me?” Clair's head was pounding, and her neck and shoulders were sti and sore. It took Clair a moment to realize that she was in a neck brace. She wiggled her fingers and toes. Okay, it doesn't seem like I lost any limbs, and I am alive. That's a good thing. Clair turned her head slightly, wincing from the pain.

  Eve's face came into full focus. “You were in a car accident. Apparently, you hit a Jersey wall. Do you remember that?”

  Clair closed her eyes, trying to recall the incident. “I remember driving to work, and the roads were clear. I was feeling okay by that point, and I thought I was going to make it on time.” Clair sighed deeply, feeling utterly drained.

  Suddenly Clair realized that her evaluation with Priya was today. Clair tried to sit up, but the neck brace was weighing her down. Her entire body felt like a slab of concrete.

  “Eve, Eve, what about Priya?” Clair's voice was weak and hoarse, and her eyes were pu y.

  Eve looked at her with reassurance. “Please don't worry about that right now. Priya knows you were in an accident, and she is going to talk to you about rescheduling. I also called House of Hair to cancel your appointment for tonight too.” Eve put a loving hand on her forehead and caresses her cheek. “You just need to rest right now. You are lucky to be alive.”

  Clair opened her mouth to protest, but Eve interrupted her. “Shhh. It's okay. We can reschedule the hair appointment at any time. As soon as the doctor returns with your diagnosis, you need to go home, okay? Diane said that she would stay and take you home in her car.”

  Tears formed in Clair's eyes. She felt like a huge disappointment. “Eve, are you mad at me?”

  Eve looked at her tenderly. “No, babe. I am not mad at you at all! I would take you home myself, but as you can see, I am working right now.” Eve pointed to her scrubs and gave

  a soft laugh. “But if you feel up to it, I can visit you tonight after work. Would you like that?”

  Clair nodded as her heart felt like it was crumbling. She felt so foolish, so embarrassed. But as much as she was aching, she was happy to know that Eve wasn't angry and that she still wanted to see her. Gripping Eve's hand, Clair whispered, “Please, Eve, I want to see you tonight. I would love for you to come over.”

  Eve patted Clair's hand. “I will, I promise.” Eve paused and looked at Clair for a quick second. Eve opened her mouth, almost as if she wanted to say something. But then she stopped and smiled gently. “It's going to be okay, Clair.

  It was just an accident, and no one got hurt. I mean, your car is pretty damaged…again.” Both her and Clair burst into laughter. “But it could have been so much worse. Please be careful and just rest for a few days.” Before Eve turned to leave, she kissed the palm of her hand and placed it on Clair's cheek.

  Clair gratefully held Eve's hand close to her for a moment before letting her continue her shift.

  “Bye, Eve. I will see you soon.”

  CLAIR'S EYES were fixated on the ceiling as she tried to piece together the rest of the morning drive when Dr. Roman approached her, carrying a clipboard. The infamous Dr.

  Hollis Roman, at least she was in good hands.

  “Good morning, Clair!” she said brightly, her forest green eyes sparking intensely. “It seems like you were in a bit of a fender bender, huh?” Dr. Roman began to sift through Clair's chart.

  Clair sighed. “Yeah, it appears so. I wasn't feeling well this morning, and I guess my symptoms made it hard for me

  to concentrate on the road.”

  “Mm, hmmm,” Dr. Roman replied. The doctor then grew serious. “Clair, we ran some blood tests and reviewed your medical history. It appears as though you had been taking the antidepressant Paxil for a while, is that correct?”

  Clair tried to nod, but the brace limited her neck movements. “Yes, that's right.”

  The doctor continued, “And when did you stop taking this medication? Did your doctor advise it?”

  Clair began to feel nervous. “Um, I missed a few days of pills earlier this week. I-I just, I don't know. I was feeling better, and I just thought…” Clair stammered.

  Dr. Roman gave Clair a look of reproach. “Clair, you have been a medical receptionist for years. You know the harm in going o prescription medication cold turkey. I understand that you only missed a few days but look how it a ected you.

  Not to mention your judgment while driving a vehicle.”

