He exhaled heavily, his eyes tipping over my face in a way that had me tensing. His gaze seemed to snag on my lips, remaining there for a beat too long. I imagined he was pondering my statement about keeping my mouth shut. Perhaps it even amused him to imagine taping it shut. What I didn’t quite understand was the heat that sizzled under my skin while his eyes remained fixed there.

  “Sounds like a good plan,” he said at last, looking away before he released me from his grip. He moved by me to join the others at the table, and I had to stand in place and take a moment to centre myself before I was finally calm enough to rejoin the group.

  I wasn’t nearly as relaxed as I had been before Derek had arrived, and I couldn’t shake my awareness of his brooding presence. He sat across the table next to Theo, the two of them talking quietly while Tristan told us all about the new Balfe Hotel that the family had opened in Cork just a couple of months ago. I was trying to focus on lifting my wine glass without nervously shaking it and spilling droplets across the table. A soft hand came to rest on my wrist.

  “Hey, are you okay?” Nuala asked gently.

  I mustered a smile. “Of course.”

  “You just seem a little subdued since Derek showed up,” she went on. “I saw he arrived while you were outside on the phone. Did he say something to upset you?”

  “No, not at all. Well, I mean, he hasn’t exactly been a ray of sunshine. I think he just doesn’t want to interact with me, but we seem to keep running into each other unfortunately.”

  Nuala seemed surprised by this. “You do?”

  “Deirdre and Derek’s daughter, Gigi, have become friends at school. They’ve been hanging out a lot, and I think Derek’s annoyed that he has to see me all the time because of their friendship.”

  Nuala shook her head. “God, he’s such a grouch. I’m sorry. Would you like me to talk to him? Get him to ease up? Like I said, he’s been an arse to everyone these last few months, but that’s so amazing Deirdre and Gigi have hit it off. Gigi has been very down since her mam went on tour, so having a new friend could be good for her.”

  “Deirdre mentioned that. I actually heard them talking about it, and Gigi sounded upset.”

  Nuala’s expression suddenly became overwrought, a sheen of emotion in her eyes as she rubbed at her neck. “It’s been an awful few months. Ever since Paloma announced she was going away, Gigi’s been practically catatonic. She even …” Her words trailed off as she waved away whatever she’d been about to say before continuing, “I know Derek’s been hugely stressed about her. It’s one of the reasons he’s been such a dick to everyone. I think he’s just feeling very lost and doesn’t know how to help her, so he’s taking it out on the rest of us.”

  Empathy thickened my throat, and my gaze flickered across the table to where Derek still sat talking with Theo, completely unaware that he was the topic of conversation between his sister and me. I felt for him, even if he did seem to hate me now. I couldn’t imagine how I’d be if Deirdre were suffering from depression.

  “Has he tried sending her to talk to a professional?”

  Nuala nodded. “She’s seeing a therapist, and it’s helped a little, but not as much as we’d all hoped for.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that,” I said, taking a sip of wine. “She’s at my house tonight with Deirdre. They’re watching Mystic Pizza followed by Practical Magic.”

  This got a little smile out of her. “I’m jealous. Those are movies I wish I could watch for the first time again.”

  A server appeared with our main courses, and I was happy to distract myself with food, though my empathy for Derek and Gigi persisted. I had no idea of the full story with her mother, but it just seemed like a tough situation for everyone involved. Also, Nuala said Derek was an arsehole to everyone lately, but I had a feeling he was particularly disgruntled by me because of our history. It was evident he’d never told his sister about proposing to me. He’d declared his love for me that day on the beach, and though he’d only been twenty with little experience of the world, I had a suspicion the hurt he’d felt that day had stuck with him. I knew being the one to reject him had stayed with me, especially since, if things were different and I didn’t feel such a loyalty to my aunt, I certainly would’ve said yes. He’d captured my teenage heart, and there was very little I wouldn’t have agreed to at the time when it came to him.

