyway. Looks like Mother Nature is giving me the nudge I need.

  With his parents sad but understanding, Collin returns to the table, and we eat our lunch. Then, we spend the day doing a little bit of interview question drafting, which has way more innuendo and inappropriate touching than my normal working hours do. I cook us a dinner of spaghetti and chicken cutlets using the measly ingredients I scrounge from Collin’s fridge and pantry. We even get that bath in, although it ends with us in a fit of laughter and more water on the floor of his tiny bathroom than in the tub with us.

  And then he suggests we create a new tradition, a blanket fort on the floor of his living room, a Christmas movie, and a bowl of popcorn. Except that doesn’t last long, as we find ourselves undressing ten minutes into the movie as Collin shoves the bowl across the floor.

  He worships my body, making me come on his tongue after the gentlest, slowest foreplay. It has me seeing stars, robbing me of all my senses. When he slides into me, bare, the intensity of his eyes that are locked on mine steals my breath. At this moment, I feel cherished. Special.

  I feel like the only thing he sees on this entire planet.

  “Merry Christmas, doll.” His palm is on my face, and his eyes hold every emotion I’ve always been terrified of.

  Because even if he’s not saying it, I know, without a doubt, that Collin is in love with me.

  “Merry Christmas,” I whisper, the lights of his little tree casting colorful shadows over the room.

  I might be saying it but wishing him a happy holiday is as close as it gets for me saying I love you to another person.

  Because as we make love on his living room floor, on Christmas, in the middle of a snowstorm, there is no more denying it.

  I’m in love with him.

  That’s the most terrifying and the most incredible feeling I’ve ever had.

  23

  COLLIN

  “I’m so thankful that you’re my family. I love you. Merry Christmas.”

  Dad raises his glass, and we all echo his sentiments as we cheers and take our drinks. When I look back at my dad, there are tears in his eyes, and Clara is rubbing his arm to comfort him.

  “Dad, it’s just Christmas.” Henry rolls his eyes.

  “Shut it, your father is a softy and I love it,” Mom warns, though there is no heat behind it. “Now everyone eat before the food gets cold.”

  My whole family sits around the table, with baby Flora in her highchair, babbling as she eats a Pillsbury biscuit. The spread is our usual; honey baked ham, green beans, mashed potatoes, spaghetti pie made by Becca, and a sweet potato casserole with brown sugar and marshmallows.

  “I can’t believe it’s Christmas. This year has flown by.” Jamie rubs her forehead like this just hit her.

  “That’s what happens when you’re chasing after a baby twenty-four seven.” Dave laughs, staring at his wife adoringly.

  “And what a cute baby she is. I love you, little girl.” Dad picks up his granddaughter’s hand and kisses it while she giggles. “I just wish we could have done the traditional It’s a Wonderful Life screening last night.”

  “Collin didn’t seem too upset about not spending last night with us.” Mom smirks.

  Every single pair of eyes at the table is now laser-focused on me.

  “You’re the worst secret keeper.” I point a finger in her direction.

  She rolls her eyes. “Oh, come on, you want to tell them anyway. I heard the way you were so clearly enthused about not being able to leave your apartment.”

  “Out with it, who is she?” Clara demands.

  “Why has Christmas dinner turned into twenty questions about my dating life?” I don’t know why I’m stalling, I’ve been foaming at the mouth to tell them ever since Lark gave me permission.

  “Tell me it’s that swimsuit model.” Henry’s got a devilish smile turning his cheeks up.

  “You think that a magazine cover model would really be slumming it with a guy who lives in Rockton?” Becca chuckles.

  “Hey!” I protest.

  She holds her hands up in surrender. “Not saying you’re not a catch. But you know what I mean.”

  “Tell us, bud.” Dad says it softly.

  I know he’s been waiting for me to find someone, to find something like what he and mom have.

  “I was with Lark. She and I … we’re a couple. It’s new. She was spending the afternoon at my place but obviously we got stuck together.”

