I’m stuck in a mental loop, replaying everything that happened over the past few days, and I can’t bring myself to do anything but lie here.

  Fucking worthless.

  Out of habit, I ordered a pizza, my body recognizing that it’s time to eat, even though my appetite is non-existent.

  Nope, all I want to do is wallow in self-pity.

  Bathe in personal loathing.

  Find new and creative ways to hate myself for screwing this up all over again.

  This is my life now, doom and gloom and goddamned miserable.

  A knock at my door interrupts my brooding, and I scowl at the sound as it becomes more insistent. “Alright, Jesus, I’m coming,” I yell, flinging the door open.

  “The fuck was that?” Eric shouts, catching me completely off guard with his presence. He doesn’t need an invitation, apparently, as he storms right into my house, pushing my shoulders and kicking the door closed behind him. “Huh? What was that? You say those things to me, kiss me like you can’t live without it, then walk away? Give me the silent treatment for three goddamned days, only to show up and… what? Drive off before I can even get a word in? I don’t fucking think so.”

  Whatever conflict he’s looking for in me, he’s not going to find. I’m too beaten down to do anything other than take it as he shoves me again. “I don’t want to fight.”

  “Well, too bad. Too fucking bad, because we’re fighting.”

  “No, we’re not, Eric. Go back to Tai and let me be alone.”

  “You’ve got to be shitting me.” He pulls his lip up as he stares at me, brows forming a V above his nose. “You did not just say that. You are a first-class moron, do you know that? Stage five dumbass. Go back to Tai? The fuck does that even mean?”

  “Come on, Eric, I saw the two of you sitting there. I’m not blind.”

  “Apparently you are, or fucking stupid. Which is it, Dmitri?”

  My eyes squeeze closed, searching for patience as I cross my arms over my chest. When I finally speak, my voice is perfectly calm. “You don’t owe me anything. All I’ve ever done is fuck this up. And I’m sorry. For what I did back then, and for how I reacted when you told me. I’m sorry for leaving you alone for so long, and I’m so fucking sorry that I ever made you believe you weren’t enough.”

  “Dmitri…”

  My head shakes in defeat, my eyes fixated on the floor as I lose the battle with the tremble in my lip. “If… if Tai makes you happy, then don’t let me take that away from you. I’ve taken enough. I’ll step out of the band, and I won’t… I won’t get in your way.”

  A gentle hand on my cheek startles me, and I gaze up into those hazel eyes that I’ll miss so fucking much. The golden flecks dance like glitter, scattering the fire that burns behind them like a prism.

  “Goddamn you,” he whispers, and I can’t help myself as I place my hand over his. My treasonous lip betrays me again, and his thumb brushes over it as it quivers. “You are beautiful, and ridiculous, and the most infuriatingly rock-headed man I’ve ever met. But you are also a goddamned idiot. I’m not with Tai; never have been, never will be.”

  “But he was holding your hand,” I say, the words sounding weak and pathetic even as they cross the barrier of my lips.

  He clicks his tongue at me, a scolding little tsk sound, as he shakes his head. “He was making sure my hand wasn’t broken after I punched Dante.”

  That certainly makes me blink a few times in surprise. “Wait, you punched Dante?”

  “Yep,” he says with a quiet chuckle, “busted his lip right open for abandoning you at that bar. And then I had to eat crow and apologize so I could get your address.”

  The corner of my lip twitches in a fraction of a smile. “Eventful afternoon.”

  “God, you have no idea,” he mutters, that thumb still mindlessly stroking over my bottom lip. My entire body is amped up, focusing on the hypnotizing swipe back and forth. “There are no more secrets, Dmitri. Now that everything’s out on the table, nothing is in our way. The only thing holding you back is you.”

  Hope tiptoes softly beneath my ribs, fragile and uncertain. “Can you ever forgive me?”

  His eyes lock on mine, his tongue rolling under his upper lip as he slides it across his teeth. “There’s nothing left to forgive.”

  “But there is,” I argue, shaking my head as that thumb continues to drive me to the brink of madness. “Being drunk doesn’t excuse what I did, how I hurt you.”

