It was safer that way, smarter to let it consume him when he lay here in the dark and his hopes crept up.

  15

  Toby stared at the way his mother shuffled around in her house shoes, her robe hanging off one of her shoulders, and her hair in a messy black and grey bun.

  “Honey, you ready for some more coffee?”

  He set down his cup and shook his head even though her back was to him. “I’m good, thanks, Mom.”

  It was already two weeks after his father had died, and they were still going through his financial paperwork. Although his mom didn’t show her sadness in front of him anymore, there were times he heard her softly crying in her room at night.

  He wanted to go to her and say that he was here, he wasn’t going anywhere, and that he hated that she hurt so badly. She turned around and smiled, the dark circles under her eyes telling him of her sleepless nights. “I am so glad you’re here, and so happy you were able to see Ace again.”

  He had seen Ace a couple more times before he had to head back to Ohio for his work, but they wouldn’t lose contact this time. He thought of Ace as a brother, even still after all these years. “Mom, come here and sit down.”

  His mother moved toward him, pulled out the chair in front of him, and when she was in the seat, he reached out and took her hand.

  “You look so serious, Toby.” His mother smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes, and Toby knew that his mom had to know what he was going to say. It wasn’t like they hadn’t spoken about the abuse dealt by his father after the fact, but his mom had been blinded by the fact she was in this toxic relationship.

  “Mom, come live with me in Silver Springs. He’s not here anymore, and can’t hurt you for trying to go against him.”

  She looked down, and the sound of her breathing filled the small kitchen. “This is my home, Toby.”

  He didn’t speak for several minutes. “You don’t have to be afraid anymore. He’s gone, and he won’t hurt you again.”

  She shook her head and smiled sadly. “I know your father was cold and harsh, Toby, but he was my husband. This is my home, my life is here now. I can’t leave, won’t. Your dad died here, was my provider—”

  “He beat you and me daily. He was a bastard, a fucking asshole that was a drunk and needed to be put in his place a long time ago.” Toby’s anger grew, and although he regretted saying the words as soon as they left him because his mother’s eyes widened, he had meant every word.

  “I won’t lie and say your dad didn’t have his faults, but I loved him, Toby.”

  He shook his head and blew out an exasperated breath. His mother loved a man that was a worthless, abusive drunk. “So you aren’t coming back to Silver Springs with me?”

  She patted his hand, smiled, and shook her head. “Will you stay a bit longer, help me finalize everything before you head back?”

  He nodded. He had time off of work, as much as he needed to take, but staying here brought back a lot of memories. “Yeah, Mom. I’ll stay here for as long as you need me to.” His mother had been a slave to his father for far too long, and even in his grave Robert Mason still controlled shit.

  “I just don’t understand how they could pass you up for that promotion,” her mother, Geraldine Clarke, said and picked up her dainty little fork. She poked at a piece of lettuce, put it in her mouth, and stared at Shoshanna. “I mean, you have a degree, are far more qualified than half the staff there—”

  “Mom, please,” Shoshanna said and leaned back in her seat. She was having lunch with her mother and father, and although Shoshanna hated this at times, she did love her parents, even if her mom was on her case constantly.

  “Geraldine, please let her eat and don’t hound her about work,” her dad said and grabbed his hamburger. Her father had always been a hardworking man, and when he’d made it big with his investments he still didn’t stop working from home. He had money now, but did everything himself, and wasn’t this snob that her mother had turned into over the years.

  “I’m just saying, she could have gone to Birmingham University and gotten a degree that wouldn’t have landed her in a job that didn’t promote her.”

  “Geraldine, please,” her father said with a stern, almost angry voice.

  Her mother threw her hands up and leaned back, as if she were exasperated with the whole thing. “I just want the best for her, and with that worthless guy cheating on you and leaving you for some bimbo—”

  “Mom, I don’t want to talk about any of that. In fact, I came to lunch in hopes that maybe, just maybe, you wouldn’t get on my case for once.” Anger and annoyance filled her.

  It had been two weeks since she’d been with Toby, and although she knew his father had died, and he must be going through so much right now, she wished she could see him again. Hell, she’d settle for talking to him.

  But even though she had always wanted him, and had felt this connection with him during that one night of pleasure, she wished that things would end up how she wanted, instead of how she knew it would be. Toby had so much to deal with, and surely he wouldn’t have time for her now more than ever.

  “For once how about you remember where you came from?” Her anger rose as she stared at her mother, her wide blue eyes trained on Shoshanna, and her red lips pursed. Her mother stared at her stunned she had said anything in return. Her dad patted Shoshanna on the shoulder, a smile on his face.

  “I understand you’re upset about the job and boyfriend—”

  “Yes, I am, Mom, but still, I am done hearing about how you wish I would have chosen a different profession, and how you wish I would meet a guy that had money to take care of me like Dad does for you.”

  Her father cleared his throat, probably uncomfortable that Shoshanna was speaking to her mother this way, but there was something inside of her that just couldn’t handle this right now. She had always been the quiet and timid person that let others call the shots.

