“Jonathan, that’s not what we are here for,” I say as I look at him with my “fierce eyes”. I’m pretty sure I look like a cross between E.T. And Lucy Liu right now.

  “I know. We will get to that,” Jonathan states as he waves down our waitress.

  “We will get to it, like, you’re stalling because you’re cheating on me?” I ask. These hormones have really gotten the best of me.

  “Jesus. No. Look, that isn’t the case at all.” Jonathan looks at Cindy.

  “Sorry you have to be in the middle of this,” He tells her as he dives into the chips. I look over at her with a what the fuck? expression.

  “Are you kidding me? This is pure entertainment. You two love birds just crack me up.”

  Cindy’s drinks were not virgin.

  The waitress comes and we all order. I get fish tacos with lime and cilantro. Cindy orders a taco salad and another margarita, and Jonathan gets two bean burritos, a side salad, and the small nachos.

  Something is up.

  “Ok babe, time is up. Spill the beans. What the hell is with the woman in your car?”

  Jonathan takes a sip of his water and loosens his tie. Right as he begins to speak, my phone rings. It’s my mother so I hit the ignore button.

  “Continue,” I say, turning my body to face him. I am preparing to be either totally devastated, or totally surprised.

  Both options I hate.

  Jonathan looks at Cindy before he starts. She just keeps sucking on her drink.

  “You know how before we left New York, I asked you where you wanted to go? And you said ‘beaches, not here,’ or something like that?” He asks me.

  “Sounds about right.”

  “Well, I chose Glen Cove for a pretty specific reason. But I didn’t want to bore you with the details until I knew for certain that my hunch was correct.” He takes a sip of water.

  The waitress comes with our food. I push mine to the side, enthralled with this mystery unfolding before me.

  “Go on,” I say.

  “I had a hunch, from doing a little research, that I may have had a sibling living in Glen Cove.” Jonathan takes a bite of his burrito and he seems relieved.

  “A sibling? How do you not know if you have a sibling?” I ask (yes, maybe I’m being a little judgmental).

  “My parents separated when I was very young. Then I ended up living with my aunt. My mom sort of went off the deep end.” He takes another bite.

  I already know some of this, but Jonathan is so secretive about everything.

  Cindy has a mouthful and is watching Jonathan like he’s Johnny Depp in a speedo. I wave my hand in front of her face.

  “What?” She asks, embarrassed.

  “I think I need to cut you off, Señora.” I take Cindy’s glass and move it to the side.

  I turn back to Jonathan.

  He chews.

  “So, the woman. How does she play into it?” I ask, wanting to get right down to it!

  Jonathan wipes his mouth. “Well, believe it or not, she is my full sister. I guess my mom was pregnant with her right after my dad left, and went and had her in some hospital, but gave her away. Like, put her up for adoption.” He says this like it’s not a big deal. Just matter of fact.

  “Holy shit!” I say and pound my fist against the table.

  “Holy shit,” Cindy says practically slurring her words as if she’s just had a root canal. I glare at her.

  “Babe. That is a crazy story! So you didn’t have sex with her?” I realize that is a dumb question, I just have to clarify. My mind is a little foggy at the moment.

  “No, Emily! She’s my sister. We have been talking for the past month. I drive her into the city a couple times a week so she can see her therapist. I haven’t met her family yet and she obviously has not met mine.” He sits back and takes a deep breath.

  I sit back and start to dig into my taco. I say with a mouthful, “Well, you are just full of fucking surprises.” I chew and swallow. “What happens now?” I ask this and realize I should probably give Jonathan some sort of comfort. I’m not really great at that. So I put my hand down under the table and place it on his package.

  He gives me a weird look. “What are you doing?” He smiles at me.

  “Oh, This is me comforting you,” I say.

  “You could just hold my hand instead of my crotch.”

  I look around, a little embarrassed, and decide to take hold of his hand. I even lean over to kiss him.