  Clair felt her face go white. “Doctor, am I going to be in legal trouble? Oh my god, am I going to lose my job?” Clair fought back her tears as a wave of anxiety seized within her chest.

  Dr. Roman assumed a gentler tone. “No, Clair. You were lucky in that the accident didn’t harm anyone else. And you were extra lucky in the fact that aside from a few scrapes, bruises, and a bad case of whiplash, you were mainly unscathed. But it could have been a lot worse.”

  The doctor sighed and pursed her lips as she continued to examine Clair’s chart. “Are you currently seeing a psychiatrist? Or are you enrolled in any therapy right now?”

  “No, Doctor. I was back a few years ago, but I stopped attending my sessions because I was feeling much better, and I wanted to become more independent and proactive in my healing.” Clair explained. As the words came out of her

  mouth, she felt like a bit of a hypocrite. Well, look where my independence landed me now!

  “That’s completely understandable, and the point of such therapy is so that you can assume a normal life once again.

  But I feel as though you still need some guidance and supervision with your medication.” Dr. Roman scribbled on a small sheet of paper. “I’d like you to go back to your medication immediately, please. However, I think you will also benefit from speaking to a therapist as well.”

  The doctor handed Clair a note. “Here is some contact info. I highly advise that you get in touch and set up an appointment.”

  Clair took the note from Dr. Roman. “Thank you very much. I really appreciate your help, and I am sorry about all of this. I feel so stupid and embarrassed.” A few tears escaped the corner of Clair’s eyes and rolled down her face.

  Empathically, Dr. Roman consoled Clair. “It’s been a tough day for you. Please rest up and take it easy. I’d like you to take the next day o work. I will write a note for your supervisor, and you can return on Monday. I trust someone will be helping to take you home today?”

  Clair cleared her throat and took a deep breath. “Yes, Diane is going to drive me home. Thanks, Doctor, I will be sure to take care of myself, and maybe tomorrow I will call the therapist that you recommended.”

  “Good, good. I am glad to hear that. It’s important that you take care of your mental health, Clair. You are an important employee here at Forest Vale, and we want to keep you around, okay?” Doctor Roman smiled gently at Clair before rushing o to her next patient.

  11

  Eve rubbed her temples and rolled her neck back and forth, attempting to ease her tension headache. She had just completed another twelve-hour shift, and her feet were aching. On top of dealing with a series of di cult patients, Eve was wrought with worry over what had happened to Clair.

  Based on what Eve had seen the night before when she stayed over at Clair’s, she had an inkling of what was going on, but she couldn’t be certain. Clair had acted so defensively about the prescription pills that it made Eve feel as though she may have come o as judgmental. But looking back, Eve may have been correct in her concern. Plus, the car accident this morning had confirmed for Eve that Clair was dealing with a more significant issue.

  Regardless of what was happening, Eve wanted to be there for Clair. She was falling for this woman, and she knew that Clair needed support. Eve was willing to put in the e ort, but in order for them to move past this incident and to move forward in this relationship, Eve required complete transparency. As she changed into her street clothes, she thought to herself, Clair, if you want this to work with us, you

  will have to be completely honest with me. I want to help you, but you need to tell me exactly what is going on with you.

  Eve gathered her belongings and texted Clair that she was on the way. She sat on the locker room bench as she waited to receive a response. Eve thought that perhaps Clair had fallen asleep for the night, but after three minutes, she received a reply from Clair: Okay, great. Sure, come on over. I am awake, just resting on the couch. Can’t wait to see you!

  A sense of relief washed over Eve. She desperately wanted to see Clair, hold and comfort her, and let her know that everything would be okay. Maybe it was the nurse’s training in her, but Eve possessed this natural desire to nurture, and right now, she wanted to devote all of that energy towards comforting this strong but fragile woman.

  As the icy snowflakes pelted against Eve’s car window, she thought about the last time she was in Clair’s bed. Her body remembered the warmth and softness of Clair’s curves and how the flu y duvet provided comfort as they drifted o to sleep. Eve thought about what may have been going through Clair’s mind the following morning; the chaos and the frightening sense of confusion. It was at that very moment that Eve realized that Clair could have been killed on the road. Her blood ran cold. Clair, you need to get some help. What happened this morning can never happen again. My heart couldn’t take it; I can’t lose you.

