“Yes, it was the kiss. She told me that she kissed Lucas. What do you want me to do?”

  “I don’t know what she said to you, but you misunderstood. She didn’t kiss Lucas.”

  “I saw them kissing. I saw them out in that alleyway, kissing. With my own freaking eyes.”

  “You didn’t see them kissing. You saw him grabbing her and threatening her. That’s what you saw. Maybe you couldn’t see it clearly because of the shadows. Jodi told me he even tried to kiss her. Maybe that’s what you saw, I don’t know. But shutting her down and not even listening was wrong.”

  “I don’t believe you. That all sounds like a load of excuses to me.”

  “Lucas is in jail now for drugs and petty crime. He wanted money from Jodi to pay off debts.”

  “Who the fuck is Lucas anyway?” I toss my hands in the air, frustrated. “I don’t understand any of this.”

  Millie sucks in a couple of breaths, trying to steady her thoughts. I can almost see the cogs in her brain spinning far too fast. “Okay, sorry, let me explain. I’m too angry to do this properly. Jodi came to Las Vegas after all her trouble in New York. You know about that, right?”

  “I sort of know something. There was some trouble with a guy she went out with, right?”

  “Yeah . . . I mean, that’s putting it mildly, but yeah. She came here to get away from it, and Lucas just lured her in. He pretended to be very much something he isn’t, and Jodi needed that. It was only later on that his gambling addiction and much darker side came out. That’s when they split up.”

  “So why are they still in touch? That doesn’t make any sense. If they split up, then what’s the point?”

  “Because she feels very sorry for him. He lost both his parents in a horrible accident, and she’s always felt a level of responsibility for him. I suppose he relied on her, and she was too afraid to let him go. The deeper the addiction got, the more it became a horrible emotional abuse too, which Jodi struggled to get out of. I know she did because even when I tried to help her, she got sucked back in over and over again.”

  “But she’s such a strong person. I don’t understand how that would even happen.”

  “She’s strong with an open heart. Plus, she’s had troubles herself, so she wants to help everyone.”

  “Yeah, I suppose that makes sense. I can see that in her.”

  “Exactly, so she just wanted to help him, and this time he got even more desperate. He told her there were people about to kill him if he didn’t give them money, and since he’s driven everyone else away with his behavior, she’s all he has left. Jodi felt bad. She didn’t want to think about him dead . . .”

  “But we were seeing one another. Why didn’t she tell me this was going on?”

  “Because it got nasty. He threatened you, too, and the casino. She thought it was too new, that it would push you away. She just wanted to handle it without getting you involved. She didn’t want to bring you into drama that she’s always dealt with herself before then. She’s so independent. Too independent.”

  “Well, that’s just stupid. That’s absolutely ridiculous. She should have asked me for help.”

  “Maybe so, but it’s easier to say that with hindsight. At the time, it wasn’t easy.”

  “Hmm, I suppose so. But that doesn’t explain why she was kissing him.”

  “She wasn’t kissing him, you idiot. She loves you. She’s loved you for a long time.”

  The word love hits me like a knife in the chest. I don’t want to think about it in the same context as Jodi, not anymore. Especially since Millie has me all churned up in knots now with her words.

  “I don’t know why you’re here, Millie. Too much time has passed anyway. We’re done.”

  “That’s just your stupid pride talking. You don’t really mean that. I know it.”

  “No, Millie. I really don’t know what to think about what you’re telling me. It all just sounds ridiculous. Some ex-boyfriend threatening her for drug money. She doesn’t even have any money.”

  “She doesn’t have money because she’s always bailed him out. But you do.”

  “Are you telling me that he went after her because of me?”

  “Because he was jealous, he didn’t want her to move on, and he also wanted to blackmail her into giving him money. He told her he had the guys who were threatening to kill him surrounding your casino, ready to kill you. She thought he was going to either murder you or ruin your casino. She was scared. That’s why she went outside to talk to him alone—she didn’t want you to get hurt. Don’t you remember seeing her afterward? She was covered in bruises and all dirty. Or were you too wrapped up in your own pride to see anything other than anger? I saw you that night, so I already know the answer.”