  Eric sighs, offering me a small, pained smile as he inches closer. “After I had to pick you up from the bar, I started to piece together what happened. Even Dante and Theo said they didn’t realize how drunk you were because you acted so normal.”

  He reaches to grab my hand, drawing me towards him. “You were right—we can’t change the past. That time is gone, regardless of how much we sit around and argue about it. But the responsibility isn’t just yours. We’re both to blame. I hurt you, too.”

  “That doesn’t matter.”

  “Don’t be a martyr. It matters. Of course it matters, because as painful as it was to hear, you were right in what you said. If I would’ve manned up instead of avoiding the conversation, I wouldn’t have spent the last seven years constantly comparing everyone in my life to the one person I couldn’t have.”

  “You had me,” I whisper, and his hopeful eyes meet mine until he’s so close the warmth of his breath fans across my lips. “You always had me.”

  I draw in a deep, shuttering inhale at his next words. “And… and now?”

  “What about now?” I ask, mouth brushing his as my heart threatens to explode behind my ribs.

  “Can I have you now?”

  “God, yes,” I say on an exhale as I obliterate this infinitely small distance between us. His lips are gentle against mine, not allowing me to rush as he kisses me. He captures my bottom lip between his, teasing it with his tongue before gently grazing his teeth along the delicate skin.

  I nip at his lips, trying to coax his mouth open, then grunt when he doesn’t give in. “Patience,” he murmurs as he keeps kissing me in this infuriatingly thorough and unhurried way. “I want this to last.” Another whimper leaves me at his words, and my hands drift around his back and fist his shirt, tugging him against me.

  By the time he finally opens and lets me in, I’m desperate to taste him. I deepen the kiss and slip my tongue into his mouth, dancing with his as I tug at his clothes, rolling his body against mine. His hands find my hair, dragging his blunt fingernails across my scalp as a full-body shiver makes its way down my spine.

  “I’ve missed you,” I whisper as an intense, burning need for him consumes every inch of me. He gasps against my mouth as I spin us, pushing his back against the wall and blanketing his body with mine. “So, so much.”

  My erection strains against the fabric of my athletic shorts, and I shift my hips until I line us up, rocking my hips as the underside of my cock slides against his.

  “Oh, holy fuck, that feels amazing,” he groans as his head thumps to the wall.

  With a playful grin, I lick my way up the column of his neck to his prominent Adam’s apple. My tongue glides across and my lips tug at his skin, the salt from his sweat and the rasp of his beard causing my entire body to go into overdrive. His chest rises and falls under mine, his heartbeat erratic as I draw on his pulse point.

  It beats like a drum against my tongue.

  Fists still clutching the fabric of his shirt, I pull him away from the wall and wrestle it over his head, stopping to stare at the field of golden skin now exposed to me. Once again, my mouth seeks his neck, then continues its journey downward, sucking on his collarbones before landing on his nipple.

  Every step of the way, his body responds to me in the most incredible ways. Goosebumps and shivers, jagged breaths and the arc of his hips.

  Absolute perfection.

  The metal barbell clanks against my teeth as I draw it into my mouth and give a gentle tug. “Fuck, Dmitri,” he gasps as I soothe it with my lapping tongue. I shift to the other side, licking and sucking as he writhes above me.

  He grips the back of my head, holding me in place as I toy with his nipple rings. The display of dominance hits me straight in the balls, and I moan against his pebbled skin. “God, that feels so fucking good,” he says on a heavy exhale.

  As I cast a quick glance downwards, I find the clear silhouette of his rock-hard cock, pushing against the denim of his pants, and a tremor of want courses through my entire being.

  “Oh, shit,” he whispers as I drop to my knees. Full of mischief, I pepper kisses across his stomach as I stare up his body to his face, eyes glued to me.

  “What was it I called this?” I ask, dragging my tongue along his waistband.

  “A… a teeny belly,” he gasps as I pause just below his navel, inches from his straining cock.

  “That’s right.” I nod, dipping my head ever so slightly until I’m hovering where he wants me. “But that’s all that’s teeny on you, isn’t it, Eric?”