  Shoshanna had been that geeky little schoolgirl who did her homework early, didn’t have a social life, and always kept her head down.

  But for some reason she was done with all of that, at least right now. Her annoyance was winning out, especially as she listened to her mother complain about the life she’d led.

  Her mom tossed her napkin on the table and stared at Shoshanna with still narrowed eyes. “Fine, Shoshanna. If you don’t want to listen to what I have to say, then you can sit here and eat alone.” She stood, stared at Shoshanna’s dad, and then lifted a brow. “Marlon?” her mother asked annoyed, “Are you coming?”

  “I’ll meet you in the car,” her dad said and stared at Shoshanna. Her mother stormed off, acting more like a child than a grown adult. When they were alone at the table he reached out and took her hand.

  “Your mother means well. She just doesn’t know how to phrase things.

  She chuckled, but it was a little annoyed. “I hate that she is like that. I wish she’d just be happy with how I live my life and what I’ve accomplished.”

  “And she is, in her own way, honey.” He smiled. “I’m proud of everything you’ve accomplished, and the woman you’ve become. No matter what you do in life I’ll always be proud of you.” Her father wrapped her in his arms and kissed the top of her head. “Just do what makes you happy, and don’t worry about what others say, even your mom.”

  16

  Three weeks later

  She was sweating. Like really sweating. She had this knot in her stomach because she was about to do something she didn’t think would happen for many years to come. Taking hold of the small paper bag even tighter, her heart pounded, and beads of sweat lined the valley between her breasts.

  This was like some kind of dream, some kind of crazy “this is so not happening” dream. Once she was in her bathroom with the door shut despite the fact she lived alone, she closed the toilet lid and sat down. The sound of paper crunching in her hand filled her head as she loosened her hold on the bag.

  God, she was feeling like she might pass out, like the entire world was tipping and all she could see was one of the small boxes she pulled out of the bag. She pulled out the other three boxes she’d purchased as well, one of each brand that had been at the drugstore, and set them on the counter.

  Her throat dried, tightened, and all she could see when she stared at those four boxes was a future that was not what she planned. Shoshanna wasn’t a fool, and had known that having unprotected sex with Toby a little over a month ago could bring her to this one moment.

  But there had been this voice in her head that told her the chances of her being pregnant as a result of that one night were so slim that worrying was not a high priority. How wrong she’d been.

  She was late, and although she had been late on occasion with her period, this time she just knew that the result would be life changing. After going to the free clinic in town shortly after she’d slept with Toby, Shoshanna had felt confident that she had done the responsible thing about being so irresponsible that night.

  She had gotten tested, not so much because she didn’t believe Toby when he had said he was clean, but because it was the smart thing to do after something so careless. She’d not taken the morning after pill, because the very thought of that hadn’t set right with her, had almost seemed abhorrent for some reason.

  She had never been in a situation like this, never even thought she would be because of her lack of male companionship.

  Taking the first test out of the box, she held it in her hands, watched her fingers shake uncontrollably as she held the stick, and then swallowed her nerves down. The results only took sixty seconds, but God, they were the longest seconds of her life.

  Turning away from the stick resting on the counter, she stared at the wall, counted in her head backward from one hundred because she needed something to take her mind off of this, and prayed that what was about to happen was what was meant to be.

  When Shoshanna picked up the test and stared down at the little window, she blinked over and over again.

  Two pink lines.

  She already knew what that result meant, but she grabbed the box, stared at the negative and positive reaction that was listed on the back of it, and cursed in her head. She set the test on the counter and grabbed another one, this one made by a different manufacturer.

  Same result.

  After grabbing the third and then fourth, taking them back to back, and staring at all four tests lined up on the counter, all four saying the same thing, she leaned back and breathed out.

  Pregnant.

  Here she was, pregnant by a man that had left Silver Springs over a month ago because his father had passed way with no notice of when he’d be back. She hadn’t expected him to tell her anything that morning after she had left, but with no idea of when he’d be back—if he’d be back—she was stuck in this place in her life that was unknown.

  Of course Shoshanna wanted to tell him she was pregnant, because although they only shared one night, and hadn’t been especially close at any time during their life, she didn’t think it right to keep it from him.

  But was calling him only a month after his father died and telling him she was pregnant really the right thing? She didn’t have his cell number, and although she probably could ask around for it, because surely someone in town would have it, it seemed grossly wrong to bring up a life changing discussion over the phone so soon after one of his family members passed away.

  Resting her back on the tank of the toilet, she stared at the ceiling. There were some water spots lining the white space above. She closed her eyes, covering her belly with a hand, and breathed out.

  How was she supposed to deal with this when she was getting her life on track? She had a job, but could that help her pay for a child, raise it and make sure it was okay and safe? And her mother, lord, her mother would be furious about this. No happy new grandma emotions from her.

