He doesn’t say anything. Instead, he indicates for the waitress to come over with some more drinks. He’s right. This is what we need to do. If I get so drunk I can barely see, then I won’t think about her anymore. I need to finally purge myself of this addiction, to get rid of her forever. I’m done. Even if that makes me an asshole.

  14

  Jodi

  I lift my sticky face off the couch, blinking desperately into the bright light of morning. My sleeping pattern has gone to shit recently. I don’t ever know what time of day it is, but since I have nowhere to be, it hardly matters.

  “Oh, Jodi. I hate seeing you like this. I wish you’d come and stay with me for a while.”

  “I’m starting to regret giving you a key,” I grumble. “And I can’t go back. I’m trying to move forward.”

  “I know you are, but you have a stack of red bills piling up. I don’t think you’ll be able to keep this place.”

  “Urgh, it’s nothing to worry about. It hasn’t been long. I’ll figure out a way to pay them.”

  “I’ve got half a mind to speak to Brock about it. He left you in this mess, firing you like that.”

  “Yeah, well, he seems to think I cheated on him, doesn’t he? And he won’t talk to me now.”

  “Have you tried to speak with him? Maybe he’s calmed down now. He must have had time—”

  “No. I’ve been calling him and messaging him. I even emailed him to explain my side of the story, but he doesn’t want to get back in touch. He could be ignoring me for all I know. In fact, I’m sure he is.”

  “Does he know that Lucas has been arrested and won’t be bothering you again?”

  “I told him about the drug use and petty crime, but it isn’t enough.”

  The one good thing to come from Lucas’s random arrest is that I found out his addiction isn’t to me. There isn’t something fundamentally odd about me . . . it’s drugs. He wanted the money for drugs, and the other stuff was just bullshit. I needn’t have been worried. He was likely strung out when he saw me, desperate for another fix. I believe the gambling is still an issue for him too, but hopefully all of that will be dealt with while he’s in jail. I have no doubt that he’ll be locked away for a long while, during which time I do hope he gets therapy. Poor Lucas just needs help. He’s never recovered from losing his parents, and I hope this is the time.

  Maybe there will be a time when I find out, but probably not. I don’t think it’s wise for me to be anywhere near him ever again. It just seems to spell all kinds of trouble.

  “That’s weird. I don’t understand. Things were so good between you before. It seems odd to throw it away like that. I thought he was a reasonable man, that he would at least hear you out.”

  “But I told you what happened with his ex-wife, didn’t I? I suppose he’s just so afraid of being cheated on.”

  “But that’s not what happened. You need to make him see that. Go and see him. Make him understand.”

  “I can’t. He said he doesn’t want to see me again, and I really think he meant it. If he didn’t, he would have at least answered once out of all the times I’ve tried to call him.”

  “And you don’t think a face-to-face conversation will change that?”

  I shake my head while I try to push myself into a standing position. I suppose I should try and make Millie a drink, be something of a good host. Most of the time when she’s here, I just lie on the couch, deflated.

  “I just need to keep moving on, that’s all. Find a way to recover from the heartbreak.”

  “I haven’t ever seen you like this, Jodi. This is worse than when you first arrived in Vegas.”

  “I know, but that’s because I love Brock. I haven’t ever felt like this for anyone else. It’s too much losing him. It’s making me feel sick.” I sigh loudly. “But since I can’t change it, I have to just carry on.”

  “What do you think you’re going to do? Start with getting a job? Maybe tidy this place up a bit . . .”

  I don’t know what’s stopping me, but I can’t imagine myself in any other job. The idea of having another person for a boss and trying to be the best employee I can for him is too much to bear. Never mind the thought of actually cleaning up my house. That’s something I’ll have to think about another day.

  “I will. I know that I need to. I’m just stuck at the moment. I feel frozen. I want to move on and do something positive—I know that’s what I need to do—but I can’t seem to make it happen.”