  “Alright, fine,” I concede while darting my eyes downward. “Maybe I was enraged.”

  “But plenty of time has passed now. You’ve had lots of time to pull your head out of your ass and start acting like a normal human being. Yet, somehow, you still aren’t doing that. You’re ignoring Jodi’s calls and messages, her texts, her emails, her voice mails. All of it. Just because of your pride.”

  “It isn’t because of my pride. It’s because we need a clean break to move on.”

  “To move on why? She didn’t do anything wrong? Why do you still need to be so stubborn?”

  “Because it just proved that we aren’t meant to be together. She isn’t my soul mate or whatever.”

  “Now who’s being stupid? Honestly, I haven’t ever heard anything quite like it.”

  “Why are you here, Millie? I assume you’ve come for more than to tell me to call her back. I can see it in your eyes. So, since we’re about to hit a dead end, you might as well get it off your chest.”

  “It isn’t my place to say it. I feel really bad in doing so, but I have to. I can’t just sit back and let everyone make silly mistakes around me when I know what the answer is. You need to talk to each other.”

  “What is it, Millie? I’m starting to lose patience. You’re seriously winding me up.”

  Her eyes flash at me. “She’s pregnant, okay? She’s having your baby. And yes, it’s yours, before you make some snide remark about her cheating on you because as we now know, she wasn’t.”

  “B-baby?” I gasp out, clutching my stomach. “She’s having a baby? My baby?”

  “Yes. I went to the ultrasound with her yesterday. There’s definitely a baby in there.”

  “But why wouldn’t she just tell me? This is so much bigger than some petty fight. This is a life.”

  “Because of how you’ve treated her, you idiot. I hope you realize that now.”

  I’m silent. I let all of this wash over me in waves. I’m having a baby. Jodi is having my baby. Everything that came before this moment doesn’t matter anymore. The fact that Jodi wasn’t even lying to me, that she didn’t cheat on me, is amazing, but it pales into insignificance compared to this news.

  I’m going to be a father. There’s a baby growing in the world that will belong to me.

  “I’m going to leave this ultrasound picture right here for you,” Millie says quietly. “I hope you look at it and it leads you to the right decision, because all of this is silly. It doesn’t need to be like this.”

  She closes the door behind her, clicking it after herself, leaving me in a resounding silence with only the picture for company. I pick it up and run my eyes all over it, tears pricking behind my gaze as I do. This is an emotional roller coaster like no other. Everything I thought I had to feel is no more. Now, I suppose I can love Jodi again if I want to. Which I do. The question is whether or not she will ever love me again.

  “What am I going to do?” I mutter to myself. “How will I make this right again? I need to make it right.”

  18

  Jodi

  Okay, I admit it—this is harder than I thought it would be. I assumed working in a baby shop and earning myself a discount would be a good thing, but it isn’t as fun-loving and carefree as I thought. Seeing all the couples coming in together, happy as they buy their baby stuff, hand in hand, arm in arm, all in love. I want that. God, I want that so bad, but it’s never going to happen for me. It’s too late for me and Brock.

  Sometimes, when I’m shelf-stacking, I imagine what it would be like if Lucas hadn’t been around. If that night hadn’t happened, then maybe this would be a really happy moment. We would be one of those couples shopping in the store without a care in the world, secure in our love for one another. It’s a nice dream, but not one I ever want to get stuck in. I can do this by myself. It’s fine.

  “Excuse me, miss?” A beautiful young lady taps on my shoulder. “Which crib do you recommend?” She sees me glance down at her very flat belly, and she smiles. “I know . . . I’m not showing yet, but I want to be prepared, and I just thought that since you’re further along than me, you might know.” She makes a sweeping gesture toward the display in front of us. “Which one do you have?”

  “I actually don’t have one yet. I’m still trying to work out the best one for me.”

