“Camille,” he said, his gold-flecked eyes latching onto mine. “Will you marry me?”

  Again, tears fell down my cheeks. My heart cracked right down the centre. Derek was asking me to marry him, and I … I had to say no even while everything inside me yearned to say yes. I felt like I was being torn apart.

  “Derek,” I whispered, tenderly reaching out to stroke his hair. “I’m so sorry, but I can’t.”

  My response caused a visceral reaction in him, and his shoulders sank as his chest deflated. I hated myself in that moment. Hated that I had to hurt him.

  His gaze flickered back and forth, confusion marring his handsome features, then at last, devastation. “You don’t love me,” he said, a statement not a question.

  He began to stand, rising back to his full impressive height. I reached for his hand. “That’s not it. I feel a lot for you. You’re my b-best friend. But we’re too young to make such a commitment. I’m only nineteen, and you’re barely twenty. It wouldn’t be … It wouldn’t be prudent.”

  His eyebrow arched. “Prudent? If you felt for me what I feel for you, prudence wouldn’t even enter your mind, Milly. Not for a single second.” He slammed his palm against his chest. “I know with absolute certainty that I could love you for the rest of my life. Not a day would go by where I didn’t worship at your feet. If that feeling were returned, there would be no question. You’d move mountains to be with me just like I know I’d do the same for you.”

  His words took me down, striking hard like a knife to the heart. Was that true? If I loved Derek like I believed I did, would hurting my aunt even matter? Maybe he was right. One thing was for sure, I didn’t deserve him. Not for a second. He was willing to marry me, devote his life to me, but I couldn’t commit to him in the same way.

  Derek shoved the ring box back in his pocket, his eyes so forlorn it was difficult to breathe.

  “I hope you find happiness, Camille. I hope you fulfil all your dreams and do everything you set out to. Wherever your life leads, I will always love you, and I will always think of you.”

  With that, he bent down and pressed a paralyzingly mournful kiss to my temple before he turned and walked away. I stood there until his figure was far in the distance. Then I dropped to the sand and cried until I had no more tears left to shed.

  9.

  Milly

  ~18 years later~

  Present day

  My hands shook a little holding the bottle of wine as I approached the front door of the Balfe family home.

  I hadn’t stepped foot in this house in almost two decades. It was like travelling back in time. Aside from my old friend, Nuala, it had been years since I’d seen most of these people. My social anxiety was getting the better of me, but it was my own fault for accepting the invitation to Nuala’s mother’s sixty-fifth birthday party in the first place. It arrived three weeks ago while my daughter, Deirdre, and I had still been unpacking our belongings after the moving van arrived from London. I was full of fresh start energy, deciding I might finally discover my inner social butterfly and RSVP’d straight away.

  Now I was living with the regret of that decision.

  Making plans was always so much more fun when said plans were weeks or months in the future.

  It wasn’t that I wasn’t excited to see Nuala. It had been several years since we’d met up. Normally, if she were coming to London, we’d arrange to meet for lunch, but she hadn’t been over for a few years. No, it was her elder brother I was most apprehensive about seeing.

  Derek Balfe, my teenage sweetheart. Well, almost. We’d never quite gotten past the “friends who pined for one another” stage, which I accepted was all my fault. I’d kept him at arm’s length, denied my feelings for him because of my loyalty to my aunt.

  At the tender age of twenty, Derek had gotten down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I’d said no. Sometimes I still felt a sharpness in my chest at the memory of that day. How I sank down onto the sand as he walked away, my heart breaking in two for rejecting him. At the time, it was the hardest, most callous thing I’d ever had to do. In certain ways, I still felt awful about it, but we were so young, definitely not ready to make such a big commitment.

  Anyway, I doubted Derek even thought of that day anymore. He’d moved on and gotten married to someone else a few years later. As far I’d heard, they were now divorced and shared custody of their two kids. I knew a little about sharing custody since my fifteen-year-old daughter divided her time between her dad, who was still living in London, and me.

  With this move back to Ireland, she’d be spending her summers and all other school holidays with him. It was the fairest arrangement we could come up with since Colin’s work schedule as a surgeon didn’t allow for him to look after our daughter full-time.