  “I suppose the one good thing is that at least you won’t have Lucas coming after you for more money. You finally got rid of that nightmare. Too late for my liking, but there you go. It is what it is.”

  My arm aches as I try to lift it to switch on the coffee machine. Everything is like this at the moment—all movements are painful and sluggish, like my body doesn’t want to move at all.

  “I know. You did warn me. You even messaged him to stop it, but I got sucked in again.”

  “You’re too nice, believing too many stories he spins your way. I know the guy went through a troublesome time, but it’s his own responsibility. Things could be so different if you’d taken my advice.”

  Her words rocket through me like a spaceship, and I lean forward to clutch my stomach. Without me even realizing it until it splashes beneath me, vomit flies out of my mouth, burning my throat as it goes. I’ve been a bit like this recently, throwing up at random times, and it seems to come every time I’m sad.

  This breakup with Brock is actually making me ill. I don’t know if I’m going to survive it.

  “Oh God, Jodi, you’re sick. I didn’t realize.” Like the angel that she is, Millie wraps her arms around me and guides me toward my bedroom. “I didn’t know it was quite like that. You need to get some rest.”

  “I’ll be okay in a moment. The sickness comes and goes. I’m sorry, I didn’t—”

  “It’s okay. Don’t you worry about a thing. I’ll clean up then I’ll head to the pharmacy to get you something.”

  “You’re such a good friend. I don’t know what I’d do without you, Millie.”

  “Well, you won’t have to again. I’m always going to be there for you.”

  My eyes slide closed of their own accord, and I remember what drew me to Millie in the first place. We were young, in school, and we had the same lunch bag. Something so simple, but also something that we had in common, which at the time was everything. I needed a friend badly and wanted it to be her.

  We were solid after that, always having one another’s back. She got me through the difficult, awkward teenage years, and I hope I did the same for her. I knew even then that I would always be able to count on her, and she’s more than proven that. I owe her big, and I fully intend to be there for her should she ever need it.

  While she’s gone, I drift in and out of a fitful sleep, unable to relax for even a second. Nothing is right, it isn’t where it’s supposed to be, it’s all everywhere, all over the place. I want that settled feeling back, the sensation that I’m calm and whole again. I had that for a while, but I’ve lost it, and it’s horrible.

  Millie becomes a nightmarish beast in my mind, Brock becomes a shadow monster, everyone that I’ve ever known or cared for tears me from the inside out, destroying me in the most painful way possible. It’s as if there’s something agonizing in my stomach, wanting to break free, but I don’t know how to let it out.

  I grab at myself, trying to rip my skin because I’m so desperate to get it out. It’s weighing me down, pressing down on me, leaving me stuck where I am. Something wants me right where I am, to do whatever the hell it wants to me. I don’t want to be tampered with. I’m going through enough.

  I scream out Millie’s name, then Brock’s, before I remember that I have to fear them too. They aren’t my friends anymore. They aren’t the people who love me. They want me dead as well. Everyone does.

  “Argh!” Screaming out, I jolt myself awake. Sweat pours down my face. “Argh, fucking hell.”

  I still feel that nasty panic coursing through me, snaking over and through my organs, affecting every inch of me. It’s cold, yet I feel hot. It freezes and boils at the same time. The sickness is something else.

  “Hello? It’s me again. Are you okay, Jodi?”

  “Millie?” It takes me a few moments to realize that she isn’t the enemy anymore. “I’m here.”

  My throat feels red raw, like the skin has been stripped away. I need some water to replenish that dryness. I try to rise to my feet, but I’m too unsteady. Luckily, Millie is by my side in a heartbeat.

  “Whoa, whoa, don’t get up. You don’t need to stand. I have some stuff for you.”

  She hands me a brown paper bag that apparently has all the answers, and I rifle through it, looking at the selections of pills and remedies she’s chosen for me. She seems to have every damn thing—it’s like a goodie bag filled with surprises. The only problem is I can’t think straight for long enough to decide which one to take. They all feel very oddly appealing and unappealing in equal measures.

