“I don’t know. I just don’t understand why things would end between you.”

  “It just did, Mom. Can’t we just leave it there? I don’t want to discuss it anymore.”

  She’s silent for a few moments, and I think she might finally be listening to me. I slide my eyes back fully closed and breathe deeper, desperately trying to calm myself down. I’m doing alright at the moment, surviving this quite well, but today everyone’s been on my case about Jodi, making it impossible.

  How am I supposed to recover from my addiction if everyone keeps bringing her up?

  “I really thought you were going to be with her forever. That’s what I don’t get.”

  “Mom, leave it.” I’m going to have to tell her in a minute, just to shut her up. “Please, talk about something else. Why don’t you tell me about what’s going on with you?”

  “Did it just fall apart? I mean, the connection between you two was so strong.”

  “Mom, she cheated on me, okay? That’s all I’m going to say to you. She was cheating on me, probably the whole time, so that’s why it ended. Do you think maybe we can just leave it there?”

  The silence in the air is palpable. I peer at her to see all the color drained from her face. She wasn’t expecting that, obviously. Nor was I. She must understand that. This is why I’m so stunned.

  “I’m sorry, Brock. I didn’t realize. That must have been awful for you.”

  “That’s why I didn’t want to talk about it. Because it always happens to me.”

  Mom nods slowly, gulping down as she tries to digest this. “What happened?”

  “Do I have to go into detail, Mom? Can we not just forget about it and move on?”

  “I would prefer you to. I just can’t see it. Jodi was so into you when I saw her.”

  “Yeah, she was playing me. You just got caught up in that.”

  “No, I don’t believe it was a game. I don’t. That’s why I want to know. It’s understandable because of what happened with your ex-wife, but I think you react too quickly to things.”

  “Okay, fine.” I sit up straighter and glare at her. “We were out on a date with some of our friends, and she was on her phone the whole time, barely paying attention to the rest of us, and then she stormed off, and I followed her.”

  “You did?” She clutches her hand to her chest, shocked at my behavior. “Why would you do that?”

  “I could tell that something was wrong, so I went to find out what. I heard her on the phone talking to some guy named Lucas, and then she went outside to talk to him, and I saw him kissing her.”

  “Was she kissing him back? How much did you see? Did you talk to her afterward?”

  “They were in the shadows, so I saw what I saw, but it was enough. I knew what was happening, and I talked to her afterward. She pretty much admitted it. Okay? She might as well have told me she did it.”

  “Oh right . . . I see . . .” She shakes her head thoughtfully. “I guess I didn’t realize . . .”

  “Thanks for the conversation, Mom, but I need to go. I have to get out of here.”

  “No, don’t leave. I don’t want you to go. I want you to talk to me about it.”

  “Mom, it’s over. It happened ages ago. I’m done, I’m moving on . . .”

  “You keep telling yourself that, but just know that I’m here for you.”

  I walk all the way to the front door before something stops me and I turn back again. I don’t really want to be alone right now. I just don’t want to be bombarded with questions either. This actually feels worse than when my marriage came to an end, despite that being a much longer relationship, and I’m not coping all too well after all. I thought that not drinking myself half to death and not fucking everything that moves was a good sign.

  Without saying another word, I slink back to Mom’s couch and sink into it, flickering my eyes closed again. Thankfully, this time she takes the hint and leaves me alone to grieve.

  16

  Jodi

  “My heart is pounding,” I whisper to Millie. “I don’t think I’ve ever been so nervous in my life.”

  “You’re going to be fine. I’m here with you. Don’t you forget that.”

  “Yeah, I know, and I’m so grateful you’re here, honestly. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  She rubs her hand over my ever so slightly swollen belly and smiles. “I can’t believe there’s a baby in there.”

  “I know, nor can I. But it’s real, it’s happening. I took about twenty tests to prove it.”

  “Yeah, it’s awesome.” Millie can’t seem to stop smiling. “Who would have thought that you’d be the first?”

  “I know. I’m not exactly the one in any kind of relationship, am I? It’s crazy. I never thought I’d do the whole single mom thing, but the more I think about it, the better it is. I won’t have anyone to answer to.”

  “Also, no one to help.” Millie cocks an eyebrow at me. “You’ll have me, obviously, but not—”

  “Don’t even say his name.” I hold up my hand to silence her. “I don’t even want to think about him today. It’s supposed to be a lovely, magical day. I don’t want it ruined by thoughts of him.”

  “I know, I know. I just can’t understand why you won’t tell him. It doesn’t seem right.”

  “He won’t answer the phone, and he doesn’t want to see me. I couldn’t tell him even if I wanted to. Which I don’t. He doesn’t deserve to get to know about our child if he won’t even hear me out.”

  “Yeah, I get what you’re saying. I just don’t like it, you know? It doesn’t feel right.”

  I fall into silence, refusing to continually go around in circles. I already know where Millie stands on this topic, and she knows where I stand. She thinks the father has a right to know about his child, and I don’t know how to get through to said father, so what the hell can I do about it? Even the idea of getting to him and listening to him yell at me about the possibility that he isn’t even the father of said baby puts tension in my shoulders.