  Henry says, “No fucking way” at the same time that Jamie’s brow furrows in confusion, and she says, “Wait, who is Lark?”

  “Lark Bradley, she works at the same company as Collin,” Becca supplies, then turns back to me. “Way to go, Col. She’s sexy. And way out of your league as well. Can’t wait to hear her tear you apart on her podcast.”

  “Thanks, Becca,” I mumble, flashing her my middle finger not-so-subtly.

  “Hey, it’s Christmas!” Dad warns me. “But I’m happy for you. If this girl makes you happy, I’m really glad. I expect her for dinner soon.”

  “She seems like a whip-smart woman, bud. I can’t wait to meet her.” Mom winks at me.

  Honestly, Lark and mom will probably get along great, not that my girl won’t be petrified to meet my family.

  “You’re screwing Lark Bradley?” My brother’s mouth is slack.

  “Henry, language.” Jamie rolls her eyes as she points to Flora.

  “Sorry,” he mumbles. “But jeez, you didn’t want to give me a heads-up. She’s like the hottest chick ever.”

  “Yes, I’m aware.” I laugh. “But we’re not …” I trail off, looking at my niece. “We’re dating. I like her, a lot. She’s different, and I’ve never felt this way for a woman, so … yeah.”

  “Oh my God, you’re in love.” Clara yelps.

  Dad is looking at me like I just saved kittens from drowning, Henry is whipping the air to insinuate I’m pussy-whipped, Becca and Clara are arguing about whether or not I’m capable of falling in love, and Dave is giving me a thumbs-up like he knows what I’m going through.

  Am I in love? Yeah, I suppose I am. That overwhelming, couldn’t-do-life-without-her, might-die-if-I-couldn’t-be-with-her feeling swept over me so swiftly when we made love on my living room floor last night that it almost collapsed my lungs. It’s happened fast, yet it’s not fast at all. I’ve known Lark for six years. I’ve listened to her podcast, I know her inner thoughts, and we’ve worked together long enough to be comfortable with each other. I’ve done events with her and seen how her mind works. So it’s no mystery that when she finally inched the door open for me to get closer, it all clicked into place like fate was just a funny bitch waiting for it to happen.

  “Maybe I am,” I say quietly, smiling as I drop my chin.

  The realization is funniest to me, even if it’s shocking to everyone else.

  “Holy shit.” Henry seems to be the only one who heard it.

  “What does this mean for you working together?” Dad asks, always getting down to the important things.

  I shrug. “I don’t really know. Honestly, if I know Nic and Kelly, not much. We have separate shows, it’s not like we have the same guests or staff. It shouldn’t matter, not really, but we’ll see.”

  “But what if you break up? Start trashing each other on your podcasts? That would be a lot of unwanted attention from the company,” Becca points out.

  “Or maybe they’d pit you against each other for even more listeners. That would bring the crowds,” Clara agrees.

  Unwanted doubt fills my gut. “Guys, stop. It’s early, Lark and I are just getting to know each other more and we’re … we’re having fun. Yeah, yeah, you’re going to tell me to weigh the consequences if this goes south. But you’d also be ragging on me if I wasn’t committing simply because I didn’t want to get involved with someone at work. It’s Christmas. Can’t I just be happy? Can’t you just say congrats?”

  They all blink at me, dumbfounded.

  Then Dave speaks up. “Congrats, Collin. I’m happy for you. Finding the person who makes you happy, who you love … well, it’s the best thing that can happen.”

  Everyone else blurts out their congrats and start chattering away about my love life or some side conversation.

  Me? My mind wanders to Lark and how I wish she were here. And what it might be like a year from now, both at work and this table, when we’re still together.

  Because I plan for that. Hope for it. Will put in the work to make it a reality. I just need her confidence in us to make it happen.

  24

  LARK

  Just like that, the time of year I fear the most is over.

  Christmas decorations are coming down, garbage cans filled with wrapping paper line the streets, and Cast About has lifted the Christmas-themed episode mandate.