  My decision to move home was mostly because my parents were getting older, both now in their early seventies, and I wanted to be close to them. I’d also come to a point of burnout in my career as a radiologist, and I found myself needing a change. Don’t get me wrong, I loved being at the Royal Marsden Hospital for the last decade and would miss my colleagues and patients immensely, but the time had come to go home. London had never truly felt that way to me. Ireland had always called on me to return, and that call had become louder and more pressing as the years had worn on.

  I’d been offered a position at UCD at their School of Medicine to teach the radiography programme. The lecturer whose post I was filling would be retiring come summer, so I wouldn’t be taking up my new position until September. It was currently April, which gave Deirdre and I six months to settle into our new life. I was looking forward to spending time together and mostly just taking a moment to breathe after almost two decades of non-stop moving forward.

  Aunt Nell had pleaded with me to remain in London, citing she’d miss us. I was going to miss her, too, but I needed the change. It had been a long time coming. And besides, my aunt was still as busy as ever, her career as vibrant and successful as it had been eighteen years ago. She no longer divided her time between Ireland and the UK and had sold her Dublin house years ago, but she still visited often. It wasn’t like we were never going to see one another.

  After smoothing a hand over my dark red dress and tugging at my thin cardigan to make sure it was sitting evenly over my shoulders, I lifted my hand and knocked. The sounds of music and people talking came from within.

  The door opened, and an older man appeared, causing me to stiffen. He’d aged, his hair, which was once salt and pepper, was now fully grey, and his face wrinkled by time. Padraig Balfe, the man who’d broken Aunt Nell’s heart into a million pieces, stood before me. Whenever I’d hung out here as a teenager, I’d always avoided Padraig. I hadn’t wanted to interact with him due to his history with Nell. But that was so long ago. Once I’d moved to London, Nell had barely brought him up again, and the memory of what he’d done to her had faded from my mind. It was hard to summon much dislike when he smiled at me and greeted warmly, “Hello!”

  “Hi, I’m not sure if you remember me? I’m Milly O’Shea, Nuala’s old friend.”

  His eyes brightened. “Ah yes, Milly. My daughter mentioned you’d moved home recently. It’s our pleasure to have you. Please, come in.”

  I stepped into the house, and then his wife appeared. Nuala’s mother, Jo, was celebrating her sixty-fifth birthday, but she didn’t look a day over fifty-five. Her blonde, highlighted hair reached her shoulders, her slim body encased in a gorgeous peach-coloured dress.

  “Milly, my goodness, look at you!” she exclaimed. Unlike her husband, Jo had spent more time with me back in the day. It made sense that she remembered me. I’d aged like any normal thirty-seven-year-old, but I took good care of myself, exercised, and ate healthily. I might not look a decade younger like she did, but I wasn’t haggard either, despite my demanding profession.

  “Hello, Jo,” I greeted. “Happy birthday.” I handed her the bottle of wine, and she beamed at me, pulling me into a hug. Before I knew it, I was being ushered into the expansive living room, where lots of people were gathered and enjoying the party.

  “Milly!” someone called, and I turned to find Nuala hurrying towards me. Her cousin, Charli, who’d since moved to Ireland and was now married to Rhys, was with her. Charli was also pregnant, and though it had never been my area of expertise, I could tell she was about seven months along. It warmed my heart to think she and Rhys had found love again after that summer she’d come to visit. Even back then, they’d barely been able to take their eyes off one another. It made me think of what Derek and I had once had, the intensity of first love and how exhilarating yet painful it could be.

  Speaking of Derek, he didn’t seem to be in attendance. I couldn’t tell if I were relieved or disappointed. I spotted his brother, Tristan, on the other side of the room amiably chatting with a group of people, but no Derek. My hands trembled at the thought of seeing him. It was his mother’s party, so he was bound to turn up sooner or later. If he did show, I planned to be cordial. Honestly, I was embarrassed that I still felt the pain of our long-ago separation. After all, I’d been the one to reject him. If anyone deserved to feel sore about it, it was Derek. But he was a grown man now, and I was likely a faint, long forgotten memory.