  “What the hell?” I pull out one box and look down the length of it. “What’s this?”

  Millie’s face flames red. “Look, I know that it’s a long shot, but it’s still a possibility, don’t you think? The tiredness, the sickness, the way you’re extra emotional right now . . .” I give her a hard enough look to silence her. “Okay, look, don’t you think it’s best to try? To rule it out as a possibility.”

  I gulp down the thick golf ball of emotion that lodges in my throat. “Now I do.”

  My brain reels back over all the times we were careful and all the times we weren’t so much. More often than not, Brock and I got so caught up in the heat of the moment we didn’t even think about it. We were in a bubble, locked there with only me and him, no consequences to worry about.

  Only now, I’m starting to realize that wasn’t the case at all.

  “I think I’m going to do this now, get it out the way, get rid of the possibility.”

  “Yeah,” Millie whispers back, “I think that’s the best thing to do.”

  I walk my heavy limbs into the bathroom, now seriously considering the possibility of having a baby with a man who hates me so much that he won’t even talk to me. It sure as hell isn’t a nice prospect. I haven’t ever been the sort of person to dream about having babies, but I guess I always sort of assumed that when the day came, it would be a much happier occasion.

  I pull out the instructions and run my eyes over them, already sort of knowing what I need to do. I have to pee on the stick, and it will tell me either way. Simple, easy . . . fucking life-changing.

  A tear leaks from my eye as I sit. I can’t keep it inside. I’m a total mess, so much so that I might not be able to see the results when they come along.

  Whatever the results are, I’ll be fine . . . I’ll be okay.

  Honestly.

  15

  Brock

  “Are you okay?” Josh’s voice is timid, just like it always is these days. It’s almost as if everyone thinks that I’m a ticking time bomb that’s about to go off at any moment. I kinda feel that way too. “Do you need anything?”

  “These numbers.” I bang the paper down on my desk much too hard. “They don’t add up.”

  “Wh-what do you mean? The numbers in this place are always meticulous.”

  A heat rises through my body. To be honest, I’m sure it should be aimed at something else entirely, but I don’t want to get lost in that right now. “I know, but things have been a little slack recently, haven’t they? I’ve been slack. Always spending my work hours fucking around with some woman who didn’t even respect me.”

  “Uh, well . . .” Josh averts his eyes everywhere. Clearly, he doesn’t want to get into this conversation. “I can always take a look at them if you’re worried. See if I can spot anything that needs improving.”

  I slide the paper over to him and dart my eyes over to the desk still sitting in the middle of my office as a torturous reminder that the best time of my life wasn’t anything like that at all. It was all a lie.

  “You know what? That needs to be moved as well. Get someone up here to take it out.”

  “Are you thinking of finally hiring another personal assistant? It’s been over a month now . . .”

  “I wasn’t, but yes, you’re right, I should. I’m tired of trying to do it all by myself. I need someone here.”

  “There isn’t any chance of . . . well, you-know-who coming back to work here?”

  “I know that’s what everyone thought was going to happen, but it isn’t. I will not be fucked around by anyone. I’m not going to be made a fool of again. She’s done, I’m finished with her, it’s over.”

  “No, I know. I just wasn’t sure if she would come back to work. You don’t want a lawsuit on your hands.”

  “Trust me, I’ve thought about that, but it won’t happen. If it was going to, it would have been done already. Or at least on the way. Plus, she knows that she did wrong, so I’m certain she won’t bother. It’s fine.”

  “Yeah, okay, I just . . . I don’t know. It doesn’t feel quite right to me.”

  “Well, it isn’t up to you anyway. And you were the one who told me not to get involved.”

  “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have started this topic. I’m sorry.”

