“Darling, you are too kind,” My mother says, happy she is getting her way.

  I roll my eyes.

  “But you better believe you are babysitting for free. Forever!” I say as I speed out of the dazzling, sparkling, perfect retirement home.

  My mother looks back at father who is in the back seat reading something on his phone.

  “See darling, won’t it be wonderful?” She says as she pats his leg.

  “How do you sign in to this Facebook contraption?” Father yells up to us.

  Mother and I can’t help but laugh.

  “Dad, you have a Facebook page?” I ask, looking in my rearview mirror.

  “I think so.”

  I shake my head and turn left onto Hollow Wood Street.

  13

  Reunion

  Darlene and Kathy are meeting Cindy and I at the park. I am getting dressed to head over. It’s the end of March and a breezy 65 degrees.

  I put down my most recent read, SILICONE VALLEY: LAND OF THE TECH DOLLS. I place it on top of PREGNANCY FOR DUMMIES. My other most recent read.

  I put on my blue jeans and new cashmere sweater.

  Mother bought it for me as a ploy to redeem herself from the guilt she threw at me last week when visiting her new retirement home.

  She is one lucky bitch.

  Her and father move in in a few days, and the packing has been “just too much” for my mother. She has taken the day off to have a facial and massage. It seems that folding clothing into boxes is a stressful event. Either way she is not home. Father on the other hand is snoring on the couch. This is a perfect time to sneak out of the house.

  It seems like forever since I have had a park visit. It just hasn’t been the same since alcohol departed from my life over six months ago.

  I blame the alcohol, that way I don’t blame the baby.

  Cindy is coming down the street, toting her youngest child on the side of her hip. I decide to head out the door. But Gertie-bitch-cat is blocking it, sprawled out in a peculiar position, cleaning herself. She glares up at me, and before I can get close, she scatters.

  “Gertie, we have a movie date night later, so your attitude better be gone by then!”

  I yell at her as she runs down the hall.

  I somehow don’t wake father. He just stops snoring and turns to the side.

  I head out the door.

  Darlene and Kathy greet me with a hug and Cindy greets me with a “Hi whore!”

  I laugh and we all sit on the bench. Three little ones play on the playground structure and it’s as if no time has passed at all. I catch up with the girls. And then Kathy says to the other Badass Moms, “Should we tell her now?”

  Cindy looks at Darlene. “Ya, go for it Kathy.”

  They all turn towards me. I am in the middle and their love for me is literally suffocating.

  “OK, what’s up?” I ask.

  “We know you didn’t want a baby shower, so we planned something even better!” Darlene says as she opens her purse.

  “I’m intrigued,” I say.

  “Have you heard of Thunder From Down Under?” Kathy asks.

  “Um, no I haven’t, but it sounds sexual.”

  “Well, it is sexual, and that’s why we think you’ll love it!” Darlene hands me a piece of card stock with a photo of eight naked men on the cover. Excuse me, they aren’t quite naked. They are all holding hats over their junk. My mistake.

  I start to laugh. “Is it some sort of Full Monty thing?” I ask and I flip the card over to read the back.

  It reads: Australia’s sexiest men come to Atlantic City.

  “Oh, well, sexy I like!”

  “It is coming to town and we thought it would be fun to have one last girl’s night out before your baby comes!” Kathy says. She seems super excited.

  I turn to Cindy and try and get a read on her ideas about thunder and down under.

  “Cindy?” I ask.

  “It wasn’t my idea, but I stand by it. It’s not for another month still.”

  “Cool. Sounds like a great time,” I say. Only half believing myself.

  Darlene claps her hands together. I’m pretty sure she is more excited than I am.

  “We will of course get dinner before hand,” Kathy adds.

  “Sweet! Life is looking up,” I say sarcastically. Cindy laughs but the other two don’t catch on to my sarcasm.

  It’s sweet of them really. I will just have to pretend to not feel fat and ugly as I sit there hoping for a lap-dance.

  “So how did it go having dinner with Devil #2 the other night?” Cindy asks.

