“Emily, I pay for all of our bills. Do you know what those are?” He is smiling at me.

  “Uh. No.” I pause. He has caught me again.

  “So there are phone bills,” I interrupt him.

  “Yes! I know about those! I have paid my ATT bill for years!” I am excited. I am a real person.

  “Alright crazy, good for you.” Jonathan swallows more of his drink and continues. “We also have health insurance. You are on a different plan than I am of course, because we are not married. We also have gas, electric, sewer, a gardener, your car payment, my car payment. The list goes on.” Jonathan starts to stack his papers.

  “Wow.” I sit back and take it all in.

  I am thirty and have never had to worry about these bills.

  My apartment in New York included all utilities. And my housing at College was covered with my college fund.

  I realize, more than ever, that I have lived in a bubble. A small and pink sparkly bubble, where rainbows live. And gold at the end of those rainbows.

  I disgust myself.

  “Jonathan. I don’t want to be financially retarded anymore.”

  He starts to laugh, “Well, good because we can’t afford for you to be. Your parents are broke and they are going to need our help.”

  I stand up. I scoot my chair out. I stand up tall.

  “Ok, I am ready to give them whatever percentage of my monthly income you think they should have. I mean, that’s the least I can do, right?”

  I grab a bagel from the cupboard and start to toast it. Jonathan scoots his chair back and looks up at me.

  The sun is shining through our kitchen window.

  The storm from last night has finally past.

  “Babe, it’s a little more complicated than that.” Jonathan says.

  “How so? I can help them pay for their mortgage or something.”

  “I don’t think you realize what your dad is going through. He has to sell the house to pay for these lawsuits. Not only that but the lawyer fees. You know, I make five-hundred dollars an hour? And even though I work for your dad for free, there are two other lawyers from my firm who represent him.”

  “Jesus!” I say as I begin to spread cream cheese on my legal.

  “So what do we do?”

  Jonathan stands and comes over to me. He strokes my hair and kisses my lips. “Emily, your parents are going to have to move in with us for a while.”

  I choke on the bite of bagel.

  I grab some water from the sink and flush it down. “What? Live with us?” I sit back down in my chair.

  I get back up and head to the bathroom.

  I puke.

  I yell at him from the bathroom, “I really don’t want to be living in an Everybody Loves Raymond Episode my whole life!”

  Then silence.

  Jonathan walks to the bathroom as I am flushing the toilet. I look up at him.

  “That show was hilarious, what are you talking about?” And then he smiles at me and walks off.

  I roll my eyes.

  3

  Grandmummy

  It’s been four months, and I have yet to tell my parents about my pregnancy.

  At first it was because I wanted to make sure that the little shit stayed inside of me. I read somewhere that miscarriages in the first two months happen frequently.

  Christmas came and went, and Jonathan and I decided to visit his cousin in Florida. The only family member I have ever met of Jonathan’s actually. And we got to spend some time at the beach and I even got to puke in a Miami trash can.

  New Year’s came and went too.

  I told my parents that Jonathan was ill.

  A lie.

  And we stayed home and watched the ball drop with Gertie instead.

  Now it’s almost Valentine’s Day and although I think this holiday is a hoax, my mother is obsessed with it. She always sends me a dozen roses on Valentine’s Day with a card that reads: “I know there is no one else to send you these, so I thought I would send them myself.”.

  It was one of those ‘nice/bitchy’ mom moments.

  But this Valentine’s Day, she does know that I have someone. She also knows that I have been avoiding her.

  Tomorrow is the day. And I told Jonathan that all I want is a Hello Kitty stuffed animal and Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.

  He agreed. So I expect that I shall have an exceptional day tomorrow with that pairing.

  But, what to do about mother.

  “You really need to tell them. If you don’t Emily, I will.” Jonathan shouts at me from his closet as he is getting dressed.

  “Ok, I will! I’ll call her tonight.” I say as I flick through the channels on our bedroom television.