  The lemon and garlic risotto I’d ordered was delicious, but I couldn’t enjoy it fully because I was too caught up in past regret. It was a frustrating feeling because I wouldn’t want to change the present, but I also mourned for something that might’ve been.

  Throughout the rest of the meal, I stayed true to my word and didn’t address Derek once even though our gazes clashed several times. Each time, my throat tightened with words I wished to say but probably never would.

  When the meal ended, it was late, and the street outside was dark, lit only by dim streetlamps. It was a short walk to my car, but I felt a presence, and as I approached my bright red Suzuki, I turned and spotted a tall figure standing outside the restaurant. Derek watched as I climbed into my car and hit the locks, only walking away when I pulled out onto the road to drive home. The idea of him standing there and making sure I made it to my car safely had more conflicting emotions warring within me. He didn’t get to ignore me and then display concern for my safety at the same time. It wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t he just be a complete dick and then I could simply hate him, and that would be that?

  Two days after the group dinner, I finally found time to attend the mindfulness class I’d been eyeing for weeks. Back in London, I’d made it a priority to attend meditation because my work could be stressful, and I needed to stay on top of my mental health. My life now wasn’t half as busy, but I still wanted to keep up my old routine. I also figured I might make some new friends at the class, which was always a bonus.

  Entering the community hall where the class was being held, I was greeted by the instructor, a pleasant woman named Roberta who wore a bright green necklace in the shape of a turtle. She looked to be about fifty and was warm and welcoming as she ushered me inside and pointed me in the direction of a free mat to sit on. As I made myself comfortable and prepared for the class to begin, I looked up just in time to see a tall, dark-haired, brooding figure stride into the room. Irritation had my cheeks heating.

  Come on, how was this fair?

  Our gazes clashed as Derek walked by me, his brows drawing together as he noted my presence without saying hello. When he reached the back of the room, he lowered onto a mat while I internally debated leaving and finding a different class. One that didn’t include sharing a space with the first boy I’d ever loved who was now deeply bothered by my very existence.

  13.

  Derek

  Of course, she was here.

  I sat at the back of the room where I always did, mainly because it made people less inclined to try and talk to me. Milly was two rows in front, her perfect arse encased in a pair of skintight leggings and her perky breasts criss-crossed in a soft, pale purple wraparound that I really needed to stop staring at. I had half a mind to march up to her and declare the class was my territory and she had to leave. But that would be an insane thing to do, and besides, Roberta would kick me out if she heard I was scaring away new members.

  To be honest, these classes were one of the few things keeping me sane lately. They were a place where I could clear my mind and feel some semblance of inner calm. I wasn’t sure that would be possible with Milly here. She was far too much of a distraction.

  A beautiful, sexy, delicate, infuriating distraction.

  I was going to have to find a new mindfulness class now, wasn’t I? There was no way I could concentrate on emptying my mind when all I could see was the waterfall of her long, chestnut brown hair in a silken river down her back. I’d always been obsessed with her hair, and she still kept it long like she used to when we were young.

  I stilled when she turned her head very slightly to the side, peering in my direction before quickly turning back around. Her shoulders seemed to sag, as though in dejection, and a niggle of guilt set in. I’d been so hostile towards her, selfishly doing everything in my power to keep her at arm’s length. I hadn’t given much thought to how uncomfortable it must be making her feel. It wasn’t either of our faults that we lived in the same town and socialised in the same circle. Not to mention the friendship between our daughters. There was no way to avoid running into each other.

  Even though we’d barely interacted, I found myself thinking of her often. The other night after dinner, I couldn’t help watching her walk down the street to her car, ensuring she got there safely. When we were around one another, my gaze was always drawn to her. I was constantly aware of where she was in any given room, and it was driving me insane. And had I mentioned how entranced I was by the way she’d turned into this classy, beautiful, sophisticated grown woman? Not that she hadn’t been those things before; they were simply more enhanced now. I was attracted to Milly, just like I’d always been, and it was a hassle I didn’t need or want. I certainly didn’t need to go falling for her all over again like I had at twenty, and making a fool of myself by getting down on one knee only to be rejected.