  Darlene and Kathy are helping their little nugget-gremlins off of the slide. They are both stuck inside somehow.

  “Oh, I didn’t tell you? Her husband owns Centerfolds strip club in the city! I know, cuz he punched my friend years ago. In the face! And left a huge mark on his head. To sum up the evening: it was like watching a horror movie, but where Sean Penn plays the main character as a retarded person. You just couldn’t believe it was actually happening.”

  “Sounds memorable,” Cindy says as she points to her child to get off of the drinking fountain.

  “Eh. Jonathan was upset I could tell. But good news, my parents are moving out. What’s new with you?” I ask.

  “Well, the husband is in Greece for work for two months. So I am a one woman show.”

  “Holy shit, two months? That sounds shady. What does he do again?” I ask, turning towards Cindy, trying to gauge her feelings about it

  “Well, it’s not exactly illegal, but it’s not something I brag about.”

  “Enough said.” I can tell when to let things go. I’ve determined that in this town, you just expect there to be at least one less than legal situation happening in everyone’s household.

  “Have you seen Mr. Allergies lately?” I ask.

  “You mean Dirk? Ya, actually he found himself a boyfriend,” Cindy says, smiling and raising her eyebrows.

  “Well, good for him. Did he freak out over all of the cat memorabilia? I bet that really threw him for a loop!” I laugh.

  “Actually, his boyfriend is supposedly as crazy as Dirk is, because I saw them the other day in town. They were walking a dog. Or at least that’s what I thought. It was dressed in a little outfit. But when I got closer I realized it was a large Iguana dressed up in a shirt and bonnet. Now that you can’t make up.” I just stare at Cindy.

  “I would have liked to see that. Good for Dirk. Getting himself a reptilian-loving boyfriend seems very fitting, don’t you think?”

  “Agreed. No Epi-pen needed,” Cindy remarks.

  Darlene and Kathy come back over and sit down. The sun is setting. Just then I see Jonathan pull into the driveway. He is home early. Cindy sees me staring.

  “Go to him. You don’t have to pretend anymore,” She says.

  “Pretend? What? No, it’s girl time!”

  “Emily, if I had a husband that hot, I’d never let him out of my sight! Go!” Kathy says as she bites on her sunglasses and checks out Jonathan as he exits the car.

  I get up to leave.

  “Thanks for the Thunder, girls,” I say.

  “Hey, when are you going to let that man marry you anyways?” Darlene shouts as I cross the street. I pretend to ignore her.

  I catch up to Jonathan as he is opening the front door to our house.

  “Ya, when are you going to let me marry you?” He asks.

  “Shut up,” I say. And I plant a fat kiss on his lips.

  “I’m hungry, what are you making me?” I ask as we enter the house.

  Right then, as we cross the threshold to our home, we see dad, in his underwear on the couch with Cheetos strewn all around him. There is orange on his lips, orange on the couch and orange on his fingers.

  “Dad!” I yell as I enter the living room.

  “Emily, don’t act like you have never done this. Now I know where you get it from,” Jonathan says.

  I punch him in the arm.

  “No Jonathan, I look good in underwear. There is a huge difference.” I joke.

  I clean up the Cheetos.

  My dad stays sleeping.

  “Ten thousand dollars a month doesn’t sound so bad right about now does it?” Jonathan remarks as he unbuttons his shirt and removes his tie.

  “I’d pay fifty thousand a month to get this Cheeto-eating, half-naked British man off of my couch,” I say as I am washing the orange food off of my hands.

  Jonathan comes over to the sink and grabs my hands. He puts my fingers in his mouth and licks off the remaining ones that aren’t clean yet.

  I am instantly wet.

  14

  Thunder From Down Under

  We all hop in the limo and take our seats.

  I’m getting quite large, so I hop in a little slower than the others.

  We have regular champagne and virgin champagne. Can you say “get the party started!”?

  We are all wearing enough glitter to fill a 1970’s strip club.