  I don’t need an argument right now. I have enough going on.

  My mind drifts, and I wonder about the child when he or she is born. I know it’s a few months off no—about six, I’d imagine—but I’m still in the place of daydreaming about that moment. Will my child look like me or Brock? Is it going to be hard to disguise that he’s the father? Do I even want to? It’s so confusing.

  “What’s going on, Jodi?” Millie asks, her tone softer now. “Have I upset you talking about him?”

  “You haven’t upset me. The whole thing is just hard. It’s annoying knowing that I didn’t actually do anything wrong and he won’t listen to me. Now there’s an innocent victim of that stubbornness.”

  “You could always try again, you know? We could see him, face to face like I said.”

  “No, I don’t think so. If he can turn his back on me so quickly, then he can do the same to our child.”

  “Do you honestly think he would? I mean, he isn’t that bad a person, is he? He isn’t Lucas.”

  “Oh no,” I groan. “I certainly don’t want to think about Lucas right now. God forbid.”

  “He’s in jail. He isn’t an issue anymore, thank goodness. You don’t ever need to worry about him at all.”

  “I know. I just don’t like the memory of him. Looking after him got me in this mess. I hate him so much.”

  “Yeah, well, you don’t need to lump Brock in the same category. He wouldn’t treat you the same.”

  I shrug, refusing to get into it. He probably wouldn’t, but I can’t be sure. “I think I need water.”

  I move over to the water cooler and pour myself a cone of water. My hand shakes as I lift it to my mouth. Some spills down over my lips and onto my tee shirt, making me curse much too loudly. I dart my eyes around, quickly soaking in all the nasty looks from the mothers who already have kids with them.

  That’s something I’m going to have to work on if I intend to be the perfect parent.

  The pressure to be perfect does weigh heavily upon me, especially since I’ll be alone. I’m sure that’s not an alien concept, that everyone goes through it, but I am making it so much worse for myself.

  “Jodi Night!” the nurse calls out, smiling at me as she beckons me forward. “It’s time for your appointment.”

  I flick my eyes toward Millie, begging her to come with me, and she immediately rises to follow. Everything that just happened between us, all the tension, it simply melts away. Like she always has been, Millie is the best friend ever. She slides her fingers through mine and holds my hand until we enter the room with the bluish glow.

  “Okay, Jodi Night. I hope you’re ready to see your baby. Please lie down on the table.”

  The machine that I’m about to be hooked up to looks like alien technology. I don’t know how I’m going to see my baby on there, but I get a sensation of fluttery excitement as I wait. I do as she commands, lying back on the bed and blinking my eyes a few times as I adjust to the weird lighting in the room.

  This is going to change things, I just know it. Once I see my baby, everything that came before will be gone. All the petty bullshit, all the drama, none of it will matter anymore. This is the time for me to grow up, and I actually can’t wait for it. My youth has been a pretty turbulent time. I’m prepared for the next step.

  * * *

  “Oh, my goodness, this picture is amazing. It’s the best thing I’ve ever seen.”

  “Oh, come on, Millie, you’ve seen an ultrasound picture before, right?”

  I might be doing what I can to play it down, but I can’t wipe the giant smile off my face. It’s like I have a coat hanger spreading my mouth wide apart, and that matches the way I feel inside. Happiness explodes deeply inside of me, like an erupting volcano. It flows over, running free, heating all of me up.

  “I have, but not one that belongs to us. I mean, one of us is going to have a baby, which obviously and effectively means both of us. This is the happiest I think I’ve ever been.”

  “Don’t start crying again. You’ll set me off, and we’ve already cried all our makeup away.”

  “Okay, you’re right. Let’s go and do something to take our minds off this extreme happiness.”

  “Like what? What did you have in mind? A coffee and a cake or something?”

  “No, let’s go baby shopping. I mean, it’s time, right? You need to spruce that apartment up anyway.”

  I gulp, trying not to think about all the unpaid bills and the lack of funds in my bank account, trying not to get myself all worked up again that I might damn well be homeless before this baby comes. Without a job and a regular income, I still have no way of covering the medical costs of this baby, never mind anything else. But at the same time, I want to go and look at all the cute stuff in the baby shops.

  It might actually make me feel better to see what life is going to be like if something magically changes.

  “Yeah, you know what? Let’s do it. I can plan out what I want when my baby comes.”

  “And I need to decide what I’m going to get you as a baby shower gift.”

  I almost tell her that I don’t need anything for a baby shower gift, but I snap my lips closed just as quickly. I might well need everything bought for me as a gift since it’s unlikely that I’ll be able to afford it myself.

  “Come on, give me a look at that picture again, then we need to decide on names.”

  “I can’t pick a name! I don’t even know if I’m having a boy or a girl yet.”

  “That doesn’t matter. We can pick names for both. What about Cole for a boy?”

  “Ooh, Cole. And Louise for a girl? Do you like that?”

  “Louise? No, I don’t like that. You can’t call a baby Louise. What about Ariel?”

  “Like the mermaid? No way! Now you’re acting crazy. Remember, the name is for life.”