  Why do I ever get out of bed?

  Jonathan rounds the corner of his closet so that I can see him, “No Emily, call them now so I can hear you tell them. I know how you work.”

  He is right.

  I totally wasn’t going to tell them.

  So much work.

  So many gifts, and so much attention.

  Gross.

  Mother will smother me.

  “Plus, if they are going to live with us, they are going to find out sooner or later.” Jonathan says as he buttons his shirt.

  “That has not been decided yet.” I say as he throws me his new Galaxy Android thingy.

  “Call them.” He points to the phone as he does up his belt.

  “It’s like five in the morning there.” I whine.

  “They are up, trust me. I talk with them way more than you do.” He is starting to do his tie.

  “Call your own parents!” I yell at him. I hate it when he bosses me.

  “You know I can’t do that Emily.” I have hurt him.

  “Sorry! I forgot!”

  I am such a bitch.

  Jonathan never talks to his parents.

  Which is probably why he talks to mine so much.

  I never think about the fact that he is estranged from them. I have never met them and probably never will. That little bit of guilt gives me reason to phone my own. However crazy they may be, they would never abandon me.

  The phone rings.

  “Hawkins residence.” My mothers morning voice echoes in my ears.

  “Hey mom. How’s it going?” I start off.

  “Emily? Oh my gosh! David it’s Emily!” I can hear her screaming at my dad. “Darling how are you it’s been ages! David, come here!” Again with the screaming. “David, it’s your daughter. Your daughter!” Obviously my dad can’t hear what she is saying, so she is screaming it louder and louder. I stop her.

  “Mom. Hey Gwyneth.” I pause and wait.

  “Oh yes, Emily, so sorry, you know how your father can be. So when are you coming to see me? You wouldn’t let me out at all this winter. Did you freeze in Long Island.” She is babbling.

  I stop her again, “Mom, I am fine. Listen there is something I wanted to tell you and dad.” I look up and Jonathan is leaning against the doorway listening. I shoo him away with my hands. He just shakes his head and doesn’t budge.

  “Oh? Are you alright? How is Jonathan? Is he fine? You know I heard that the first year of a relationship is always the hardest…” she goes on.

  “MOM! Listen. No we are fine.” There is silence for once, “We are great actually. I mean I did want to get rid of him last year at one point, but I’m over that now.”

  Jonathan looks at me and mouths: what?

  He cocks his head to the side and puts his hands on his hips. I smile and roll my eyes.

  “Anyway, mom. I am pregnant.” Silence.

  “Mom? Did you hear me?” I look at the screen of the phone to make sure I didn’t accidentally turn it off.

  “Oh my gosh.” She finally says.

  “Oh, good I thought I lost you. Ok so that’s what I called to say.”

  “Emily is pregnant David! No, Pregnant! Like with a baby!” I can again hear her going at it with my dad.

  “Oh dear, pregnant Emily? IS it Jonathan?” I roll my eyes.

  “Yes, Mother, it’s Jonathan. I’m due in June sometime.” I say and I regret that I did.

  “June? That’s just around the corner. You didn’t tell me?” I hand the phone to Jonathan. He can deal with this mess.

  “Hi Mrs. Haw-. Yes, we di-. no I don’t think so. Yes. Well I-. Ok I think we c-. Sounds great. Bye.” He was obviously cut off by the crazy that is Gwyneth.

  “Fun conversation?” I ask sarcastically.

  “They will be here tomorrow.” Jonathan smile at me and runs down stairs.

  I yell after him, “What? Babe, you are a cruel man!!” I bury my head in my pillow.

  Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and it will be ruined.

  No Hello Kitty snuggles and ice-cream.

  It’s ruined.

  I pick up my phone and text Cindy: “9-1-1”

  She texts me back: “ real 9-1-1? or Emily version?”

  I text: “REAL!”

  She calls. I answer.

  “Are you ok, what happened?” She seems to be driving, I can hear the muffling on her end of the line.