  Cindy is a doll and bought me an outfit for this very occasion. One that accents my very large pregnant-lady breasts, and hides my round pregnant-lady stomach. I am almost eight months pregnant and I feel like a Harp Seal.

  The girls are all dressed up and more excited than I am.

  “Darlene, does your husband know what you’re doing right now? Did you get a “mormon be bad” hall pass?” I ask, being my usual bitchy-self.

  “Well, now that you asked, I told him I am going to dinner in the city. Which, technically is true.” She looks down.

  I smile at her and squeeze her leg. Then I whisper, “It feels good to be bad sometimes doesn’t it?”

  Her eyes widen and she nods in agreement. I wink at her.

  “I’d like to propose a toast!” Cindy says as her tall and lanky body tries to stand. She realizes it won’t work and sits back down.

  “To the new mother. May she be as badass as the rest of us!” We all cheer and then chug. My glass is empty so I pour another virgin.

  “Where are we eating?” I ask. I’m starving as usual.

  “Well, the Casino where the show is at has this amazing buffet!” Kathy says.

  “Buffet? Oh my god I just orgasmed.” I joke. But, seriously that sounds delicious.

  We arrive at the casino. We sit. We drink. We fill our plates to the top with every kind of food. We share off of each other’s plates. We laugh. I am stuffed like a pig. I head to the bathroom to relieve myself.

  No one tells you this about being pregnant, but you feel like you have to pee all of the time. It’s quite an inconvenience.

  We pay the bill, and with full stomachs and much anticipation, we head in.

  Into the dark room, with small round tables and strobe lights. It smells like sex and cigarettes. Probably not the best place for a pregnant lady, but I am keeping up alright.

  We have the table in the front. Lucky day!

  “We got you the best table!” Kathy claps her hands together. She then pulls out something from her purse. It is a large sash which reads: “I’m about to burst.”

  Ugh.

  Exactly what I didn’t want to happen. But, I oblige and put it on. We take a couple pictures and when no one is looking I stuff the sash under the table.

  The show starts and it gets dark. Music starts going.

  Loud. Thumping. Girls start screaming.

  I look around the room and there are women standing and cheering and a few who look like they might leap up onto the stage.

  The men arrive.

  Eight of them.

  Toned abs. Dancing around like George Michael in the early 90’s.

  I’m not as into as I thought I would be. But watching Darlene get her fix of erotica makes me happy.

  After about thirty minutes of dance routines, the main guy, big, buff and definitely Australian, holds the mic and says: “Now we have a special Sheila out here tonight. And she has been a naughty girl.” He thrusts his hips and his bulge is showing through his glittery man thong.

  “Can we have Emily come on up here and show me how a naughty girl behaves.”

  Naturally I look around for a different Emily. A younger, less pregnant Emily. Then a tap on my shoulder and Cindy is nodding for me to get up on the stage right in front of us. I realize the large Australian has his hand pointed down at me. Darlene is jumping up and down and Kathy pulls out her phone.

  Oh fuck my life.

  Cindy gets behind me and helps me up on the stage by practically shoving me.

  “Show me what you got girl!” She says.

  And I say, “I hate you all!”

  Kathy just keeps her phone on me.

  I grab the sweating man’s hand and he sits me down in a chair.

  The lights are bright and I am squinting. I probably look like a baby mole, but fuck if I care what I look like right now.

  Two other men come out and they do a little dance for me. One rubs his perfectly formed junk on my thigh, and I pretend to play along for the girls’ sake.

  Darlene is just about the most adorable thing I have ever seen in my life.

  I smile for the video and even slap one of the guys asses.

  One of the guys pulls me up, motioning for me to stand.

  Ugh.

  So.

  Much.

  Work.

  Right then I feel something running down my leg. I am wet.

  Did I just pee myself?

  Fuck! I knew this wasn’t a good idea! I can’t hold my bladder. I’m like a toddler again!

  Just then I hear a couple people in the audience gasp.

  Then the hot lead stripper slips on the wetness below me.

  He falls.

  I look at Cindy, scared and wanting to know what I should do.