  Points for me.

  Good partner points?

  I don’t know, but I’m growing as a human.

  “Well, now that the cat’s out of the bag, invite her over. I have always wanted a sister.” I take another bite of my food. Now that the anxiety of not knowing what the hell Jonathan was going to say is gone, I can eat in peace.

  I can tell Cindy wants to say something.

  “Cindy?” I ask.

  “May I ask who your sister is? If she lives in Glen Cove I must know her.”

  Jonathan wipes his mouth and replies: “Diane Morris. Her husband is Ethan Morris of Morris Manufacturing.”

  I see Cindy’s eyes get huge. Something is up. She hides it well.

  “Oh, that’s great sweetie. So glad you found her.” I push Cindy’s watered down margarita back over to her. I can tell she needs it.

  We sit in silence for a few minutes and inhale our food. Jonathan says he still has some paperwork to do and he will see me at home.

  He throws a hundred dollar bill down on the table.

  We kiss.

  I smack his butt as he walks away.

  As soon as he is out the front door I scoot over and Cindy and I lean into one another.

  “Who the hell is Diane? Why did you freak out?” I ask her.

  “Do you remember Bethany Mitchell?”

  “Of course, I tried to push my husband on to her so she would have sex with him. Thankfully she is repulsive.”

  “Right. Do you remember meeting her two sidekicks at the community center meetings? Drinking their Diet Coke? Wearing their very high heels?” Cindy sits back and waits for my reaction.

  “So you mean Jonathan’s sister is that Diane? Devil in Gucci #2?” I ask, even though I already know the answer.

  “Satan in a dress, yes,” Cindy replies.

  “Well, shit! What am I going to do? I have to play nice.”

  “Oh, she will play nice all day long. But just don’t trust her any further than you can throw her.” Cindy snaps her fingers for the waitress.

  We pay.

  I am sort of stunned.

  Oh well. Not the worst news.

  Better than what I thought it was going to be.

  A devil I can deal with.

  I deal with my mother every day.

  Cindy and I get into the van and start home.

  It starts to rain.

  I drive because, well, Cindy just can’t.

  I drop her off and make sure she gets inside.

  We embrace.

  “Chin up. This only means that your child will be related to a devil. No biggy!” She smiles and shuts the door,

  Fuck.

  I walk home in the rain.

  10

  Senile

  He grabs my hair and pulls it hard.

  I scream out and he covers my mouth.

  My pelvis is pulsating with heat.

  He licks my lower lip and kisses me hard.

  I am up against the wall, pushing my hands back against it. His shirt is off and his body is firm.

  My breasts are popping out of my button-down dress. The buttons keep flinging off as he tugs at my clothing.

  One by one they come undone.

  He pulls up the bottom of my dress and strokes my thighs.

  I am ready for him.

  He enters me and I hold onto his shoulders. Each thrust is like a pounding spark of heat.

  He moves faster and faster.

  I moan and bite my bottom lip.

  His hair smells so good.

  He holds himself up by putting one hand against the wall.

  We move in rhythm.

  He pushes himself inside of me a final time, and we both come together.

  It’s cold and rainy outside, but inside of our room it’s like a sauna.

  We are both sweating.

  I can barely stand, so when he exits me, I flop on the bed.

  He comes over and kisses me on the neck, then jumps in the shower.

  “I needed that!” I yell at him, as I pull my panties back on.

  “You don’t think I hurt the baby, right?” Jonathan asks as he peeks his head out of the bathroom door.

  “Nope. It’s gotta learn to deal with a little sex every once in a while.” I stand and grab the glass of water on the side table.

  I look at the clock and it’s 2PM.

  My parents went out to the grocery store and to “see the sights”, so Jonathan and I had the house to ourselves.

  For once.

  Last night I caught my dad up at 11PM going through the refrigerator.

  “Dad? What are you looking for?” I asked him, trying not to startle the old man, but speaking loud enough so he could actually hear me.

