“Love, you are going to be fine. I have had six of these little fuckers. I know what I am doing. Driver, how much longer?” She yells very loudly this time.

  The driver responds, “Five! Five minutes. Five!”

  This poor guy.

  Kathy turns and grabs my hand, “Honey squeeze my hand next time the pain comes.”

  It comes and I do.

  I squeeze the shit out of her hand.

  “Fuck! Oh lord. Okay it’s fine. You are very strong,” Kathy says as she squints her eyes holding back the pain.

  “I’m sorry.” I can’t help but feel guilty for everyone involved. Fucking four weeks early!

  All of a sudden the cab slams on its brakes and everyone is ushering me out.

  I am walking into the hospital still holding Kathy’s hand. Cindy shows up with a wheel chair and a nurse.

  “She almost had it in the cab!” Darlene tells the nurse.

  “Darlene, shut up!” Cindy explodes. “Everything will be fine Emily, I am just calling Jonathan again.” She assures me as a strong young black man pushes me inside.

  “I bet you haven’t seen a woman give birth wearing stripper heels and glitter before.” I say to the man as we glide down the hallway.

  “Ma’m you would be surprised.” He chuckles as he says this.

  Ew.

  Ma’am?

  So this is my life now.

  I am a “Ma’am”.

  We round a corner and the pain strikes again.

  FUCK!

  15

  Delivery

  Everything is happening so fast.

  And then it slows.

  It takes hours before I even see an actual doctor.

  Cindy is at the front dealing with paperwork I guess. This isn’t my normal hospital so they say it will take a little while.

  Luckily for me the pain has subsided for a bit. I am laying in the bed and Kathy and Darlene are sitting in chairs next to me.

  “You know you are lucky you got a room all to yourself. When I had Margo, I was in a room with three other women. Only a sheet stood between my bloody mess and theirs.” Kathy explains.

  “Bloody mess?” I ask.

  “Kathy!” Darlene scolds her and then scoots closer to me and holds my hands.

  “Jonathan should be here any minute. Do you want anything?” Darlene asks in a sweet voice.

  “Ya, for my baby to come out of me!” I lay my head back on the pillow and shut my eyes.

  We wait.

  And wait.

  Jonathan arrives. Unfortunately he brings with him mother and father. Now there is mother, father, Kathy, Darlene, Cindy, Jonathan and myself.

  Jonathan comes over and kisses me. He drops the bag he is carrying on the floor. “Are you ok? What can I do?” He is frantic I can tell. Any reasonable person who has just driven miles with my parents would be frantic.

  “No babe, I am fine for right now. The nurse said I might want to get a little rest before the contractions start really coming.

  “Okay, that’s it. Everybody out!” Jonathan screams at everyone. I have never seen him like this.

  “It’s alright, they can stay.” I grab his hand.

  “No, you need rest.”

  “Well, I want to stay.” My mother insists.

  “Emily, who do you want in here?” Cindy asks.

  “Emily, I can get you some food if you want.” Darlene chimes in.

  I never thought having a baby would mean choosing between the people I love. But for once I am just going to do it and not care about the consequences.

  “Jonathan and Cindy can stay,” I say and then quickly lay back on my pillow and pretend like I am sleeping. I will deal with it all after I push a watermelon out of my vagina.

  “OK, you heard her, let’s leave and make our way to the waiting room,” Kathy says, un-phased.

  An hour passes.

  A striking pain surges down my back and into my loins. It throws me up off of my pillow. I give out a yell.

  “FUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!” I lay back down.

  “I am getting the nurse to see about an epidural.” Cindy says as she runs out of the room.

  Jonathan is holding my hand.

  I am breathing deeply and feeling like I could punch him in the face.

  “You look so beautiful,” He says.

  “Don’t mess with me right now,” I say as I squeeze my eyes tight, willing the pain to leave my body.

  Eventually it does.

  And there is relief.