  Looking at the tests lined up again, she saw each of them said the same thing. She was pregnant with Toby Mason’s baby. How in the hell was she going to explain this to Toby?

  How would he be able to deal with the birth of a child after the death of his father? Chances were he wouldn’t even want this baby, or think it was his. She couldn’t blame him though.

  Shoshanna had slept with him without even caring about protection, and there was no way for him to know that he was only the second guy she had ever been with.

  “How in the hell are you going to take care of a baby?”

  If things were different between them, and she didn’t just have a one-night stand with Toby, maybe this would have been a joyous time. Of course she didn’t want to keep this from him, but how did one go about telling a man that she had known for years, but just reconnected with after a tense separation of sorts, that he’d knocked her up after one night of incredible sex?

  God, this is so freaking bad. She threw the tests in the wastebasket and stood on shaky legs. The mirror showed a girl she didn’t even recognize. Her gaze traveled down to her belly, and she gripped the edge of her shirt, slowly lifting it up.

  She was only a few days late, but her breasts had been so swollen and sensitive, far worse than when her period was going to start. She stared at her belly, and the very idea that there was a tiny life growing inside of her, a little piece of Toby, was almost too much to handle.

  Letting her shirt fall back in place, she braced her hands on the counter and hung her head. How in the hell was she going to get through this? She didn’t believe in abortion, and couldn’t see herself carrying her child for nine months only to give it up for adoption.

  No, she would keep the baby and get through it, even if Toby wasn’t on board.

  Oh God. There was so much to do, and she didn’t even know where to start.

  17

  It had been five weeks since his father had passed and he had gone to help his mom. He had taken so much time off of work that he felt behind in his duties, and just wanted to get back to his life and the routine he had set for himself. He sat on his couch, his cell in hand, and Shoshanna’s number on the screen.

  He had yet to press SEND, because honestly he was scared shitless. Would she even want him? She knew his reputation, had witnessed it even, and he didn’t want her scared away again because he wasn’t a good guy.

  “Grow some balls, man,” he said to himself, and hit the button that would dial her number. Putting the phone to his ear, he listened to it ring. After the fourth ring he was about to hang up, but the voicemail kicked on.

  He contemplated just hanging up, because right now he felt like a teenager that was asking a girl out for the first time.

  “Shoshanna, this is Toby.” He swallowed, let there be dead air for a second, and then finished speaking so he didn’t make an ass out of himself. “I hope this call doesn’t piss you off, because I know we kind of left on weird terms last month, but I’d like to see you again.” God, he really did feel like an idiot asking her out over the phone on her voicemail. “So, yeah, not sure if you want to talk, let alone see me again, but Shoshanna—” He let there be a second of silence once again. “I’d love to see you.” He hung up after he left his number just in case, and stared at his cell. After setting it on the table he leaned back on the couch and stared at the ceiling.

  Toby hadn’t gone on a “date” in so long. He fucked, plain and simple, and after one, maybe two nights tops, with the same female, he moved on. It was a shitty mentality, but that was who he was, how he lived his life, and he was ready for a change.

  If Shoshanna turned him down it would serve him right, though, thinking he could have something so good in his life. But shit, if she really did want him he’d show her that she’d be his queen. Toby could honestly say that he didn’t know why he felt this deep-rooted need to be with her.

  Since high school—when she’d left him at the party and had ignored him the rest of the year—he hadn’t been able to get her off his mind. Maybe it was obsessive to think about, or want, a woman that didn’t want him all those years ago, yet he hadn’t been able to get her off his mind.

  She’d gone off to college, left Silver Springs behind for years only to come back and call it home again.

  But he wanted her, and until she flat out told him to fuck off he wouldn’t let her go.

  Shoshanna was nervous as hell when she heard the knock on her front door. She knew it was Toby. He was right on time, and after she had gotten his message last week, talked to him and set up this date, she had been a nervous wreck.

  He had called her. He had wanted to see her again, and tonight she’d have to tell him about the pregnancy. Shoshanna had gone to the clinic in town and checked everything out, because the last thing she wanted to do was tell him she was pregnant with his baby only to find out it had been a false positive test.

  But she was most definitely pregnant and had gotten it confirmed.

  He knocked on the door again, and she got butterflies in her belly. When she opened the door her heart stopped. Toby Mason was really here, wanted to see her again, and she was a nervous freaking wreck over it all.

  “Hey,” he said and smiled.

  “Hi,” Shoshanna said and stepped to the side. Despite the fact she hadn’t seen him in what felt like forever, she grew wet and warm instantly. He looked good, smelled good, too, and the ink on his arms turned her on.

  God, she was so aroused, so hot for him, and he had only said one word. He stepped inside, and for a second all they did was stare at each other.

  What would he think if he knew he had been on her mind for the last five weeks? It wasn’t so much because she was pregnant, though of course that was a factor, but because he had started something in her body that couldn’t be denied.

  He was wrong for her, too experienced and sexual, and compared to him she was this little girl with a geeky personality.