  “What?” He turned around quickly, realizing that I had caught him in the act.

  “Dad, are you ok?” I asked, putting my hand on his shoulder.

  “Oh, darling, I was just looking for my shoes,” He said as he shut the door.

  “Dad, are you lying to me? Or just that senile?” I asked, half kidding, half serious.

  “What?” He asked

  “Ok, that’s it. We are going to get you a hearing aid in the morning. This is ridiculous. Back to bed.” I guided him back towards the bedroom.

  He stopped me. “No! I need my shoes!” He pulled away from me and started back towards the kitchen.

  Holy shit! I thought to myself.

  My dad is going crazy.

  After a bit of coaxing, I got him back to his downstairs room, where my mother was fast asleep, snoring like a whale.

  He slipped back into bed.

  “Thanks, dear.” He murmured quietly, as I pulled the sheets up over him.

  I shut their door and stood in the hallway for a second, trying to get a grasp on what just happened.

  He needs help.

  So, this morning I took him to get his hearing checked, and made an appointment for him to get a hearing aid installed in the next couple of days.

  This needs to happen right away. Not only for my own sanity, but because Jonathan's devil sister is coming over for dinner this week and it would be helpful if good old David wasn’t yelling across the table, “What?” Or, “Can you pass the Whiskey?”.

  After the hearing aid appointment, I came home to find mother upstairs in the spare bedroom (which is supposed to be for the baby), holding swatches of different colors up against the wall.

  “What are you doing, mom?” I asked, trying to grab the swatches out of her hand to see what colors they were.

  “Stop it, Emily!” She stuffed them in her bra. “You can’t see, it’s a surprise.”

  “You realize that I live here, and when you paint this room, I can just walk up and see what color you painted it, right?”

  “You have to promise me you won’t peek. You told me I could do the nursery. You can’t go back on your word!” Her British accent was thicker than I remembered.

  “OK, but don’t let me down! If I see any giraffes or flowers on the walls, I will report you to child services.” I threatened her, pointing my finger.

  I went to the window of the upstairs room. Looking out, I could see a perfect view of the park. I saw Cindy sitting there with her kids.

  That cunt never even invited me down!

  I opened the window and yelled across the street to my friend.

  “Hey! Old Lady!” I’m not sure if she could hear me, so I yelled again, louder. “Hey, Cindy!!!”

  Right then my mother rushed over and shut the window.

  “Stop that nonsense, Emily. You are going to be a mother, so act like it!” She scolded.

  I scowled and backed away.

  Ugh.

  She really needs to move out.

  Jonathan steps out of the shower and starts to get dressed. It is Sunday, and he isn’t going to work, but instead has to prep my father for his court date. I guess being sued and having your company go bankrupt is sort of a big deal.

  “You know, I caught dad in the fridge last night. He said he was looking for his shoes,” I tell Jonathan.

  “What? That’s weird,” He says as he buttons his shirt.

  “No, I mean he literally thought his shoes were in the fridge. I think he’s losing it.” I get up and walk into he bathroom. I have always been a daddy’s girl, and fuck if I’m going to let my father go crazy! My mom is already too much to handle.

  “What are you saying, Emily?” Jonathan looks at me through the mirror in the bathroom.

  I look down and play with my dress.

  “That’s not all. When we were at the ear doctor, he told the receptionist that he was getting a biopsy done, because he thought he had cancer!” I look directly at Jonathan now. “I had to escort him away from her and apologize. I think he’s going to need some help.”

  “Well, that isn’t very reassuring. He has to be in court in two weeks.” Jonathan turns to me. Then he continues into the closet to grab his shoes.

  “That’s what I’m saying. I don’t think he should go to court. Isn’t there a way to handle this without my dad embarrassing himself?” I ask and follow Jonathan to the bed. He sits and I tie his shoes for him. Not only is this a sign of love, but a great way to get what I want.