  Actually, I just don’t have the money. Millie was right to be concerned about the pay here. By the time I paid off everything I owed, I wasn’t left with even enough to keep myself going. It’s a vicious circle. I haven’t bought anything baby-like yet, which isn’t really great. But I’m not in a bad enough state to call Brock yet. I’m willing to keep on fighting until I absolutely have to. I don’t want him involved. Not now.

  “Oh wow, you’re brave, leaving it so late. Hasn’t your nesting instinct set in yet?”

  “Uh, I think that’s something right at the end.”

  “Well, I’ve got it right now.” She rubs her flat belly and smirks. “Nine months of it, I suppose.”

  Inadequacy rolls through me. This is another thing that comes with the baby store job. Everyone in the world is already a better mother than I am. Even the ones who are doing this the first time around as well. They all seem to know more, to have more, to be more. It’s a crushing reminder that I’m winging it every single day.

  “Nine months of nesting. Well, you will have one very lucky baby then. A lovely home to come into.”

  I force the bright fake smile onto my face, and I go through all the specs of the cribs. She probably knows I’m not really someone to give advice, but she seems to hang onto my every word anyway.

  * * *

  I grab the mail as I walk through my front door, weariness overcoming me. It isn’t so much a physically demanding job—although I do find it hard to be on my feet all day with this baby in my belly—but it’s emotionally pretty demanding on me. I really don’t feel like looking at demanding letters.

  “Medical bills.” I shake my head sadly. “I need better fucking insurance, that’s for sure. Who knew that having a baby would turn out to be so damn expensive? Fucking hell, and rent demands as well. I paid my rent!”

  But one quick check on my online account shows me that the payment was rejected because I didn’t have enough in the bank on that specific day. Which means I now need to find that money plus the bank fee.

  It isn’t just that letter. There are lots of them. I’m sinking. It feels like I’m in quicksand, and it’s rising higher and higher with every passing moment. It creeps up to my neck, and I can almost taste it in my mouth already, filling my lungs, blocking off my air, killing me slowly. I try to gasp in some air, but that just fills me up more with the sand. There’s no escaping it, no way to get out, no solution.

  “I need to call him.” My voice is shaky as I admit this to myself. “I’m going to have to. I don’t have a choice.”

  But as I pick up my cell phone, I don’t think I can do it. That blockage is still there, the knowledge that he won’t want to speak to me anyway. I’m sure the last thing he wants is to now give me money.

  I don’t know what I’m going to do, how I’ll get out of this. It’s a mess. I can’t keep living here in this apartment. It’s costing me too much. I can’t go back to Millie’s now because she doesn’t live there alone anymore, plus I can’t invade her space with a baby, and I can’t go back to New York no matter what. Even if I’m sure Thomas is done with me now, I can’t risk it. I’ll never feel safe, especially not with a baby in tow.

  I don’t belong anywhere, I don’t have any options anymore, I’m lost.

  I hit the dial button without giving myself another moment to think about it. I barely even understand what I’m doing. I just need something to clear this quicksand away. I tried doing it alone, and it didn’t work.

  “Pick up.” I squeeze my stray fist tight. “Please, please pick up.”

  But as always, he doesn’t. He never does. Disappointment floods me as I drop the phone to the floor with a thump. However, as it hits the ground, it blasts out its ringtone, and I grab it quickly. I hit answer and press it to my ear without even thinking about. It has to be him. He’s finally given up ignoring me.

  “Brock? Oh God, thank you so much for calling me back.”

  “No, it isn’t Brock. Actually, it’s . . . um . . . it’s Lucas.”

  My heart stops dead in my chest, I have to be suffering through the worst nightmare ever. “L-Lucas?”

  “Yeah, I have some stuff I want to talk to you about.”

  “How are you calling me? I thought you were in jail.”

  “I am in jail. They let me use the phone, you know.”

  “And you’re calling me? I don’t understand.”

  I slump to the ground, desperately praying this isn’t about to all kick off again. I thought it was over. I assumed we were done. With him locked up, I didn’t think he would be able to contact me again. I don’t want to go through the rigamarole of getting a restraining order again. That was horrible when it came to Thomas.