  We laugh together, a giddiness rolling through us as we head toward the shops. Everything else might be crashing down around me, but I have so much to feel good about, it doesn’t really matter. I know that somehow I’ll come through and make it all okay. Hopefully, this is what growing up looks like.

  * * *

  I flop onto my couch, my head spinning through everything. What a day it’s been!

  “I can’t believe you did that.” Millie laughs. “You landed yourself a job at the baby store.”

  “I know! It’s awesome, isn’t it? But it makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it? They are in the business of babies, so I know they’ll be great when it comes to maternity leave and things like that. I’m sure they’ll even take me back once my little boy or girl is born, so I’ll have that to fall back on when it comes to it.”

  “It doesn’t pay that great though . . . nothing like your last job . . .”

  “I know, but this feels good. My last job isn’t an option anymore. It’s never going to happen, so I have to move forward. This is good, this is what I need. Now, at least, I can support myself.”

  “Will it be enough? I don’t want to put a damper on things. I’m just concerned about you and the baby.”

  It won’t be enough—I don’t even need to do any mental calculations to work that much out—but it’s better than nothing. Right now, I have no money coming in and too much going out. This is an improvement.

  “You don’t have to worry about anything, I’ll be fine, Millie. Honestly. I appreciate you caring, but it’s okay. Haven’t I proved to you today that I’m kicking ass at this?”

  She smiles and nods agreeably. “Yeah, I suppose you have. I’m sorry . . . I can’t help worrying.”

  We chat for a little while longer before she leaves so I can get some rest, which I really appreciate, but today has stirred absolutely everything up. Now all I can think about is money, and I know I can’t bury my head in the sand any longer. In a few months’ time, this baby is coming, and I’ll need some money to finance that.

  I grab my cell phone and stare at Brock’s name, wondering if I can get him involved in this. If he doesn’t want to be a father, that’s okay, but he could at least help me out financially. I’m sure he won’t want his child to end up in the welfare system, so he might give me the money. I don’t even need to speak to him. I can just leave a message, let him know what’s going on.

  I’m sorely tempted, just for the baby, but my pride can’t take the rejection just yet. I might have to resort to this, but I’d much rather try everything else first. There has to be another solution—I just need to find it. I’ve taken positive strides today, and I can keep going down that track. I just need to keep thinking smart.

  You can do this, Jodi, I tell myself determinedly. You still have that sass. It will be fine.

  If I tell myself that enough, surely, it will come true.

  17

  Brock

  I rub the pain in my head away, trying to focus once more. I actually got more done when Jodi was here, which is a fucking nightmare and really pisses me off. If I could just focus on what I need to do, I could forget about her. Everyone else has moved on, and time has whizzed past quickly. I just need to forget.

  Karen peeks her head around the door. “Uh, Mr. Stanton? There’s a woman here to see you . . .”

  I sigh loudly and shake my head. “No, I don’t have any meetings scheduled today. I don’t want to—”

  “But she’s quite insistent. She’s saying that you will want to speak to her about this.”

  Karen is so organized, but she’s nowhere near firm enough with people. Because of her, I keep finding myself in situations I could do without, and it looks like this is going to be another one.

  “Karen, I really don’t want to speak to anyone today. Do you think you can get rid of her?”

  “Uh, yes sure. I will see what I can do. Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you . . .”

  She bows her head and slides out the door. I put my pen down, knowing that she won’t be able to keep whoever it is outside. They’ll be through that door in a heartbeat, bombarding me with sales stuff.

  “No fucking way you’re getting away with this any longer, Brock. I won’t have it.”

  As predicted, the person bursts through the door to speak to me. However, I wasn’t expecting it to be that familiar face staring down at me as if I’m the worst person on the whole damn planet.

  “Millie?” I furrow my eyebrows and glare right back. “What are you doing here?”

  “I’ve tried to keep out of it, Brock. Believe me, I have really tried to keep my nose out, but I can’t keep out of it any longer. I can’t. This is pathetic. You’re both adults. You need your heads banging together.”

  “What the hell are you talking about, Millie? I haven’t got time to talk to you about this.”

  She slides into the chair on the other side of the desk with her arms folded across her chest. “Trust me, you will want to hear what I have to say, and I’m not leaving until you listen anyway.”

  “My place of business isn’t the time or place for this sort of conversation.”

  “Well, there isn’t anywhere else, is there? So it’s here, and it’s now.”

  I roll my eyes and snort angrily. “Fine. Whatever, Millie. Get it over and done with then.”

  “Okay, let’s start with your behavior then, shall we? Because you are being pathetic.”

  “Pathetic? Are you fucking kidding me?” My temper rears its ugly head again. The bottle cap has popped, and everything I’ve locked away is spilling forth. “I was wronged, and I shut it down before it could turn toxic. If that isn’t the right thing to do, then I don’t know what is. I didn’t let it turn into a load of messy rows.”

  “No, you just shut Jodi down and wouldn’t let her explain. You didn’t even hear her.”

  “She admitted it! There’s nothing else to say than that. She told me right out it happened.”

  “What did she admit? I don’t understand that. There’s no way. If I remember rightly, it’s the kiss, right?”