  “Fuckfuckfuck,” he breathes as I move closer, whisking my lips against the ridge that pushes against his jeans.

  Fingertips dragging up his thighs, I dip them into his pants as I slowly work his button open. The exaggerated, drawn-out whirr of his zipper rings out as I inch it down. By the time I get him fully unzipped, the head of his cock protrudes out of the opening, covered by his olive-green boxer briefs.

  “So fucking big and hard for me, aren’t you?”

  “God, yes,” he groans, flexing his hips forward as I smile up at him. His cheeks are flushed and his mouth hangs open as he breathes in rough inhales, completely undone. My eyes drift back down, groaning when I see the damp spot on his underwear at the tip of his leaking cock.

  I lean in and drop another gentle kiss on his crown, and he whines as he flexes again. “Please, Dmitri, fucking please.”

  My fingers dance up his length with a gossamer-light touch before I tug his jeans down around his thick thighs. The light dances off the sandy blonde hair that trails from his navel into his boxers. I push my nose against it, inhaling his masculine scent before I peel the last layer of his clothing away and expose him to me.

  When we previously found ourselves in this position, it was too dark, and he was too frantic for me to admire this work of art between his legs. But now, I’m going to take my time.

  Slow and steady until he begs for more.

  His cock is perfect, not as long as mine, but thicker with a fat, pink head that’s glistening with pre-cum. Veins run down his length, swollen and ready for my tongue to map. It doesn’t surprise me in the least to see that the thatch of tawny hair at his base is neatly trimmed. I’d always pegged him as a manscaper.

  A moan erupts from the back of his throat as I reach for him. “Are you going to make some noise for me?” I mutter, and he gets louder as I wrap my fingers around him. “Fuck, I like that. Get loud, baby—tell me how good I make you feel.”

  I spare him one last naughty grin before I lean forward and take him in.

  15

  “Oh, fuck!” Dmitri’s dark eyes don’t leave mine as he slides onto my pounding dick. At first, he circles his lips over my head, tongue sliding across my tip and then licking along the ridge.

  As he grips my shaft, he slowly pushes me deeper until his lips make contact with his hand. He suctions harder as he withdraws until just the very tip of me remains in his mouth.

  Skilled fingers slide to give my sack a gentle squeeze, rolling my nuts between them as he sucks me back in. In and out, he takes me further with each pass until the crown of my cock bumps his throat.

  “Jesus Christ,” I mumble, my hands flailing and searching for something solid to cling to.

  Releasing my balls, he grabs my wrists and guides them behind his head. “Fuck, you’re trying to kill me,” I whimper as my fingers lose themselves in his thick hair, my body responding with a slow, measured roll into the delicious warmth of his mouth.

  “Mmm hmm,” he moans around me, the vibrations tingling all the way to my balls. He draws me in and then pulls back, tongue flat against the underside of my cock as he moves, using a steady cadence as he builds his rhythm.

  I can’t look away from the sight of my glistening length disappearing between his lips.

  He shifts against me, and I watch him pushing his shorts down until his cock is exposed, jutting out obscenely off his body. He slides his mouth off me until his tongue is hugging the sensitive V seam of my head. Short, firm pulls make his cheeks flutter as he focuses all his attention on that spot.

  Anyone who ever said that happiness is unattainable has never had a blowjob by Dmitri. He sucks my dick like it’s his damn job.

  And let me just tell you, he deserves a raise.

  A promotion.

  Fuck, he needs to be crowned the CEO of blowies, because this is beyond anything I’ve ever felt.

  My fingers dig into his scalp as I grind my hips in that same shallow, rhythmic motion. Moaning a chorus of curses, a low throbbing sensation pulses from within my core. “Fuck, that’s so good,” I groan, unable to stop myself as I ram my cock in deeper.

  He slacks his jaw as I thrust; the spit coating my length and his chin creating a wet slap with every drive forward. Soon, he’s gagging around me as I fuck into his mouth.

  Flashbacks make me cringe as I remember how rough I was with him the last time. “Do… do I need to back off?” I pant after a muffled choking cough sends more spit sliding down my shaft, pooling until it drips off me in long, shiny strands.