  “I guess we could just settle. But it’s a lot of money, Emily.”

  I finish tying his shoes and set my head on his lap.

  “How much?” I ask.

  “To settle? Oh, I would guess at least two million.”

  “Two million?!” I jump up and put my hands on my hips. I bite my cheek.

  “Dad really fucked up. I mean, he really fucked up.”

  “Yes he did. But our firm has been able to get him out of four lawsuits already. So if he goes to court, we might be able to get him out of at least one more.” Jonathan stands and gives me a hug.

  “Shit is crazy,” I say as I melt into his arms.

  “Yes it is.”

  Jonathan sets up all of his paper on the dining room table. He’s waiting for my dad, drinking coffee and looking through the documents. I decide I have to figure out this whole mess myself.

  Let’s sum it up:

  I am pregnant.

  My parents are living with me. One of which is going crazy, the other of which drives me crazy.

  Jonathan’s new found Devil-sister is coming for dinner in two days.

  My dad is being sued for 2 million dollars.

  I am longing for my days in the New York apartment.

  Right as I say this, Gertie-bitch-cat comes in and jumps up on the counter. She is purring, asking for snacks. I go to pet her and she jumps off.

  Then I see her proceed to where Jonathan sits. She jumps up in his lap and he strokes her fur. She sits there and settles in. Then she looks at me with her death-kitty-glare.

  Bitch.

  I grab out my laptop and head to the living room. I decide to finish this season of The Walking Dead, before my mom gets back and yells at me for it ‘being too loud’.

  I open my Mac, and type into the Google search engine: “Old People Homes Glen Cove, NY”.

  I proceed to scroll through the list.

  Summerwood Retirement Homes.

  I click on it.

  $5,000 a month will get you: a one bedroom condo, a clubhouse and three meals a day. I pull out the calculator on my phone and do the math.

  That is $60,000 a year. My father is turning 72 this year. So the old bastard probably has at least ten years left of life.

  That’s $600,000!

  Mother, however is only 62, so she has at least another 20 good years left.

  That’s another $1.2 million just for her sorry ass.

  There has to be something cheaper.

  I scroll.

  Castle Gate 55+ Community.

  I click on it.

  Own your own house and pay $2000 per month to have access to the facilities and resident golf course.

  Dad golfs, but still. That doesn’t include food.

  I guess mom can deal with that. What else is there?

  Sandal Haven Gated Community.

  I click on it.

  For $3,000 a month, you can live in a one bedroom condo, have access to all of the facilities, including a pool and gym.

  Once a week house cleaning also included.

  Sounds interesting.

  That’s only $6,000 a month for the both of them, right?

  I print out the pages, and highlight the addresses.

  I text Cindy: Tomorrow is another adventure. Want to look at old people homes with me?

  Cindy texts back: No. That shit is depressing. BTW, did you yell at me earlier?

  I reply: FUCK U! And…yes.

  I stack my papers up and stash them into a drawer right before mother and father walk in.

  “Hello? We are back!” Mother shouts as she shakes off her umbrella.

  She comes over to me and whispers, “Your father grabbed a female cashier’s breast today. Don’t tell him I told you, but really Emily. He is quite the peculiar man these days. I’m surprised she didn’t press charges!” Mother starts the tea kettle.

  “Holy shit!” I say.

  “Watch your language.”

  Last thing we need is another lawsuit.

  “Mom, can I ask you a question?” I ask, in my sweetest possible voice.

  Mother turns to me. Sort of like a small child turns to a waitress when she brings them a large chocolate milkshake.

  “Of course darling.”

  “How much are you selling your house in San Fransisco for?”

  “Well, I don’t exactly know. Your father deals with the money.”

  “Mom, you realize he’s in the middle of two lawsuits, and you are going bankrupt, right? Don’t you think it’s time that you dealt with the money?” I say, hoping she won’t freak out on me.

  My mother puts her hand over her heart.