  “Ok don’t get mad, it’s not a real emergency. My mom is coming tomorrow and ruining Valentines Day and I am still puking, and , well Jonathan made me call her!”

  “Emily, I don’t have time for this. Do you want to know what I am doing tomorrow, on Valentine’s Day?” She asks and is wanting for a reply.

  “No I don’t.”

  “I am taking our dog Bart to the vet, because he has diarrhea and I have been cleaning up after him for the past two days.”

  “So that’s why you have missed out park session!” I say.

  “Emily, you are hopeless, love.” Cindy says.

  “Ok, I know, but I am in a real bind here. Can I come over later?” I ask.

  “Sure, and bring your gloves, because you will be helping me clean.” Cindy hangs up.

  Fuck!

  4

  The Inevitable

  It’s 4PM on February 14th.

  Valentine’s Day.

  It’s a Tuesday, which is a bit weird.

  I showed up this morning at the park to meet my women folk, and we all exchanged a little something special.

  I gave Cindy a heart-shaped flask and rubber cleaning gloves as a joke. I told her I would not be helping her clean up dog shit around her house because I had my own problems to deal with.

  I gave Darlene a box of chocolates that are shaped like penises. I ordered them special. She looked at me with wide eyes, and then said very secretively “This will work well for tonight.” I wasn’t sure what she had in store for her husband. But thinking of a high school principle eating brown penises made me chuckle.

  And for Kathy, I decided to go back to the sex store on Elm street to recover a pair of crotchless panties. She had gotten quite a kick out of the dildo I got her for her birthday last year. I couldn’t resist yet again making her day. She looked at me sideways and said, “You are going to be a mother for Christ’s sake. I hope you don’t have this stuff just lying around your house.”

  “No, Kathy. I don’t. But if I did, I would choose to tell my kid exactly what it is for. Teething!” I laughed.

  My dear friends just rolled their eyes.

  They got me maternity gifts.

  I got a fat person shirt from Darlene that says “Proof I put out” on it. I just thought that was great. Plus it was black.

  Kathy got me another shirt that says “All I wanted was a back rub”.

  Kathy started laughing as I opened it. We all just sort of stared at her. And then she snorted.

  And finally, Cindy got me a giant bottle of my favorite virgin beer called “Virgin Summer”. It’s funny because I am obviously not a virgin, but I have to drink it. She told me it could make me feel bloated, so to take it easy.

  I haven’t taken anyone’s eating or drinking advice too seriously yet. I will probably regret that. I just throw everything up anyways.

  But here I am, late in the afternoon, awaiting the arrival of my parents. Jonathan left to pick them up at the airport. I told him I wanted to clean up the place a bit before they go there. But in reality I just needed a little more time to prepare myself.

  I am giving them the downstairs bedroom. At least then I will get a little privacy.

  I told Cindy about my parents’ bankruptcy. She consoled me, and then proceeded to tell me that I am getting payback for being such a bitch.

  I told her she was probably right.

  It’s 4:15PM and I can hear the car pulling into the driveway. Gertie-bitch-cat is looking at me from on top of the counter with an expression that reads: what the hell are you looking at?

  I am wearing a v-neck sweater that has a rainbow on it. It’s black, but on top of the rainbow is a little kitty with sunglasses. My pants are still fitting me quite comfortably, which is nice. And I realize that I haven’t puked today.

  Score!

  The front door opens and in comes the stampede. It’s like that scene from the movie Jumanji, where all of the wild animals go crashing and running through the house and down the street and things are all chaotic.

  My dad walks in and throws his suitcase down next to the front door and yells, “where’s the bathroom? I must go to the bathroom!”

  He takes off to find where it might be hiding.

  Next comes in Mother with an outstretched umbrella. She shakes it off inside the house and sets in on the floor. She then click-clacks her heels on the hardwood floor towards me. “Let me get a look at you, darling!” She hugs me, kisses me on both cheeks and then looks down at my stomach. She begins to talk to it. “You are going to be so well cared for, aren’t you?”