  “I wanted to apologize to you. I was a real asshole.” I’m silent, agreeing with him without words. “I can’t stop thinking about how badly I treated you on that night. It was really fucked up of me. Especially after everything you’ve done. You’ve always been there when no one else was.”

  I melt a little, liking that he’s reached out to me to apologize. “Well, that’s nice, Lucas.”

  “I really do mean it. You’ve always been so good to me. I appreciate you so much, Jodi.”

  I cradle the phone to my ear, needing these comforting words today. “How are you doing in there, Lucas?”

  His whole voice changes. “Oh well, not great really. Prison is horrible.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that. I’m sure it isn’t pleasant. But maybe that’s where you need to be right now. To get you off all the drugs and stuff. A detox, that sort of thing. Then you can get your life back on track.”

  “Drugs? What the fuck are you talking about, drugs?”

  “That’s what you got arrested for, isn’t it? Drugs possession?”

  “I was carrying it, not taking it. God, you think so little of me, Jodi.”

  “No, I’m sorry. I don’t want to argue with you. That isn’t what this is about.”

  “I actually called you for help, Jodi, but it seems like you’re still wanting to be a little bitch.”

  “Help?” My heart sinks. I feel sick. I cannot believe that I’m back here. “What do you mean?”

  “I want to get out of here. I’m afraid I’m going to die. They threatened to shank me. I need some money to get out of here, even on bail. I can’t take it any longer, and you’re my only friend, Jodi.”

  I toss my head back and laugh. “Are you kidding me? I have nothing. I have no money, almost nowhere to live, a baby on the way, and you still want me to support you? It can’t happen!”

  “A baby? You’re having a fucking baby? Are you still with him? He’ll pay it.”

  “No.” My breaths come in short and sharp. I cannot believe that we’re back here again. “No, I’m not with him. I’m alone, obviously, or I wouldn’t be in this financial mess, would I? I’d be just fine.”

  “Fuck off, Jodi. I can’t believe you’ve let me down again. After everything I’ve done for you, and you’re keeping your rich-as-fuck boyfriend to yourself. What sort of bullshit is that?”

  He hasn’t changed at all. This isn’t an apology call . . . this is me getting dragged back into the same old vicious cycle. I can’t go back there, not now, not after all of this. I need to cut ties forever.

  “You’re in the right place, Lucas. You need to be in jail. I can’t bail you out. I have to focus on me at the moment. I need to work out what I’m going to do, how I’ll have this baby.”

  A string of expletives follow me, but I hang up the phone and burst into sobbing tears. Then I yank the sim card out of my phone and chuck it to the side, damaging it because I throw it so hard, but that’s probably a good thing. I don’t want Lucas to ever be able to get in touch with me again. I’m done with him for good.

  Only . . . now what? I’ve broken my phone and now can’t contact Brock, not that it was going to happen anyway. I really am on my own. I lean my head on the table, and I cry and cry until there aren’t any tears left in me. The world is closing in around me, and I don’t know how to make it stop. Soon it’s going to swallow me up whole.

  Knock, knock.

  I barely lift my head off the table as the sound radiates through my brain. “I’m here, Millie. Just come in already.”

  Knock, knock.

  “Millie, you have a key. Just come in already. Don’t make me move. I’m comfortable here.” I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone, but if she’s already here, then I don’t have much choice.

  Knock, knock.

  Urgh, I raise myself upright and force my sluggish body to take me to the door, to open it. I grab the knob and swing the door open, preparing myself to make up some excuse for my friend as to why I look like shit. I just can’t tell her about my money troubles or the conversation I’ve just had with Lucas. She’ll never understand it.

  But it isn’t Millie standing in front of me. It’s another face I recognize well. One I didn’t think I would ever see again. All the air is stripped from my lungs, leaving my chest tight and deflated all at once. I don’t know what to do. I run my eyes up and down him, completely convinced I’m dreaming.