  “Nuala, you look amazing,” I said as she moved in for a hug.

  “You, too,” she replied with a smile, and I turned to Charli.

  “And, Charli, you look great, too.”

  “That’s very kind of you to say,” the American said with a wry grin. “Especially when I feel like an overstuffed sausage right now.”

  “I remember the feeling,” I responded with a chuckle.

  “Right, you have a daughter. What’s her name?”

  “Deirdre. She’s fifteen.”

  “Oh, wow,” Charli exclaimed, and I flushed slightly. Getting pregnant at twenty-one had not been in the plan, but I wouldn’t give Deirdre up for the world. As far as I was concerned, I was always destined to be her mother. I’d been living with Aunt Nell when I got pregnant, and it felt like karma somehow. I’d pushed Derek away due to her fears of me having an unplanned pregnancy, but it had happened anyway. The only difference was Nell had been the one to set me up with Colin. He was the son of a friend of hers, and she absolutely adored him. She even forked out for a live-in nanny when Deirdre was little so I could continue with my education. In her mind, Colin and I were perfectly matched, but she’d been dead wrong on that front.

  “Yeah,” I said with a quiet laugh. “I’d just turned twenty-two when she was born.”

  “Man, that was rude. I didn’t mean—”

  I reached out to touch her arm. “It’s fine, really. It’s not a sore subject or anything.”

  “Okay, well, let’s get you a drink, shall we?” Nuala suggested. “Then we can have that long overdue catch up.”

  “Sounds perfect,” I replied and followed her into the kitchen.

  About three glasses of wine later, I started to relax. I spent over an hour talking with Nuala and Charli, getting caught up on each other’s lives, and the two women put me at ease. It had been ages since I’d last gone to a party, but I was glad I’d come. There was a giant, four-tiered cake with a big “65”-shaped candle on top. Nuala informed me it was red velvet, her mam’s favourite flavour, and I was looking forward to a slice.

  I decided glass number four would be my last and went in search of a refill when tingles suddenly prickled at the back of my neck. Derek. I knew it was him before I even turned around to confirm it. I’d always been hyperaware of his presence, somehow sensed it whenever he walked into a room.

  I’d just filled my glass when I turned and saw him. Back when we were teenagers, he had an endless supply of smiles to send my way, but that was no longer the case. He was glowering at me. I swear it was like being caught in the stare of an angry tiger. He didn’t look anything like the boy I knew, the one whose features I could trace from memory. He’d changed and not in the way I’d expected at all. Sure, he’d aged, his handsome features lined with experience, but he also looked … well, tired was one word for it.

  Don’t get me wrong, he was in good shape. He’d filled out, with his shoulders broader, arms more muscular, but his eyes were dull, his hair shaggy and overgrown. Plus, there was a week’s worth of stubble on his face. His shirt was rumpled, like he’d been wearing it for days. I barely recognised him.

  “Derek, hi, how are y—” Before I could finish the sentence, he stalked by me and just strode right out of the room. Okay. Well, that was that, then. Perhaps he did recall proposing to me and the subsequent rejection. I didn’t imagine after all these years he’d still be sour about it, but stranger things had happened. Taking my glass, I returned to Nuala and Charli, feeling unbalanced from the tense exchange. If you could even call it an exchange at all.

  “Everything okay?” Nuala asked as I joined them.

  I sipped some wine. “Yes, I, um, I just saw Derek.”

  She and Charli shared a look before Nuala replied carefully, “And how did that go?”

  “Well,” I began, swallowing down the strange hurt in my throat. Why was his silent dismissal affecting me so much? “I tried to say hello to him, but he just glowered and walked right by me. He acted like I wasn’t even there.”

  Nuala’s hand came to rest on my arm, giving a comforting squeeze. “I’m sorry. It’s nothing to do with you. My brother is just … He’s been going through a really rough patch these last few months. He’s not been himself.”