  Still, we couldn’t go on like this.

  Sighing, I stood from my mat and went to lower onto the free one next to Milly. She let out a sigh eerily similar to the one I’d just emitted, not turning to face me or even acknowledge my presence.

  I stared at her profile, getting lost in the gentle slope of her nose, the plump curve of her lower lip.

  “Roberta offers morning classes on Tuesdays,” I said, and her eyes flashed in annoyance at my clear meaning: Maybe you should attend those instead. I hadn’t meant to be rude. Then again, there was no other way my statement could’ve been interpreted. Go meditate somewhere else, please. I don’t want to be around you.

  Still, she remained silent, focusing on the front of the room.

  “Are you not going to say anything?” I prodded and watched as she pressed her lips together. The only response I received was a firm shake of her head.

  I stared at her, intrigued by her silence before I recalled our exchange at the restaurant. She’d declared that she would keep her mouth shut around me, and I’d responded by saying it was a good plan. Christ, I really was an arsehole, wasn’t I?

  “I’m sorry for how I’ve been acting,” I said, my voice gentling, and Milly cast me a quick, speculative side glance. She faced forward again, and something in her posture softened as she exhaled and replied at last, “I’m busy on Tuesday mornings.”

  “Me, too. I have work.”

  “Well, that leaves us in a bit of a pickle, doesn’t it,” she clipped, and something about her attitude sparked my interest. She hadn’t possessed this side when we were friends, but I wasn’t averse to it. I’d noticed it the night she’d turned up at my door to collect Deirdre. When I’d made the horrible comment about her having a kid while still in college and she’d fired back at me in response. I’d been reluctantly impressed. However she’d changed over the years, she certainly wasn’t a pushover.

  I continued staring at her, almost physically unable to tear my gaze away. Finally, I managed to face forward. “I guess we’ll just have to get used to sharing this space, then.”

  “Maybe we could share it a little farther apart? With you sitting at the back of the class where you were,” Milly replied, not looking at me.

  Her challenging response had me reacting in kind. “This is my class. I think I’ll stay right here.”

  My words had her turning to stare at me, and our gazes locked in a showdown. All the while, my brain shouted at me to get up and return to my usual spot at the back of the room. Then a faint waft of her scent filtered past my nose. I couldn’t tell if it was her perfume or just soap, but it smelled like fucking heaven. A sort of white musk with a hint of lily and sandalwood. I found myself glued to where I was, unable to leave. She was so arrestingly beautiful as she stared me down that I had to look away first.

  Stop thinking about her, just focus on clearing your thoughts.

  “I’ll go, then,” Milly said, about to stand when I acted out of instinct, placing my hand on her knee. My palm tingled at the connection, like touching her had the ability to send tiny electrical shocks through my skin. She froze in place, staring wide-eyed down at where I touched her before her gaze lifted, and our eyes clashed once more. It was different now, something less hostile between us as I gazed at her softly and murmured, “Stay.”

  I wasn’t sure why I wanted her to remain next to me. It was something I’d have to ponder later. Her throat moved as she swallowed, and then silently, she nodded. I found my fingers flexing on her knee ever so slightly, and I thought I heard her breath hitch, but I couldn’t be certain. Finally, I removed my hand. With any other woman, touching her in such a way might’ve been strange or inappropriate, but I’d touched Milly so many times back when we were friends, and there was something soothingly familiar in the connection.

  I wondered if she felt it, too.

  There were about thirty other people in the class, and when Roberta walked to the head of the room, lowering onto a mat to sit in the lotus position, I relaxed a little. She hit play on one of the many tracks she used for background noise, this one featuring forest nature sounds and a tinkling river. I focused on the faint rustle of wind dancing through leaves and exhaled heavily.