  “Do you think if I ask Cami Port to come on my show, she would?” I pull up one of the social media star’s videos as I scroll through the app.

  “The girl who does the clothing try ons from stores and tells you if their sizes are bullshit? She’s hilarious.” Collin laughs idly as he stares down at his phone.

  He came to my apartment after an event at a bar for work, and now we’re sitting on my couch tossing work ideas back and forth as some reality show blurs on the screen in front of us.

  “Yeah. I very much want to talk about night out clothing that makes us feel sexy at any size. And how we let it define us. Also, I feel like she’ll have some insane stories about what goes down in her DMs.”

  “Shoot your shot, then. I always ask. They might tell you to fuck off, but at least you tried.” Collin shrugs, squeezing the shoulder that his arm is resting on.

  “It’s really that easy for you, huh? Men, just shooting their shot and not overthinking a goddamn thing,” I grumble, cursing him even though his advice is sound.

  “Hey, you wanted my help. But I do get shot down a fair number of times, if it makes you feel better.”

  “That does. Though not by women.”

  He leans in and plants a tickling kiss on my neck. “I don’t give a fuck about other women.”

  I’m wearing the diamond microphone necklace, I rarely take it off, and he runs his fingers down the chain.

  “Good answer.” I lean to the side, giving him easier access to run his lips up and down the column of my neck.

  “How did your last episode do?” I ask, trying not to seem nonchalant.

  Our episodes dropped on Christmas Eve, and I was too wrapped in getting snowed in with him to incessantly check. We’ll be dropping our last December episodes this week, and then it will be a race to the finish to see who Kelly and Nic crown the victor.

  “Did well actually. I think it was top three for the first couple of days after release.” He picks up his phone as it vibrates and stands to pace as he studies it, but my mouth tastes bitter.

  “Guess I’ll have to get that number one ranking for the last episode then.” My molars grind together.

  Because even after all the time we’ve spent together, I’m still competing against him even if he isn’t against me. My nature won’t allow me to let my guard down, and I hate that it’s because of how I’ve been mistreated in the past.

  “The whole fucking world isn’t against you, Lark,” Collin mutters, not looking at me.

  I know he’s probably past the point of frustration when it comes to this. I would be. I just can’t help it.

  “What?” My jaw drops.

  “For once can you just let one person in? Me? The guy who has been fucking you sideways for weeks. The guy who is supposedly your boyfriend, even though you’ll never call me that to anyone. Who has shown up even when you told me not to. Have I not proven that sometimes, once in a blue moon, a person can be something other than a complete asshole? I’m not against you here. I’m not trying to beat you. Hell, if anything, I’m loosening up on the reins to try to make sure you get the Monday time slot.”

  “Don’t you dare.” Anger and upset swirl around in my chest like a deadly combination. “Don’t let me win. I don’t need anyone to take it easy on me.”

  “Fuck! I know you don’t, isn’t that what I was just trying to say. I know you don’t need my help, but I want to give it regardless. Damn, stop being so pigheaded, woman.”

  His words so similarly echo what Kelly said to me that some of the air deflates from the balloon of fury, keying me up.

  “I … shit. I just want this. Even if it means you don’t get it. You don’t understand, Collin, this is all I’ve been good at my entire life, going after something professionally with a singular focus and getting it. I don’t have family, I don’t have many friends. I don’t have a lot of things outside of work. It’s built into my DNA at this point, this is all I know.”

  Like I said, I don’t want to be like this. But it’s going to be a learning curve to try to change after all this time.

  He walks to me, that small smile turning up the right corner of his mouth. “Was that so hard?”

  “What?” I pout.

  “Opening up to me and explaining why you want me to lose?” His shoulder touches mine as he sits down next to me.

  “Yes. And I’m not lying, I want this.”

  “I know you do. And I want you enough to let you have it, even if it means I lose. Please recognize that it’s not out of pity or because I want in your pants. I truly know how hard you work, and that your career has been your main focus. That’s why you should have it.”