  “Oh, I see,” I replied, relaxing slightly. So, his gruffness wasn’t about the rejected proposal. It was something else. I was curious to know what the rough patch entailed, but it was none of my business.

  “Honestly, Milly, don’t take it personally. He’s been like this with all of us. I’m surprised he even turned up tonight. He’s been keeping to himself a lot lately.”

  “You two were pretty close back in the day, right?” Charli said, empathy marking her features.

  I bobbed my head. “Yes, we were good friends, but … I guess that was a long time ago.”

  “Do you have any new pictures of Deirdre?” Nuala asked then, obviously keen to change the subject. I sensed it was because she was trying to keep whatever Derek was going through private and not because she didn’t care. “I haven’t seen her in years.”

  “Yes, I have a few,” I smiled. “She’s a couple inches taller than me now. I suspect she’ll be very tall like her father when she’s done growing.” I produced some recent pictures on my phone, handing it to Nuala for her to peruse.

  “So, you and her dad aren’t together, then?” Charli asked.

  “No, we actually only dated for a short while before I got pregnant. Then the relationship kind of fell apart. Colin and I were never very compatible romantically, but we’ve managed to remain good friends as we co-parent Deirdre.”

  “That’s refreshing,” Charli said. “I’ve known a lot of people who struggle to remain cordial after a breakup.”

  “Right, it can be tough, depending on the circumstances. Luckily for us, we make it work.”

  Nuala was distracted by her phone vibrating, and whatever the message was, it appeared to excite her. She reached across and shook Charli’s shoulder. “Aunt Faye and her husband just arrived outside,” she practically squealed, and Charli’s eyes lit up with similar excitement.

  “That’s Mam’s sister who lives in Australia,” Nuala explained to me. “She’s flown over as a surprise. Oh! This is going to be so good. I can’t wait to see Mam’s face.”

  “Will you be okay on your own for a little bit?” Charli asked.

  Suddenly, my nerves were back, but I didn’t let them show. “Of course. Go see your aunt.”

  They both left, and a trickle of discomfort seeped in. I couldn’t spot anyone I knew from back in the day, and making small talk with strangers had always been difficult for me. It was odd because I could talk endlessly to patients at the hospital about their symptoms or diagnosis, but ordinary chit chat was different. If I didn’t have a direct reason to speak to someone, I often found myself at a loss for what to say.

  I wandered through the party, taking it all in. There was lots of excitement and fuss when Nuala and Charli walked in with their aunt. Nuala’s mam just about keeled over from surprise as she embraced her sister. Supposedly, it had been years since Faye had last visited. Then the candle on top of Jo’s cake was lit, and everyone sang “Happy Birthday” to her. Padraig was by her side the entire time, the picture of a doting, loving husband. It was hard to reconcile him with the person Aunt Nell had described. Then again, he was only a teenager when they were together.

  When the cake was cut and passed around, I made sure to grab a slice. Sitting in a quiet corner, I observed the celebrations while stuffing my face with cake. I made a note to ask Nuala where they’d ordered it from so I could get Deirdre’s birthday cake from the same place when she turned sixteen.

  I noted that Nuala’s aunt from Australia had not only travelled with her husband but also her daughter and her daughter’s friend. Both women were attractive and looked to be in their early thirties. I was only vaguely earwigging on their conversation when Derek stalked through the room. My gaze followed him unbidden. He cast a grouchy, frowning figure as he endeavoured seemingly to leave the party, but then his mother called him over and began motioning to his aunt and uncle. They made small talk, and Derek appeared to tolerate the conversation before his cousin’s friend, a beautiful redhead with the highest cheekbones I’d ever seen, was ushered forward.

  “This is Kayla,” Nuala’s mam said. “She’s moving here in a few months and came on the trip to scope out some rental properties before the big move.”

  Derek only gave a vague nod of acknowledgment, but then, as though he sensed my attention, his dark eyes flashed to me. His expression was inscrutable, his face hardening somewhat before he brought his attention back to his mother and Kayla. His demeanour changed, his features forming something less formidable than his previous frown as he took in Kayla. “What made you decide to move to Ireland?” he asked, acting interested all of a sudden.