  “Mmm-mmm,” he responds with an insistent shake of his head, hollowing out his cheeks as he uses his free hand to grip my thigh and jerk me forward.

  I groan his name and shift my hands to where his head meets his neck, thrusting wetly into his mouth as he strokes himself beneath me. My hips speed up, his tongue curving and rubbing the bottom of my cock, catching suction on the crown with each thrust. Every slick drag has me calling out louder.

  My body tenses as my grip on his shoulder digs in deeper. “God, I’m not going to last,” I gasp as my rhythm falters, my hips pounding relentlessly into his waiting mouth.

  The hand on the back of my thigh shifts, grazing up and down my crease as I groan, punching forward and forcing another gag from his throat. He circles my hole, the foreign sensation causing a jolt through my entire body.

  Something I never imagined wanting is now the sole focus of my attention—something I suddenly can’t live without. The light pressure that he uses to push against my opening has my cock so hard it’s bordering painful.

  Disappointment is fleeting as he removes his hand, but then he’s coating his finger in spit before he returns it to my ass. His eyes meet mine in question, and I nod frantically, never looking away from the slick slide of my cock between his stretched, glistening lips.

  “Please,” I gasp for emphasis, and his lips tug back in a grin as he sucks.

  Tension licks at my limbs as I pump into his mouth, the demand for release tingling and vibrating through my body. My skin is too tight, suffocating me with the need to break free of it all. A firm, wet swipe of his tongue has me gasping. “You’re going to make me come. Fuck, I’m close.”

  He pushes on my rim again, circling with his slick fingertip. I clench involuntarily and the flex pushes me deeper into his mouth. The noises that leave me are out of my control, nonsensical moans and grunts peppered with the chant of his name over and over.

  “Shit, Dmitri,” I groan as my balls draw up even tighter and the pounding deep in my core spreads, making me question how much longer I can last as I brace myself.

  After a slippery path around my hole, his finger slips past the ring of muscle, and I reach my breaking point. “Look at me,” I gasp as he snaps his eyes to mine. “Right there—don’t you dare look away.” With a roar, I hold him against me and thrust forward, burying myself deep inside him as the pressure erupts.

  “Oh, fuck,” I shout as my cock jerks against his tongue, hot spurts of cum shooting into the back of his throat. He moans loudly, sucking me down as his own rhythm falters. His eyes never leave mine as I fill him up, and as his hips snap into his fist, he groans again as he shoots into his hand while I continue to come down his throat.

  After a few draining thrusts, my back slumps against the wall as Dmitri gently suctions along my softening length, licking me clean. When he finally releases me, he plants a gentle kiss on the tip of my cock before climbing to his feet, peppering his lips up my torso until he reaches my mouth.

  He hesitates before leaning in to kiss me, and I frown at his reluctance. A sheepish smile spreads across his face as he says, “I wasn’t sure if you were ready for the taste of your own cum.”

  I grab his fisted hand, the one he just jerked himself off with, and guide it to my mouth. “In for a penny, Dmitri,” I say with a nostalgic grin, wondering if he’ll remember the last time those words were spoken between us. His lips part in a quiet inhale as I spread his fingers, opening his fist like a blooming flower and dragging my tongue along the creamy liquid pooling in his palm.

  Salty and undeniably masculine, I find I don’t mind it as I clean his hand. He never takes his eyes off me, never even blinks, as I suck his fingers into my mouth and lick across his skin.

  “Now,” I whisper, my voice filled with a vulnerability that I can’t hide, “please kiss me.”

  He swallows roughly as he holds onto my cheeks. “For seven years, I was missing the night that gave me our first kiss. It was a hole in my life, Eric, one that I couldn’t fill no matter how hard I tried. I can’t get it back, but I can promise you that’s something you’ll never, ever have to ask me for twice. You never have to beg.”

  I huff a quiet laugh as I try to ignore the giant knot in my chest. “Never took you to be a romantic type, Sticks.”

  He drops a peck on my lips before backing up and giving me a sweet smile. “For you, Eric? I’ll be whatever you need.”

  16

  “Okay, what about favorite holiday?”