  Sort of like after holding your pee for a very long time on a road trip. And finally you get to the rest stop. But there is a line, so you wait longer. You don’t think you can hold it any longer. Then finally you land on a toilet seat and the pee streams out of you like a beautiful river of relief.

  This relief is even better.

  Jonathan stands as the nurse enters.

  “How are we doing?” The large and sweet-faced nurse asks.

  “Oh, just dealing with the sharp knives stabbing me in my vagina!” I realize I should probably give her more respect.

  “I mean, I am better now, but could I get some drugs or something?” I ask, smiling afterwards.

  “You want to take drugs, Emily?” Jonathan asks as he leans down over me.

  I just give him one look like: Don’t even freaking ask me that or a scalping is in your future.

  He has seen this look before so he backs down.

  “It’s your body, so do what you want. I’m just asking.”

  “You can sit now,” I say to him.

  He does.

  I don’t have time to deal with other people’s feelings or political ideas about what is right and wrong.

  I want drugs and I want them now!

  The nurse is taking my pulse, and doing other “nurse-like things”.

  A pain. Sharper than before.

  This time I hold my breath. I feel like I am turning blue. I start grabbing the bedding on the hospital bed.

  “Okay honey, just keep breathing. I am going to get the doctor right now. He will decide what you need,” Sweet, large nurse lady says.

  Then relief.

  I lay my head back on the pillow and I am tired.

  I think I fall asleep for a second and then the door opens and a large white man in a blue doctor’s coat walks in. He is smiley and gracious and ready to give me drugs.

  “Ok Emily, it looks like we are going to do an epidural to help with the pain and move along the process here a little. Is that ok with you?”

  “Whatever you think,” I say, happy he is willing to oblige.

  “Alright. We are just going to stick this little needle in your spine, so I am going to have you sit up for a minute.”

  “What? Spine?” I ask. Any conversation with “needle” and “spine” doesn’t sound too intriguing.

  “Babe, remember I read you that section of the book you got about epidurals?” Jonathan asks me, patting my leg.

  “Was that before or after The O.J. Simpson mini-series was over?” I ask.

  “Good point.” Jonathan knows me well. I am unprepared. It’s my own fault.

  “Just stick her wherever you need to doctor,” Jonathan says as he smiles at me.

  “Very funny.” I wink at him. I realize he makes better decisions for me than I do.

  The doctor tells me to stay very still and to take a deep breath. The needle stings, but not that badly.

  I lay back down and ask for some water.

  I look at the clock and it’s midnight.

  I shut my eyes. Cindy and Jonathan are watching the television and talking.

  Bonding never looked so good.

  I can see my mother outside of the window talking with the nurse. She is probably freaking out.

  And I will let her.

  This little beast may not come out for hours.

  I need my rest.

  I awake to a great pressure.

  Like a gorilla is punching my vagina!

  It’s not as sharp as the pains before but it feels like my baby is trying to crawl his way out.

  Jonathan comes over and grabs my hand. “Cindy is getting the nurse.”

  “Did you bring my care bear?” I ask Jonathan as I squeeze his hand.

  “Yes!” He shuffles around the bag sitting on the seat. Then pops out my little buddy. He sets him on the side of the bed.

  I grab Jonathan by the shirt and pull him close. I kiss him hard.

  “You might want to suck on my breasts, because this could be the last time you see them for a while,” I say, half joking, half serious.

  “Are you serious?” Jonathan gives me a questionable look.

  “What? No one is in here right now.” I tilt my head to the side.

  “Emily, you are ridiculous.” Jonathan cops a feel of my very large, pregnant lady breast.

  “They are quite large.” He says and gives the second one a squeeze.

  “I’m telling you, this is the last time they will ever be this big. Next time you see these suckers, they will be producing milk. And you will have to steer clear.”

  Jonathan smiles and kisses me on the forehead.. “Life would be so boring without you, Emily Hawkins.”