  “Cindy!” I yell.

  She yells something back at me but I can’t understand her over the loud, thumping music.

  One of the muscular Australians taps me on the shoulder, “Miss are you OK?” He yells into my ear.

  “Huh? It’s really hard to hear anything in here.”

  I look at Cindy. She starts to climb up on the stage.

  “Cindy, I peed!” I yell as she gets closer.

  “No, your water broke, Emily. Your water!” She points down to the floor. She has this larger-than-life expression on her face.

  “What? No. I’m only eight months!” I yell back.

  “We have to go! Trust me,” She says, trying to pull me up out of my frozen and embarrassed position on the seat. Meanwhile the stripper is helping himself up off of the floor.

  All three girls come up on stage and help me down. The lights are so bright. The crowd is watching us. The men start dancing further back on the stage.

  Improvisation is not their strong point.

  The girls quickly grab all of our things off the table and run me out the door.

  Right as we are exiting a voice on the microphone says in an Australian accent, “That young woman got so excited, her water broke. Let’s give her a round of applause, girls.”

  Oh jesus.

  More attention.

  I put my head down and rush out of the casino.

  Cindy hails us a cab and we all stuff inside.

  “I feel fine though. Are you sure I didn’t just pee?” I ask.

  The cab driver gives me a weird look. “You pee?” He asks.

  “No, she’s fine. She needs to go to a hospital. Now!” She straps me into the seat.

  “Cindy, I can fasten my own seatbelt. I’m fine!” I say.

  I am squished between Cindy and Kathy. Darlene is in the front seat.

  “Where you want to go, ladies?” The cab driver yells as he starts to drive.

  “A hospital! Can’t you see this lady is having a baby!” Cindy shouts.

  “I am?” I ask, eyes wide.

  “Yes, Emily. That’s what happens when your water breaks. Although most people don’t do it in front of eight Australian strippers,” Cindy says. She tells Kathy to call Jonathan and tell him what’s going on.

  “I don’t have his number!” Kathy yells over to Cindy.

  “Jesus Christ do I have to do everything myself!” Cindy complains as she takes out her phone.

  “I’m having a baby?” I am sort of freaking out. “But I am only eight months pregnant.” I realize I am clenching onto Cindy’s dress.

  “Love, it’s okay. Four weeks early is not that big of a deal. You are fine.” Cindy is trying to relax me but she is so tense herself, that I am starting to freak out.

  “Think of it this way, the earlier the baby, the smaller they are, and the easier it is to push out!” Darlene says in her sweet voice.

  “What? Push out? Oh fuck! I am not ready for this.” I am looking out the window of the cab biting on my cheek.

  I don’t feel anything yet. When does shit start happening down there?

  I see the lights of the city.

  Cindy has Jonathan on the phone. “We are heading to the hospital. Emily’s water broke. What? No. Hospital in Atlantic City. Okay hold on, let me ask.” Cindy holds the phone to the side and yells up at the cab driver, “Which hospital are we going to?”

  “General. General.” He screams back in his broken accent.

  Kathy and Darlene are on the phone talking as well.

  “What the fuck does General mean?” Cindy is yelling at the cab driver but he doesn’t answer so Cindy just tells Jonathan. “General. Look it up!”

  I grab the phone from Cindy. “Jonathan, bring my turquoise Carebear and pack a bag with clothes. What?” The other girls are talking and I can’t make out what he is saying. “Do we even have a carseat? No. I was supposed to- OK. Tell mother. OK. Love you too. Bye”

  I am freaking out.

  All of a sudden a striking pain hits my abdomen. I drop the phone and scream.

  “You okay lady?” The cab driver yells back.

  “Ok, Emily. You are fine. just breath darling, just breath.” Cindy says to me breathing in and out loudly.

  I hear Kathy say to whoever she’s on the phone with, “She’s gonna have her baby in the cab if we don’t hurry.”

  “Oh fuck. Cindy I can’t have this baby. I’m not ready.” I look up at Cindy and grab her shoulders.