  I blow out a giant breath of air, irritation bursting through my veins. I’ve been like this the whole time, ever since I first saw Jodi with fucking Lucas. Like I’m on the edge of everything I can handle, and anything else will explode. I curl my fists tighter, trying to keep it all locked away. I don’t want Josh to feel the brunt.

  “Right. Well, is there anything else you want to talk to me about?”

  “No, I suppose not. I just came in to check on how you are.”

  “Yeah, well, you can see. I’m doing fucking marvelous . . . is that what you want?”

  “I don’t want any of this. I just want the old Brock back. This has changed you.”

  That comment knocks me sideways. I knew everything was hard, but it’s taken a lot for Josh to say this to me. He must really think that I’ve changed. I don’t like this one bit. It winds me up that I’ve let another woman do this to me, take me out of my comfort zone and turn me into someone else.

  “Right, well whatever. I’ve got a lot to do, so I’ll speak to you later on, okay?”

  Just as he’s about to leave, I see another face peeking around the corner. Shelley, with a guilty expression playing on her lips. It takes everything I have not to yell at everyone to just get out.

  “Hey, Brock, I just wanted to pop in to see what’s going on here?”

  “Why?” My expression hardens, and I fold my arms across my chest. “So everyone can gossip about it?”

  “No, boss, we’re all just concerned about you. You don’t have a new PA, and you seem very stressed.”

  “Shelley, I know you aren’t here because of me. You don’t ever go out of your way to talk to me unless it’s work-related and you have to, so what is it? Hmm? What’s going on?”

  “This is work-related. I want to know that everything is running smoothly, that’s all.”

  “No, it isn’t that. I know it isn’t, so why don’t you just be honest with me?”

  “Have you spoken to Jodi?” Those words fly out of her mouth so rapidly she almost trips over them all as she goes. “I keep trying to get hold of her, to speak to her. She’s my friend, and she won’t speak to me . . .”

  “Are you trying to pretend you don’t know what happened between me and Jodi?”

  “I don’t really know anything. You broke up, and she isn’t here anymore. I guess she lost her job at the same time.”

  “It wasn’t like that. It wasn’t straightforward. Don’t make out that I’m the bad person.”

  “I’m not. I’m just trying to figure out what’s wrong. I’m hoping I haven’t upset her.”

  “No, trust me, you haven’t upset her. I’m sure she’ll speak to you whenever she’s ready.” I push myself up from my desk, unable to focus on work anymore. Not with everyone digging at me. “But I’m getting out of here now. I have to get home. I need to send some emails from there. I’ll speak to you later on.”

  I see Shelley and Josh share a look, but I choose to ignore it. Let them think what they want. I know the truth. I like burying myself in work at the moment. It’s usually a good distraction, but it doesn’t seem to be working for this.

  * * *

  “Mom, stop looking at me like that. I came here for a rest from it all. I don’t need a lecture from you too.”

  “I haven’t said anything yet! I’m just sitting here opposite you. It seems like you have a guilty conscience.”

  I peek out of one eye, giving Mom a look. I only came to see her because being at home alone wasn’t working out for me. Now I regret it a lot. She’s going to start digging in a moment. I should’ve prepared for this.

  “Go on, Mom. I can see the questions behind your eyes. You might as well get it out.”

  “I just haven’t seen you for a while, Brock, so I want to know what’s going on with you.”

  “You mean with regards to Jodi?” She doesn’t deny it. “I already told you over the phone.”

  “You told me that you and she broke up, but I never learned more than that. I know you might not want to talk about it too much, but it seems to me like you need to get it off your chest.”

  “I don’t need to get anything off my chest. I don’t want to talk about it, that’s all.”

  “Did you do something?” she persists, ignoring what I want completely.

  “No, I didn’t do something. I didn’t want it to end. It wasn’t me that made it fall apart.”

  “No, I thought you didn’t. I haven’t ever seen you as happy as you were with her. It’s weird.”

  “If you thought I was happy, then why do you think I’m the one who did something?”