  “Okay, everyone,” Roberta began in a soothing voice as she addressed the room. “Welcome to the evening’s session. Shall we begin?”

  I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing while following along with Roberta’s guided meditation. Slowly, I forgot that Milly was next to me, and I sank into a peaceful state. By the time the session came to an end, my stress levels had reduced significantly. I opened my eyes, my attention drawn to the woman sitting beside me. I was much more at ease than I had been at the beginning of the class as I gazed at Milly, remembering the fondness she used to stir in me. There was a time when there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her.

  Her eyes were still closed, her chest rising and falling with her deep breathing, and I couldn’t resist drinking her in. My gaze traced the graceful lines of her shoulders, her long neck and smooth skin. Tendrils of dark hair curled around her ears, and her pink lips were open slightly as she released a slow breath. At last, she opened her eyes, and to my dismay, I was still staring when she turned her head, catching me in the act.

  I felt like I’d been caught in a snare I didn’t want to escape. I’d always been a sucker for her eyes, endlessly blue and innocent. They pulled me in like nothing else. Her breathing, which had been slow and even only a moment ago, caught suddenly, a stuttering stream of air leaving her lips. Milly ran a hand over her stomach then broke the connection.

  “I really needed that,” she said at last.

  “That good, eh?” I asked, my voice coming out throatier than I expected.

  Her eyelashes fluttered, her body tensing slightly as she looked back at me, before her expression gentled. “Have you been coming here long?”

  “A month or so.”

  “Well, you were here first, so if you want, I can find another class. I wouldn’t want to …” she trailed off, stopping herself from continuing, but my curiosity was piqued.

  “You wouldn’t want to what?”

  She shook her head. “It’s nothing.”

  “Milly, just say it.”

  She bit her lip. “It’s just I overheard the girls talking at my house, and Gigi mentioned the situation with her mother. I understand it must be stressful for you being the sole carer for your kids now, and I wouldn’t want to make this class an uncomfortable place for you to be. I know how important it is to have an outlet when things are tough. With our history, I can understand how being around me might not be very … enjoyable for you.”

  Everything inside me tensed as I listened to her speak. The idea of her knowing about Paloma leaving and Gigi’s depression over it had my protective instincts kicking in. It was none of Milly’s business what my daughter was going through. But then I looked into her eyes and saw only empathy and open concern. My defensiveness faded. She was being nice, offering to find a different meditation class so I wouldn’t be put out.

  “No, you don’t have to do that,” I said at last, my expression softening. A part of me hated her thinking I didn’t enjoy her company. It was simply that being around her was painful because I’d laid it all on the line for her once, and she’d turned me down. “It seems that we’re going to have to get used to one another.”

  Milly cast me a small smile. “It doesn’t look like Deirdre and Gigi are going to tire of each other any time soon, so yeah, that seems to be the case, I’m afraid.” Surprising me, she held out her hand, “A truce? For the sake of our kids?”

  I managed to muster the faintest hint of a smile in return, though it may have looked more like a lopsided grimace, I couldn’t be sure. “Yeah, truce,” I agreed and captured her hand in mine. Her fingers were small and cool, so delicate in my larger ones. I noticed the softness of her skin, how her nails were neatly trimmed and painted a pale shade of pink. Again, our gazes held, something vibrating between us that I tried my best to ignore but found myself lightly running my thumb over her knuckles anyway. Just like a moment ago, her breath caught. An inner warning sounded because being around her was already becoming troublesome. My mind went elsewhere as I imagined her breath catching for a very different reason. Fuck, this was bad. I would always be attracted to Milly. It was practically burned into my DNA, but I was old enough now to know how to resist the pull. I could be cordial without getting too close.

  At least, that was what I was determined to convince myself of.

  Letting go, I rose from the mat and turned to leave, then paused before turning back to her. “See you at the next session.”