  I stop her. ”Mom, it can’t hear you.”

  “Why of course it can!” She continues to baby-talk to my stomach. I roll my eyes.

  “Where is Jonathan?” I reach the front door and look outside just in time to see him, in the rain, pulling out suitcase after suitcase.

  What the hell?

  I run out to help him.

  “Babe, go back inside. I’ve got it.” Jonathan tries to boss me.

  “Hell no. Let me help! I’m capable. Here, hand me that big one.” I try and carry it but then immediately drop it. It’s so heavy!

  “What the hell is in this thing? Why are there so many suitcases?” Jonathan doesn’t say anything.

  I grab the smaller one and run it inside. It must have just started raining because no one is prepared. People are running down the street from the park with their sweatshirts over their heads. One boy is holding his skateboard above his, trying to block the rain.

  After a few trips, we get all of the luggage inside. By the time we are done, and Jonathan and I shake out our wet hair, we realize the parental units are no where to be found.

  “Mom!” I yell.

  Ugh, what the fuck?

  Jonathan slips off his shoes and starts to stack the suitcases.

  Right then I hear something from the downstairs bedroom.

  I walk closer. It’s like a moaning sound.

  I open the door and there is dad sitting on the bed, his back facing me.

  All I can see is my mother on her knees, her head bobbing back and forth in the sort of motion no girl should ever see her mother doing to another man. Even to her own father.

  “What the fuck? Mom!” I yell. But as I walk further into the room, I can see that she is simply trying to help my father take off his shoes. I guess he is incapable of that now as well.

  I put my hand over my heart. As if I have just escaped some great tragedy.

  Oh, thank God.

  “Emily, dear, let me see that belly of yours.” My dad finally speaks.

  “Dad, I don’t really have one yet. Plus, let’s not start off by talking to the baby. Let’s just sit down for dinner, ok?” I feel like I must lay down the law from day one. Otherwise it’s just one big shit show.

  We finally get everyone gathered around the table. Jonathan whips up some pasta and veggies. I pour my mom wine, and dad a Scotch. I drink my virgin beer. I have to explain multiple times to mother that it does not have alcohol in it.

  Gertie jumps up on the table and my mother screams.

  “Ahhh! Emily, that cat is going to hurt the baby! You must get rid of it.”

  “Mom, it’s just Gertie. She’s fine. I’m not getting rid of my cat. She loves me,” I say, as I look adoringly at my fat fluff-ball.

  Jonathan quickly glances over at me because he knows I am lying.

  “Ok, she doesn’t love me,” I admit. “But we tolerate each other. And she is fond of Jonathan, so that’s that.”

  I hold Gertie for a second, before she leaps out of my arms and runs down the hall. She leaves a scratch. It’s bleeding.

  “Ouch, you whore!” I yell at her without thinking.

  “Emily! Language!” My mother yells. “Here, let me get you a Band-aid.”

  “Mom, I’m fine it’s just…“ but it’s too late, and mother has already left the table to engage with her large purse which stores a small first-aid kit. She brings back the essentials: Neosporin and a Bandaid.

  I oblige.

  And this is how it is now.

  One big “happy” family.

  5

  The Sex

  Today Jonathan and I go to the Doctor’s to find out the sex of the baby. I don’t think I want to know.

  I want it to be a surprise! How exciting, right?

  Jonathan does want to know.

  He is a planner.

  He is boring.

  This trip should be interesting.

  We hold hands as we enter the office building. Mother wanted to come, so I had to explain to her that there has to be boundaries if she is going to stay with us. Like the other day when I found her and dad fooling around in the living room.

  First of all: gross!

  Second of all: get a fucking room you old rags!

  I mean, c’mon!

  So I left mom at home, sulking as she dipped her tea bag into the hot water.

  “Well, if I can’t come, then at least let me name it.”