  I nod, because I know what he is talking about.

  Another pressure. I have to pee! No wait I have to explode!

  I close my eyes and grab the railings of the bed.

  Right then the doctor comes in. He asks how I am doing and checks on some things. They start to fiddle with tools and gloves and who knows what else.

  The doctor tells Jonathan to wash his hands in the sink and put on the blue gloves on the table.

  Cindy is sitting next to me videoing with her camera. I am too busy being in pain to stop her.

  I just glare up at her.

  I am trying to breathe, but it’s hard.

  “Is it time? What’s happening?” I ask the doctor.

  “You are at about ten centimeters Emily and the good news is, your baby is ready to come out. I need you to take some deep breaths and focus on my instructions.” The doctor puts on some gloves and tells the nurse to do something. I am freaking out big time.

  “Can I go pee really quick?” I ask.

  “No time to pee. This is happening now. You are doing great.”

  I feel a great pain and pressure in my lower back. I can’t help but shout out, “Ahhhhh!”

  “Okay, now push Emily. Jonathan support her.” I can barely see the doctor from my view. Everything is sort of blurry and I am really thirsty. I try and focus on getting this watermelon out of me.

  I push and grunt.

  Jonathan is holding a cold wash cloth up to my head.

  “Great job, love, you are almost there!” Cindy shouts. She is behind the doctor, with her phone pointing at me.

  I have one moment’s rest and relief before another strong force bangs against my inner thighs.

  I am breathing hard. Then holding my breath, pushing and feeling like the heat and sensation will never go away.

  “Great job, Emily! Almost there!” The doctors voice is encouraging.

  Get this little fucker out of me!

  A tiny second of relief and I catch my breath. This is so much work and I am so tired. I am longing for my couch, and cold ice cream.

  The sensation comes harder than ever and I push and hold my breath and snap my neck forward.

  Silence.

  My lower half is throbbing.

  Jonathan leaves my head and moves towards the doctor.

  Then I hear a cry.

  A small and weak cry.

  I lay back in agony.

  I am so tired.

  “Great job mom.” I hear the doctor say.

  I can barely keep my eyes open.

  Then I hear another cry.

  Cindy comes over to me. “You did amazing, mama!”

  Then Jonathan arrives at my head again. I am sweating and panting.

  He is holding a little body.

  He places it on my chest. I don’t know why but I start to cry.

  I feel the tiny heart beating.

  It is gross and grey and bloody.

  But I cry.

  “It’s a girl,” Jonathan says smiling down at me.

  “This is my girl?” I ask.

  I hold her and she is so small.

  “Is she OK, doctor?” I ask.

  “She is healthy but will have to be monitored for a day or so. She is a little early but very healthy. Great job, mom.” He is talking to the nurse and giving her instructions.

  I look at Jonathan and he is crying too.

  I look at Cindy and she is touching the baby’s head.

  “But we don’t have a name for her.” I look at Jonathan.

  He smiles and pulls out a sheet of paper.

  Just then the nurse comes over.

  “Ma’am I am going to need to take her for observation. We are going to set up a small bed for her next to you.”

  I hand over the tiny body. I am still in shock from what I just did.

  I just fucking peed out a baby!

  High five to me!

  “So I have compiled a list of names of leading female characters from your favorite television shows and movies,” Jonathan says as he opens the sheet of paper.

  “You knew it was a girl, so you planned names.” I guess and he nods.

  “Sounds about right.”

  “I am going to get the others,” Cindy says. And I nod because I am too tired to say one more damn word.

  I look at the list and it reads:

  Jessica (Jessica Jones)

  Bridget (Bridget Jones)

  Cora (Downton Abby)

  Sybil (Downton Abby)

  Gemma (Sons of Anarchy)

  Vivian (Pretty Woman)

  Ripley (Alien)

  Michonne (The Walking Dead)

  Marion (Raiders of The Lost Ark)

  Rainbow (Rainbow Bright)

  Kitty (Hello Kitty)

  Dana (Scully from X-Files)

  Leslie (Parks and Recreation)

  I fold the paper back up and look at Jonathan.