  As Eve drove, she allowed her anger and her judgmental thoughts to flow freely so that she could get it out of her system before she saw Clair. Why would you do this to yourself?

  Why didn’t you just tell me that you were on anti-depressants?

  What was going through your head when you decided to get into the car? Don’t you know that you could have killed someone or yourself? Eve would never vocalize these thoughts to Clair out loud, but Eve was a turmoil of emotions, and it felt good to process her feelings in the privacy of her vehicle.

  Finally, she arrived at Clair’s house, and as soon as Eve pulled her car into the driveway, she saw Clair open the front door. Oh, she looks so fragile in that neck brace. God, I can’t wait to hug her. Clair smiled and waved as Eve stomped through the snow towards the front door.

  “Hey!” Clair exclaimed, and Eve noted a hint of tearfulness in her voice. Wordlessly, Eve gathered up Clair and held her tightly in her arms, being mindful of her neck.

  For a full minute, neither of them spoke as they embraced one another. Something broke inside of Eve, and she started to cry.

  Clair gripped Eve tightly. “Please don’t cry, baby. I’m okay, really. My neck is sore, but otherwise, I am fine.” Clair pulled back to look at Eve and gently brushed away the tears from Eve’s cheek. “I just feel like an idiot. Here, come in and let’s get you warmed up.”

  Eve stepped inside Clair’s warm abode. Clair asked,

  “Would you like some tea?” Eve smiled and nodded. “Sure, that would be lovely.”

  Clair motioned towards the couches in the living room.

  “Why don’t you grab a seat and get comfortable. I’ll bring out some tea and shortbread cookies; they are my favorite treat during the holidays.” Eve protested, “No, I can help you, Clair. You’re injured; let me do it.”

  Clair shook her head, undaunted. “No way, Jose! You just finished a twelve-hour shift, whereas I have just spent the entire day sleeping. Please let me take care of you tonight.”

  Eve threw up her hands in surrender. “Okay, Ms.

  Independent. I will just wait right here and follow orders.”

  Chuckling to herself, Eve settled into a two-seat chaise lounge. For Eve, it felt good to laugh a bit, and she began to relax. However, it was important to Eve that she and Clair have an honest conversation, and Eve was not about to leave until she received the answers that she needed.

  Clair returned, carrying two steaming cups and a small plate of cookies. She settled the items on the co ee table and turned her body to face Eve. Eve rested her hands on Clair’s lap, and the two scooted together so that they could be close.

  Eve closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “My beautiful Clair. I am so sorry about what happened, and I am so happy that you are okay. When I heard about the accident, I was terrified. It didn’t even hit me until tonight that I could have lost you.” Eve struggled to keep her voice even.

  Clair began, “Eve, I know I—” But Eve interrupted her.

  “No, Clair. Please let me finish. This is important, okay?”

  Clair stopped and nodded. “Sure, no problem. Please go ahead.”

  Eve sighed, taking Clair’s hands in her own. “I want to be with you. I think you and I have some serious chemistry, and I feel that we could create something amazing. But Clair, you need to tell me the entire story, from start to finish.” Eve looked directly into Clair’s eyes. “Otherwise, I can’t do this with you. I will support you, and I will be there for you, but you need to be completely honest with me.”

  For a few seconds, Clair stared silently at Eve. Finally, her face crumpled, and Clair sobbed hard while Eve leaned in to hold her lover close. Eve patted Clair’s back while her body shook. “It’s okay, Clair. You can cry. I am here.”

  Clair sighed and pulled back, sni ing. “I’m not crying because I am sad, Eve. I am crying because I was so scared. I was scared that I would lose my job and maybe my driver’s license, and most of all, I was scared that I was going to lose you. I am so grateful that you are here; I can barely believe it.”Eve bobbed her head and replied gently, “I’m here, don’t worry. I can handle anything you need to tell me.”

  Clair fiddled with her hands, cracking her knuckles. “So, do you remember when I told you that I used to be married?”