  “I have never been more in love with you,” I say. “Can you get me some water?” Jonathan fetches it from the sink in the room.

  I sip it slowly and it tastes so good.

  “What do you think our little nugget should be called?” I ask Jonathan. He pauses. He looks down at the paper.

  “Honestly I didn’t think you would ask me that. I’m not really prepared.”

  I reach out to take his hand.

  Right then a storm cloud enters the room looking like: mother, father, Darlene, Kathy and Cindy.

  “Where is the sweet little baby?” Mother asks.

  “They took her for a few minutes to do some testing,” Jonathan replies, clinging onto my hand.

  “Where are the snacks!?” Dad asks.

  I laugh but it hurts because I am sore.

  The nurse comes back in.

  “I am so sorry everyone, but you need to leave. I have to spend some time with Emily and her baby to teach it to nurse and we still have some cleaning up to do. Dad you can stay. Everyone else, it will be about 45 minutes.”

  I could kiss the nurse. She about saved my life.

  She walks by me and I whisper, “Thank you.”

  She winks at me.

  Father is mumbling as he exits the room.

  I roll my eyes.

  Jonathan scoots his chair over next to me.

  “So, I know you have never met my parents, because I don’t really talk to them anymore. I left the house at sixteen because my father was a drunk and I just couldn’t stand by and let him beat me up anymore. I moved in for a short while with my great aunt who lived in upstate New York. She died when I was 19, but she basically gave me a bed to sleep in and food to eat for a few years when I was figuring things out.”

  “Wow, I never knew any of that. I’m sorry,” I say. I am tired, but now suddenly awake by Jonathan’s story.

  “Her name was Isadora. And I would like to call our baby that. It means gift.” Jonathan looks down at his hands.

  I lay my head back on my pillow. The nurse enters the room.

  “Izzy. Ya. I can call her Izzy,” I say quietly, but Jonathan hears me and squeezes my hand.

  “So you like it?” He asks.

  I lean my head over and look at him. The nurse places the small body wrapped in a pink blanket on my chest and I grab her. I can actually see her face and while her eyes aren’t fully open, they are stunning.

  “Hi, Izzy baby,” I say to her. She tightens her little finger around mine.

  “Ya. Izzy will do. And what about the middle name?” I ask.

  “I’m not sure. Her last name is going to be Clark, right?” Jonathan is looking harshly at me now.

  “How have we never talked about this before?” I ask as I look down at Izzy.

  How about Bizzy? She can be Izzy Bizzy Clark,” I say and Jonathan doesn’t seem amused.

  “Babe, can you call Cindy in here for a second?” I ask Jonathan and he fetches her. The nurse is filling out some paperwork.

  Cindy peeks her head in, “Yes, doll?”

  “What is your middle name, Cindy?”

  “It’s Carmen, why?”

  “No reason. Thank you! I will see you in a few,” I say and give her a wink.

  “Isadora Carmen Clark.”

  “I like it,” Jonathan says as he sits down next to me.

  “And hopefully Gerti-bitch-cat does too!”

  We laugh.

  “And when will your last name be Clark, Emily?”

  “That depends,” I say, stroking Izzy’s back.

  “On what?”

  “I don’t see a ring on my finger,” I say like the sassy bitch that I am. Then I start singing:

  If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it, if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it.

  The nurse chimes in with the second verse:

  Don’t be mad once you see that he want it, if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it.

  Jonathan rolls his eyes. He sits back in his chair.

  “Well, how do you two street-wise-lasses know that I don’t have a ring?”

  The nurse looks at me and smiles and brings over a couple of doctory tools.

  She looks at Jonathan, “Honey, if you’re having a baby with this woman, you best be getting her a ring.”