  Eve nodded and replied, “Yes, I remember. That was the first night that we hung out and got burgers together.”

  Clair sni ed again, composing herself. “Well, what I didn’t tell was that about a year before I came out and decided to leave my husband, I had become very depressed and had a bit of a breakdown. I felt so trapped. I felt like I couldn’t cope anymore.”

  Eve squeezed Clair’s hands. “Oh, Clair! Clair, I am so sorry!”

  This time, Clair interrupted Eve. “No, no, it’s fine.

  Actually, it was the best thing that happened to me because I realized that if I wanted to be happy, I needed to live authentically. It was the wake-up call that I needed.” Clair shook her head and looked down. “Maybe you think that is a silly way to look at things, but for me, it is what made sense.”

  Eve nodded. “Yes, of course. I understand, and that makes perfect sense.”

  Clair took a deep breath. “I decided to start seeing a therapist, and then I was connected to a psychiatrist who prescribed me Paxil.” Clair stopped for a moment. “Actually, sorry. He prescribed me a few di erent medications, and not all of them worked for me, but then I tried Paxil, and that was the drug that seemed to do the trick.”

  Clair continued, “I finally felt as though I had control over my life and that I could be an out and proud lesbian. I was excited about the future, and I did everything I was supposed to do. I took my medication regularly, I attended therapy, and after a few years, I felt, well, normal. And after you and I started talking, I decided that I didn’t want to remain on medication any longer.”

  “Now, I know that you are not supposed to go o antidepressants cold turkey, but I just thought…” Clair looked towards the ceiling, seemingly searching for answers. “I

  guess I thought that it might not make that big of a di erence if I just took a few o . I honestly don’t know exactly what I was thinking except for the fact that I was swept away with our romance, and I just wanted to be fully present for it.”

  Eve asked gently, “Were you planning to return to therapy or see a doctor?” Placing a hand on Clair’s lap, Eve added, “I am not judging, only asking. I think I am just trying to understand.”

  Clair sighed again. “I think maybe, yes? I wasn’t o the pills for that long. It was only a few days. But I did not anticipate how intense the withdrawal would be, and I guess, this morning, it all came crashing down.”

  Clair gripped Eve’s hands for support. “It was awful. I felt like I would be sick, and I was confused, and then I couldn’t stop crying. I was a complete mess. And I never intended to get into an accident or anything like that. I didn’t even think I wasn’t fit to drive a car! I just thought that maybe I was getting sick, but then I was worried about missing my evaluation…. and the hair appointment with you.” Clair began to cry again. “Wow, I really messed up the day, huh?”

  Eve wiped the tears from Clair’s face and leaned in for a kiss. “You sure did! I mean, wow, that was an epic fail!”

  Knowing that Eve was joking, Clair burst into laughter.

  Clair added, “Right? I mean, I totally killed that evaluation with Priya! It was probably the best that any employee at the hospital had received!”

  Eve couldn’t help herself. “Well, you did take a crash course, so that makes sense!”

  The women continued to joke with one another until tears of joy—as opposed to sorrow—streamed down their faces.

  Clair was doubled over as she clung to Eve. Eve’s stomach ached with laughter, and all of a sudden, the dark mood had been lifted. Eve felt as though whatever grip had been around

  her chest had loosened, and she felt like she could breathe again—almost as if this morning never happened.

  After a few minutes of mirth, Eve and Clair settled down.

  But Eve still needed confirmation from Clair that they were going to move towards more transparency. Once again, Eve became serious.

  Shifting her body to face her lover, Eve took Clair’s hands and peered deep into her eyes. “Clair, promise me no more surprises, okay? If we are going to do this, to really become a couple, we need to be honest with each other. I want to be able to support you in whatever is going on, and I will also need the same from you, from time to time.”

  Clair nodded in agreement. “Yes, Eve. I understand implicitly, and trust me; you know all of my secrets at this point. Also, I want you to know that I am also doing my part to help myself. Dr. Roman, who examined me this morning, gave me the number of a therapist, and I will be looking into my prescription. It may be that I no longer require something as powerful as Paxil, so hopefully, I can explore other options in medication.”